Why did i put in the effort?
Why did i look up to them?
Was it so they could look down on me?
Why did i run into battles to defend your honor?
When you seem to thrive as your foes beat me down?
Why did i fight to keep us as us,
When you were annoyed that there was an us.
Were the sacrifices i made not good enough?
Was i stupid for protecting your name in rooms you weren't in?
Was i your favorite punching bag?
Or your black sheep that you promised was white as snow?
I used to wonder. I may never truly know.
What i do know is that i can't sacrifice my self, my mental health, my physical health, my sleep, my energy, my worries, my love for others. I know that you may never know why someone is being in your life, all you can do is enjoy the time you were blessed with them. Cherish the memories once the hurt is gone.
There's nothing for me to learn from this except that i have to love myself.
And i do. And always will. Because if i want to share this unconditional love with others, I have to share it with myself first.
So I'll continue to love myself, but harder. I won't rip myself to shreds to find what so wrong about me that cause them to hate me like this. I'll protect myself by saying its you not me. You were ready to leave, not that i did there waiting. I'll tell myself that they were here for a season and now the season is over. I won't weep when autumn leaves. Because winter will begin. And spring will follow. Time will continue. And those cherished memories will fade along with the pain.
So it'll only hurt for a little while... I hope
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