We are the Grapes of Goth so Stay Out of Our Poth

I’m very proud of my adopted adult Goff son

[pa-goffik-grape]

Who's your favorite kid?

“What? Uno, I guess? And then I guess Taylor Grape? i mean, I only just met her, but wow! What a star! Yep. My only two kids.”

[pa-goffik-grape]

"Character development update: Archibald is now a furry."

Pa stared at Petunia with what would have been wide eyes, had he had visible eyes. "Ya don't say? Like... the kind who's into wearin' fursuits and stuff? Or does he got a mold problem? Because that's an easy fix, I know a doctor -"

[sweet-sweet-petunia]

"I think closer to the first one. He's been seen in...bunny ears. And fuzzy slippers. And a fluffy tail belt."

[pa-goffik-grape]

"Now wait, wait, wait. He told me Bob made him wear that for a Silly Song segment. Was that just a cover-up? Or... maybe Bob's the furry!"

[sweet-sweet-petunia]

Petunia gasped "Bob?!? Oh, Megan will not enjoy that. I think you should tell her."

[pa-goffik-grape]

Pa gave a sudden, boisterous laugh. “Ha! You think I have a death wish? I’ve known Megan long enough to know she’ll shoot every messenger on the way to the sender. She can find that one out on her own. Besides, Bob signs my paychecks. I can’t risk losin’ that.”

[sweet-sweet-petunia]

"All very true." She nods "And to be fair, if Bob is a furry, what's it matter in the long run?"

[pa-goffik-grape]

“I guess it just weirds folks out. It’s not somethin’ normal, like marrying your car-wife.” Pa said, and added, “Ya think he’s happy?”

[pa-goffik-grape]

"Character development update: Archibald is now a furry."

Pa stared at Petunia with what would have been wide eyes, had he had visible eyes. "Ya don't say? Like... the kind who's into wearin' fursuits and stuff? Or does he got a mold problem? Because that's an easy fix, I know a doctor -"

[sweet-sweet-petunia]

"I think closer to the first one. He's been seen in...bunny ears. And fuzzy slippers. And a fluffy tail belt."

[pa-goffik-grape]

"Now wait, wait, wait. He told me Bob made him wear that for a Silly Song segment. Was that just a cover-up? Or... maybe Bob's the furry!"

[sweet-sweet-petunia]

Petunia gasped "Bob?!? Oh, Megan will not enjoy that. I think you should tell her."

[pa-goffik-grape]

Pa gave a sudden, boisterous laugh. “Ha! You think I have a death wish? I’ve known Megan long enough to know she’ll shoot every messenger on the way to the sender. She can find that one out on her own. Besides, Bob signs my paychecks. I can’t risk losin’ that.”

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"Real fucked up of them to tell Junior he was too little to fight" (From Pa Grape)

"Well, that was your character. I'm his real dad.'

[pa-goffik-grape]

"So you'd let him fight? you'd put that... what is he, six? You'd put that six-year-old at the front line of a war? As his other pa, I am deeply disgusted to hear this. Maybe we just aren't compatible to co-parent."

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"N-no, Pa..." Dad tried, exasperated. "That wasn't me. That was a script. Where YOU played the father of my REAL LIFE son."

[pa-goffik-grape]

"No, no, I distinctly remember that day. and I said, 'You take my boy Tom, and I'll take your boy Junior. That mess is your problem.' and you laughed and said 'Okay'. I figured the co-parentin' was just a compromise to get him to adjust. If you... oh my god. Then who was raising Tom?"

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"Pa, I'm going to be honest. That's neither my circus nor my monkey."

[pa-goffik-grape]

“I can’t believe you would call your son a monkey, too.” Pa shook his head in disappointment. “It’s a good thing Junior has me in his life. You’d send that boy to war and you’d still call him a monkey. Shame on you.”

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"Real fucked up of them to tell Junior he was too little to fight" (From Pa Grape)

"Well, that was your character. I'm his real dad.'

[pa-goffik-grape]

"So you'd let him fight? you'd put that... what is he, six? You'd put that six-year-old at the front line of a war? As his other pa, I am deeply disgusted to hear this. Maybe we just aren't compatible to co-parent."

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"N-no, Pa..." Dad tried, exasperated. "That wasn't me. That was a script. Where YOU played the father of my REAL LIFE son."

[pa-goffik-grape]

"No, no, I distinctly remember that day. and I said, 'You take my boy Tom, and I'll take your boy Junior. That mess is your problem.' and you laughed and said 'Okay'. I figured the co-parentin' was just a compromise to get him to adjust. If you... oh my god. Then who was raising Tom?"

[pa-goffik-grape]

"Character development update: Archibald is now a furry."

Pa stared at Petunia with what would have been wide eyes, had he had visible eyes. "Ya don't say? Like... the kind who's into wearin' fursuits and stuff? Or does he got a mold problem? Because that's an easy fix, I know a doctor -"

[sweet-sweet-petunia]

"I think closer to the first one. He's been seen in...bunny ears. And fuzzy slippers. And a fluffy tail belt."

[pa-goffik-grape]

"Now wait, wait, wait. He told me Bob made him wear that for a Silly Song segment. Was that just a cover-up? Or... maybe Bob's the furry!"

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"Real fucked up of them to tell Junior he was too little to fight" (From Pa Grape)

"Well, that was your character. I'm his real dad.'

[pa-goffik-grape]

"So you'd let him fight? you'd put that... what is he, six? You'd put that six-year-old at the front line of a war? As his other pa, I am deeply disgusted to hear this. Maybe we just aren't compatible to co-parent."

[pa-goffik-grape]

"Character development update: Archibald is now a furry."

Pa stared at Petunia with what would have been wide eyes, had he had visible eyes. "Ya don't say? Like... the kind who's into wearin' fursuits and stuff? Or does he got a mold problem? Because that's an easy fix, I know a doctor -"

[pa-goffik-grape]

"it's not my fault you believed me." from cavis appythart

Seymour shook his head and sighed. "Cavis, nobody's poifect or anything, but I'd expect you not to lie to me after all these years of friendship and ethically questionable inventions and schemes."

[imbobthetomato]

"But I couldn't tell ya the truth, Seymour!" He tries. "If anyone finds out where I was that night..."

[pa-goffik-grape]

"I thought I heard it was somethin' to do with Paris and that Effie lady. Or are we not talking about that?"

[pa-goffik-grape]

"it's not my fault you believed me." from cavis appythart

Seymour shook his head and sighed. "Cavis, nobody's poifect or anything, but I'd expect you not to lie to me after all these years of friendship and ethically questionable inventions and schemes."

[pa-goffik-grape]

"Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire" (from Katrina and/or Sabrina)

"Barbed wire? Who's got barbed wire? Who said anythin' about barbed wire?!" Pa panicked, but recognizing the metaphor, he relaxed and went, "Oh, heh-heh, sorry. What kinda mistakes, Kiddo?" He asked... Katrina? They really were interchangeable to him. He probably didn't even know which one he was talking to.

[katrina-and-sabrina]

"Whatever it was that made Mirabelle the favorite child." The blonde scoffed.

[pa-goffik-grape]

"Oh, favorite kids. We all have 'em. It just happens. Ya gotta fight for your place in a sibling hierarchy. Tom and Rosie, they're both rude, and not afraid to show it. and that has prevented them from gettin' good actin' roles. But Taylor, she was in Cats (2019). So I mean, obviously she's my favorite. Was Mirabelle in Cats (2019) or the equivalent of that to your father?"

[pa-goffik-grape]

"Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire" (from Katrina and/or Sabrina)

"Barbed wire? Who's got barbed wire? Who said anythin' about barbed wire?!" Pa panicked, but recognizing the metaphor, he relaxed and went, "Oh, heh-heh, sorry. What kinda mistakes, Kiddo?" He asked... Katrina? They really were interchangeable to him. He probably didn't even know which one he was talking to.

[pa-goffik-grape]

"How long will this take to heal?" (From Mr Lint.)

"8-12 months," Pa assessed wisely. "Maybe two years. I ain't a doctor, Lint. I'm a nurse practitioner. I didn't go to med school. Tell me what it is again ya broke?"

[themrlint]

“I fear I broke my moustache.”

[pa-goffik-grape]

"Your moustache!" Pa looked pale, horror taking over his face. "I misheard ya! This is serious! This is... this is bad!" Pa turned away, opening a drawer in a file cabinet. He muttered something softly, and said, "Lint, you're one of my closest friends. I think. I'm gonna give it to ya straight. There's only one quick fix for a problem like this."

He turned around, a small gun in his invisible hands.

"It's that or wait for it to grow out, but I know how ya feel about waitin'."

[pa-goffik-grape]

"How long will this take to heal?" (From Mr Lint.)

"8-12 months," Pa assessed wisely. "Maybe two years. I ain't a doctor, Lint. I'm a nurse practitioner. I didn't go to med school. Tell me what it is again ya broke?"

[pa-goffik-grape]

"Here, let me help you with that garland; unless you want to end up tangled in it again." (from Esther)

"Heh, speaking of, I ever tell you of the time I got tangled in another kind of Garland? A Judy Garland! That was a crazy time. We were waiting at the stop for the same bus, and she tripped right over me. I said, 'aren't you that girl who played Dorothy in Wizard of Oz?'. Anyway, it turns out she wasn't. In fact, it was 1983, and it turns out Judy Garland died in '69."

[thegirlwhobecamequeen]

"Oh." Esther hoped her furrowed brow didn't give away her unconvincing pity laugh. "Maybe it was Liza Minelli?"

[pa-goffik-grape]

"Whosat?" Pa asked bluntly, in a way that makes you wonder if it was just some dry humor, or if he really didn't know Liza Minelli.

[pa-goffik-grape]

"Here, let me help you with that garland; unless you want to end up tangled in it again." (from Esther)

"Heh, speaking of, I ever tell you of the time I got tangled in another kind of Garland? A Judy Garland! That was a crazy time. We were waiting at the stop for the same bus, and she tripped right over me. I said, 'aren't you that girl who played Dorothy in Wizard of Oz?'. Anyway, it turns out she wasn't. In fact, it was 1983, and it turns out Judy Garland died in '69."

[pa-goffik-grape]

Seymour, did Milward know your wife was the car when you let him drive?

"Does he know now? I tried to explain it to him, but he seemed a little confused. Jane, my car-wife, seems okay with it. So I guess it's fine."