i fucking hate instagram
this is my first ever tumblr post with my name on it.* i've used tumblr for over four years now under a random name to just browse and experience but i want to write and say things now. i want to create a website where i can post too but for now i will use my new tumblr blog. welcome.
i'm a college student and i just returned home for the summer. i've been living in this space of self-improvement and "fixing" myself for so long that i can't seem to breathe anymore. my entire feed is just "how to eat better" "how to work better" "how to be better" and i feel like i might scream. i've spent the last two days off of instagram and tiktok (deleted the apps off my phone and everything, which is a very huge deal for me thank you very much, two days sober) but just opened it again when i could search up the instagram dot com on my computer. i immediately felt like death and the bubonic plague were sitting on my front door, with hands ripping out my chest. very dramatic.
i don't think that being on social media is good for me. i'm a performer and my whole life is very much about my body and face being on display for an audience to see. i think putting it on display on social media will make it a lot worse for me overall. people don't like my post, but will comment on another one. i thought we were friends. it's interesting. it's very teenage of me. but i finally feel less juvenile and angry and little baby dumb when i can actually pull myself away from the scroll of it all.
before i deleted instagram and tiktok, i went through and unfollowed all the fitness and nutrition influencers i followed previously. i'm super into fitness and nutrition (looking to possibly minor in kinesiology but that's a whole other topic), and originally followed these creators for inspiration. that inspiration slowly bled into me wanting to fix whatever was "wrong" with me that they said was wrong with me. i would look at my first-year, teenage, university-going self and say "why do i not have everything together?". writing about this now it honestly feels so dumb. i was looking at these perfect people and just dreaming about "when i get my shit together" and taking it to heart, not just viewing their content.
i don't have to be anybdy right now. i've started taking photos of the things that give me joy on my physical camera, or my phone if i don't have my camera beside me. i just have to exist and be who i am and have a few goals and smile at my grandparents and listen to good music and exist. social media doesn't get to tell me that i am allowed to exist.
i fucking hate instagram.
*edit: name is now off because i want to say even more things.












