Regarding My Absense: A Long and Uncomfortable Post.
alright let's get something off of my chest since everyone's definitely noticed that i have been extremely radio silent for quite some time.
dd and i are still friends but because of what i've been dealing with in my life i haven't had any time or will to be out there posting my horny nonsense and it's because of this:
in may of 2024 i was taken advantage of by my ex partner.
i'm sanitizing it but you should probably know ehat i mean by "taken advantage of" considering the nature of this blog being sexual
my ex was arguably very puritan (despite not being in a religious household) and controlling when it came to how i expressed myself sexually. they were the first in-person relationship i've had in forever, so obviously i wanted to do everything i could to stay with them despite the sheer amount of times i would split because of them.
they would control who i would talk to on discord (even going as far as to block people for me), they would constantly shame me and subtly insult how i would function despite being autistic themselves, hide information from me purposefully so that i didn't know about what they were doing behind my back, withheld my debit card from me to stop me from spending my money and used it to buy food, and also coerced me into changing my medications several times to "what would fit me"
now of course, they also shamed me for sharing nudes with my other partners, shamed me for masturbating when "they were right there," would manipulate or cry when i said i didn't want to have sex because they "felt undesirable," slowly isolated me from talking sexually about my interests, and even called my friendship with dd "weird because it was built entirely on sharing sexual fantasies."
i had my fair share of being a dickhead in this relationship of course but my individuality was slowly erased and their cherrypicking from r/did just pissed me off so much i just shut up. the less i fought back the less i'd hurt them.
i say all of this to tell you that they had a track record of keeping me afraid, keeping me agreeable, and keeping me controllable. we were dating for two years. we broke up in august 2024.
the night they did it i could not consent. i was not listened to. they did it when i was nonverbal and unable to use the aac app on my phone, and ignored any body language to tell them no. i could not fight them off as they weighed more than me and was more fit than i was. i was (and kind of still am) recovering from an ed so i weighed nothing to them.
they were afab. they didn't care about me, didn't even try to stop even when i was crying, they just forced me to lay there on their bed. i wanted it to be over as fast as possible of course
it's because of the extensive sexual shaming and of course the abuse that i underwent that made me closed off and unwilling to talk about my kinks openly. i still indulge in it but in a way that i think "makes people more comfortable with me." i'm slowly working myself out of it thanks to a very close group of friends and my new long distance partners actually listening to me and my needs, never shaming me, and understanding how traumatic what i underwent was.
dd, my dearest bestie, if you're reading this, i'm sorry i couldn't share the real reason for awhile. even if i did tell you, i don't think it was as in-depth as it was in this post. even if we don't talk as much, i'm so happy you've been in my life, being patient with me in my recovery and my lapses in memory
to anyone who read this far, thank you for understanding. i know dd has been rbing my posts for a long while so i know i havent quite disappeared from tum-blr so i hope this reaches a small amount of people.
