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that feeling...

you know that feeling when you are really looking forward to something and its finally gonna happen and then it all comes crashing down on you?

well it happened to me. in the form of ice cream being put in the fridge and as a result no ice cream after walking/driving in the rain

#earnesticecream

****

i need an anger outlet.

**** feelings.

johnathonolyon

Sequential Moments – Penny Rolle and Giving a Shit About All Those Minds I Don’t Really Wanna Read

(Sequential Moments is whatever the fuck the thing you’re about to read is. This is the first one. Expect more. I talk about specific moments in/issues of comics that affected. So, spoilers. A lot of ‘em. Specifically for issue #3 of BITCH PLANET by Kelly Sue DeConnick and Robert Wilson IV. You = warned.)

I was 12 when I got fat.

Before that, I think I was growing too fast for the shitty metabolism to catch up. I was still pretty popular. Kids always liked me because I was the first one to figure out how to be funny. So not much changed at first. I pretended to be sick on the class trip to the swimming pool, and that was about it. They didn’t give me any shit for it yet. They still laughed. They still liked me.

I still liked me.

BITCH PLANET is a comic about people who’re treated like shit just because the people doing it can get away with it. Or it isn’t. I don’t know.

I mean, that’s what it’s about when I read it, though.

“Noncompliant” women on a prison planet. Didn’t live up to society’s standards. Penny Rolle is there because she’s fat. And doesn’t take people’s shit. Issue three is about her. Her origin and all that. That’s the issue this blog is about.

I was 13 when people started to not like me for being fat.

That’s not be fair, actually. They probably still liked me if they liked me before. But they at least treated me differently. It was hard for me to see how it was different when I was 13.

And if they did stop liking me, it might’ve been because I acted different. I didn’t think I’d keep putting on weight. I tried eating less. Still gained. Rode my bike more. Same shit. I acted differently because I didn’t have control over my body anymore. I resented it for that. Still do.

At 12, it didn’t bother me. In my mind, some people were skinny and some people were fat. Never affected how much I liked them or anything. At 12, I was cool with it. At 13, I realized other people weren’t.

I was 13 when I learned to hate myself.

Penny Rolle was cool with it. Her body, I mean. She’s strong. Stronger than the men. Stronger than everyone. She’s fucking badass. Why would you be ashamed of that.

But they weren’t cool with it. “They.”

So they expected her to not be cool with it. Because she’s not normal. “Normal.”

I was 14 when I stopped going to school.

The girls I had crushes on didn’t have crushes on me anymore. Wasn’t really invited to friends’ houses anymore. Wasn’t making any new ones. People made jokes about my weight. I wasn’t the only funny one anymore.

I didn’t feel human. I felt like something else. Nearly human. But less than all the other humans. Not quite human.

And I felt like I chose this. It was all my fault. I don’t wanna say I was wrong about that. But I really don’t wanna say I was right, either. Feels more complex than that.

I pretended to be sick. Until I really was sick.

Goddamn was I sick.

I was 14 when I became suicidal.

If only they could make Penny Rolle realize how disgusting she is. How unattractive she is. Why wouldn’t you want to be attractive? Why wouldn’t you want to be loved? Why would she choose that?

No, of course they’re not the ones choosing that. It’s her choice to be that way. They need to show her what’s wrong with her. Help her. She needs help.

I was 19 when I wasn’t fat anymore.

It took years. Lots of biking. Lots of being too broke to eat. Lots of working out. Lots of self-hatred.

Lots of self-hatred.

And girls talked to me again. I made new friends. I could comfortably wear a t-shirt in public. The girl I had a crush on since 7th grade asked if I wanted to hang out. We started dating 3 days later.

Everyone saw me as a human again. Except me.

I knew what I really was. Disgusting. Flawed. Worthless. Less than human. The self-hatred stayed.

Because it was never the fat that I hated. I had to develop an irrational hatred of myself to motivate me. The only way to understand why everyone else treated me how they did. I hated myself to survive. Self-hatred as self-preservation.

And there was my choice: Accepted by others. Or accepted by myself.

That goddamn fucking piece of shit choice.

I chose neither.

Put most of the weight back on. I felt too weak and worthless to exercise anymore. Things fell apart with my girlfriend I’d had a crush on since 7th grade. I won’t say it was because I put the weight back on. That’s not fair to her.

I was 21 and worse than I’d ever been.

Penny Rolle just wanted what we all want. Not what we think we want. Not what they think we want. What we actually want.

Penny Rolle wanted to be happy.

And since she’s smart enough to not give a fuck about being the person everyone else wanted her to be – since she just gave a fuck about being the person she wanted be – she could be happy.

She made the choice. That cocksucking asshole of a choice. That’s why she’s strong. Stronger than everyone.

She chose right, I think.

I’m 23 and I still hate myself.

My weight still fluctuates. I’m far from my heaviest. Far from my skinniest. And I’m not happy with myself. I struggle with that daily.

Wish I could say this comic made me immediately figure shit out, but it didn’t. It didn’t give me an answer.

But it did change the choice. It’s not “Everyone else likes me vs. I like me” anymore. It’s more “What version of myself would make me happy?”

I don’t know the answer yet. Maybe I wanna be massive and strong and badass like Penny Rolle. Maybe I wanna be skinny. Maybe that kinda shit doesn’t matter and I just wanna be “good.” Whatever the fuck that means.

Maybe I wanna be someone who gives a fuck about what other people think. But I’m pretty sure I don’t.

I don’t know the answer yet. But at least I know the question.

I don’t know. That seemed significant to me.

a-bittersweet-life

Could you make a list of films currently streaming on Netflix that you'd recommend? Really appreciated the 21 film list you made a year or so ago. Au Hasard Balthazar became one of my favorite films thanks to it.

Sounds like an excellent idea! It’s great to know that Au Hasard Balthazar became a favorite film from that 21 Films to Inspire Your Film Passion post, though I must admit if you arrived to Bresson’s film in another way, you would have loved it no matter what. I’ll work on a new list as today’s posts–centered on one of the directors from that 21 films list–go up. One thing that comes to mind, however, is that a list of films only streaming on Netflix may be quite limiting and could prevent you and others from seeing some great films. For example, Netflix does not even have Au Hasard Balthazar, and imagine living a life without having seen it? So, with that in mind, it might be better to have a vote:

All are welcomed to comment here on what list should be created: a general 21 films list or 21 films currently streaming on Netflix list. At the end of the day, I’ll proceed with the popular vote. Thank you, Anonymous!

a-bittersweet-life

21 Films to Inspire Your Film Passion

Inspired by the “Top 10 Films” list, I have created a list of 21 films that I believe are studies in cinema while being among my personal favorites. There is a quality of poetry in each of them, though they display the poetic in their own unique and cinematic ways. As Andrei Tarkovsky said, When I speak of poetry I am not thinking of it as a genre. Poetry is an awareness of the world, a particular way of relating to reality. Cinema is a great medium through which we can relate to reality, and hopefully, these films bring that realization upon the viewer and at the same time nourishes a love for filmmaking.

Le Samouraï, directed by Jean-Pierre Melville.

A Bittersweet Life, directed by Kim Jee-woon.

Au Hasard Balthazar, directed by Robert Bresson.

Mirror, directed by Andrei Tarkovsky.

Hunger, directed by Steve McQueen.

In the Mood for Love, directed by Wong Kar-wai.

Un Lac, directed by Philippe Grandrieux.

Once Upon a Time in Anatolia, directed by Nuri Bilge Ceylan.

The Best of Youth, directed by Marco Tullio Giordana.

Reprise, directed by Joachim Trier.

Revanche, directed by Götz Spielmann.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, directed by Andrew Dominik.

The Spirit of the Beehive, directed by Victor Erice.

Persona, directed by Ingmar Bergman.

A Woman Under the Influence, directed by John Cassavetes.

2001: A Space Odyssey, directed by Stanley Kubrick.

Vampyr, directed by Carl Theodor Dreyer.

Faust, directed by F.W. Murnau.

City Lights, directed by Charlie Chaplin.

Taxi Driver, directed by Martin Scorsese.

Days of Heaven, directed by Terrence Malick.

ygfamilyy

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ygfamilyy

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swarnpert

my favorite theory about anything ever is that the titanic sank because too many people time traveled to that place to try to stop the titanic from sinking

omg-padfoot-deactivated20231007

Imagine if Dudley did have a magical child though.

He and Harry haven’t spoken since ‘I don’t think you’re a waste of space’ and he’s matured enough to realise his parents were not good to Harry, especially since the birth of his own little girls because God forbid anything happened to him and they were treated like Harry was.

On Daisy Dursley’s eleventh birthday theres a knock on the door and his wife, Anita, just stares and he feels his stomach drop because the stern lady on the doorstep is wearing a cloak and pointed hat.

They listen to the woman - Professor McGonagall - explain and Anita is surprised but receptive, Daisy is excited and Dudley is terrified of what this means.

It’s a surprise to his wife and little girl when at the end of her explanation, while Daisy’s flicking through a book with moving pictures and Anita peers over her shoulder, Dudley blurts out ‘it’s safe now then? Your world?’

Professor Mcgonagall gives a wry smile and assures him that the magical world is indeed safe. It dawns on him that she was expecting this, that she’d perhaps researched him and was aware of his relation to Harry.

He then admits to Anita and Daisy that his cousin is a wizard, before turning to the Professor and asking if she by chance knows a Harry Potter. Looking amused, professor Mcgonagall acknowledges that she does.

’D'you know where he lives?’

That does surprise her a bit, and she tells him that yes, she knows and that though Daisy’s acceptance into the school has been confidential up until this point, Harry would likely not mind a visitor if he wanted a word.

Daisy begs to come along and he relents eventually, bringing Anita and their youngest, Poppy, along.

All four of them stand on the doorstep of a modest house that Dudley would call nice if there weren’t squat little creatures snickering and running around the front garden.

The door is opened by a slouching boy with turquoise hair who arches a purple eyebrow at them. He yells over his shoulder for someone named Ginny and steps back to let them in, and, when he notices Daisy staring at his hair, he smirks and a second later it’s bubblegum pink.

Daisy squeals in delight and Dudley is still trying to get his head around that when young girl and boy around Daisy’s age with bright red hair and thick brown curls respectively, hurtle down the corridor.

‘Teddy you promised you’d practice the sloth grip roll with us!’ The girl yells in an accusatory tone.

A woman with hair the same shade of flaming red as the little girl appears with what Dudley recognises as a wand in her hand as the boy with blue hair flashes a grin at them before chasing the two younger children outside to a shout of ‘No higher than the treetops Teddy!’

Harry is much like Dudley remembers him, lanky with a pointed face, straight nose and mess of untameable black hair. It’s awkward, but, apparently forewarned, Harry greets him pleasantly and introduces his wife before Ginny goes outside to reign in a gaggle of children he assumes aren’t all Harry’s.

A woman with thick, bushy hair pulled into a messy bun with a wand stuck in it smiles and makes an effort to talk to Anita. She’s not too strange, he thinks, and reassures them that her parents were just as baffled when they found out she was a witch.

‘Why don’t you take Daisy outside to see the broomsticks, Al?’ Harry suggests to Daisy’s obvious delight and Dudley swears Harry’s trying not to laugh.

By the end of the visit Dudley is more informed about the wizarding world than he ever thought he would or wanted to be. Daisy, with a bruise on her forehead and scraped knees, because despite both his and Harry’s warning she hadn’t been able to resist trying to fly, is bouncing off the walls because ‘daddy how could you not tell us?!’

They visit Harry’s a lot over summer and Daisy befriends Lily Luna Potter and Hugo Weasley. Dudley doesn’t feel up to the trip to Diagon Alley but regrets his decision to not go when Daisy comes back with two owls, ‘uncle Harry bought the second one for me! So you can write without having to wait for me to send my owl!’

Petunia Dursley faints when she finds out, and Vernon spends a good half hour cursing and brandishing things aimlessly before retreating to his shed.

Dudley being introduced to what he calls ‘all those bloody gingers’ some of whom are only just on the right side of civil to him (one cheerfully introduces himself as someone who once visited his childhood home in a flying car and asks if he’s going to need to do the same for Daisy or will she be allowed to attend without punishment).

Daisy is shocked to find out Harry’s famous, and finds out as much as she can about him during her first term, which she relays to an increasingly guilty feeling Dudley, who’s gradually coming around to the idea.

It’s not as bad as his parents made out it was. He’s learned to understand Daisy’s ramblings about her subjects and spells and is proud of her achievements at school. He’s met a handful of witches and wizards through Harry and the world that he’s always been told is terrible doesn’t seem too bad anymore, after all, how could it with his little girl in it? He is prepared come excitable little Poppy’s eleventh birthday, for her to join her sister at Hogwarts instead of standing jealously on the platform as she leaves.

Poppy Dursley never gets a letter.

indeterminate-void

I TRUSTED YOU

ainedubh

No, but imagine. Three generations later, this family FINALLY gets the one wizard kid/one Muggle kid thing right. Poppy is never made to feel less, even though she’s disappointed. Daisy is never made to feel like a freak. Poppy is accepted by Harry’s kids, they play with her and she doesn’t need magic to play wizard chess or toss gnomes and Teddy takes her flying sometimes (she becomes a hell of a Quidditch referee and strategist with Ginny’s help, though she never plays).

Anita and Dudley talk to Poppy about what she’d like to do for school and she goes to a prestigious Muggle school, and as it turns out she becomes really, really good at tech and coding. She takes lots of time off to visit Daisy at Hogwarts where she becomes a favorite of McGonagall (so many clever questions). Eventually she meets Luna and spends most of a summer with her, following Crumple-Horned Snorkacks with the help of some trackers Poppy built to work around magic. Everyone is terribly impressed, and although Poppy tries to be blasé about it, she’s actually really proud.

And soon enough Daisy is graduating and working at the Ministry in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office with Arthur Weasley, who has been working on loosening some of the legislation, and when Poppy graduates she has a marvelous idea. She and Daisy open a shop in Diagon Ally for all these Muggle technologies that Poppy has fixed to work around and with magic. Dursley’s Muggle Magic, they call it.

And suddenly wizards are running around with iPhones and Kindles (Hermione made a digital copy of Hogwarts, a History RIGHT AWAY) and everyone is catching up on decades of video games and a century of movies. Scorpius Malfoy has an Apple Watch. And it’s all thanks the Poppy Dursley, the Muggle.

stut--ter

I-

mollyostertag-deactivated202310

I’ve been working at home on long projects for about a year now. It can get lonely and hard sometimes, and I’ve had trouble balancing productivity with health. This has been a schedule that’s worked really well for me! The important realization I had was to set goals around hours worked in a day, not the amount of work that gets done. Sometimes I’ll produce more than other days, but knowing that I put in at least 8 hours lets me go to sleep without worrying.

Other important things: taking time to eat meals away from my desk. Setting periods of time when it’s okay to check social media. Going to the gym in the morning. The willpower I need to get out of bed and work out carries through to my work later!

Anyway, I thought this could be helpful to other people working at home and, uh, I guess I was procrastinating from drawing this comic…

Insides

These dark secrets Forever in the shadows Fear of judgement Fear of status quo Why these secrets Forever locked away for no one to ee or understand

sigh

i swear some people just take WAY too much effort to talk to that it just hurts to talk to them that i swear i just want to like just not talk to them

but then i’ll be mean?

blargh

life part shrugs

well it has gotten better Past Sam

Present Sam is in good relations

but let’s just drop a thought

so much to say to you but dont want to say anything in case it changes anything

but if you are worth the risk then i should say it, shouldn’t it? well i guess you are not worth the risk

things will be changed

status quo changes are the worst

inner rumbles

I finally understand why people move out and live by themselves.

Finally. I never understood nor have I tried but I now know.

Parent acknowledgement? How can it work when we say the sky is a different shade of blue

There are times when some things are said which drastically changes the status quo.

I suggest you think carefully what things you bring up when you change the status quo. Hanging things over people is just not nice and there is no going back. Even if it was a ‘in the moment’ thing or even if it represent a sliver of how you feel, the person will see you differently and that sliver will be a whole lot bigger.

Anyway, it has changed. Is this what I mean to you? I guess nothing I have done amount to anything. God wasn’t even mention. This surely is the humane side of us fighting and there is no God involve at all. If there is, then I don’t think we are in line in our belief in this faith.

I am going to do what is going to make me happy from now. Not that I have been actively doing things that make you happy but I do it cause I do. No more of this wishful thinking of getting a ‘good job’ from you. I don’t care if you ‘praise’ me in front of other people; it doesn't mean anything to me. It is how it is. I see things differently and you see it differently. How can it work when definitions are not even the same?

Anyway, I really hope this is the last time I have such strong negative feelings and emotions about my own existence due to the words you said to me. I give you too much credit.

We are not friends. Friends talk about things each other like. They share hobbies and try to understand even if said hobby is foreign. Not caring and not having any input in my life is not being ‘a friend’.

I wish I didn’t have to write all this. I wish there was a thing where it just downloads my thoughts and that’s that.

Anyway. Future Me, I hope it got slightly better the next time you come back here.

May the best at poker face win this in two faced game.

you still here?

What is my future? This stage in my life is getting more and more unbearable.

In the sense that I am doing everything I like

Driving is chill and i get paid for it

Putting stuff away and working at a bookstore is all fine and dandy (the job itself / not so much about the management )

Doing my movie reviews and writing (if only i got paid enough to like do nothing else)

i’m 25, this was the year I was looking forward to in my early 20s and now I’m just hoping to God that my 30s will look a lot better

I need help. I don’t know what to do. Holy, my 30s. I’m talking about them already. This life is sure fast and just meh. Humanity being aged out by like late 70s i’m almost half way there? Lol that is just depressing to think about.

But then again, I’m happy with the stuff i’m involved in. It just the whole notion of making enough money and nothhaving to rely on parents is a tad bit out of reach. I lie. It’s really far out of reach. I need to pay off my student loans, i hope taht will make me feel better.

I’m writing here and i dont know what to do. I need to get my life together. What is up with me. Questions questions questions questions. I just want answers. I dont want the process. I want the end result.

I see people getting engaged, married, successful careers, doing waht they want to do and here I am just sulking and complaining. What am I doing with my life? Seriously ....

I really hope when my 30s i’ll look back and laugh at myself during this time.

i need more do and less think but all it seems is that there’s just a lot of think.

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