I had something similar with my experience in SpEd as a child. The program was so unsafe + poorly-run that I was BETTER OFF throwing my accommodations away & toughing it out in the mainstream classes, instead. Everyone thinks those services are wonderful (and they can be!) They can't imagine anything ever going wrong, there.
I know it sounds bad, but I HAD to leave. The people there weren't safe for me (or even the other kids, when you really think about it) & parents wouldn't pull me out of the school to try another one; "always trust the professionals," you know? No matter how good of a track record I had, or how clearly I articulated my worries.
We were constantly infantilized, to the point where harmful & even life-threatening behaviors would be shrugged off. I have Asthma, and at one point, there was a boy who was trying to run me to death.
Or constantly demonized, hated by adults depending on who we were dealing with that day.
Both of which ultimately lead to neglect.
There was a lot of favoritism? The staff actually really "loved" me, because my case was pretty low-support. The rest of my class, though, wasn't so lucky. So they always got shouted at/belittled for existing the way they did. I'd sit at my desk and watch in silent horror. Knowing that, had MY stars aligned any differently...
Meanwhile, I usually just went ignored unless they needed to show someone "presentable" on stage for awards & shit. Or if they wanted to yell "WHY CAN'T YOU ALL BE MORE LIKE JONAH?!" at the class. One explained it as her "never having to worry" about me.
And then I'd have to pay for it when they inevitably lashed out against me, later. And no, nobody really did much when I spoke up about it.
Eventually, that lashing out escalated from verbal harassment to violence & even COCSA by middle school.
The work was consistently unchallenging/not teaching me much of anything/moving WAY too slow for me in particular. But then staff couldn't do anything about that, because they were too busy trying to catch the rest of the class up.
And after a while, I noticed that entire lessons & subjects were just... glanced over/skipped (like social studies; spanish; a lot of science, too. Things I wanted to learn.) And that's not good for me, now, is it...?
By the time I was 10, I had two options: drive myself crazy & earn a transfer out of there (which I successfully did!) or throw myself into the New York Bay. September 9th, 2026, actually marks TEN years of me surviving. Had I not been switched out by the end of 7th grade, I had every intention of killing myself before 8th. I full-on promised myself that I would; one way or another, that abuse was gonna fucking stop.
I know not all SpEd environments are like that. But that's how mine was. And as inactive as this account is, believe me, I will NEVER forget that agony. That's why I make the art that I do.
More PAPERBOY later this month. I've made a lot of progress this year.
