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andrewbelami

memehumor

It’s how all of my purchases look

demegoddess

memeufacturing-deactivated20161

me as a pilot

me: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I have an announcement to make but first you have to promise not to get mad

hamtastrophe

it’s sometimes hard to believe rasputin was real. like there’s no non-fucked up part of rasputin’s existence

bigthecat

did he do something problematic i thought he was just russia’s greatest love machine

the-itchy-bitchy-spider

basic (true) story: fanatical russian monk who has almost never shaved or washed and smells like goats shows up at the russian capital with a creepy look on his beardy face and everyone just assumes he’s a prophet or a saint because he’s got a cult following that believes he can cure illnesses. his stans are sexually obsessed with him and he gets just a fuckton of russian pussy wherever he goes cause apparently he can cure his true believers of illness with god-given dick magic. russia’s queen has him come stay at the palace and sets him up in luxury because she thinks he can cure her son’s haemophilia with the power of russian goat jesus, and they (allegedly) become lovers, probably, ‘cause she craves that unwashed goat-scented dick like the rest of his cult which she now (allegedly) belongs to.

then the worst assassins in the history of assassinations try to assassinate him, because all of russia is slutshaming the queen he has too much power over the royal family and it’s helping revolutionaries turn people against the royals. so these idiots have him round for tea and cakes which are poisoned with cyanide, but he is magically unaffected by poison they get the dose wrong and he doesn’t die, and then he drinks three glasses of wine, which are also poisoned, and he doesn’t die, so they tell him to look at a crucifix and shoot him in the chest with a revolver when he isn’t looking, and he doesn’t die, but they think he’s dead so one of them dresses in his clothes and gets driven to his apartment to make it look like he’s gone home to hide the crime, and when they come back he gets up and attacks them, so they stab him in the side with a knife, and he doesn’t die, and then he frees himself and runs outside, so they shoot him a few times more, including in the forehead, and they wrap his body up and chuck him in the icy river, and he doesn’t go into the water, so his body is found on the ice the next day. and get this…. he died…. of hypothermia.

tyrannosaurus-rex

additionally, everyone who wasnt in the party of getting rid of rasputin was pretty bummed out when they found him and his miracle dick dead the next day and there was a pretty bangin funeral of which the royal family themselves attended. however after the tsar was overthrown a few month later they exhumed his body and burned it because the new leadership was very adamant about making sure there were no ties left to honor the old monarchy. however this dudes body had never been properly prepped for a cremation which meant that under the extreme heat his tendons and ligaments began to retract and shrink causing his dead body to move and twitch around as if still animate. according to some testimony his body actually sat up straight on the pyre, and at least one spectator fired a gun at the body and another may have allegedly died of shock.

w0wls

Rasputin was an old god from times before humans

mad-duck

He is like a cleric gone wild

wodneswynn-deactivated-deactiva

Man, when I was like 16 I got so sick of being made fun of for being the fat kid that I took an axe down inna woods, chopped down a tree, and started doing log-lifts all the time. I got strong as fuck, but I didn’t lose no weight. I actually got bigger.

Same thing happened when I got into fighting. I got even stronger, and I got *fast*, man, and nimble, like a cat. Still chubby.

Body-building culture is a bunch of crap, my dude. Functional muscle is not necessarily toned or lean. You can be swole as hell and still be heavy. And that’s cool.

Embrace your inner barbarian. And when fatphobic little gym twinks try to body shame you, you should DESTROY THEM with your MIGHTY AXE

littlegreydove

Can comfirm, i am Quite Fat ™ but i still hit my punching bag hard enough last week make it touch the ceiling and broke a finger in the process

systlin

You know, I train with (martial arts) a bunch of dudes, and a few bodybuilders have showed up over the years.

And every damn one of those huge shredded motherfuckers has the endurance of a fucking newborn puppy. Fifteen minutes into warmups and they’re panting for air like like they’re about to die. I’ve sparred them and every one of them telegraphs their moves about two weeks in advance, and are slower than my dead grandpa because their huge useless muscles get in the damn way.

Now. I also work with a couple of guys who are not weightlifters. They do, however, do very physical jobs and are Big Dudes. Picture this sort of build.

No abs to speak of, a bit of a tummy, and those motherfuckers can pick up one of the weightlifters and throw them.

And they’re fast. Like, unfair fast.

Bodybuilding culture is bullshit. Embrace your status as a giant barbarian and if anyone gives you crap throw them off a mountain.

weedeledledledle-deactivated202

This is true for all humans, too!

At my heaviest (well over 300lbs) I still ran an 11 minute mile (pre-disability). And even when I was at my most active, and training intensely, I was never hardbodied despite working out full time. Functional muscle for me looks like horse legs and a big muscular butt with a soft tummy and big arms.

I’m built like a Celtic Warrior Goddess and I will never have a flat tummy and toned arms and that is fine by me because I could snap a grown man in half.

systlin

Yes!

Have you seen olympic powerlifters?

This is Sarah Robles, on the USA Olympic Powerlifting team.

Skinny? No. Could pick me up with one arm? Absofuckinglutely.

avishabilis

Sarah Robles was once in an auto accident. She braced her arms against the steering wheel & by main force held it back from smashing her in the chest.

She fought her car & she won.

systlin

wHAT

Holy shit I love her even more.

That would shatter my arms like glass.

scrappyollie

Also throwback to that time when the Good Place laid the sickest burn ever on british television

draeneis

someone: coca cola can remove rust from metal imagine what its doing to your body

me: pff getting rid of the rust idiot

viana-ceres

THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS

draeneis

hmm… i’ve been drinking soda and my body’s rust free… not sure where youre getting your facts from…

betweentheveilworld-deactivated

Blood is rust… hemoglobin= vitamins,minerals(iron)+oxygen=rust. We’re literally running rust through our veins…along with plasma which is about 92+%. Just an informative comment.

draeneis

awful bold of you to assume i have blood

dryadgirlie

me to my alarm in the morning: I was literally sleeping but go off I guess

stability

paninimami

There’s so much wrong here

vegetans

lunchboxesandchoklitcows

“sorry for being a gentlemen” i cannot fucking believe

mongolian-ass-eater

UPDATE: Im screaming even louder

swarnpert

friend: hey you wanna go to jimmy johns? me, an intellectual: i would love to have a meal at james johnathans

beachdeath

an anonymous oscar voter discussing her ballot with the hollywood reporter jesus fucking christ

benepla-deactivated20180521

Oh my god. Read this whole thing if you want to be borderline despondent on the state of prestige cinema LMAO

ariassong

The worst part is she votes for The Shape of Water in almost every category, but doesn’t even consider Octavia Spencer for best supporting actress in that movie because she thinks Octavia is acting the same role in every movie? Which isn’t true and just seems so much like an excuse.

And she keeps dissmissing Get Out in every category it is nominated in. She keeps saying it’s not oscar worthy.

She also isn’t voting for coco because she said the theater (for a kids movie) was full of noisy kids.

tharook

“How do I explain, as comprehensively as possible, that I’m racist, without admitting I’m racist?”

just-shower-thoughts

The generation that forcibly put soap in the mouth of children for using “dirty language” weighing in on the tide pod situation.

kaijuno

I’m really high right now and I couldn’t find my phone so I was like “Alexaaaaaaaaaaaaa find phone” and she called my phone for me she’s like a wife I’m gonna marry Alexa because she knows where my phone is,,,,, I love technology

kaijuno

I woke up this morning and on the Alexa app it’ll give you a string of posts of what you asked Alexa and I told Alexa I loved her 37 separate times with the last one being “good night I love you” and her response being “good night, sweet dreams”