Ginger on Fire

Nerd. Coffee. Traveler at Heart. Book Lover. Photography. Music. Art.  And yes, I am a Ginger.

[pacman-in-cargopants]

Blah - Just Another Brain Dump

Things have been weird. I can tell things have changed between my friend and I. I'm pretty sure we are not friends anymore.

We got in a fight about how she made me feel ditching me in the middle of the night for her BF. She didn't want to accept my feelings or even apologize. So now I'm all alone again. I've been trying really hard to make more friends. But I just haven't made any connections yet.

I guess if I'm really honest I wouldn't even care that I lost this friend if I had more friends. I just don't want to be all alone again. Dating has been a bust as well. Part of me is content alone. There's no disappointment or let downs from other people. People can be exhausting for someone that is introverted.

I've also decided to start looking in to jobs and cities outside of my current one. Maybe I really do just need a fresh start. A place where there isn't a bunch of painful memories. I've been here almost a decade and I still don't feel like I fit here. Is moving my only option? Does staying here just my wishful thinking?

Just a lot of things to think about right now.

[pacman-in-cargopants]

Holiday's

They Suck.

Spending another year alone and uninvited is overwhelming.

Holidays are for family and couples. I have neither. I'm trying to stay positive and grateful but its hard. How is it so easy for everyone else to find someone?

I haven't had any luck moving on from E. Its been almost a year and I'm still not able to find someones else. OR even the will to really go out and date. I've tried and Ive ended up more frustrated than hopeful.

I thought I made a new friend this summer only to be 100% cut out over everything because of her BF. I keep getting left out while she goes on couples dates. It's fine but there's just isn't any room for me now.

I'm nervous about leaving my home for two weeks. I need to see my family but I'm sos used to always being here. It's almost scary.

[pacman-in-cargopants]

I have been out enjoying my summer.

I've made a new friend and we hang out a couple times a week.

I've been spending time at the pool, gym, going out to events, and trying new places and things.

I found a new spot to kind call my own. Helps that the bartender is so hot. I'd date him. I'd date him sooo hard. lol

I've been feeling better and trying to keep things going.

[pacman-in-cargopants]

Brain Dump

I have a big exam this coming Friday. I'm nervous about it. I've been studying but I feel like I know less now than when I started. 😖

The last time I took the exam I was so confident I would pass and yet I didn't. So I've been studying with extra digital material and I keep feeling less and less ready for this exam.

I will have a job no matter if I pass or not. But I really don't want to be the employee that couldn't pass the test.

I have an odd Saturday. I went out by myself to a bar. It wasn't bad. I know this is normal for a lot of people but it's defiantly not for me. I met up with friends later at a different dive bar and it was a super cool place. I defiantly want to go back.

I wish I was dating or seeing someone. I'm tired of being alone. But at the same time, I'm worried I have been alone for too long. What if I suck at it now lol. I'm so used to having all the space I want, even maybe too much space. What if I just hate being with someone?

This doesn't seem to keep me from looking for love but it is something I worry about a lot.

Anyways. That's all my randomness for the weekend. Have a great week.

K

[pacman-in-cargopants]

Creeps

I don't understand why I only attract creeps.

I have a neighbor whose mother has tried to convince me to start seeing her son.

He's 37. Living with his mother to "save money", doesn't have friends or hobbies, never goes out, never has anyone over. And after his mother started meddling, he just sits outside on his patio before and after work waiting for me. He never gets up. Always sitting there in nothing but a snuggy and shorts. He does nothing besides sitting there on his phone and smoking.

He expects me to come over to him and talk to him but I don't want anything to do with him.

And it doesn't get any better anywhere else. I've tried 3 different dating apps and all of them were a bust. There's a guy on Match that texts me 3 times a week. I have never responded. NOT ONCE. and He is STILL texting me.

I really want to hope for the best. I want to meet a decent, fun, exciting, and attractive guy. But I'm stuck here stiffening through the creeps 😖

[hollywoods]

Sebastian Stan in Marvel Studios: Assembled — (1.02) — The Making of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier

[everythingfox]

One of these peaches... is not like the rest

[pacman-in-cargopants]

Captain's Log - Entry #48256?

I have a heavy weight on me.

It's depression. After doing some research, I don't think it's anything clinical.

Situational depression

It's when your situation brings on a period of depression. When life gets hard, kind of a thing. Most people go through this when they have a break-up or lose a job. I think mine is coming from multiple areas in my life. One big area is the fallout between E and me. It's still pretty "fresh" but it's been so easy for him to move on and completely detach himself from me. To be fair this is something I have always struggled with. It takes me forever to move on. I'm actually trying this time. Staying busy, going out with new people, joined a dating app. I'm still struggling. Most days my heart feels a literal pain in my chest. Most days I ignore it and just try to keep chugging along. Some days the pain makes me angry and I get short with everyone around me. This week was no different. I tried to keep my emotions and pain in check but it got the better of me a couple times. I wish it was easy for me to control my emotions like everyone else.

But to end on a good note, I've started hanging out with some new people. Thursday we went out to the movies for teacher appreciation and Friday we went out to a bar that had arcade games. It's been fun and I'm doing my best not to be a Debbie Downer. We are supposed to hang out by the pool this weekend and when I woke up this morning I felt a little lighter than I have in a while.

[pacman-in-cargopants]

Better Days

Having some better days after my sad day Thursday,

Friday and Saturday I was able to sleep in and take it easy. Went to Trader Joes and bought food to cook the rest of the weekend. I went for a nice morning run on Saturday and later that day it was warm enough to float in the pool. The sunshine and relaxing weekend really got me back to normal. I feel so much better today.

But I think I spent a little too much time in the sun lol. I'm tired today. But in a good way not a depressed and sad way.

I'm hoping to spend more time this summer at the pool. I even bought a brand new pool float! It seems to be my recharge place.

[aesthetic-pope]

She…..Likes……My……SPARK!!!!!

Pretty Much Every time A Teacher Says That I Got A Question Right! =D

[pacman-in-cargopants]

[pacman-in-cargopants]

Today felt like a good day.

I got to sleep in until 9:30 am. Went and bought some much needed new clothes and I get to enjoy the rest of my 3 day weekend on my own terms.

The weather kept me inside but I feel that it was more of a divine intervention than a disappointment. I needed a rest day. A all about me day. I know I have been depressed and alone a lot lately and there is a lot of pressure and stress at work.

I have been running and keeping busy to try and not get overwhelmed with it all. We have a few more weeks of school left and in the teaching world it's crunch time. I hope I am not taking too many rest days but my mental health and wellness is more important to me. I want to find a healthy life where I am happy and vibrant. Not exhausted and pulled every directions.

I am trying to make my best life. It's hard to stay focused and I don't like doing this alone but I believe its worth it.

[pacman-in-cargopants]

Giving Up

I mess everything up.

I ruined the only thing good in my life and I can't get it back.

I'm angry and emotional even when I try to keep it under control.

I'm not even sure I could fix anything if I was given a chance

[kazbuckys]

Bucky in his black t-shirt 

“The Falcon and The Winter Soldier” Episode 4 (2021)

[pacman-in-cargopants]

So handsome

[pacman-in-cargopants]

Refreshed

I feel better today than I have all week.

I was able to have a really great Saturday and so far a pretty good Sunday too. Being able to go back into the pool yesterday and having it all to myself was a relaxing treat. Much Needed!

Most of the week was difficult, though. E has a new plus one. And I can tell he's happy like when we first started. Breaks my heart to have to see how great he is without me every day. He seems to be making an effort to make a friendship with me work. While I do want to stay friends, he doesn't understand the amount of pain I'm in most days.

I'm trying to make the best of things. But I'm moody and emotionally all over the place. Some days are really easy to be friends. Sending funny texts and joking around. Other days I don't even want to get out of bed.

So needless to say, this weekend was a much-needed break. I also have a lot of important things coming up this week, so hopefully, I'll be too busy to be sad.

Anyways... I hope you have a wonderful Sunday. 💗

Until Next Time.

[pacman-in-cargopants]

Disappointment 2.0

MAJOR VENTING

I cant stress enough how emotionally drained I am right now. I want to quit my job. I want to move away from this stupid city and all the unless noise that comes with it!

I found out this week a coworker of mine has stolen my work that I have been working on of over 3 years and claimed it as hers. Not only that I revived an email from this person saying that I am not longer in charge of the department, she is , and that I am to “start from scratch” in a different department. 

I let this person know that I am not going any where. (side note: she doesn’t have the authority to do ANY of this!) I have also started apply at other jobs. This may seem counterintuitive but I know its going to take awhile to find a new place of employment. I know I need to make thing work until then but right now I’m angry and I want to be petty and mean right back. I’m doing my best to remain a professional at work but under the surface I am so hurt and upset. 

E and I also had a falling out. He’s seeing someone new already and I’m left all alone. 

My best friend leaves this week for her new home in a new state. And on top of that the owner of the place I am renting is being horrendous and took over a week to replace the A/C unit that blew out. 

My nerves are raw and I am at my breaking point. I just want out. I don’t know where but just want out of this horrible place. I’ve been trying for  eight years to find a community that will accept me here and I guess its not not meant to be.

I don’t know when or how but I want out! 

[pacman-in-cargopants]

Dealing with Disappointment

I feel myself slipping back into the place I have been working so hard to stay out of. Loneliness and sadness see to be my only friends. 

I’ve been searching for my tribe. My set of solid friends.I’m also looking for my man. The one that will actually stick around. 

I need people more than ever and yet I just cant seem to find a way to connect. 

How do you deal with disappointment in people? How do find like hearted people? I seem to keep finding myself around people that just want a “useful” friendship. You know, the kind where everything is even. So as long and they get exactly what they want when they want, everything is good. But once you cant follow through, or Heaven forbid you're busy, It’s all over. 

Simply put I just keep finding that more and more people suck. 

And it seems to be paired with me being in a real soft place where every social media post about happy family moment or friends getting together, just tear my heart apart. 

[pacman-in-cargopants]

Direction

Do you ever know what you want but don’t know how exactly to get there?

Or maybe you know the next steps to take but not how to find it the right path?

I know what I want. I’ve been working hard for my the life that I want for myself for 5 years now. But I’m not there yet. 

Is it because I’m in the wrong city? State? Do I just need to worker harder?

I have no friends that live in the same city or state as me. I’ve been working on meeting new people but no one seems to stick around. Same thing goes for my love life. No one wants to stick around. “Feelings” are the enemy. But how else do you find love? You cant truly know someone, regardless of the type of relationship, without being venerable.

So then I’m left out. Not cold hearted enough for some and not open enough for the others. 

Timing is also a big factor. I’m always off step. Never quit in sync with others. 

Can I just pray for time to finally be on my side? So I’m not alone. So I can have someone I can call my own.   

I feel like this one sounds sad. But I’m not sad. I’m just trying to get in step with life and love.