a twisted mind & stained pillow case

Feelings of insignificance can drive one to insanity, they say. So I come here when I need to escape. || C

[onlyrawfootage]

Anxious

I felt like I was dying. I thought, as I lay there on the floor trying to steady my breathing, that I was going to die. It started with usual mood swings when I don’t take my medication and ended in an anxiety attack. I was at practice, more stressed out than usual due to the fact that I had to stay up extra late preparing for our team bake sale fundraiser the next day as well as studying for a French exam the next morning. All of practice I was angry. I remember starting the night fine then slowly getting more and more mad and for what reason? I can’t exactly say, it just happened. 

I got landed on pretty hard during a stunt that’s been a little shaky lately and fell straight to my back with another human on top of me (hard to explain in non-cheer talk lol). I tried so hard not to cry; I didn’t want to make a big deal out of something that wasn’t. I paced my breathing like I’ve been told but that turned into gasping and blackness and hysteria. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see anything. As the pace of my breathing picked up speed, I saw flashing bursts of light in complete darkness and I couldn’t make it stop. I couldn’t tell if anything hurt because I didn’t even know where I was anymore. Half of me wanted to be able to breathe again and leave the dark place I was in, but the other half of me wanted to stay and just stop breathing all together. I heard voices talking at me, telling me to slow my breathing and sit up. It took a little time for me to register what was going on, who was talking to me and what they were even saying. 

I don’t remember who’s voice is was that snapped me out of it, but before it did, I felt close to staying in that dark place. I didn’t feel like leaving, it didn’t seem worth it. But someone said something that registered with me and suddenly the dark place was gone and I could open my eyes. I was breathing normally again and I could realize that it was just an anxiety attack.

The lesson I learned from this horrific event? Take my medication daily. I don’t want to have to experience that again. 

[onlyrawfootage]

My Current Happiness

Sometimes I am happy. Most times I am not. It seems as though I am, however, in my head I know that I’m not. People say just do something you enjoy or there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be happy but I can always find a reason. What are some things that make me happy?

Sunsets that make the sky look like cotton candy

Warm chocolate chip cookies that are crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside

Fuzzy blankets that keep me warm

Photography

Small animals, preferably kittens

Painting my nails for hours at a time

Sleeping forever and ever

and finally

When someone asks me if I want to hangout or go on an adventure. 

The top seven things have been pretty constant in my life. The last, not so much. One of the biggest things that has been eating away at me for so long is why people don’t like asking me to hangout with them. Why I always have to be the one to initiate things otherwise nothing happens. Is there something wrong with me? Do people just really not care about me that much? I used to think that wasn’t true, but things change. People change. And people move on. I’ve started accepting that as a fact and as something I have no control over. I’ve reached a point where I no longer reach out to people as much as I used to. I’ve stopped making the plans, hoping other people would. So I sit and I wait for something exciting to happen. But most of the time, nothing does. Countless weekends and weekdays spent at my desk doing homework in my apartment or in bed watching Switched at Birth until the sun goes down. 

I guess nobody wants to hangout anymore. That’s fine, I guess. I’ll just have to start making my own adventures by myself then. 

So, what are some things that will make me happy?

Learning that I need to make my happiness on my own and not depend on other people to do it for me.

[onlyrawfootage]

I Am Stronger Than My Mind

I have depression. Not the kind that sits on your shoulder whispering awful things to you 24/7 or the kind that feels like a wet, heavy blanket. Mine is similar to those, but the difference is that mine comes and goes as it pleases. I don’t get to choose when I will hear the awful voices in my head. I don’t get to choose when suddenly a giant wet blanket will flop itself onto me. I just don’t. And that’s the reality of it. When it comes, it comes in waves, almost. It starts with anger. I become infuriated at everything and anything. Anger turns into guilt which turns into those little voices. Guilt transforms into sadness which comes with the wet blanket. Sadness turns into hopelessness. And sometimes hopelessness turns into regret. Thankfully, I’ve been able to stop it at hopelessness recently, but not every time. The things these voices whisper in my mind would be enough to drive any sane person to the edge of a cliff. Sometimes, I honestly don’t know how I’ve been putting up with it for as long as I have. But then there are those times where I do remember how I’ve done it and I remind myself that I am stronger than my mind. I remind myself that I’m here for a reason and if I wasn’t meant to be, I wouldn’t be. I remind myself that the voices in my head are merely my imagination (sometimes). And I remind myself that I am strong. If it was my time, I would know. But it’s not and it won’t be for a good long time. So I keep reminding myself to shut out the voices, push off the blanket and tell myself that I am stronger than my mind is telling me. I have depression. But my depression does not define who I am.

[onlyrawfootage]

One with the Waves

The best idea to keep cool while enjoying the first of many Saturdays is to go to the beach. Which beach you might ask? Only the busiest beach in LA! That’s right. Santa Monica. Forgetting that everyone else and their entire family had the same idea as I did, we arrived at the beach only to find it cluttered with colorful beach towels, umbrellas and tanning bodies.

Thankfully the beach was much cooler than my non-air conditioned apartment so tanning wasn’t miserable. However, tanning only took place in 15 minute increments because it still WAS hot out. The water was warm but still cold enough to send goosebumps up and down my body when I first ran in. We found our favorite part of the beach was underneath the boardwalk. It was cool and breezy and mysterious. Pods of people with DSLRs were posing up against the support beams of the boardwalk having personal photoshoots. I brought my camera, too, but made her actually go into the water and away from the cliché iPhone style photos.

Her body language displayed her self-consciousness even though there was nothing to be ashamed of. She preferred the photos where her stomach was hidden or where her face couldn’t be seen in her silhouette. The photo I chose for this post represents the eeriness underneath the boardwalk as well as how she eventually became one with the water (even if it took a while). This was one of my favorite photoshoots because of the lighting and texture the water gave the photos. Water is so mysterious so by adding it to the boardwalk scene, you get even more mystery.

[onlyrawfootage]

Back To The Reality That Isn’t Reality

School started this week and at first I was panicking. With a heavy 18 unit maxed out schedule this year consisting of 2 general ed courses and 3 interactive media labs, I had every right to panic. However, at the end of a very busy first week, I’ve come to realize that there isn’t really any need to panic at all. Sure, the classes may be a little more difficult than ones I’ve taken last year, but, I have so many more positive things to ensure a successful semester! 

I have an actual apartment that I can call home (and not just a tiny box where I can’t escape from my roommate). 

I have real friends!

I’ve discovered my favorite places and times to study around campus.

I’m not a freshman so everything’s not completely new to me.

I have a better sense of how college classes work

And so on...

The reason I deny my college experience as ‘going back to reality’ is because I’m so lucky to be in a major where it doesn’t feel like I’m in school. Instead, it feels as if I’m in a fantasyland of never-ending free-for-all creating and creativity.  Throughout high school, I dreaded having to learn only to cram every ounce of information into my brain last minute and spew it back onto paper in test form. Now, I actually enjoy learning and anticipate the projects and creative prompts I’m given. I see them as challenges. Creative challenges, so to speak. I’m normally one to hesitate at a challenge but here, there’s no need. So as they say here in the School of Cinematic Arts, ‘Reality Ends Here.’ And I’m so glad to be back. 

[onlyrawfootage]

The Endless Road [of Opportunity]

Sometimes there are nights where I want to cry until my body is drained of tears and energy. There are also nights where I want to stay up binge-watching movies even though I know I’ll be fucked in the morning after getting zero sleep. I’m a night owl. I thrive on nightlife and all of my ideas and creative processes come to me at night. Which sucks because I’m also not a morning person at all. Tonight would be one of those nights where I need to go to sleep in order to get up early in the morning but I just can’t. Too much is on my mind and it’s almost impossible to process it all right now. I could push it off until tomorrow but, see, then it would keep me awake and wondering, resulting in a grumbly morning. If I’ve learned anything today it would be that everyone has their own road. Their road may be parallel to another road or it could meet at a giant intersection or even turn into a freeway. (Personally, I prefer the roads with lots of lanes. Lots and lots of lanes.) Except sometimes, your road just needs to wind its way into a scenic area of simply being lost. This is the time where you don’t panic about finding your way back, but you enjoy where you are and learn new things you wouldn’t otherwise. Your road may seem endless, yes, but at some point it ends. But for now, continue enjoying the seemingly endless stretch of your road and don’t be afraid to make a couple of detours every now and then. Get yourself lost. Explore. Don’t just travel on your road so that you can find the end because when you do, you’ll have missed out on some pretty great things on the way. And what kind of life would that be if you didn’t stop to enjoy it?