Thoughts about the first boy who broke my heart

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Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her

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Thoughts about the first boy who broke my heart
It was “What’s wrong?” answered with “I love you.” or “Don’t worry.” or “I’m sorry.” While one of us sat up shaking in bed and the other one swallowed pills like they were candy. It was “I want to die,” met with “I know.“ or “Let’s not do this again tonight.” or “I’ll go with you.” When we both knew we were already halfway there. It was me reading your text seventeen minutes ago but not responding because I accidentally got blood all over my phone screen again. It was me not sleeping for a week because I was afraid of waking up to your lifeless, cold body clutching a note that said you were sorry. It was you breaking down once I finally drifted off because you couldn’t let me know things had gotten worse. It was you counting your scars while I counted the number of meals I could keep down and both of us crying into the phone every night. It was waking up the next morning repeating apologies that we answered with “I promise it’s okay.” or “I don’t know what happened.” or “ I won’t do that ever again.”
but we liked to call it love (via terrifieds)
Are You Dissociating?
Dissociating is one of the most common responses to abuse and trauma. It involves feeling numb, detached or unreal and (while it happens to everyone once in a while) is experienced more frequently and severely in survivors. Dissociating people vary widely in symptoms and may experience any or all of the things from the following list.
You may be dissociating if you:
find yourself staring at one spot, not thinking anything
feel completely numb
feel like you’re not really in your body, like you’re watching yourself in a movie.
feel suddenly lightheaded or dizzy
lose the plot of the show or conversation you were focused on
feel as if you’re not quite real, like you’re in a dream
feel like you’re floating
suddenly feel like you’re not a part of the world around you
feel detached and far away from other people, who may seem mechanical or unreal to you
are very startled when someone/something gets your attention
completely forget what you were thinking just a moment ago
suddenly cover your face or react as if you’re about to be hurt for no reason
can’t remember important information about yourself, like your age or where you live
find yourself rocking back and forth
become very focused on a small or trivial object or event
find that voices, sounds or writing seem far away and you sometimes have trouble understanding them.
feel as if you’ve just experienced a flashback (perhaps rapidly) but you can’t remember anything about it.
perceive your body as foreign or not belonging to you
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