Like fire, Hellfire

Cranberry vodka and empty fishtanks // Oh well, here I go~ // Bucharest // Twitter: @paradoxempress

[paradoxqueen]

You say nothing changed, but it is me who witnesses your anger, not you or your reflection

[paradoxqueen]

Îți mulțumesc pentru sticla de vodcă.

M-ai dăruit-o cumva ca să te pot jeli când mă vei părăsi?

E tot ce mi-a rămas....

- Pentru fantoma mea

[paradoxqueen]

I'm haunting my own home again.

Aimlessly wandering,

I...

I..

I.

I don't know what I'm looking for

Maybe that last sliver of hope

That you didn't disappear forever,

Or maybe I'm filling up the silence

With my own footsteps and heavy breathing

My cheeks are still wet and heartbeat faltering

It's cold and alone without you

It has been this way for a while

I suppose i was just preparing my tomb by letting it freeze and rot and accumulate dust

I sleep like the dead

I look like a corpse

But my soul isn't here

Not now

Not anymore

I...

I..

I.

I'm haunting my own home again.

If you're gone, let me at least give my tomb life

I'm slamming doors and cupboards and wardrobes

I'm dropping pots and pans

I'm smashing mugs and cups

I'm caressing the walls to find trace of life

I'm possessing my own mirror

I'm haunting my own home again.

If you can't be here, my ghost is

Surrounded by shattered hopes, shattered gifts, shattered soul

The dust bunnies clog up the emptiness inside

I...

I..

I.

I'm haunting my own home.

[paradoxqueen]

All I wanted with you

Was a cup of tea

And a chat....

A friendly chat, just you and me,

Or a dinner

Or a coffee.

So i could finally muster up the courage to finally open up with you more,

Because I'm not as talkative as you think I am;

I'm shy and selectively mute half the time.

Well, you came alright.

You came for the tea

And nothing else.

Tea with me

In my humble abode.

And instead violently smashed at me outside my own hearth

With words I'll never forget.

Words that you can afford to not remember.

Words that haunt me still

[paradoxqueen]

I feel I don't belong here

And this is how I know

For every time I look up at the sky

The stars call and beckon me home.

And if you haven't realised,

Don't worry, I'll let you know.

For as much as they may call and beg,

I know I can never go.

[paradoxqueen]

At the end of the day

All that matters

Is who you trust and want enough

To have a forever with.

My forever

Is with her;

She holds my forever in her arms,

Which lovingly cradle me,

In her hands,

Which uphold and caress me,

Her lips,

Which kiss away my fears and tell me how much she loves me,

Her mind,

Filled with secrets and her beautiful personality

Her heart,

Which feels so deeply and is so kind,

And mostly,

Her soul,

Which envelops mine

And brings me to tears,

Tears of missing her

Tears of loving her

Tears of cherishing her.

So If you read this

I am ever so thankful baby,

And one question needs an answer;

Would you be my forever

And will you marry me?

[paradoxqueen]

There is one person,

And only one person,

Whom I love as deeply as I can.

One person I wish to give my all to;

One person I wish to love,

Now and evermore

[paradoxqueen]

I wanted

My own little aesthetic

My own self ingrained in perfection

My own being to have its own quirks

So that one may recognise me

Randomly when seeing something

That perhaps represents me.

I question often

How others see me

If I have any defining traits

Or if I simply fade into the background

As I tend to; stay quiet, uninvolved.

Am I still seen,

Despite my introvertedness,

Am I still something that can be pinpointed?

Is there anything that sets me apart, even through all my silence?

[paradoxqueen]

Every day,

I see the person I hate most in my life,

And every day,

I have to dissuade myself

From this compelling urge

To end them

As they have once

Ended me

- I am allowed to be cruel and unforgiving -

[paradoxqueen]

Her love is gentle, intimate personal.

Her love is popping blackheads and sharing the shower cabin,

Steam rising and painting the glass door.

Her love is peppering kisses all over her face

And licking her cheek when she does the same in return.

Her love is playing hide and seek on the way home,

hiding behind buildings

And calming each other down when the fear of loss hits.

Our love is apologies in the middle of the pavement

And holding each other tight after a nightmare,

Smoking cigarettes on hotel terraces while confessing fears about the future.

Our love is crying for hours, days on end,

When the reality that our time together is up

(Temporarily)

Tears falling at the train station

and empty wagons filled with the sounds of my heavy breathing

Until I next see her.

Our love

Is the late nights that remain unslept,

The cigarette smoke at 4 am

the taste of mint deep in your throat

your hand on my hip and your lips grazing my temples.

It is the warmth I feel from your hoodie

Under my sweater and over your shirt,

The marks on my neck from our nights together,

And city lights reflected in the river.

Our love is smiles and laughter from our stupid jokes,

and judging old shows on shitty tv channels.

Most of all,

Our love is the ring on my finger,

Silver, with a soft, white opal,

And your mirror of silver with a black band;

Our promises to each other,

Our symbol,

Our reflection of love in the distance

[paradoxqueen]

Leaving her felt like being punched in the lungs;

Sudden, unexpected, breathtaking.

The first ten minutes of having left her at the station,

My mind was reeling.

I left, she stayed.

I wanted so badly to run back to her,

Give a big 'fuck you' to everyone and go back to her

Because 6 weeks felt like too long a time

To wait for her

To get the chance to come back to me.

Six

Weeks.

The first time I woke up without her

(since she had some business that morning)

Was the first time I had woken up alone

And felt my soul leave my body.

Now,

Having left her in the train station,

I feel as if I'm falling

And falling

And falling

Lower into the depths of depression.

The first night without her,

Will be the night I mourn her like the dead

And wake up

Howling and weeping

For my angel in my arms

[paradoxqueen]

Iubirea mea dulce, dragostea mea,

De când mă știu eu pe mine, am avut intuiția asta care îmi ghidează sufletul, care mă ghidează spre persoane care au un impact în viața mea.

Și oricât de atractivă ar fii o persoană, sufletul mă ghidează spre relații care au un efect din alte vieți. Nici o relație de a mea, fie platonică sau romantică, nu a existat fară a fi o lecție. Fie că eu sunt cea care învață sau cea care este învățată nu a contat, dar tot primeam ceva la schimb.

Recent, simt mai mult că am devenit persoană ce ghidează pe alții, și știu fiindcă aceste persoane le-am știut dinainte, în alte vieți.

O simt în inima, și întotdeauna am fost persoana care simte ce alții nu simt, vede ce alții ignora, știe ce alții nu știu. Pentru că nu este prima oara când sufletul meu a fost pe acest pământ. Fizic vorbim, sunt tânără, dar sufletul meu e bătrân ca timpul. În alte vieți, am călătorit pe alte planete, în alte galaxi, în lumi paralele. Așa că eu nu mă mir când în fiecare seară, stelele mă cheamă la ele. Mă simt de parcă sunt menită să mă reîntorc la stele, probabil acolo îmi este casa. Probabil că sunt o entitate complet de a lor.

Dar cu tine, simt ceva ce nu am mai simțit vreodată, în nici una dintre relațiile mele anterioare. Ceva ce mă strigă, nu pe nume, ci pe suflet. Ceva ce mă atrage din ce în ce mai puternic. Și îți mulțumesc. Îți mulțumesc enorm că îmi găzduiești sufletul. Pentru că cu fiecare zi ce trece, mă simt mai aproape și mai atrasă de tine. Și știu că în momentul în care voi fi la tine în brațe, mă voi simți acasă, de parcă sunt menită să fiu acolo. Așa că mai ai grijă de sufletul meu încă puțin, până când vin cu tot cu el să vin în sfârșit acasă, la tine.

Te iubesc enorm, dragostea mea dulce ❤️❤️

13/12/2019

[paradoxqueen]

I was born

With all the wisdom, anger and fury

Of all my ancestors before me

Their need to act

Deep in my veins.

Their fury at injustice

Rots me from within,

Leaving me all wits and beauty

And no consistence.

Should you cut me open,

You'll find my blood turned black

Oozing through my veins,

Curdled from the stillness

In my lack of reaction.

[paradoxqueen]

25 Reasons To Love You

If I could write down a list

For all the reasons you deserve to be loved

And admired,

Beloved,

This is it.

Because I don't think there are enough reasons

To not love you.

You are so fucking selfless

You care so deeply for those you let in

You are so smart

Your ambition can shatter competition

You put in so much effort

You try, god, do you try

You have been through so much shit and came out a successful queen

You are so resilient

Your intuition rivals my own

Your humour completely shatters me apart, I break from laughter

You are honest and sincere

You are understanding

You are a problem solver, the world is yours to shape

You are so kind, my love

You take people as they are

You are a joy to be around

You are the life of any situation

You are absolutely breathtaking

And so fucking fascinating

You are vulnerable and know it

Yet at the same time so beautifully strong, both physically and emotionally

You are humble

Yet pride yourself in your abilities

You don't lead me on or hurt me

You show me I am loved

[paradoxqueen]

I can't find words to express

What I feel

For you,

But you happen to read me so well,

Every fiber of my being

Responding only to you.

My body will speak long before I find the right words,

Telling you everything you need to know

And everything you do

To me

[paradoxqueen]

One day

You will forget about me

About my eyes

About my mind.

All that will remain,

Is a haunted figure

Roaming the hallways in your mind.

Formless, caressing the walls

And slamming doors.

All you will know

Is my wind swept hair

From behind.

One day

You will see me again

And walk past me

Unaware of who I am

And was

[paradoxqueen]

Sometimes I sit and wonder

What it must be like for my relatives

To see me every time I come back to my country.

What hides under their joy?

Under their relief to see me healthy?

Under all the pride to see me grow older?

Is it pity,

To see my exhaustion

From all the work I put in

That so visibly places itself under my eyes,

In my jaw,

In my shoulders,

Down my spine?

Is it guilt,

To see me as I've grown,

Knowing they will never have been by my side

And only seeing my progress in low quality pictures

And blurry home videos on my dad's camcorder?

Or is it the pain of watching a loved one rot and decay,

Of seeing the changes the new world has brought me,

The exhaustion of trying to integrate into a society

That would rather fetishize me and remove me

Than keep me here?

The young girl who used to smile and laugh,

Who used to talk to everyone and make friends easily,

Squeal and run as if immortal,

Is no longer here.

Now sitting in the corner of the family couch;

Hair tucked behind her ears, she puts on a polite smile,

An appropriate laugh,

Lost in her thoughts, barely listening,

A dead look in her eyes