yelling into the void

Here's to the lost souls who are in search of purpose

[originalkryptoniteheart]

I remember my hometown for its cruelty

Clawed my nails to the bone to get out of there

The bitter taste of blood still lingers in my mouth

All I want to do is throw it all up to flush it away

Can't forget where I was made even if it's a cold place

Frozen heartbeats still pump the blood you carry

Love can be devastatingly fragile even in fairytales

But darling happy endings are always worth the pain

[originalkryptoniteheart]

I'm a working dog stuck inside a high-rise

I growl at those designer pets in frustration

But all they see is unexplained aggression

I just want to run in a field under blue skies

My handler has scars from my puppy teeth curiosity

Now that I have my big teeth I obey so damn well

I still get so excited to see anything that looks like me

Four paws on concrete, running down the stairwell

I destroy all of my toys, it's an instinct I was born with

When I get scared my hackles rise on top of my spine

My jaw doesn't lock when I bite, that's just a myth

Throw me away and I'll retrieve myself for you every time

[originalkryptoniteheart]

I constantly measure the truth against the price of telling it

Can I afford to say what I truly feel or is my balance running low

Because sincerity is terrifying in a way that costs more than it lets on

We all want to be known but often we are only seen and it's so damn lonely

[originalkryptoniteheart]

I'm afraid I'll love you til the day I die

I hope to never be in the same room as you

We severed our communications years ago that's true

But when you finally go for the last time I'll cry

I've had to grieve you once and I'll do it again

For the truth, for the imagined version of you, for the potential

The loss of you sticks around until it's washed away with the rain

It always comes back though cause my love for you is sequential

[originalkryptoniteheart]

As you grow you'll learn endurance doesn't mean strength and courage doesn't mean resilience.

My mother taught me fear but now I feel rage like every other mad woman you've ever met.

I don't quote scripture anymore but I still think about my favorite passage when heaven passes me over.

[originalkryptoniteheart]

Come on dad, I want to hear you say it

I want to see you just totally lose it

Let's hear how disappointed you are in me

I'll let you know how you let me down too

Maybe we can finally have that conversation

The one you never got to have with your father

I have far more to lose even if you won't admit it

Are your new kids better now that you got a do over

A father and daughter - oh how beautiful to see

What a farce, we don't even talk to each other honestly

Go habs go, let's watch a game at the bell center

For an evening, we can pretend that we are so much closer

[originalkryptoniteheart]

I want to stop being so sad in beautiful places

Daydreaming of arguments I'll never get to win

All the conversations I won't get to have with you

Yelling in therapist offices, tripping over shoe laces

Listing the times I broke any of their 10 deadly sins

I want to be loved out loud and I want it to feel true

[originalkryptoniteheart]

I've never started something I didn't know I would have to end

Walking away from hollowed out love has become my pattern

Communication is a group activity where we try to comprehend

I wasn't understood, only assumed; I simply want to be known

[originalkryptoniteheart]

There's things you can't take back like a punch thrown too soon

Muzzle myself so quick people think I am kind, oh if they only knew

[originalkryptoniteheart]

I will pay whatever the price it takes to remain kind

I avoid contempt and condescension and complicity

Maybe it'll kill me in the end but probably it'll save me

Truth is that my childhood was saved by womenkind

My dad told me once I needed to learn how to be a bitch

Cause my benevolence and generosity would choke me

I could feel my value diminish faced with her indifference

Now she assumes I hate her & I let her because it's easy

[originalkryptoniteheart]

Don't you know that secrecy can only protect you for so long

Truths are never nuanced in the way you believe them to be

Lie to yourself and say that your eyes are not haunted but wary

Brace yourself against the world until the lies stop feeling wrong

[originalkryptoniteheart]

You have been my optimism, my light, my truth, my faith

I promised I'd tuck you back into my bed sheets every night

When it gets dark and we all fall victim to the craze

The winds roar outside but in your arms I know it'll be alright

We can stick to the shadows if that'll help calm your breath

My heart can take it, my soul might shatter, my spine won't split

Daylight changes perspectives even if we are the living death

I won't die for love but I'll change my life, my body, my name for it

[originalkryptoniteheart]

Your breath is smoke coming out of your lips split wide

Storms never last come on in before you get frost bite

Winter is easier when someone is waiting for you inside

The porch light stays on until you make it home tonight

[originalkryptoniteheart]

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am not a bad person, I was just raised by one

Desire is everywhere if you don't take the time to look at the faces attached to the bodies in your hotel bed.

It's easy to get laid and to get paid, it's not so easy to be loved without conditions and complications.

The memory of longing feels distant now that I've let men intrude my life; I resent them for this loss... I resent myself as well.

I've had many different names and many different clothing sizes sometimes I wonder if I was coached into hating myself.

[originalkryptoniteheart]

Does everyone think of the friends they pushed away with neglect and mental illness? Is it silly that I believe any of my existence has any kind of exceptional uniqueness? 'Here today, gone tomorrow' I haven't been back to my hometown in a decade and I'll probably never put a foot there again. It's a cursed land, it's a blessed land, it's a heritage I don't have the grace to restore. First and last generation to have bled there; battle grounds become school yards and mall parking lots. 

[originalkryptoniteheart]

I'm crying on the bathroom floor

I don't think I can do this anymore

Theres no off button for me to hit

Surrounded by thankless hypocrites

That's enough! No more performance of closeness

Avoiding accountability for your emotional distance

I knew all along this would end up being such a mess

It's not mine to clean up and honestly? Good riddance

I promise I am not one to forgive and to forget

You've turned me into a mad woman, a threat

Because I only know how to care extensively

Please don't take for granted that part of me

[originalkryptoniteheart]

I'm so stubborn I make a brick wall look flexible

I'd say I'm working on it but that would be a lie

I hold onto pain just to feel connected, let me cry

Because standing in my softness makes me unforgettable

I have a tendency to restrain myself until I am made to not

When I am done with you the finality I choose is my strength

I've been mourning my whole life what is one more death

If I make a house feel like a home it is mine to haunt