The thing is, Shane never knew a version of Ilya without depression. Ilya wasn’t able yet to see that in himself, but Shane did even if he couldn’t name it. He constantly checked in, are you okay, how’s your father, how are you. He could tell Ilya needed to be checked in on. But then Ilya spends The Long Game reckoning with his own acceptance of his depression, worried that Shane couldn’t possibly love him once he knows. And that’s the thing with our brains, they love to hide things from us. Because Shane never loved an Ilya who didn’t have depression. But Ilya thought he’d carefully tucked this secret deep inside, hiding so even he couldn’t fully see it. But Shane has always seen Ilya, always seen past the bluster and bravado. Ilya thought he could hide it from himself and from others, but he couldn’t hide it anymore once he found a safe place to land with Shane. Shane gave him the soft, albeit imperfect, perch from which to see himself and what he needed more clearly. His relationship with Shane reflected back to him that his ways of coping were no longer enough, and he needed real help. And sure, Shane didn’t quite know what to do or what was going on, but he only left or backed off or gave space when Ilya requested it. And when it came time for Ilya to admit things, I’m sad sometimes, sometimes I’m not sure how to keep going, my own mind scares me, Shane does not falter. He says I’m never leaving, I’ll be right by your side, we will figure this out together. Shane has always loved Ilya, all of him.
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