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i wrote a fanfic about the TTR discord server cog cup tournament that ended in a perfect tie three times
based on a true story. enjoy
The final round of the 2024 Cog Cup approached its end, and the votes were neck-in-neck between the Flunkies and the Legal Eagles. The Legal Eagles firmly believed that they had this in the bag, on account of their higher status, majestic furry appeal, and also the fact that they were cheating.
The Chief Justice opened an envelope as a flock of particularly important Legal Eagles crowded around, anticipating their assured victory. He brought the envelope to his face. After a long pause, he said "wait, I can't read."
A Big Wig snatched the paper and read it. "Oh my." they gasped.
"We won, right?" asked a Legal Eagle anxiously.
"There's no chance the Flunkies beat us!"
"They didn't, " said the Big Wig. "It was a tie."
The Legal Eagles squawked in surprise. Not only was this completely unexpected, but the implications scared each and every Cog in the courtroom: The implication that they and the Flunkies could be even remotely on the same level.
"I DEMAND A RECOUNT!" one Legal Eagle screamed.
"This is ridiculous! Absurd! Ludicrous!"
"Ludacris is NOT a flunky!" barked another. "just because they're both bald-"
"Ludacris isn't bald! " shouted another. "You're thinking of Pitbull!"
"ORDER! ORDER!" the Chief Justice demanded, slamming his gavel directly onto the head of the Big Wig, rendering him unconscious. "There WILL be a recount. We just need to cheat harder this time."
"But how?" asked a Legal Eagle.
"I have...a plan." murmured the Chief Justice.
---
The Flunkies, who had also cheated, were now frantically running around Bossbot HQ, attempting to convert anyone who would listen to their cause. The CEO had promised the Big Cheeses that if they were to win the poll, they could have a half day on Saturday. Surely, each of them thought, he would extend the same privilege to the Flunkies. However, a perfect tie managed to manifest. Perhaps the Corporate Raiders stole one Wi-Fi router too few from the Lawbot buildings. Maybe if they had just asked *one more* Yesman, they could have secured their victory. Did they not bribe the Name Droppers generously enough? Nonetheless, a recount was in order, and their strategy had to change. The Flunkies reconvened in a random conference room with nothing in it but a table and an old coffee maker that hadn’t worked in decades.
"Guys, the tiebreaker is REALLY close." said a level 2 Flunky.
"We're ahead by 1!" shouted a level 1 at a computer screen, but after a pause, they followed with "Oh, darn, we lost a vote."
"I don't want to make assumptions," asked a level 3, "but it almost seems like somebody is actively trying to balance the numbers."
"What!?" shouted a level 5. "That's impossible. Why would anybody do that?"
Three toons in Flunky disguises giggled quietly in the corner.
"10 seconds left! We're ahead by three!" the level 1 exclaimed.
The Flunkies crowded around the computer, scrambling over each other to see the poll. Their numbers remained steadily ahead. "3...2...1..."
But in the last millisecond, the Legal Eagles earned exactly enough votes to tie the poll again.
"NO!" the level 5 slammed his fists on the table. "Why, God, Why?!"
"Who's God?" asked the level 1.
Deflated, the level 5 responded, "I don't know...I thought I knew, but I don't think I do anymore..."
"There MUST be some sort of tampering afoot!" the level 3 proclaimed. "It is STATISTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE that this should occur twice by chance!"
One of the disguised toons in the corner piped up. "Unless Toontown has exactly the same amount of Cogs who prefer Flunkies as Cogs who prefer Legal Eagles... That's possible, maybe."
"NO! I literally JUST said that was NOT possible!" the level 3 stomped his foot. "Were you not listening?!"
"I heard you loud and clear," said the Toon. "What I heard was just really, really stupid."
The level 3 quickly snapped back to the others, "Who even ARE these guys?!"
"That does not matter," said the level 5, ignorant to the overwhelmingly enormous extent to which it did matter, "Right now, we need to make sure that the poll doesn't tie a THIRD time."
"If the poll ties a third time I am throwing this laptop across the room." the level 1 grumbled.
---
As the Flunkies spent a majority of the next tiebreaker's duration cleaning up pieces of the broken laptop, the Chairman sat ominously in the shadows of his office, holding his hands together close to his face as evil masterminds do. A Big Cheese entered the room.
"Sir," the Big Cheese stated, "Would you...like the light on?"
"NO.'' The Chairman's voice boomed like thunder in all 12 of the Big Cheese's earholes. Then again, that could have been the actual thunder, as it always storms in Cog Nation. The Chairman picked this geographical location specifically because it never stops storming. It really sells the evil vibe. Plus, considering that robots and water are historically not an ideal combination, it disincentivizes his employees from trying to leave.
"W-well, about the poll, sir." the Big Cheese tripped over his words. "Somehow the Toons have gained access to it."
The Chairman did not respond.
"I assure you our Cybersecurity measures were properly executed. Alas, the Toons-"
"Who are the Toons voting for?" the Chairman demanded. "I need their data...their scrumptious, delicious data."
The Big Cheese raised his eyebrows and his brain lagged for a moment, then he recovered his thought processes. "They seem to be trying to end every poll in a tie."
"...Every poll?"
"Yes, sir. We have been forced to hold two tiebreaker rounds, both of which the Toons successfully managed to tie up at the last second. However-"
"Let me think of a solution. I will only need a moment. Please wait." the Chairman loaded.
"Well, sir, if I may suggest leaving the victory to the model in the third place position, which, incidentally, WAS the Big Cheeses-"
"Oh, ha-ha, nice try," the Chairman chuckled, grimly and quietly, but a quick jolt made his body twitch in response. "Ow! I laughed again. I'm a Cog, I can't do that." he spat. "Anyway. This is what we are ACTUALLY going to do..."
The Big Cheese waited for an answer. The Chairman did not provide one.
"Um, sir?" asked the Big Cheese. "The plan?"
"Is this scene still going?" asked the Chairman.
"Yes, sir."
The Chairman sighed. "I'm waiting for the scene to change. I'm sure it's going to cut somewhere stupid."
The two Cogs stood in silence for approximately enough time for a two-page document to print (assuming the printer was working in this scenario).
"So, um...Sir, I can't help but ask." the Big Cheese prodded. "I can't see you over there. Are you... actually a robot? I've heard rumors that you're actually just the chair."
The Chairman sighed. That was definitely stupid.
---
The Legal Eagles crowded around their computer, which was significantly more sleek than the one the Flunkies had access to. The Chief Justice slammed his gavel onto the desk.
"The Chairman has informed me that this *third tiebreaker* is set to end at a random interval within the next 30 minutes."
"Good news, sir! We're in the lead!" one Legal Eagle chirped. "Oh- nope, it's a tie again."
"Good grief, my wires are so clenched right now, I might lay an egg." another breathed.
The Legal Eagle next to him tilted his head. "...What?"
"ANYWAY, desperate times call for desperate measures..." the Chief Justice proclaimed. "It's time to put my plan into action! Big Wig! Turn on my Overpriced Fruit Brand Smart Tablet! Navigate to the poll."
The Big Wig nodded as if the CJ could even see them and proceeded to partake in the aforementioned actions. They then handed the OFBST to the Chief Justice.
"See, this is a secret I've been saving. As a Cog Boss, my votes count DOUBLE the amount. I shall now-"
"Wait, you could vote this whole time?!” a Legal Eagle cawed. An uproar started in the flock. The Chief Justice slammed his gavel onto the nearest flat surface.
"Silence. Everything is going according to plan."
The Big Wig looked down. "Was it part of your plan to vote for the Flunkies?"
The eagles screamed.
"Oh- Oh no, did I- Quick, Big Wig! Fix it!" The CJ threw the OFBST at the Big Wig, who was not technologically designed to have particularly high reflexes. He fumbled the catch and dropped the tablet.
"PICK IT UP!!!" screamed an Eagle, who was somehow foaming at the mouth now.
Amidst the boos and screams of the birds, the Big Wig quickly reached down to grab the OFBST. They fumbled it into their grasp and held it up. It was in sleep mode. He frantically tapped the screen to turn it on.
INCORRECT PASSCODE.
INCORRECT PASSCODE. YOU HAVE ONE MORE ATTEMPT BEFORE YOU ARE LOCKED OUT OF YOUR DEVICE.
Now, the Big Wig was screaming. "EVERYBODY SHUT UP! I NEED TO FOCUS!"
"EVERY SECOND COUNTS, MAN!" screamed an Eagle.
He took a deep breath and typed the passcode.
1. Nothing wrong with me.
2. Nothing wrong with me.
3. Nothing wrong with me.
9. The final digit was NOT 4, because that would be far too predictable. The Big Wig had thought that this was clever when they set it, but right now, every bit their brain processed was a nanosecond less that they had to change the vote in the poll.
Holding their breath, they slammed their finger onto the Flunky button to deselect it.
And right then, the poll closed.
"THE POLL'S OVER!" the Big Wig exclaimed.
All of the bird noises fell silent. They all rushed to look at the results.
Finally, After hours of turmoil, vicious psychological torture, and methods of cheating that turned out to be so futile that I don't even need to make up what they would have been, the results were in.
Despite the Flunkies.
Despite the Toons.
Despite themselves.
The Legal Eagles won by exactly two votes.
"We won!" shouted one Eagle.
"Yes!!!" shouted another.
"Finally! Finally we-" this Legal Eagle stopped. "Wait... what. What do we get from this again?"
The Legal Eagles cocked their heads to the sides, looking to each other for an answer none of them had. The Chief Justice slammed his gavel one more time.
"Congratulations! You all worked very hard to achieve this. And now, for your just reward! You all get to commit a mega invasion!"
"Oh, great, more work.” an Eagle squeaked out sarcastically. “Wh- when do we have- I mean, get to do that?”
"Right now.” the Chief Justice commanded. “NOW GET BACK TO WORK."
hi! uh, sorry to bother you, but uh, feel free to not answer if you don't want to, but um, im so sorry, are you, uh, im sure you are, but uh, are you like. satisfied with your current internet provider? ok, yeah, understandable have a great day bye
