Eat, Pray, Shove It - A Response to “Meternity” Leave
Recently, author Meghann Foye gave an NY Post interview suggesting that childless women should be afforded something called a “ME-ternity Leave.” During this time, non-moms would be granted a leave of absence to engage in self-reflection, examine their work-life balance, and give interviews that irritate large groups of people on the Internet. “Meternity” leaves are necessary, Foye argues, because it’s not fair that women who have just squeezed human beings out of their doodie-doos (or gone through the gut-wrenching process of adoption), get to have all the fun.
Having just embarked on one of these luxurious mom-cations myself, I thought it would be helpful to share a typical maternity leave day so everyone can see just what kind of relaxation, professional growth, and quiet self-reflection they’re missing out on.
3:00 a.m. Morning meeting with former uterine CEO and primary mammary shareholder. Enjoy a glass of room temperature water that’s been sitting out for days as mammary shareholder exfoliates your chest, face, and breasts with her finger nails.
3:45 a.m. Relax and recharge with a 20 minute power-nap on top of the pile of clean laundry that has accumulated on your bed. At least, you think it is clean. Is it clean? Something smells like poop, but that could be anything. You know what, it’s fine.
3:52 a.m. Power nap canceled! Meet the day with some light resistance training as you try to physically restrain your 3 year-old from getting out of bed.
5:30 a.m. Nipple dermabrasion
6:00 a.m. Luxuriate your pores, hair, and clothes in a decadent, warm milk bath. (Provided by mammary shareholder)
6:30 a.m. “Healthy Start” breakfast with your toddler/diet guru! For your toddler, 3 different bowls of cereal, and for you, half of a banana you catch as it is being hurled at the cat.
8:00 a.m. Nipple cardio
9:00 a.m. Indulge in 3 hours of exciting children’s entertainment while lying on the couch and slipping in and out of consciousness.
12:00 p.m. Discover the power of getting organized by taking every single item out of your pantry for lunch as your toddler/diet guru refuses to eat each one of them.
12:30 p.m. Nipple relocation
2:00 p.m. Notice the benefits of your cleansing banana-fast. You can now communicate with household objects. Your blender speaks Spanish. His name is Esteban.
3:30 p.m. Take time out for your health by treating your episiotomy or c-section stitches while your toddler wedges his body under the bathroom door and screams about Paw Patrol.
4:00 p.m. Nipple rhythmic gynmastics
6:00 p.m. Your partner arrives home and wonders why you are lying on the floor. You aren’t sure. You think maybe Esteban made you a margarita.
6:00 p.m. Nipple-capades
7:00 p.m. Spa time! Spoil your hemorrhoids with a warm, soothing Sitz bath. Also good for the area where your vagina used to be.
8:00 p.m. Relax into a soothing bedtime routine by doing wind sprints around your house after your naked toddler while the baby screams.
8:30 p.m. Nipple yoga
9:00 p.m. Enjoy your night time cleansing ritual by slapping a damp baby wipe against your body until you are clean-ish. Wipe larger chunks of spit-up off of your nursing tank.
9:30 p.m. Time to wrap up another glorious day of maternity leave! Say “Buenos noches” to Esteban and wind down by staring blankly at your phone until you black out.
So there you have it my jealous, childless friends! The secret and sinfully decadent life of a maternity leave parent. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for Nipple Zumba.
