In your walls.

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”The years go by time stands still life goes on, do you remember? Walking in your walls, in your walls, walking in your walls. This time's different I can feel it, this time nothing will come near it, in your walls, walking in your walls…”

— J. Cross ✝️ - 23 years old - intersex male — You can also call me Jhonen, Frank, Rick, or Sasha — Unmedicated; Schizoaffective, Autistic, Temporal Lobe Epilepsy, Geschwind Syndrome, Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder [HPPD}, ASPD, SZPD, BIID, CPTSD, BPD, OCD — physically disabled; incontinence, EDS, and general unexplained physical difficulties

🧂∞🧂∞ 🧂∞🧂∞🧂∞🧂∞🧂∞🧂∞🧂

Hello, welcome to my little online diary…as I have so conveniently listed for comprehensive purposes, I am afflicted with an assortment of mental / neurological disorders — the purpose of my blog is to both document the unfiltered reality of the life of a disabled mentally ill individual for entertainment and educational purposes, and for my own fun. [Currently deeply suicidal and unstable, early recovery.]

Replies to messages and asks will be delayed a lot of the time; I'm very busy along with my neurological health preventing me from being as responsive as I would like.

DON’T TOUCH THE ART RULE —

Anyone may follow this blog if they are interested enough by me to do so, however, do not make any personal contact with me if you cannot handle or tolerate the full reality of what a person like Johnny C. is like and what that would entail for you — I consider myself to embody him fully, flaws and instability and all, and I do not want that to become a point of contention in my personal relationships. Thank you.

🎭 Consider this blog as performance art; I’m constantly method acting.

My art blog: @777-delusionary-hell

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11:11

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It’s Johnny’s alter, Vee — I finally went ahead and just made my own blog because I figure it would probably be for the better of both of us. I may or may not end up being a more prominent cohost, but we’ll see.

@questionvee

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How I feel having to make a new blog for myself just to avoid blocking an ex friend even though I really don’t want to;

—Vee

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Ok well I kinda screwed myself because the fucking air conditioner barely works here either and the box is locked so I can’t change the settings. Regret.

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One of my housemates was asking me again to buy him soda and asked if I’m sharing anything in the fridge. I cannot live like this.

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Ok well I kinda screwed myself because the fucking air conditioner barely works here either and the box is locked so I can’t change the settings. Regret.

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4:44

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Vee is hitting me with a giant cartoon mallet in my mind demanding me to buy him new sunglasses damn bitch I thought you didn’t want to front.

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I’m incredibly sympathetic to others in a similar class situation as me, but I can’t help but feel incredibly annoyed whenever someone just…wallows in that when they DO have the ability to make something better for themselves — oh, you have the privilege and abled body / mind to hold a job? Appreciate what you have and get the fuck out of the trailer you’re living in with 4 people “But Johnny it’s not that simple!” if you’re under 25 I don’t wanna hear it just move to California and get in a housing program.

It’s just so frustrating to me when people keep themselves in a mediocre place they have the ability to get out of, because I truly WISH I could have what some of these ungrateful idiots have. I just want a job more than anything right now to get my own apartment, but some people would rather waste away and complain on the internet instead of doing anything about it.

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Vee hasn’t gotten much time for himself to be a person so he’s just kinda left with the scraps from music everyone else in our head likes — back when Darkness and Tess were really into TMBG, though, the rare times he fronted on his own were when he dissociated while listening to TMBG albums. He might’ve actually been the reason we got really into them when we were younger.

His favorite album we had was the double compilation album, Then: The Earlier Years — particularly disc 2 that had Hey Mr DJ I Thought You Said We Had A Deal. It’s just been such an odd thing for me to think about recently with how it became such a personal song to the both of us; I only knew Vee existed since 2022 but he’s always been there.

Strangely, we don’t have that disc anymore because it was in the CD player in the car that was stolen from my parents.

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They Might be Giants — Hey, Mr DJ, I Thought We Had a Deal Dial-a-Song, 1988

I could never sleep my way to the top 'Cause my alarm clock always wakes me right up And since my options had been whittled away I struck a bargain with my radio DJ I said I really wanna be number one He said "I really really wanna help you, my son" And then I knew that I would have him to thank Because he asked me how much I had in the bank

He said to think long term investment and That all the others had forgiven themselves They know their net rewards would justify The colossal mess they'd made of their lives

He said the record wouldn't have to be hot 'Cause no one ever seems to care if it's not It would depend on something else that I've got And that everyone who'd given it a shot Has gone and made the world their oyster And that everybody had forgiven themselves They know their net rewards could justify The colossal mess they'd made of their lives

Hey Mr. DJ, I thought we had a deal I thought you said, "You scratch my back and I'll scratch your record" And I thought we had a deal I thought we had a deal

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I’ll microwave mushrooms with red wine vinegar as a snack to compensate for fiber I guess.

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I’m still gonna eat it because I just need any sustenance to recover from my seizures and I’m appreciative of meals being made and provided here…but also I don’t know how anyone lives without paying attention to their diet. Eggs, bacon, and hashbrowns for breakfast [good], and then cheeseburger and fries for dinner…it just weirds me out because I know this is how people usually eat even outside of this situation and I’m like damn bitch where’s the tryptophan and fiber.

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I don’t know if Vee is ever going to front on his own again because he hates existing but he’ll probably continue to be present to help me through housing stability, etc. He’s respectful of my suicide plans but he wants to do everything he can to make sure I don’t have to die in a fucked up situation.

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“I just want everyone to know I died trying instead of allowing myself and Johnny to die in mediocrity.” —Vee

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I don’t know if Vee is ever going to front on his own again because he hates existing but he’ll probably continue to be present to help me through housing stability, etc. He’s respectful of my suicide plans but he wants to do everything he can to make sure I don’t have to die in a fucked up situation.

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Don’t bother me about my abuser. I don’t want to hear anything about him and I won’t get anyone in contact with him. Go away.

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I’m not giving you his contact info because I’m not in contact with him and I never want this situation to be my problem ever again. Best case scenario for me is that he OD’s on his meds and I’ll never have to hear of him ever again. So go away.

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Don’t bother me about my abuser. I don’t want to hear anything about him and I won’t get anyone in contact with him. Go away.