The Orrator

[orrator]

OPINION - DON'T FLOP ON PLOPS

We’re in the middle of this year’s Halloween extravaganza, so of course there’s only one thing on everyone’s mind; Wintersday! That’s right. Instead of giving the superior holiday its due, Tyrians everywhere are beginning to bring decorations out of storage and Tixx is already pumping up his dirigible for an event that’s merely two whole months away

But it’s not all positive vibes. On a peaceful Krytan farm, Plops the Present Dropping Dolyak isn’t his usual self. For years the gleeful beast of burden has entertained children and adults alike by parading through Divinity’s Reach, dispensing gifts to all who come to his aide. But Plops may have seen his last year in the city.

Rumors are swirling that there may be a bit more action in this year’s festivities. Wintersday event organizers were seen mapping out a possible route which could be for a rally style race event in which competitors zoom through the city. Add this to the images spotted of the clockwork dolyak we witnessed being constructed (because nothing’s gone wrong with clockwork creations in Divinity’s Reach before) and we could be looking at a high speed present fetching event.

We hope that Plops gets at least one more year before being put out to pasture. Let's face it, he's the real gift that keeps on giving. 

[orrator]

PIECE OF RARE WEAPONRY JUST KNOWS IT'S GOING TO GET CHUCKED INTO THE MYSTIC FORGE

After spending countless days in the satchel of some nameless centaur, a rare weapon has once again seen the light of day after a passing adventurer slayed the hex-appendaged neigh-r-do-well. Birthed into the lands of Kryta by an apprentice weaponsmith, the dagger, colloquially known amongst his kind as “Mar’Gash the Face-Cutter,” felt relief but quickly sadness after being retrieved from the leathery abyss.

“So, there I was, thinking I’d never strike the facial region of a man or beast again when suddenly I’m gripped by a woman who has clearly been on the giving end of face stabs. I knew that in her possession that we could achieve so much stabbing of the face across all the lands of Tyria. No area of the body located above the neck but below the hairline would be safe from our reign. It would be face stabbing all day every day and we would only rest to dream of the stabbing that would continue in the morning, counting faces instead of sheep to send us into our slumber.”

The voice changed from grandiose glee to a relaxed somber tone upon continuing its monologue.

“Alas…. I was arranged alongside three others of my ilk. It was then that I knew our fate was instead destined to be sacrifice, in hopes that the blue swirling god of lies would find this woman to be worthy of something greater than what she had already rightfully earned.”

Mar’Gash was then hurled into the mouth of Zommoros which regurgitated an axe which could only repeatedly utter the phrase, “ARE YOU MY MOTHER?”

[orrator]

CITIZENS OF LION'S ARCH SORT OF WANT SOMEONE TO COME ALONG AND DESTROY THE PLACE AGAIN

LION’S ARCH – Murmurs of widespread destruction have been heard in back alleys and behind shops for quite some time, but those quiet grumbles are becoming a regular discussion among some of the citizenry of the unofficial capital of Tyria. No, there’s not an impending doom looming over the melting pot, but some wish there were.

People in hushed tones talk about how the place just “doesn’t have that architectural charm that it did when it was made from cobbled together boats,” or how they, “don’t do business there anymore because I’m not walking into anything that looks like a sea monster,” and that they, “don’t want anyone to get hurt, but it would be nice to see this whole place just burnt to the ground and remade in Cobiah Marriner’s image.”

At press time, none of the citizens overheard had any sort of grandiose plan to accomplish the demolition of a major city, but that maybe if a dragon or god could swing by and knock that out in between other stuff, that it would be great.

[orrator]

SAVE THE CLOCK TOWER!

The Mad King has returned and with him comes the usual frights and sights of the season, but perhaps scariest of them all is the apparition taking up a collection in Lion’s Arch. Almost everyone traveling through the city in between rounds of Mad King Says have been approached and pestered by her and while most are stuffing their faces full of nougat and candy corn, she’s attempting to jam flyers down their throats.

“King Thorn is sponsoring an initiative to replace that clock! Every five seconds, lightning strikes the Mad King’s clock tower, and the costs of repairs are downright scary. We at the Mad King’s Realm Preservation Society think it should be preserved exactly the way it is, as a part of our history and heritage!"

  At press time, the specter’s tin can was heard to have approximately three silver pieces inside, one of which was procured by an agitated youth in a quaggan costume who was attempting to kiss Drooburt the ghost.

[orrator]

[orrator]

ASURA KREWE MAY BE FIRST TO ACHIEVE SPACE TRAVEL

While the Charr have toyed with the idea of upper atmospheric propulsion in the past, using unhinged brute force, it may be a group of botanists that beat them to the stars. You read correctly; a team of top Asura scientists may have discovered the formula for space travel while researching plant life in the Maguuma Jungle. The Orrator caught up with lead researcher Grixx to find out more.

“For the past two years we’ve been intrigued by the array of life that dominates the Maguuma landscape. We knew that some of what we found would end up pushing research outside our field, but we never imagined it would be like this.”

During an experiment to test the upper limits of the local flora trampolinin gigantea, colloquially termed the “bouncing mushrooms,” a cross-bred specimen was inadvertently jumped on by a krewe member who had just returned from field research in the desert highlands. The velocity caused by the mushroom mixed with her newly acquired springer’s physical makeup caused a reaction that still has the team peering into the sky, mouths agape.

“We’ve still not seen her return to terra firma, but her achievement as the first person in space will go down in history. Or would that be ‘up’ in history?”

[orrator]

NEW TRADING POST CLERK JUST FOLLOWING COMPANY POLICY WHEN QUESTIONING WHERE ALL THESE WEAPONS CAME FROM

A new employee of the Black Lion Trading Company was meticulous in her processing of goods being placed on the market by weary adventurers. Citing clearly spelled out guidelines from an ancient dust-covered tome titled “Magnificent Fees and When to Charge Them: An Employee Handbook,” Suzann - a recent graduate from the College of Statics – was steadfast while enforcing paperwork to be filled out in triplicate from each increasingly perturbed patron.

Most veteran sellers had not previously been required to give any more information than their intended sale price, so the red tape involved was a shock. “This is an outrage!” one outraged supplier was heard to say, demanding that he speak with the manager. We were not on location during the exchange and will report back to confirm any potential policy change.

UPDATE: An inside source tells The Orrator that the Black Lion Trading Company has a clerk position vacant at the Lion’s Arch location, which smells faintly of burnt paper.

[orrator]

THIS TITLE’S JUST SIX WORDS LONG

Humans with obsessive compulsive disorders are not pleased with the new number of gods in their pantheon. Given that everything they’ve done in life has been based on a repetition of even numbers, most often the number 6, many are unsure how to cope with an odd-numbered existence. Seeking to make it through these hard times, some humans have begun worshiping Palawa Joko, adding him to their repertoire of praise to even things up.

In related news; “Buy the Six!” the religious goods store based in Divinity’s Reach is having a clearance sale this week.

[orrator]

THE QUICKNESS AND THE FURY: AMNOON DRIFT

     Without a podium finish under her belt but not without a cadre of adoring fans, Formula R racer Uttakkt is seeking a sponsor to continue the season. While it’s been impressive to see what the determined skritt has done atop her steed Pudge, who she claims is just an obese raptor, there’s little to no chance of her finding success without having the financial backing to upgrade to the current year spec.

     Many potential sponsors aren’t willing to take the risk on Ukktakkt given her people’s tendency to horde any money they get their hands on. Yet Djinn Mountersports and Red Dolyak Racing have come forward and are speaking with Ukktakkt’s team to potentially use the racing series to promote their brands. Djinn Mountersports team principle Drojkor told The Orrator, “We think putting the tenacious young skritt on one of our Jackals could show the world how superior they are. You know the old saying, ‘Win on Sunday, get people to do tasks for you around the enclave on Monday.’”

[orrator]

VIVA CHOYA-TA

DESERT HIGHLANDS – The arid climate in Elona has traveling Sylvari investigating the local flora for tips to beat the heat. While most species encountering the area wildlife for the first time have reacted with the usual immediate aggression, some Sylvari are taking a cautiously optimistic approach to the Choya. How the “so-ugly-they’re-cute” little pricks maintain such high energy levels even in the driest conditions is a miracle of nature that our wilting brothers and sisters in arms want a piece of.

“They seem to be able to retain water for incredibly long periods of time, only expending large quantities of the life-sustaining resource when they go into fits of rage,” reports Explorer Beth, a scholar assigned to Pricklepatch Hollow. “It seems the Choya in the Hollow are less ill-tempered and aren’t as likely to attack marketplaces from a condition we’re calling the ‘supermarket sweeps,’ thus the upper Highland Choya seem to have an even longer lifespan.”

But exactly what about their physical makeup that allows them to hold water is still being researched. We only hope that the Sylvari don’t attempt to cross-pollinate with the critters in an effort to find out.

[orrator]

PAVE THE SUN

Tyrian Department of Teleportation (TDOT) authorities are lobbying this week to have more waypoints installed in the Land of the Golden Sun. Now that the lands of Elona are freely accessible, they see potential revenue to be made from quadrupling the area’s current waypoint grid. Elonians, though, are not all aboard.

“We’ve grown accustomed to using the animals we’ve domesticated over the years as a means of quickly moving over this harsh but beautiful landscape,” says Askim, a local Raptor trainer. “Plus, these raptors don’t cost anything in upkeep. They never eat! Never drink! Why get silver and coppered to death on teleporting when you can take three or four leaps on one of these bad boys to get there.”

But citizens of Elona who are too eager to “praise Joko” may have no say in the matter. Krewes, with the aid of the awakened, were witnessed scouting potential locations for future waypoint installments, leaving some to believe that the god king may be involved in fast-tracking the project. 

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[orrator]

ORRATOR NEWS FLASH

TANGLED DEPTHS - Gangs of raptor riders wearing black leather have been reportedly moving through the Maguuma Jungle attacking packs of pocket raptors. Nearby Pact encampment officers are unsure of the motivations behind these targeted attacks, but the local Hylek informed The Orrator that the riders could be heard yelling, “WHO’S ANNOYING NOW?!?”

LIONS ARCH – A young new adventurer was surprised this week when, after being handed some surplus food from a far more seasoned citizen, that he was seemingly not experienced enough to ingest the meal. What appeared to be no physically different than the vegetable soup he had created for himself earlier that day, the zesty turnip soup was simply out of his element, causing him to dump the content all over himself while none would enter his mouth.

[orrator]

DINERS, DRAGONS, AND DIVES

The following is a guest article and in no way represents the opinions of the Orrator or its staff. We also recommend to our readers to limit the use of the “bleach” hair dye kits because it seems to have adverse effects on people.

HEY EVERYBODY IT’S GUY VIABBI, I’M ROLLIN’ OUT TO THIS FUNKY LITTLE SPOT IN ELONA WHERE, GET THIS, THE LOCAL COOK HAS OUTLANDERS ACT AS HIS SOUS-CHEF.

YOU HEARD ME. MASTER CHEF LARAIB IS A ONE MAN COOKING CREW. WELL, ONE MAN RUNNING AROUND HIS KITCHEN LIKE A CHOYA RUNNING AROUND THE MARKETPLACE OF FLAVORTOWN. THE LOCALS SAY HE’S MAKING THE BEST SOUP THIS SIDE OF ORR SO YOU KNOW I HAD TO CHECK IT OUT. BUT HOW DOES ONE MAN DO IT? WELL, HE OFFERS UP A BIT OF HIS TASTY TREAT AS PAYMENT TO ANYONE WILLING TO CHASE HIM DOWN AND GIVE HIM INGREDIENTS. BUT IT’S NO SIMPLE TASK.

IS IT WORTH IT? WELL.... I.... STILL HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO GET A SIP MYSELF, SO I’LL HAVE TO LET YOU KNOW NEXT TIME ON DINERS, DRAGONS, AND DIVES.

[orrator]

AREA MAN LAMENTS NOTHING REALLY GOING ON THIS WEEK

Shuffling through the city streets of Lion’s Arch amidst the usual hustle and bustle, local human Dirk Ronaldson regretfully has nothing on his agenda for the next few days. Citing nothing of importance taking place and no adventures to be had, Dirk figures he may see if anyone on the old Beetletun farm could use a hand, for old times’ sake.

After spotting one of our investigative journalists, Dirk spoke with The Orrator even though we never asked him to. The reporter was working on a story far more interesting than what you’re reading now, but out of pity took the time to assure Dirk that he never knows, something may come up. Possibly tomorrow. And that thing could fill his plans for the foreseeable future.

A sullen Dirk was then witnessed trying to pass the time by catching water from the Lion’s Arch fountain in his mouth.

[orrator]

JUST DO IT

The savvy investor knows to diversify their portfolio. Yet while the market has historically revolved around some known quantities like dolyak belly futures and ectoplasm, collectible investments are beginning to show the promise of positive yields.

The hot ticket items right now are vintage footwear. Shoes and boots that used to trade at ever-decreasing value are seeing new life with today’s young urban professionals who enjoy challenging the status quo. The most sought-after shoes being the classic high-top “AIR Stegalkins.” Already terribly popular shoes in their prime, they were largely a rummage sale item for most until their namesake’s untimely death. Now, they’ve become posthumously popular again and are demanding prices that some would call legendary.

[orrator]

LOCAL MERCHANT PRACTICALLY GIVING THIS STUFF AWAY

Long time Plains of Ashford resident Scar Stripeclaw is beginning to wonder what it will take to move his inventory. For years he's been carefully hand-crafting his wares for the local populace in an effort to entice them into helping organization efforts at the nearby wrecking yard. Cleanup of such a place is a monumental task for one Charr and over the years thousands have attempted to aid Scar, only to see the place look much like it did before they arrived. But now, not only is he still stuck with a mess, but also with a pile of goods that no one seems to want.

"I made these wooden rods and pistols as gifts for anyone who comes to help clean up all this junk, but no one even gives them a glance! They're good rods I tells ya!"

Scar was later seen placing the rods and pistols in the pockets of passers-by and yelling, "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!" as they fled the scene.