Ooh, Grapes!

Well hey there! I'm Dad Asparagus. My son Junior helped me set this up. I guess if you have any questions, you can just ask them in that nifty little ask box!

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

How do you feel about Mom and Art hanging out all the time?

"I love it!" Dad grins excitedly. Naively. "My wife and my former idol turned best friend get along so well! It's one of the greatest things a guy could ask for!"

[junior-asparagus]

❛ you don't need to be perfect, you just need to be yourself. that's more than enough for me. ❜ from your papa

"Well, sure, but being perfect sure would be fun."

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"Like Laura and her checklists?"

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

❛ real life doesn't always have happy endings. however ... with you here, my story won't end in tragedy. ❜ from mom

"And because we saved you from whatever that Asparagus Kidnapping Ring was up to."

[junior-asparagus]

"Dad Asparagus looks like an orphan in a production of Oliver! but damn it he looks good in that hat." from your Dad

"Yeah! Ya look sharp, dad!"

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Why thanks son!" He beams with pride. "You're my go-to when it comes to hats."

[junior-asparagus]

"is it because of this stupid one on my head?"

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

Dad's bottom lip quivered "You think it's stupid?"

[junior-asparagus]

Realising his dire mistake, Junior shook his head. "Stupid cool!"

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

At this, Dad got visibly excited "Heck yes my literal son!"

[junior-asparagus]

"You really like this hat, huh?"

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"Of course! Do you have any idea how many times I had to enter to Pokemon League draw to win this hat?"

[junior-asparagus]

"Dad Asparagus looks like an orphan in a production of Oliver! but damn it he looks good in that hat." from your Dad

"Yeah! Ya look sharp, dad!"

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Why thanks son!" He beams with pride. "You're my go-to when it comes to hats."

[junior-asparagus]

"is it because of this stupid one on my head?"

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

Dad's bottom lip quivered "You think it's stupid?"

[junior-asparagus]

Realising his dire mistake, Junior shook his head. "Stupid cool!"

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

At this, Dad got visibly excited "Heck yes my literal son!"

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

'i'll be exclusively drinking alcohol to counteract the effects of any poison.' from pincher

"How do you know you've been poisoned?"

[thecharliepincher]

Charlie shrugged his invisible onion/scallion/leek (?) shoulders. "Ain't the first time it's happened."

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

Dad nodded sagely "Ah, a professional. Well, let me ask you this. What are the signs?"

[thecharliepincher]

"Eh, mostly delusions of grandeur."

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"Like Elphaba before she defied gravity?"

[junior-asparagus]

"Dad Asparagus looks like an orphan in a production of Oliver! but damn it he looks good in that hat." from your Dad

"Yeah! Ya look sharp, dad!"

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Why thanks son!" He beams with pride. "You're my go-to when it comes to hats."

[junior-asparagus]

"is it because of this stupid one on my head?"

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

Dad's bottom lip quivered "You think it's stupid?"

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

'i'll be exclusively drinking alcohol to counteract the effects of any poison.' from pincher

"How do you know you've been poisoned?"

[thecharliepincher]

Charlie shrugged his invisible onion/scallion/leek (?) shoulders. "Ain't the first time it's happened."

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

Dad nodded sagely "Ah, a professional. Well, let me ask you this. What are the signs?"

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"Real fucked up of them to tell Junior he was too little to fight" (From Pa Grape)

"Well, that was your character. I'm his real dad.'

[pa-goffik-grape]

"So you'd let him fight? you'd put that... what is he, six? You'd put that six-year-old at the front line of a war? As his other pa, I am deeply disgusted to hear this. Maybe we just aren't compatible to co-parent."

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"N-no, Pa..." Dad tried, exasperated. "That wasn't me. That was a script. Where YOU played the father of my REAL LIFE son."

[pa-goffik-grape]

"No, no, I distinctly remember that day. and I said, 'You take my boy Tom, and I'll take your boy Junior. That mess is your problem.' and you laughed and said 'Okay'. I figured the co-parentin' was just a compromise to get him to adjust. If you... oh my god. Then who was raising Tom?"

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"Pa, I'm going to be honest. That's neither my circus nor my monkey."

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"Real fucked up of them to tell Junior he was too little to fight" (From Pa Grape)

"Well, that was your character. I'm his real dad.'

[pa-goffik-grape]

"So you'd let him fight? you'd put that... what is he, six? You'd put that six-year-old at the front line of a war? As his other pa, I am deeply disgusted to hear this. Maybe we just aren't compatible to co-parent."

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"N-no, Pa..." Dad tried, exasperated. "That wasn't me. That was a script. Where YOU played the father of my REAL LIFE son."

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"Real fucked up of them to tell Junior he was too little to fight" (From Pa Grape)

"Well, that was your character. I'm his real dad.'

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

'i'll be exclusively drinking alcohol to counteract the effects of any poison.' from pincher

"How do you know you've been poisoned?"

[themrlint]

"have you been doing well since i saw you?" from dad asparagus

“I most certainly am doing!” He flashed a non convincing grin.

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"Well that's great!" Dad smiles obliviously. "You oughta come down to the alley sometime, bowling is where it's at these days."

[themrlint]

“That’s the best news my non existent ears have ever heard! The league still going strong?”

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"Oh yeah! Me, Bob, Audrey, and you'll never believe who we got as our fourth!"

[junior-asparagus]

"do you remember what i told you last time?" (to edmund from his father the reverend)

“I don’t remember much, I’m afraid.” Edmund (thank u for telling me his name I forgor) coughed. “I’m just a sick little boy and I don’t have much time left. Hard for me to remember much of anything these days.”

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"The doctor's say sitting up helps." He tried to fluff the pillow behind his son's back with his invisible hands. "But I am wondering how much of this memory loss is selective."

[junior-asparagus]

“What’s that? I can’t hear you. My invisible ears are losing their power due to my deadly incurable disease since these are the olden days.”

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"...should we sue NezzerCare?"

[themrlint]

"have you been doing well since i saw you?" from dad asparagus

“I most certainly am doing!” He flashed a non convincing grin.

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"Well that's great!" Dad smiles obliviously. "You oughta come down to the alley sometime, bowling is where it's at these days."

[vicki-cucumber]

"when was the last time i saw you?" from rev. gilbert aka dad asparagus

Victoria looked at the Reverend with a long, cold, you-know-what-you-did look. "I'd say five years, eight days, two hours, eleven minutes, and 9 and counting seconds. Give or take a few hours. Have you finally come to apologize?"

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"Me?" He raises a veggie eyebrow. "Miss Victoria, all I remember is that you stopped coming to the church. If there was anything I did to cause that..."

[junior-asparagus]

"do you remember what i told you last time?" (to edmund from his father the reverend)

“I don’t remember much, I’m afraid.” Edmund (thank u for telling me his name I forgor) coughed. “I’m just a sick little boy and I don’t have much time left. Hard for me to remember much of anything these days.”

[theoneandonlydadasparagus]

"The doctor's say sitting up helps." He tried to fluff the pillow behind his son's back with his invisible hands. "But I am wondering how much of this memory loss is selective."