It's now been a year since I had a falling out with an ex friend of mine, their friends accused me of sexual harassment (they didn't use that word but they were saying I was unwantedly flirting with them and "making them uncomfortable as a game" which feels like they're accusing me of sexual harassment without actually using the word) I feel so shitty about it still.
It's so hard to trust my own memory, I still feel like I have to be remembering wrong, missing something, I have to be in the wrong, right? Why would they lie? Why would my friend metaphorically stick their neck out for these people if it wasn't true? This friend was a roommate and they only paid 750 for rent when the average rent price in my area is at the very least over 1k. There's no logical reason they would throw away stable, affordable housing if they didn't truly believe what they were saying. I have to be wrong. I have to be missing something. I have to be a bad person. I had to have done the things they said right?
Every person I talk to about this always says the same thing, that what they said happened makes no sense and doesn't align with my character. One of my friends when prompted with the question of, "would you stay anon's friend if you found out that it was true" she could only respond with "I don't know" because she genuinely could not even imagine me doing any of the things these people said I did. Other people (all adults over the age of like 30) told me that the way I acted is normal when you're drunk, that it's normal to be lovey dovey with friends after you've had a couple drinks. I had just turned 21 at the time, I didn't know what was happening! But these all feel like excuses.
They called me an incel. Which hurt a lot. My mom is a lesbian, because of this I view women and feminine folk very highly, the idea that I came across as an incel makes me so disgusted with myself. I'm also aromantic and romance repulsed, I say aroallo because that's comfortable for me but in reality I'm asexual (I don't feel sexual attraction but I enjoy sex, sexual topics and humor, etc. and just generally don't fit in in most ace spaces, I don't like calling myself asexual because it genuinely doesn't feel like I am asexual beyond the fact I don't feel sexual attraction.)
1. Having them imply I was romantically interested in them made me grossed out. I felt so sick to my stomach having my actions be perceived as romantic, being perceived as feeling romantic attraction upset me so much it contributed to me going through psychosis (not 100% confirmed that's what it was but my therapist said the way I described what I was going through sounded like it could be so I just go along with that, hope that's alright)
And 2. Having them sexualize my platonic affection fucked me up in ways I can barely even describe. I'm already an extremely anxious and paranoid person, I'm constantly afraid I'm saying or doing something wrong, so having the idea confirmed in my head that I'm making folk uncomfortable and they're just not telling me has done so much damage to my relationships to the point people I've trusted for a decade have suddenly become strangers to my mind. I really struggle to let myself trust that people will just tell me if I upset or hurt them. My close friends and family noticed a change, I've gotten a comment from almost all of them saying that ever since it happened I'm more anxious, I'm constantly checking and double checking and triple checking I'm not making anyone uncomfortable, and I don't even hardly drink anymore, and when I do I only drink with my mom.
I hate myself so much. I truly wish I was dead. I would have preferred them drowning me in that disgusting lake we went to than do this to me. They hurt me in ways I don't think I can ever recover from. I just wish they believed me. I wish they didn't think I was lying when I said I was sorry or that making them uncomfortable wasn't my intention. When I tell someone they "give mermaid vibes" I don't mean that sexually, or romantically, it's just my stupid autistic brain not understanding social cues and trying to say they're pretty. When I say "haha if you didn't have a boyfriend I'd make out with you sloppy style hahaha" it's not meant to be taken seriously, it was a bad joke! It was inappropriate! I should not have said that! But I feel like the phrase "make out sloppy style" can't be taken in any serious context. I also in this same conversation went off about how I'm gay, and that I appreciate women but wasn't attracted to them. Why would I then try and flirt with and get a woman to leave her boyfriend for me?? I just wanted to fit in. I tried copying jokes I made with our mutual friend just so they'd like me. I just wanted to be a normal irresponsible 21 year old. I just wanted to not be alone.
(I'll call this person Sah for privacy) Sah said I tried to make her uncomfortable as a game, she said I made her extremely uncomfortable and she was the main victim. Despite this, a month after I did these things I was invited to go out drinking with Sah again. Despite this Sah came to my house multiple times in a month to play D&D with me, and sat directly next to me every single time. We didn't have assigned seating, she chose to sit next to me despite me making her uncomfortable, and I can't understand why. I can't get my brain to understand why these things happened, it doesn't make sense to me. I want to understand but they wouldn't explain anything to me, or anyone else who asked. I genuinely believe she was uncomfortable, I'm not saying it's not real or anything, if she says that's how I made her feel I believe her. I just wish I could understand.
Multiple times I was "begged to have empathy" for others, which led to me believing I didn't experience empathy, which really fucked me up. After I got diagnosed with autism professionally and I went to a therapist that specializes in autism she asked me if I thought I experience empathy, I told her no, explained why, explained this situation, and she told me she believes I do experience empathy, if not hyper-empathy (not sure about that one). I feel so confused, how can one person think I experience no empathy and another think I experience hyper empathy? Both based on the same situation?
I just wish I trusted myself from the start, I knew making friends was a bad idea. I knew it. I got a pit in my stomach whenever I talked to them at first, why did I ignore that? Why didn't I listen? I hate living like this. I wish I remembered things the way they described them. I wish I remembered so I could change. I don't want to hurt people. I feel like I'll always hurt people, no matter how hard I try not to.
Idk what this is anymore. I should text my therapist.
