Minuet, 1910 Frank Eugene (German, 1865–1936)
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Minuet, 1910 Frank Eugene (German, 1865–1936)
Charlene Wood - Diary, November 19th, 1990 12:48 am
How to put you in words? Would I press you to my navel and caress your silken head? Would I follow each precious step you took and carve the imprint into the wood so that I may gaze upon the impression you left in my sullen world? Would you show up in my prayers, in my journals, in my nightmares where I am riding a white horse across a frozen lawn, following the ghost of your grandmother into the forest where she took her own life as you watched from the high windows of your childhood home? You were not born yet, and yet you hold the burden of her passing in your mind.
Would I kiss you, would I give you everything that I have stored in my memory in my bones in my knife? Are you an illusion of the future or a relic of the past that still threatens to shackle me to pain and degradation?
I have seen your face before. You look back at me from the mirrors in the solitary bar bathrooms, a dim bulb blinking desolately as the stench of vomit and piss and shit and the thunderous guitars of some shitty GNR cover band beat at the door--oh no, it's security. I've been in here looking at you too long. I wish I never had to stop.
You stand at the bar, concern coloring your pale blue eyes.
I cannot keep from moving towards your destruction. It is an echo of my own.
With a smile, you say, "Hey, Charlie, what took you so long?"
Would I love you despite the cruelty of your spirit? The agony of your rapture? You take my hand, press your lips to my palm, usher me to a cab, and watch from the curb as it pulls away, ushering my broken spirit back to the high rise where our mothers cannot reach us. A cigarette hangs loosely from your lips.
I would. I would. I would love you regardless. I already do. Have, for as long as I can remember, it was always you. Tears spill down as the warm cab rumbles to the sanctuary penthouse, to the place where you sleep, but you don't come home that night. The city was made for beautiful lovers like you to revel in. I am just here, waiting for you.
You will find me when you are ready for me to love you. You will love me when you are ready for such a thing.
I’ve started a new (old) project. Charlie lives on, Forever and ever.
Charlene Wood- Diary, September 24th, 1987 5:54 am
I reside in my own cathedral, where the faint murmurs of prayers hum from the stone-carved ceiling. Is apparent in the fading of sharp edges and banisters polished from the loving hands of pilgrims. When light streams through the sacred legendaries, bathing my unworthy head in the rapture of the Holy Spirit, eating at the darkness of my sin.
I am not a martyr or a saint, yet I would die for this love.
I am fading against the coming of dawn. The brief headlines of tomorrow thorn my mind as I stumble back to my dorm, thin socks slipping down into my worn boots. ...Cyclone, Speaking For the Dead, Artifical Life Conference... This life is a deficit and a mourning and a sacrifice and an invocation a kiss and a death sentence, a parallel and a single drop of dew balanced on the edge of a blade of grass.
I have not told mother about this. She would think we were too much alike, and gently, gently, take me back into her arms in that burnt-out Texas town to seclude me from the rest of creation, to be absorbed into her once more. A shorn limb returned. A phantom presence. If I return, I will be consumed. She has tried this before, but I survived. Would that I could survive each attempt.
My last roommate has graduated and there are no takers for the empty bed to the right of me. Everything is the same as it always has been. I hate to end this with 'I am alone,' for though it is true, I do not permit myself to succumb to loneliness. There is much work to be done; I am feeling through infinity for the single string to grasp, the one red strand that will pull me through this garbled soliloquy into the exaltation of eternal love. This is no god I speak of; at least, not in a traditional sense. This is an exploration of assumptions. In the search, I will find that infinity resides within us all. I know it to be true already. I simply need proof.
“The world reveals itself to those who travel on foot.”
–Werner Herzog
June 6, 2023 at 10:20AM
Real yearners only
Night train, silver moon
You ask me why I'm flying
To float on ashen wing
To choke on dust and feather
Oh moon, you are a liar
It's right we should pretend
And lie with one another
It's right we should be twins
For I have loved no other
— Beggar’s Blues, by Mark Lanegan
missing someone is crazy because you’ll have dreams that r like “we went on a nice walk together :)” and you’ll wake up feeling like you’re gonna throw up
“The Worm King’s Lullaby” by Richard Siken
1.
The holes in this story are not lamps, they are not wheels. I walked and walked, grew a beard so I could drag it in the dirt, into a forest that wasn’t there. I want to give you more but not everything. You don’t need everything.
2.
This is what they found on the dead man’s desk when the landlord let them in: twenty-eight pages, esoteric and unfollowable, written with perfect penmanship and a total disregard for any reader, as if the intended audience was a population not quite human. Angelic script, says the detective, lifting the pages, feeling their heft, and he wonders what he means because it isn’t. His partner nods but ignores him.
A park bench, white roses, dark coats and white roses, snow and repetitions of snow— it’s hard to read but pretty much how they found him dead on a bench in a black coat, the snow falling down.
Twigs and blackbirds, snow and red horses, the ghosts floating up, the snow falling down— the detective is weeping— and the black coat.
3.
Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story. There is no other version of this story.
4.
It’s getting late, Little Moon. Finish the song. It’s not that late. You are my moon, Little Moon, and it’s late enough. So climb down out of the tree. Is it safe? Safe enough. Are you dead as well?
The night is cold, it is silver, it is a coin.
Not everyone is dead, Little Moon. But the big moon needs the tree. There is a ghost at the end of the song. Yes, there is. And you see his hand and then you see the moon. Am I the ghost at the end of the song? We are very close now, Little Moon. Thank you for shining on me.
5.
He was pointing at the moon but I was looking at his hand. He was dead anyway, a ghost. I’m surprised I saw his hand at all. All this was prepared for me. All this was set in motion long ago. I live in someone else’s future. I stayed as long as I could, he said. Now look at the moon.
Scott Wade paints on dusty cars and he did a stunning job with painting Hylas and the Nymphs by John William Waterhouse.
The ceasefire agreement was reached and joy is floating among the Palestinian people
The joy is indescribable here all over the Gaza Strip. This thing seems like a literal miracle.
Rafah crossing will be opened tomorrow, God willing. We need help, friends. Please donate.
Diedrick Brackens, “how to return,” woven indigo-dyed cotton and acrylic yarn, 2017
Setsuko Hara in A Woman in the Typhoon Area (Hideo Oba, 1948)