Moriens Mens Regia

Parts of what some of the only few things I untangle of my head and try to shape with words to stay sane and maybe halthy..

[overthinkerderick]

If sleeping was like dying, I hope I never rest, I don't want God away from me.

[overthinkerderick]

Tomorrow it's going to be a heavy day

Tomorrow it's going to be a good day, at the beginning, I'll get up at maybe seven am, get dressed, standard outfit for a special morning, I'll give my girlfriend the first Christmas gift from me, for her, I don't know how it will turn out, but I'll see it in her eyes, I hope she likes it.

After that, I'll come back home and bake a cake for the night, I completely failed it earlier today, but my parents said I should try again, and I will, I felt like a complete failure and disappointment to myself for the ingredients, time, and energy I put to that just to ruin it, but I'm setting myself for restart tomorrow, because, why not ?? Two failures before Christmas are just fine. I really hope I get it right this time.

But the bomber it's falling at the evening, for the reunion, the deadly stressful, upsetting, hypocritical reunión, that I'll be a thousand times happier to not attend to, not because of my family, they are all fiend, but because of my uncomfortable ass within my family, the pressure, the doubt, the time, the leisure, the cunning spirit, it's all falling apart just to never break fully.

I feel the scrumptious odd or of outloudness and shouts of desperate approval within the passive-aggressive comments up and down like a band stressing throuh0gh stretching and contracting every member's ego, including my own, but I'll never break, because I know what it'll look and sound like.

Family, what a season.

[overthinkerderick]

The worst part about de opresión is having ideas

Being a creative person is greatly useful when you try to shift something into a peace of art, whatever it is

But de opresión makes it so hard to even do anything, when you own body tries to lay down and feel defeated, painful, overworked and overthought after ten minutes of work, it's meaningless to even try to do anything.

But depression makes shifting nonsensical stuff into beautiful creations into an idea that, it's also meaningless, no matter how much you try to like it, it's just a combination of nothingness that turns into more nothingness.

That's the worst part of everything, when nothing you are supposed to enjoy doing starts to be meaningless, everything else also does and.. there's nothing, anything, anywhere, anytime, nothing.

[overthinkerderick]

Intelligence

Over all the years of my life I have doubted one concept more than any other.

Intelligence.

Am I intelligent ?? Or smart ?? What does intelligence mean ?? What does being intelligent mean ?? What's the worth of intelligence ?? Is intelligence helpful ?? Is intelligence reliable ?? Is intelligence useful ?? What does intelligence work for ?? Why is intelligence a value and not a need ?? Why are people so interested in intelligence and why do they desire it anyway??

Inteligente is a plain term used to describe a person that's interested and educated in a theme that a certain amount of people consider relevant and worth propagating, another concept that's relative to another and depends on perspective, purely on perspective. If a person that has a mathematics degree sees a kid in middle school that's capable of resolving a certain preparatory school level question, they will most likely say that kid is Inteligente, because he is doing something higher than what he's said he is, but if that same kid decides to satan in front of his class and push himself for no reason someday and says he was doing it for fun, they'll call him stupid.

Intelligence it's a sad concept, because it teaches societies to compare individuals with each other and themselves, because it doesn't depend on true capability of great understanding of certain concepts, it depends on what other individuals in the same society decide to clarify each other on, based on their perspective of others.

There's no real use to the term intelligence but to be recognized, it's worthless, to an individual with enough knowledge of itself, intelligence it's worthless, and that doesn't make them Intelligent, just aware of one of the millions of terms in our language that are made for kids.

[overthinkerderick]

What do you see with your eyes closed ??

I had a thought about what could I see with my eyes closed ?? its a pretty weird question but it leads to a thought that intrigues me.

Normall when you hear that question yo dont think of anything because clossing your eyes meansyou have no perception of light, the very only thing that lets us experiment the world through vision and it woudnt really make sense to SEE with your eyes clossed.

but its posible and its very helpful for me.

Think of it this way, your eye its a light receptor, we can see the colors of different objects because they specifically absorb the light rays that can hit them. These objects do not shine with their own light, but absorb specific electromagnetic wavelengths of the visible light range, reflecting the rest.

Now, our body is an object, an esnetial object, because we depende on the maintenance of it to stay in an apropiate life, but it is still and object, you can see light reflecting off of it becauseit is, and when the parts of our body can let light pass through it, we see it change color, depending on the kind of light that is being poured over it.

So, clarifying that, think about your own eyelids.

The eyelid is a protection and humectation agent for the eye, but it isnt lightproof. When you have your eyes closed and you have your head pinted in the direction of a light source, you can see part of the light that goes through your eyelids and right into your eyes, letting your brain see, light in this case, with your eyes clossed.

This has led me to the light thorugh clossed eyes, and the patterns and diferent posibilities that go from light and darkness, to shape construction and deconstruction, with just simply sit and evaluat…

What can you see with your eyes clossed ??

[overthinkerderick]

self emotional suppression

i had a thought about self emotional suppression

Self emotional supresion is the highest nonfisical way of autodestruction i´ve experienced myself, it started as a punishment by my parets when i was a kid or… a baby, im not wuite usre yet, but as an individual with little to no selfacknowledgment or a critical and moral compromise with myself y judged my own person in response to the punishments of my parents.

"You can´t solve your problems crying" they said, and that line has been sitting in my memory, acumulating comprehention for my parents because they actually had no specific education on the consecuences of a certain way circumnstances ocurred but the fact that that line made me do myself what it did is true and logical.

I agreed, i respected my paretn´s desires before mine becausa that´s what you are supussed to do, obey your parents, and in consecuence of that act i started opressing a really important emotion, sadness.

To this day i thing before living, im eighteen years old now and my brain tells me every action i take, reasoning it to the lowest, most insignificant level, and my emotions dont even seem to exist anymore, why ?? because ive spent most of my life being told that my emotional and sentimental reactions are wrong for others and will be wrong for others to see, to perceve, and proces, its discusting, but in my mind is right.

[overthinkerderick]

I had a thought about daydreaming, not the song, but the concept, daydreaming is a beautiful, very dangerous thing, there´s a gracious and magical aspect to daydream on the liimits of a "normal" moral person, that thing you saw in a store and really wanted to get, or the wish to see that one person again.

But, what about daydreaming inside a more, paracausal way, oposite to the fisics concept of causality, the relation between the natural "cause" and the "efect" state of reality that we (suposingly) live in ?? The paracausal daydreaming reaches a divagation of constructive and destroctive properties that interacts with the world in a more extreme way than causal daydreaming that I like to call, the "idea filter".

This idea filter is a breach of reality itself, not phisically, obiusly, but inside the mind, daydreaming paracausally is one of my most apreciated practices because being bored can no longer be, because inside the mind, the reality seems… odd.

Why is a straight line finite ?? Why doesn´t it generate energy, heat ?? What would happen if it did ?? what would happen if the line inmediatelly turned infinite in length and was purely made out of energy ?? what if a whole sphere inmediately swelled to an infinite size and was purely made out of energy ?? Would everything cease to existe ??

What if instead suddenly every tree in the world, every plant, every mature living organism that produces oxigen turned into a poisonous source of deadly toxines ?? What if the materials of the houses we live in sudenly strated melting over our heads ?? What if your partner, the person you love the most in suddenly desapeared ?? What if your own body started boiling all the liquids that are inside it ??

I dont personally use paracausal daydreaming as a benefit, but it could be done, the whole point to to it, is.. stay sane, know the diference between imagination, the sacred, strongly uncontrolable imagination, that tries to destroy me every single day of my life.

[overthinkerderick]

The days off the hospital

I´m free but my body tortures me.

I have recently gotten out of a hospitalization and my body begs for activity whilst tortures me with pain for too much activity, the obnoxioness of the ingenuity and the weaknesses through the ambiguity of the time oassing are the worts parts of the recovery and mostly, iIm baked to ashes.