When I was younger thought that gaslighting was just a guilt-ridden 'I wish it hadn't happened like it did' kind of plea, like please let's pretend this didn't happen, please just play along. For instance, when you call abusers out on something they said, and they quickly go 'I never said that', I would perceive it almost as desperation, as if they they wish they hadn't said that, and like they felt so unbearably guilty they couldn't even face what they did. So I would let it go and assume they're sorry and they understood that it was wrong, that's why they'd prefer to pretend it never happened, and they're on some deep level begging me to also pretend it didn't, because it was a mistake and they know this.
I realized this perception was way off only later, when not only would these incidents repeat time after time, but they would be weaponized against me. I was not to recally any past event that made them look bad, but they could, if they needed to trigger me. They could remind me of 'what they could do to me if I acted this way, don't I remember what happened the last time'? That wasn't a guilt-ridden rememberance of something they felt deeply ashamed about, that was recalling something they were proud of and smug about; they enjoyed the power it gave them over me.
But I was still unsure. After all, during the moments of being triggered is not when you're going to figure something important out; that's when you're on your most distressed, confused, emotional, unable to make sense of anything that's going on, and abusers count on that, they count on you being too grief stricken and shocked to be able to process what they just did to you. And once you calm down you're supposed to just be grateful it's over. So I couldn't tell what was going on, their intentions oscillating between shame and power trip were a mystery to me.
Finally I understood one day, when I was more alert, more focused on analyzing the abuser's actions rather than mine, as I watched them violently break a piece of furniture. They did it in a 'fit of rage' after they didn't get their way in a situation where they had no right to demand it. Naturally everyone who witnessed this was shocked, scared, timid, anxious and only wanted for things to calm down. So the abuser got their way, and the piece of furniture remained broken for everyone to look at in the foreseeable future; so everyone would remember what happens if the abuser isn't obeyed.
At a later time, the abuser was in a good mood, so everyone was allowed to have a good time and relax for the time being. Guests were in, jokes were made, I was asked to bring something to them, and I scrambled to get past the broken piece of furniture in order to do it. 'Maybe if YOU didn't break that, it would look better in here!' the abuser said to me. And I stopped dead in my tracks. They changed it to me breaking it. They not only revised the story into 'I never did that' or 'let's pretend this didn't happen' but to 'You did that'. After I watched them do it. I knew then this was not an act of guilt or shame, or even projection. This was the 'I decide what happened.'
They knew they broke this. They were telling everyone that I was the violent one in the family, with the proof of what they did directly in front of us. You could argue that this isn't gaslighting, just lying, but the anger they threw at me for 'breaking it' was real; it was not just 'you broke this' but 'how dare you fucking break this, look what you did'. It was disarming and startling, I couldn't even respond, I just left.
I had to sit down and replay the entire scene of them breaking in my mind, it to remind myself that it certainly wasn't me. I was so often gaslit that I'd have to rethink and re-analyze every event to scramble for the bits of truth. If you're catching yourself having thoughts like: 'am I crazy? Did I actually somehow do this without realizing? Did this actually happen? Why can't I figure out what's real?' then you're dealing with gaslighting. I was stuck in that stage for a few moments, but then I caught on what was going on; I was to believe the abuser convinced themselves that I broke this. I was to believe they were so unstable and losing touch with reality to the point where they genuinely didn't know it was them. It was bullshit. This was deliberate. They left that furniture out on purpose, if they felt bad about breaking it for a second, they would have replaced it. They would have to look at the reminder of their shame every day it was there, if they felt bad. They felt proud of doing that. They felt proud of blaming me. They enjoyed having both the power of terrorizing their family members, and shifting blame to avoid any kind of consequences. It's a scheme. This person hasn't felt bad for one thing they did during their entire life. All of it was done to gain power and control.
I never fought them on this, despite knowing I was taking the fall for their actions. Confronting abusers on gaslighting is too dangerous, and they are likely to double down and break another thing, or you, to get their way. But I remembered what I've learned, and used it to analyze their behaviour further. I never again thought gaslighting was done out of guilt or shame over what had transpired, and what they did in a moment of 'rage'. It was all controlled. They knew exactly what they were doing, down to how they'll evade blame for it later. Every act of gaslighting is done in contempt and hatred. If they felt guilty, what you would get from them is an apology, cleaning the mess, making it up to you, and begging for forgiveness, which you would not have to give pressured by terror. Revising it and blaming it on you is them getting away with it and feeling proud of the crime they committed.
tangentwithtanner
prguitarman
blakekathryn
origamiaround
ellievsbear
