I hate everyone
First they all lie, then they lie about lie, then they lie about lying on first place, and then they blame me just to save themselves....
Xuebing Du
Peter Solarz
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@otherline
I hate everyone
First they all lie, then they lie about lie, then they lie about lying on first place, and then they blame me just to save themselves....
Chapter 1 – First Day in Bhopal
Bhopal mornings always arrived slowly.
The sun rose gently over the lakes, spreading soft orange light across the quiet streets. Tea stalls opened before most shops, filling the air with the smell of boiling chai, ginger, and fresh samosas. Auto rickshaws rattled past sleepy neighborhoods while people prepared for another ordinary day.
Inside a modest two story house in Arera Colony, Manak Singh sat on the edge of his bed, staring at his phone.
7:12 AM.
His first day of college.
From the kitchen downstairs came the clinking of steel utensils and his mother’s voice.
“Manak! Jaldi uth jao, you’ll be late!”
“I’m up,” he replied lazily.
He wasn’t nervous.
He wasn’t excited either.
For most people, the first day of college felt like the beginning of something big new friends, new freedom, maybe even love stories.
Manak had already decided he wanted none of that.
He stretched, grabbed his backpack, and walked downstairs.
His father sat at the dining table reading the newspaper, glasses resting low on his nose.
“First day today?” his father asked without looking up.
“Hmm.”
“Focus on studies. College distractions ruin people.”
Manak nodded.
That was something he completely agreed with.
Especially one particular distraction.
Love.
He had seen what it did to people.
Friends crying over breakups. Promises turning into arguments. People changing completely just because someone else walked into their life.
Manak had made a quiet promise to himself long ago.
Never fall in love.
Life becomes simpler that way.
No expectations.
No emotional chaos.
Just peace.
Half an hour later he was riding his bike through the busy roads of Bhopal.
Traffic lights blinked lazily. Street vendors arranged fruits on their carts. Students wearing backpacks gathered near bus stops.
The college gate appeared ahead of him, crowded with new faces.
He parked his bike near the boundary wall and leaned against it, observing everything.
Groups were already forming.
Some people looked lost.
Some were laughing too loudly.
A couple stood near the gate, holding hands like the world didn’t exist around them.
Manak watched them for a moment and shook his head slightly.
"People really build their lives around this thing," he thought.
"Love."
He slipped his earphones in and started playing music, letting the noise of the campus fade into the background.
For him, college was simple.
Attend lectures.
Finish assignments.
Graduate.
That was it.
No unnecessary complications.
Students slowly began moving toward the academic block.
Manak followed the crowd inside.
The corridors smelled faintly of chalk dust and fresh paint. Notice boards were filled with class schedules and club posters.
He stopped in front of one board, trying to find his section.
A small crowd had gathered there.
And in the middle of it…
Someone was arguing.
Not loudly.
But stubbornly.
“I’m telling you, the list is wrong,” a girl said, pointing at the sheet of paper pinned to the board.
“Your name is literally right there,” another student replied.
“That’s not my roll number.”
Manak glanced up briefly.
She had long dark hair falling over one side of her face, a notebook tucked under her arm, and an expression that looked equal parts irritated and amused.
Her name, written on the sheet she was pointing at, was Kriti Verma.
Manak looked away after a second.
Just another student.
Just another face in the crowd.
Nothing important.
Yet for some reason, when she finally stopped arguing and turned around, her eyes briefly met his.
Just for a moment.
Then she walked away down the corridor.
Manak didn’t think about it again.
He simply adjusted his backpack and headed toward his classroom.
Completely unaware that this random, ordinary morning in Bhopal had just quietly introduced him to the person who would someday change everything he believed about love.
in the mood to be hugged for an entire night
in the mood to be hugged for an entire lifetime
in the mood to be hugged in every universe
ig i should write a story here
Not some perfect day.....
Some days don’t collapse all at once. They slowly fall apart in small, irritating pieces.
Today was one of those days.
The morning itself wasn’t bad. In fact, it was strangely empty. The kind of empty where time just drags its feet. I sat there all day, work done, nothing urgent, nothing broken just boredom stretching across the hours. I wasn’t sad, not really. Just tired of the stillness.
And then, out of nowhere, chaos decided to arrive.
My manager shouted at me. Not the normal frustrated tone people use when something actually goes wrong no. The kind of shouting that makes you question if the blame just needed a place to land. And today it landed on me.
The strange part is… I did my work. All week long I did exactly what I was supposed to do.
But someone lost something. And somehow that meant everything had to be redesigned.
A whole week of work erased with a single sentence.
“Do it again.”
Sometimes work feels less like building something and more like sweeping sand in the wind.
I got angry. Really angry. The kind of anger that sits in your chest and burns like it’s trying to escape through your voice. I shouted on the call. I couldn’t stop myself. Because deep down I knew this wasn’t my fault.
And yet somehow it became my responsibility.
After that, the whole day felt off balance.
So I went to the theatre. Not for the movie, not really. I think I just wanted to sit somewhere dark where no one expected anything from me.
And then I saw her.
Just a few seats away.
My girlfriend.
So close that if life were a little simpler, I could have just walked over, sat beside her, and complained about my stupid day. Maybe laughed about it. Maybe forgotten it completely.
But she was with her father.
So I stayed where I was.
Funny how sometimes the distance between two people is only a few seats… yet it feels like miles.
I sat there watching the screen, pretending to care about the movie while my mind wandered everywhere else. I missed her. Not in some dramatic way just the quiet kind of missing. The kind where you simply wish someone was sitting next to you.
And right in the middle of the show, my phone rang.
Work again.
They told me to redo everything. Right now.
I remember staring at the phone thinking, seriously?
It felt like the universe had perfect timing just to make sure the day didn’t get even slightly better.
For a moment I really questioned everything.
Why am I doing this job? Why does effort disappear so easily? Why do some days feel like they’re built only to test how much frustration a person can hold?
But maybe days like this exist for a reason.
Maybe life isn’t measured by the smooth days the easy ones where everything works perfectly.
Maybe life is measured by the strange, imperfect days like today… where work goes wrong, anger slips out of your voice, love sits a few seats away, and you realize how much of life happens in the spaces you can’t control.
Because in the end, weeks of work can be erased. Plans can collapse. Meetings can turn into arguments.
But the strange thing about life is this:
Even the worst days quietly become stories.
And maybe that’s the philosophy of it all that life isn’t really about having perfect days.
It’s about surviving the messy ones… and somehow still finding poetry hidden inside the chaos.
Why do I love you?
I asked myself that question the moment you asked me. I tried to look for a reason the way people usually do something simple, something that fits into one sentence. But every time I tried, the answer kept slipping away… because loving you was never something my mind decided. It was something my heart quietly started doing long before I realized it.
I love you the way the earth loves the rain not because it has to, but because when it arrives, everything inside begins to feel alive again.
I love the way your eyes exist in this world. They’re not just eyes; they’re entire galaxies pretending to be simple. Sometimes they’re calm, like a quiet lake early in the morning, and sometimes they hold storms that you try so hard to hide. And I love both. I love the way they soften when you laugh, the way they wander when you're thinking too much, the way they carry stories you rarely say out loud. When they look at me, it feels like for a second the whole world pauses just to let me stay there.
I love your smile not just when it’s bright and effortless, but also the small ones. The shy smile you try to hide. The tired smile that appears even when your day has been heavy. The way the corner of your lips lifts slowly, like the sun rising over a quiet horizon. That smile feels like warmth after a long winter.
I love your laugh. Not just the sound of it, but the way it escapes you unexpectedly. The way your shoulders move with it. The way it fills the silence and makes the air feel lighter. Your laugh is the kind of sound that makes ordinary moments feel like memories.
I love your voice every shade of it. The way it sounds when you're excited and words start tripping over each other. The softer tone when you're calm. The slightly sleepy voice when you're tired. Even the quiet pauses between your words feel beautiful to me.
And then there are the tiny details people usually overlook.
The way your hair falls naturally around your face, sometimes messy, sometimes perfectly careless like the wind itself styled it. The way a single strand moves when you tilt your head. The way you absent-mindedly fix it when you're thinking.
The way your hands move when you talk, like they’re helping your thoughts find their way into the world. The little gestures you probably don’t even notice but somehow they make you you.
I even love the parts of you that you might not love yourself.
The scars whether they’re on your skin or hidden somewhere deeper in your heart. They tell stories of battles you survived. To me they don’t make you imperfect… they make you real, strong, human.
I love the way you smell too not in a poetic exaggeration, but in the quiet way someone’s presence becomes familiar. That subtle scent that lingers in the air after you leave, the one that makes memories stay a little longer.
I love the way you exist when you're not trying to impress anyone. When you're simply being yourself. When you're quiet. When you're thinking. When you're annoyed. When you're confused about the world. All of it feels honest.
And maybe the strangest part is this I even love your distance sometimes. The moments when you need space. The way you retreat into your own world. Because it reminds me that you're not just someone in my life… you're your own universe.
You’re not perfect. You overthink. You get tired. You carry worries you rarely share.
But somehow, even your storms look beautiful to me.
Because loving you was never about finding perfection. It was about finding someone whose existence makes the world feel a little softer.
So when you ask me why I love you…
It’s your eyes, your smile, your laugh, your voice. It’s the way your hair falls, the way your hands move, the quiet strength behind your scars. It’s the warmth of your presence and the silence you leave behind.
It’s every small detail stitched together into someone I could never replace.
And maybe the truth is this:
I didn’t wake up one day and decide to love you.
It happened slowly… quietly… like a poem writing itself line by line until one day I realized you had become my favorite story
I felt ignored today, and I won’t lie about that. It stirred something deep inside me the anxious part of me that always wants to fix distance the moment it appears. When silence stretches even a little, my instinct is to reach out, to text her, to close the gap before it grows wider. Not because I want to control anything, not because I expect something in return but because closeness feels safe to me. Connection with her feels like reassurance.
But today I paused.
I realized that the way I feel love isn’t the only way it exists. The way I seek comfort through conversation, through presence, through immediacy might not be the way she does. Where I lean in, she sometimes steps back. Where I feel the urge to talk it through, she might need space to breathe, to think, to just be on her own. And that doesn’t mean she cares less. It just means she’s different from me.
I’m not writing this to blame her. I don’t think she’s wrong for needing space. If anything, I’m learning that love isn’t about molding someone into what makes us comfortable. It’s about understanding what makes them comfortable too.
I think I’ve always wanted to place her first in my world to make her a priority in the way I naturally prioritize the person I care about. And somewhere inside me, I hoped she would do the same in the exact same way. But maybe that expectation was unfair. Not because I was wrong to want closeness, but because I assumed closeness had to look identical for both of us.
She doesn’t like getting too involved in someone else’s space or emotions the way I do. She values independence. She protects her peace. And I’m slowly understanding that this isn’t distance it’s just her rhythm.
As an anxious person, I’m trying to grow. I’m trying to sit with discomfort instead of reacting to it. I’m trying not to interpret her silence as rejection. I’m trying to give her space without feeling abandoned. And that’s not easy for me. But I’m doing it not because she asked me to change, not because I feel forced to but because I want to love her in a way that respects who she is.
If she ever reads this, I hope she doesn’t feel accused. This isn’t me saying she’s not enough or that she’s done something wrong. This is just me being honest about my inner world about the way I’m learning to balance my need for closeness with her need for space.
Maybe this is what growth looks like. Two different attachment styles trying to meet somewhere in the middle. Maybe love isn’t about eliminating differences, but about understanding them gently.
I’m still anxious sometimes. I still feel that urge to reach out immediately. But I’m learning to pause. I’m learning that giving her space doesn’t mean losing her. And maybe, just maybe, this is how we make it work not by changing who we are completely, but by softening the edges for each other.
Being with an avoidant when you are anxious feels like standing at the edge of the sea, always watching the tide.
You move closer when you feel distance. They move away when they feel closeness.
As an anxious person, love for you is reassurance. It is texts that say “I’m here.” It is calls that last a little longer. It is eye contact that doesn’t break too soon. You measure safety in response time, in tone shifts, in the space between words. When something feels off, your chest tightens. You don’t want drama. You just want certainty.
But when you are with someone avoidant, certainty feels like pressure to them.
The more you lean in, the more they lean back. When you ask, “Are we okay?” they hear, “You’re not enough.” When you say, “Can we talk?” they hear, “You’re trapped.” So they withdraw not always loudly, not with cruelty, but with silence. With “I need space.” With delayed replies. With emotional walls that rise just when you’re trying to feel closer.
And that’s where the cycle begins.
Your anxiety tells you to fix it. Send another message. Clarify your feelings. Apologize even if you’re not sure what for. You become hyper-aware. You replay conversations. You search for what changed. Meanwhile, their instinct is to detach. To self-soothe alone. To convince themselves they don’t need anyone too much.
You start to feel like you are “too much.” They start to feel like you are “too demanding.”
But the truth is neither of you are wrong you are just wired differently.
You fear abandonment. They fear engulfment.
You crave closeness to feel safe. They crave distance to feel safe.
And if neither understands this dance, it becomes exhausting. You begin to shrink your needs so they won’t run. They begin to silence their needs so they won’t feel controlled. Love becomes a negotiation between closeness and escape.
But maybe just maybe it’s not a bad combination at all.
Because what if the anxious partner learns patience instead of panic? What if the avoidant partner learns vulnerability instead of withdrawal? What if one teaches consistency, and the other teaches independence?
The anxious heart can remind the avoidant how beautiful connection is. The avoidant heart can show the anxious that space is not abandonment.
When both choose awareness over ego, growth over fear, this pairing can become balanced. One grounds the other. One softens the other. Instead of chasing and running, it becomes reaching and staying.
Maybe it’s not a curse. Maybe it’s two opposite wounds that, if handled gently, can actually heal each other.
And maybe, in the right hands, it’s not chaos at all maybe it’s growth.
If it will be called funny...........s how the rules kept changing, but the cage never really opened.
All my childhood, the script was clear. “Don’t cry. You’re a boy.” “Be strong. You’re a boy.” “What are you scared of? Are you a girl or what?”
Tears were treated like a stain on masculinity. Fear was shameful. Sensitivity was weakness. Strength meant silence. Strength meant swallowing whatever hurt you and letting it rot inside. I learned early that being a “man” meant performing invincibility.
So I performed.
I stitched my mouth shut around my feelings. I turned pain into jokes. I turned fear into anger. I turned sadness into silence. Because that’s what I was taught earns respect. That’s what makes people feel safe around you. That’s what makes people stay.
And then, years later, the world changed its tone.
Suddenly people said, “It’s okay to cry.” “It’s okay to be vulnerable.” “It’s okay to be weak.”
But it didn’t feel true. Not completely.
Because I’ve seen it. A man can say he’s struggling, and the room goes quiet in a different way. A man can admit he’s scared, and something subtle shifts. People don’t always leave, but they look at him differently. The same world that encourages vulnerability still rewards composure. Still admires control. Still feels safest around the man who seems unshakeable.
So now I’m stuck between two teachings.
The old one: Be strong or be nothing.
The new one: Be open, be soft, be real.
And I don’t know which one keeps me loved.
That’s the suffocating part. Not the pain itself but the confusion. If I let myself be weak, will the people who lean on me still feel protected? If I admit I’m tired, will they still trust me to carry weight? If I cry in front of someone, will they still see me the same way tomorrow?
Or will something invisible break?
So most men learn a compromise. Cry alone. Break in private. Then wash your face and return as the version of yourself the world understands. The strong one. The steady one. The dependable one.
But here’s the thought that keeps creeping in what if strength was never the absence of emotion? What if it was the ability to feel without collapsing? What if being a man isn’t about choosing strong or weak, but about integrating both?
Because the truth is, pretending not to feel is exhausting. It’s heavy. It builds pressure. And pressure, when trapped too long, doesn’t disappear it explodes or implodes.
Maybe the real strength isn’t in never crying. Maybe it’s in choosing who gets to see your tears.
Not everyone deserves your vulnerability. But someone should. A friend. A partner. A brother. A space where you don’t have to perform.
You don’t have to become weak. And you don’t have to become stone.
You can become balanced.
Strong enough to stand. Soft enough to feel. Wise enough to know the difference between public composure and private honesty.
The world may still be confused about men. But you don’t have to be confused about yourself.
You don’t choose between strong or weak. You choose authentic.
And the people who truly love you? They won’t feel less safe because you have emotions. They’ll feel closer because you trust them enough to show them.
The real suffocation isn’t crying. It’s pretending you never need to.
something here is not alone...
Some evenings fall a little slow, like footsteps fading in the snow. A quiet chair, a vacant space, and dusk still holds a tender trace.
The window waits with softened light, as if it watched her leave that night. No words were spoken, none were due the silence knew, the silence knew.
A cup grows cold, the air stands still, time bends against its fragile will. Nothing is said, nothing is shown yet something here is not alone.
The Best Friend Who Never Spoke — Yet Said the Most
Some people enter your life loudly.
She entered mine in silence She was my best friend, Not my girlfriend..Not someone I loved romantically......Just my best friend the rare kind you don’t realize is rare until they’re gone she couldn’t speak, she was mute.
And maybe that’s what makes it beautiful and painful at the same time the person who couldn’t talk was the one who communicated with me the most,She had no voice yet she never stopped “talking” to me, through expressions ,through messages, through the way her eyes reacted before I even finished typing, through the way she stayed present when my thoughts were chaotic she didn’t need words to understand me somehow she just did.............I could be stressed, overthinking, irritated, dramatic ,completely in my head and she would still be there, never judging me for the way i thought ,for the amout of thought i have, I could do all my “nakhre” in front of her, and she never made me feel like I was too much....................
There’s a difference between someone hearing you and someone understanding you, she understood me. When my mind wasn’t in a good place when I felt low, confused, or overwhelmed she had this quiet superpower. She would cheer me up without saying a single word. A simple gesture, A reaction, A message, And suddenly the weight felt lighter................isn’t it strange?
The world might have seen her silence as a limitation. But to me, her silence was comfort.
She never made me feel like a burden. Never made me feel exhausting. She treated me like I mattered, Like I was important, Like my emotions weren’t “too much.”
It’s been years since COVID took her away. The world moved on. Life resumed. But grief doesn’t measure time the way calendars do.
Some days I’m okay.
And then some evenings, out of nowhere, I miss her so much that the silence feels louder than ever....I think what I miss most isn’t just her presence It’s knowing that there once existed someone who understood me without needing explanations Someone who didn’t compete, didn’t judge, didn’t compare.
Someone who stayed.
People say you’ll find new friends. And maybe that’s true,But not every bond can be recreated some friendships are once-in-a-lifetime.
She never had a voice. Yet she was the loudest comfort in my life.
And even today, when I feel alone, I think of her the only friend i ever had and I remember that once, in this huge world, there was someone who understood me completely… without ever saying a word.
And that is what a real friend is.
Haven't I
I hear everything.
I just choose which wounds deserve a voice.
Some battles I lost on purpose,
just so you wouldn’t feel accused.
If devotion is measured in swallowed truths,
haven’t I bled enough already?
Not a complain
I don’t want this to sound like a complaint, because it’s not. It’s just my heart trying to speak softly.
What I truly want with you is something real — something transparent and honest. Not because I doubt you, but because I care so deeply about us. I would rather know everything, even the things that might hurt a little, than ever feel distance between us. If something is real, I can handle it. I just want us to always be open with each other.
And it’s not about your body or anything physical. When I say I miss you or I want more time, it’s because I miss you — your presence, your energy, the way you make me feel safe. I crave your love, your attention, your little efforts. Even the smallest things from you mean so much to me.
Sometimes I just want to feel you choosing me in small ways — a message first, a random reassurance, something that tells me, “I’m thinking about you.” Not because you’re doing anything wrong, and not because I’m keeping score. It’s just that I love you so much, and when you show effort, it makes my heart feel secure.
Maybe I’m scared too. Scared because you love me so purely, and I love you just as deeply. I don’t want to lose something so beautiful. I don’t want misunderstandings or unspoken feelings to slowly create distance. I want us to feel safe enough to say anything — even the messy, imperfect thoughts — and still hold each other tighter after.
I’m not asking you to change who you are. I just want us to keep growing closer. I want to feel like we’re both walking toward each other, not just one of us trying harder. And I promise, whatever the truth is, whatever you feel, I will accept it — because having something honest with you means more to me than pretending everything is perfect.
I love you. And I just want us to feel deeply, openly, and safely in love — together.
And some time the worst is ki your mind is the only thing that fuck your own life
Am I a bad boyfriend?
It’s been more than ten days since I last saw her, and lately everything feels strangely empty. I miss her in ways that are hard to explain. It’s not just missing a person it’s missing the comfort, the energy, the way everything feels lighter when she’s around. Sometimes I sit quietly, thinking she’s probably getting used to a life where I’m not physically there… maybe slowly, unknowingly, she’s forgetting me. And just when that thought starts to sink too deep, a text from her lights up my screen. For a second, my heart feels full again.
But now, texting doesn’t feel enough.
I know we’re both busy. I know we both have responsibilities, deadlines, pressure, expectations. We’re trying to build our futures. I understand that. I respect that. But somewhere in between all that ambition and chaos, I just want one day. Or maybe even five minutes every day. Just five real minutes. Not through a screen. Not through a notification. Just her and me, in the same space.
I don’t need anything fancy. No big plans. No perfect date. I just want to see her. To look at her face without a screen between us. To hear her laugh in real life. To sit beside her, even in silence. I miss the physical presence the small things that texting can’t replace.
When I ask her to meet, she says no not because she doesn’t care, but because she feels bad that I would have to travel far. She says she doesn’t want me to take that trouble. But the truth is, it doesn’t feel like trouble to me. If I’m willing to come, if I’m happy to travel just to see her for a little while, why does it feel like she’s holding back? Why does it feel like she doesn’t want that effort from me?
That’s the part that hurts quietly.
Sometimes she makes me feel a little unloved. Not unloved completely because I know she cares. I know she enjoys talking to me. I know she feels something real. But there’s this tiny distance growing, like an invisible wall. And I can feel it. I feel like I’m reaching out a little more than she is. I feel like I’m craving her presence more than she craves mine.
And maybe I’m overthinking. I know I overthink a lot. My mind creates stories that may not even be true. But emotions don’t wait for logic. When days pass without seeing her, my thoughts get louder. I start questioning things I shouldn’t. I start wondering if she’s slowly becoming okay without me.
What hurts the most is not the distance. It’s the feeling of wanting someone so badly and not knowing if they want you in the same way, at the same intensity.
I don’t want to control her time. I don’t want to demand anything. I just want to feel chosen. I want her to say, “Come. Let’s meet. I want to see you too.” I want to feel like I’m not the only one counting the days.
Sometimes I sit and replay our conversations in my head. I try to see if I said something wrong. If I became too needy. If I asked for too much. And then I start blaming myself. Maybe I’m too emotional. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I’m becoming a bad boyfriend because I can’t just stay calm and patient.
But is it really wrong to want to see the person you love?
I don’t need constant attention. I don’t need all her time. I just need reassurance that I matter the same way she matters to me. I need to feel that she misses me too not just in words, but in actions.
Because right now, I miss her in everything. In random songs. In empty evenings. In small moments where I wish she was beside me. I miss her voice when I’m tired. I miss her presence when something good happens and she’s the first person I want to tell.
And maybe I’m not a bad boyfriend.
Maybe I’m just a boy who loves deeply. A boy who wants to hold on, who wants to make effort, who’s scared of drifting apart. A boy who doesn’t want distance to turn into silence.
I just want to meet her.
Even if it’s for a few minutes.
Because sometimes, five minutes in real life can heal what ten days of texting cannot
Who I was , who I becoming, who I am ??????
Yeah… I just realised how much she loves me.
It didn’t hit me all at once.
It came quietly
in the pauses between my overthinking,
in the calm after the storms I created in my own head.
I was so busy fearing distance,
waiting,
being forgotten while waiting
that I forgot to notice the way she never actually left.
She stayed.
In her tired days.
In her short replies that still carried care.
In the way she held space for me even when I was drowning in nothing but my own thoughts.
I laughed at myself for a moment
not a happy laugh,
but that soft, broken one you do
when you realise you were fighting shadows.
All this fear,
all this noise inside me,
and there she was
loving me quietly, steadily, without drama.
I kept asking, what if something goes wrong?
While she kept proving, what if nothing does?
It’s strange how love doesn’t always announce itself loudly.
Sometimes it just shows up every day,
even when you’re hard to deal with,
even when you’re tired of yourself.
And I realised—
it wasn’t distance that scared me,
or time,
or waiting.
It was the idea that something so real
could exist without needing me to suffer for it.
So yeah…
I see it now.
I see her love in the smallest things.
And for the first time in a while,
my overthinking went quiet—
not because everything is perfect,
but because everything is real.