Donât Let the Sound of Your Own Wheels Drive You Crazy
For a long time Iâve struggled with the idea of perfection. People arenât perfect but many strive to be as perfect as they can be. While it may be hard to believe, I am one of those people. I say this may be hard to believe because I am very far from perfect. From my grades, to my skills, the way I act and the things I do. Everything about me is imperfect. I have always held myself to a standard that is almost unattainable. Getting into the same school as my siblings, doing things of equivalent value to their success. I can remember this happening for as long as I can tell. Comparing myself to others in my family, believing that I had to be just as good as them or better rather than just be myself. I still strive to do the best that I can, but I have started to let myself relax in terms of my expectations for myself. I tried to be ok without medication for my mental health issues because the stigma of getting help through medication felt like cheating, or that I wouldnât be as good if I turned to medicine for help rather than just try to deal with everything on my own. Iâve mentioned it before but Iâm now on medication for these issues and Iâm doing better than I was before. I have always been somewhat shy of my singing voice because I never thought I was good. There were always people better than me, which would feel like I couldnât be good because others were better. This sparked a fear of something known in singing as belting which requires the singer to let go of anything holding them back in their voice and throat and to just go for it for it to succeed. Iâve been seeking help for this as well through my singing lessons. I never thought I was a good singer because no one ever told me I was. Constantly seeking validation from others and trying to live up to others expectations for me rather than living for myself. I feel like I have been living for others. There are 2 songs Iâd like to mention. The first is take it easy by the eagles. I recently heard the song and I turned to the person playing it and said âthis song makes me sadâ. He turned to me surprised and said âwhat? Why? Nothing about this song is sadâ. I then later looked up the lyrics and did some research into what the song meant. After listening to the song again I found the line that made me think the song was sad. âDonât let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazyâ. From my research it seems that this line is intended to be about not letting yourself get carried away or getting too egotistical. The way I always heard that line was âdonât make yourself crazy by doing too much, youâre allowed to take a breakâ. This brings me to the second song. Vienna by billy Joel. Many people who know me know that Vienna by billy Joel makes me SOB. When I was at my college orientation a friend FaceTimed me one morning and played it for me because he was practicing for a performance. I couldnât remember where Iâd heard the song before but something about it when he played it caused me to cry uncontrollably. Ever since that day, anytime I hear Vienna I start to tear up and cry. If I want to force myself to cry I will play Vienna. I never really knew why Vienna made me cry, but I think it has to do with the lyrics. âSlow down you crazy child, youâre so ambitious for a juvenileâ. This alone brings tears to my eyes. I think it also has to do with the idea of trying too hard and forcing yourself to do too much. âSlow down you're doing fine, you can't be everything you want to be before your timeâ. Iâve tried so hard to become what I want to be, what I think others expect of me as fast as I can to not let anyone down.
âSlow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize... Vienna waits for you?â
This verse especially gets to me. I have always felt like Iâm âon the clockâ. Thereâs always something to do. Some way to improve, to do better, to be better, do more, be more. Itâs taken me so long to realize that I donât need to be more or to be better, I just need to be myself. Something that Iâve always told myself is to never be content. You can always do more, help more. There is never such thing as enough. âDonât you know that only fools are satisfiedâ. For fear of being foolish, for fear of failing, for fear of my voice cracking, I have denied myself to be comfortable. Iâve tried so hard to be as perfect as I can be that I have grown to have a fear of mistakes. If something isnât perfect I glitch and have to start over rather than power through until the end. No one realizes itâs a mistake if you keep going. The knowledge that I wasnât perfect has been enough to stop me dead in my tracks, so that I go back to the starting line whereas others trip, get up and keep going, I feel the need to start over until I get it right. There is no right. Itâs time I finally accepted that and start to live my life with the mistakes I deserve to make.