[onthemorrowwewillrest]

Ugh my impulse control is TOTALLY gonee glad I recognized it 😭

-strong ass KITTEN FEVER

-talking to alll these guys

-wanting to get a spikey skull tat i saw online lmfao

-going fuck it and planning the hoe trip

-considering buying the bed

-nails (although that was needed anyways)

[onthemorrowwewillrest]

Girll lol. Fully fucked lol

.

.

T-minus 2 days

[onthemorrowwewillrest]

tony and rocky and others on duet/insta yay

[onthemorrowwewillrest]

indulged rocky fully and got called goober and then sweet sweet girl :)) awesome

[onthemorrowwewillrest]

tony and rocky and others on duet/insta yay

[onthemorrowwewillrest]

POIS AND PCD EXIST. AND ITS PROBABLY HISTAMINE INFLAMMATORY. WHAT THE HELL

[onthemorrowwewillrest]

heyy #crying in the car

at least this time its more just a release of extra feelings like guilt of clocking out of work on time even though I got there late etc etc (not full blown panic crashout like last time with sam)

guess it's good to know this will keep happening? ? What the fuck is the lesson here

[onthemorrowwewillrest]

soo actually being alone and doing things that fit for you even if they're weird because you're alone and it's for you is actually the best thing ever!! And so is having social adventures that are Just For You. I need to stop telling everyone everything :)

[onthemorrowwewillrest]

6.25.26

gaven🫣

after:

-GUNS (11 of them!!!)

-waterfalls (laid on a rock)

-CAMPFIRE COOKED ALASKAN HALIBUT AND POTATOES/SWEET POTATOES WITH KOREAN CHILI AND SESAME OIL

-Big tree (giant cedar) In The Dark

-Impromptu stargazing on the way home turned makeout turned carrying me on one arm turned car sex wooo his grubby forest fingers were alll inside me and so was his dick!! Was so great but cannot wait to see how this one turns out lol. I got slapped the right way! Like 3 times! Beautiful!

-Worlds most falling asleep ever car ride then "Cuddling?🥺" and then sleeping from like 4:00am-8:30am

-Supposed me leaving but actually just stalling his pancake making as we watched nature footage from hunting season and highschool wrestling + irish dance videos. Sorry Dawson♥︎

now i need to go to giant cedar tree during the day and Zaza for stargazing!!

[onthemorrowwewillrest]

From April 7th

[batbetbitbotbut]

problem: feeling listless

solution: make a list?

[onthemorrowwewillrest]

6.19.20

I really really want to live alone and get the chance to see how I act when no one is around and learn what I deem is important when no one's watching, and have like True Real Privacy for more than a couple hours at a time but there are also so many beautiful experiences that living with people has brought me and I don't want to miss out on joy and warmth and fun and whimsy. There's a lot of inconsequential but cool things I don't notice until someone else points them out, and it's been really beautiful having someone around to snap me out of my patterns and sometimes show me that there's an easier way to do things that I never considered. I am worried that by being alone I will get smaller and smaller and simpler and simpler and stop living somehow. Or stop living harmoniously that is. I do a lot of weird shit and my first way to do something is not usually the first way anyone else would do it and it's only been through constant appraisal of myself and comparison to others that I have been able to learn about myself and feel cool. I feel my best when I am being unique (but not too much) and everyone likes me :( Maybe that points to me having lost myself SO much that I really do need to be alone, but that is scary and sucks. I do like being alone. I have fun sometimes. It just is bad when there's no one to stop my feelings from festering and getting too big and no one to invite me on little adventures throughout the day that I would never think to go on otherwise. I can sense it would be REALLY good for development but I really don't want to get small and at odds with the world again. I finally feel accepted and like me. I'm the one that cuts the hug short now apparently, which is SO STRANGE TO FEEL because I was always the one who did an awkward hug that lasted slightly too long. Maybe I just have real friends now but that was a weird realization. I finally have enough figured out that I could soften a bit and not get rejected. But I think that social success might go away if I stopped being kept from my mind every day by the safety net of thriving around other people you love and having them love you too every day. I don't know. I have way too much self doubt. That's the point and the crux of the whole issue. Maybe growth is supposed to hurt but I DON'T WANT TO GET RID OF EVERYTHING ON ACCIDENT AND HAVE TO START FROM SCRATCH AGAIN!!!! Even if i am kind of doing that anyway. Haha love that #moving UGH. Maybe I'll finally learn to jerk off again for real

[fairycosmos]

subject shows painful degree of self awareness paired with a complete inability to act on it

[onthemorrowwewillrest]

6.12.26

i want to sing. I want to perform onstage and improv offstage and know what i sound like lines up with my adolescent self worth and image. I want to have longer and more respectable hair that is unconventional enough to fit me but still long enough to be beautiful and also not be too heavy or helmety on my head or trap me in layers. I want to have strong nails that I know how to work with and also let me play instruments that in this ideal world I know how to play. I want to travel. I want to have enough money to go on little impromptu trips and expeditions and treat myself to little surprises enough that I become comfortable to treat other people too. I want to know astrology. I want to be able to confidently give people thoughtful gifts that don't revolve around a once-every-two-years strike of genius. I want to read tarot chillwise and have real universal experiences I can talk about and can't be denied. I need to be validated and acknowledged for who I really am through what I want and not whatever other people approve of and give me positive feedback for. I need to be real and not just at the mercy of my changing emotions and perceptions. I need a backbone that's right.

[onthemorrowwewillrest]

girl if he can beat me up a bit i swear i might have found the one

[onthemorrowwewillrest]

(he could not)

[onthemorrowwewillrest]

6.12.26

Wonder what the universe has been doing getting rid of my shit that i think makes me cool. Maybe that's the point and I need to be able to feel cool without it? Idk I have had many times where I didn't wear rings and didn't drink and didn't smoke or vape and had a great or at least acknowledgeably decent time. So I don't think that's the issue. Really feels like it comes down to my arms again lol even though I don't know when THAT started. Hope it's not because of my nails! Maybe the builder gel will help and be a different thing for my body? Who knows? I don't notice a super difference feel-wise but I do think they are a tiny bit thinner. I love that I can SCRATCH again (although maybe that is just because I have pointy almonds again and not blunt cut horse hooves loll.)

(... huh wonder that reminded me of Eryn's house.. YES i am semi-deadnaming them bc we're not real on that completely yet even though I am totally just using Ember irl. Bro your worksona. Why are you becoming the cringe ass funky nonbinary of your dreams- actually yeah go for it I'm so glad I'm not holding you back anymore, genuinely. This is really good and makes me happy and I think the name you picked is stupid as fuck and not as mature as the normal one but if it makes you happy then genuinely good for you and i hope it lets you grow and flourish and blossom into someone that is happy and confident and stops blaming themselves for the entirety of the world's wrongs. I hope you get the help you need rather than the help everyone around you thinks you need. I know I wanted a lot of things for you an they were probably closer to the real thing than the others see but we did have a really bad habit of letting each other be the cure whether or not it was an actual solution or not. Sweetness can't solve everything. yeah.

I wonder what I would be like right now if I'd had the agency and self-awareness to cut this all off back when I first started having doubts. I think it would have made the single era a little bit harder bc I would be missing more but it's honestly pretty nice that all of this is happening at the same time. Like this cycle is fucking GONE it's ENDING it's CRUMBLING and hopefully there's nothing I can do to get it back bc my lord i do Nott need to. Not saying that my current mindset around relationships is #goalz either but I like that it is fresh and new. Also yeah wow I'm really happy about this job because now that it's sat it feels like I'm NOT just picking it because it's the only thing available to me. That's a big thing rn, picking things for me. Hell, this whole trip was Me. Inviting Silas was an unusual choice but it was Me and it wasn't a tattoo or hair or piercing. I need to get back into crafts and doing physical things with my hands so that I can feel real again without doing body things. Because those things are very cool, but the hair is not one I'm very happy about tbh and I hope it washes out soon.

I just noticed that hmm my nails are too long and not a color I super like but I didn't pitch enough of a fit for anything else. And now that the nails have sat, I actually really like them (at least more than I did). Feel like a cig aunt with the red hair as well but that should wash out and I love love love having clean fresh whole nails it is so so beautiful :) I need to figure out how to punctuate things without the little white hearts from my phone because I be using those wayy too much. I wonder if those will come back when I move the Samsung. Ooooh new era for the phone too! Wowza love all that I Reeally need to check my chart and see what has been happening this year. I hope there is something I will recognize. I need to get better at the things I want to get better at and actually be able to put in the time and work to become the whole person I want to be. It'll happen, but seeing Jude and hearing about his just Doing Stuff energy is both inspiring and crazy. My mindset really is my biggest limiter and weakness goddamn. I need to get through that soon.

[onthemorrowwewillrest]

6.12.26

I do want to say thank you and acknowledge that it feels like i'm getting a dream handed to me right here, as in a dream is happening with this job. It's annoying it's in boise (but that's all I planned for), and the pay is a little low so far (but I didn't believe I deserved much higher), it's not in a glamorous location (but I complained SO much about downtown traffic) and now I'm scared that the sweetness and lowkeyness of these people are going to be a mistake ( but they were able to make me feel desired and comfortable enough to be both honest/upfront And genuinely enthusiastic for this position). This is an amazing opportunity. This is exactly the combination of all my academic pieces and interests that I was hoping would come together in a mysterious way and now it HAS. And I didn't even have to apply for a job THEY SOUGHT ME OUT!!!! Even if this ends up having some nasty surprises like Albertsons, it is still taking me to the next level and it makes so much sense that this is where I fell.

I suppose I did make this possible for myself by reaching out an making that connection at the Career Fair but beyond that I was fully sought out! #Projector-moment life is awesommme. Thank god my mars/dc line is through Idaho I am so glad I don't need to travel across the states to have some good fortune now. Oooh I can't wait to email my professors and Elizabeth and people and say "Hi thanks so much for all the support :) I am happy to say that I got an HR/bookkeeping/administration job at an architecture design firm where my history is VALUED and our mindsets will work together very well and my level of regular business organization is appreciated and perhaps better than what they have experience in the past. You guys did a lot and encouraged me a lot and I am so grateful and wanted to let you know that I am having a happy start to my career right after college."

And they're okay with traveling what the fuck!! My time off isn't policed to the high heavens I love this so much!! It's going to suck if it does end up being part-time for a while at first but also who the hell cares. I need that time to get adjusted to Boise again and go to events an also get used to getting up 7am ghagh. I know I can do it I know WE can do it but wowza #my early day. Also the potential for continued development/SHRM certifications and such hello?? This is such a beautiful growing/jumping off point this is amazing I am so excited. I complained so much at the beginning but god damn I am beginning to think that the best things to happen to me are the ones where I need to stew in it and adjust for a minute. Because now I'm happy. They're interested in my interests and are thoughtful about things and genuinely want me to be insightful and perceptive and categorize things to the max. hell fuckin yeah babeyy maybe i am over-reading this role since it IS a glorified multi-faction assistant but HEY. It has COORDINATOR in the name, which is a real job and makes me happy to be able to put on my resume and linked in and even just tell people.

Ugh this is so cool I don't care that I'm going to be in Boise this is going to be sick. AND I get to see Jude more in his last year💜💜💜 Hopefully I can move out reasonably fast or the situation ends up not being difficult housing-wise but it will be nice to have mom around with her health stuff and dad around for vibes and healing him maybe (from afar). I am so so so so so so sad about Brooke but that decision was made a longgg time ago. Hope her and Zoe are happy and I just gotta not think about it too much because Brooke and I are special 3-year bonded and 1 year of Zoe will NOT CHANGE THAT!! (I hope💔). I just need to find a couple friends in Boise and I will be fine. Legit I just need a sweet friend to ease the pain of that separation and apartment rent and we will be swag money. I hope I run into HR girl again!! That was so cool!! Bless her love her it was weird getting protected like that but yeahh honestly I was giving sweet and timid giggly vibes so maybe her responsible ass just needed to Mother. Loved her though fr. Need to get a vape again.

[onthemorrowwewillrest]

comparing:

Sick a lot

Broken charger

moving straight into relationship things

nerdy (more comic booky than fantasy tho at least)

air moon water rising

addictive personality

used to skate

----

no whimsical words

open but no experience with metaphysical things

longboard LOL

tall :)

brown eyes

living independently

*KNOWS* MCR

LIKES MY KIND OF MUSIC and actually listens to it my god

School and general visions for the future

NO monthly playlists

has friends and hangs out with them

actually quit addictions

let me buy him food :))

has a cat and i can be around it. NOT FEELING ILL in the house so far

[onthemorrowwewillrest]

[from 6.2.26 in the discord lmao it prompted some good fun discussion]

Guys what do we think:

Pros: -Big beautiful eyes and majestic hair -Allegedly okay with things being casual -Has friends and interests!! -Music taste 93% match -Remembers soo many details about me -Tall -Really thoughtful!! -Follows my lead /pos -Has a reasonable grasp on his addictions -Has connections in portland -Nice little synchronicities happen when we're together Cons: -Sex is baddddd -Follows my lead /neg -Conversation is friendly but stilted and awkward even after hanging out like 6 times. And when we went out to the bar the awkwardness never quiet dissipated even when drunk and talking to his friends -I AM AWKWARD AROUND HIM AND I DON'T KNOW WHY -Texts me shit like "I feel like I met you in a past life" and "You're becoming my favorite person to hang out with" after hanging out 4 times -Has another semester of school here