You say nothing changed, but it is me who witnesses your anger, not you or your reflection
d e v o n

⁂
Xuebing Du

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@paradoxqueen
You say nothing changed, but it is me who witnesses your anger, not you or your reflection
Îți mulțumesc pentru sticla de vodcă.
M-ai dăruit-o cumva ca să te pot jeli când mă vei părăsi?
E tot ce mi-a rămas....
- Pentru fantoma mea
I'm haunting my own home again.
Aimlessly wandering,
I...
I..
I.
I don't know what I'm looking for
Maybe that last sliver of hope
That you didn't disappear forever,
Or maybe I'm filling up the silence
With my own footsteps and heavy breathing
My cheeks are still wet and heartbeat faltering
It's cold and alone without you
It has been this way for a while
I suppose i was just preparing my tomb by letting it freeze and rot and accumulate dust
I sleep like the dead
I look like a corpse
But my soul isn't here
Not now
Not anymore
I...
I..
I.
I'm haunting my own home again.
If you're gone, let me at least give my tomb life
I'm slamming doors and cupboards and wardrobes
I'm dropping pots and pans
I'm smashing mugs and cups
I'm caressing the walls to find trace of life
I'm possessing my own mirror
I'm haunting my own home again.
If you can't be here, my ghost is
Surrounded by shattered hopes, shattered gifts, shattered soul
The dust bunnies clog up the emptiness inside
I...
I..
I.
I'm haunting my own home.
All I wanted with you
Was a cup of tea
And a chat....
A friendly chat, just you and me,
Or a dinner
Or a coffee.
So i could finally muster up the courage to finally open up with you more,
Because I'm not as talkative as you think I am;
I'm shy and selectively mute half the time.
Well, you came alright.
You came for the tea
And nothing else.
Tea with me
In my humble abode.
And instead violently smashed at me outside my own hearth
With words I'll never forget.
Words that you can afford to not remember.
Words that haunt me still
I feel I don't belong here
And this is how I know
For every time I look up at the sky
The stars call and beckon me home.
And if you haven't realised,
Don't worry, I'll let you know.
For as much as they may call and beg,
I know I can never go.
At the end of the day
All that matters
Is who you trust and want enough
To have a forever with.
My forever
Is with her;
She holds my forever in her arms,
Which lovingly cradle me,
In her hands,
Which uphold and caress me,
Her lips,
Which kiss away my fears and tell me how much she loves me,
Her mind,
Filled with secrets and her beautiful personality
Her heart,
Which feels so deeply and is so kind,
And mostly,
Her soul,
Which envelops mine
And brings me to tears,
Tears of missing her
Tears of loving her
Tears of cherishing her.
So If you read this
I am ever so thankful baby,
And one question needs an answer;
Would you be my forever
And will you marry me?
There is one person,
And only one person,
Whom I love as deeply as I can.
One person I wish to give my all to;
One person I wish to love,
Now and evermore
I wanted
My own little aesthetic
My own self ingrained in perfection
My own being to have its own quirks
So that one may recognise me
Randomly when seeing something
That perhaps represents me.
I question often
How others see me
If I have any defining traits
Or if I simply fade into the background
As I tend to; stay quiet, uninvolved.
Am I still seen,
Despite my introvertedness,
Am I still something that can be pinpointed?
Is there anything that sets me apart, even through all my silence?
Every day,
I see the person I hate most in my life,
And every day,
I have to dissuade myself
From this compelling urge
To end them
As they have once
Ended me
- I am allowed to be cruel and unforgiving -
Her love is gentle, intimate personal.
Her love is popping blackheads and sharing the shower cabin,
Steam rising and painting the glass door.
Her love is peppering kisses all over her face
And licking her cheek when she does the same in return.
Her love is playing hide and seek on the way home,
hiding behind buildings
And calming each other down when the fear of loss hits.
Our love is apologies in the middle of the pavement
And holding each other tight after a nightmare,
Smoking cigarettes on hotel terraces while confessing fears about the future.
Our love is crying for hours, days on end,
When the reality that our time together is up
(Temporarily)
Tears falling at the train station
and empty wagons filled with the sounds of my heavy breathing
Until I next see her.
Our love
Is the late nights that remain unslept,
The cigarette smoke at 4 am
the taste of mint deep in your throat
your hand on my hip and your lips grazing my temples.
It is the warmth I feel from your hoodie
Under my sweater and over your shirt,
The marks on my neck from our nights together,
And city lights reflected in the river.
Our love is smiles and laughter from our stupid jokes,
and judging old shows on shitty tv channels.
Most of all,
Our love is the ring on my finger,
Silver, with a soft, white opal,
And your mirror of silver with a black band;
Our promises to each other,
Our symbol,
Our reflection of love in the distance
Leaving her felt like being punched in the lungs;
Sudden, unexpected, breathtaking.
The first ten minutes of having left her at the station,
My mind was reeling.
I left, she stayed.
I wanted so badly to run back to her,
Give a big 'fuck you' to everyone and go back to her
Because 6 weeks felt like too long a time
To wait for her
To get the chance to come back to me.
Six
Weeks.
The first time I woke up without her
(since she had some business that morning)
Was the first time I had woken up alone
And felt my soul leave my body.
Now,
Having left her in the train station,
I feel as if I'm falling
And falling
And falling
Lower into the depths of depression.
The first night without her,
Will be the night I mourn her like the dead
And wake up
Howling and weeping
For my angel in my arms
Iubirea mea dulce, dragostea mea,
De când mă știu eu pe mine, am avut intuiția asta care îmi ghidează sufletul, care mă ghidează spre persoane care au un impact în viața mea.
Și oricât de atractivă ar fii o persoană, sufletul mă ghidează spre relații care au un efect din alte vieți. Nici o relație de a mea, fie platonică sau romantică, nu a existat fară a fi o lecție. Fie că eu sunt cea care învață sau cea care este învățată nu a contat, dar tot primeam ceva la schimb.
Recent, simt mai mult că am devenit persoană ce ghidează pe alții, și știu fiindcă aceste persoane le-am știut dinainte, în alte vieți.
O simt în inima, și întotdeauna am fost persoana care simte ce alții nu simt, vede ce alții ignora, știe ce alții nu știu. Pentru că nu este prima oara când sufletul meu a fost pe acest pământ. Fizic vorbim, sunt tânără, dar sufletul meu e bătrân ca timpul. În alte vieți, am călătorit pe alte planete, în alte galaxi, în lumi paralele. Așa că eu nu mă mir când în fiecare seară, stelele mă cheamă la ele. Mă simt de parcă sunt menită să mă reîntorc la stele, probabil acolo îmi este casa. Probabil că sunt o entitate complet de a lor.
Dar cu tine, simt ceva ce nu am mai simțit vreodată, în nici una dintre relațiile mele anterioare. Ceva ce mă strigă, nu pe nume, ci pe suflet. Ceva ce mă atrage din ce în ce mai puternic. Și îți mulțumesc. Îți mulțumesc enorm că îmi găzduiești sufletul. Pentru că cu fiecare zi ce trece, mă simt mai aproape și mai atrasă de tine. Și știu că în momentul în care voi fi la tine în brațe, mă voi simți acasă, de parcă sunt menită să fiu acolo. Așa că mai ai grijă de sufletul meu încă puțin, până când vin cu tot cu el să vin în sfârșit acasă, la tine.
Te iubesc enorm, dragostea mea dulce ❤️❤️
13/12/2019
I was born
With all the wisdom, anger and fury
Of all my ancestors before me
Their need to act
Deep in my veins.
Their fury at injustice
Rots me from within,
Leaving me all wits and beauty
And no consistence.
Should you cut me open,
You'll find my blood turned black
Oozing through my veins,
Curdled from the stillness
In my lack of reaction.
25 Reasons To Love You
If I could write down a list
For all the reasons you deserve to be loved
And admired,
Beloved,
This is it.
Because I don't think there are enough reasons
To not love you.
You are so fucking selfless
You care so deeply for those you let in
You are so smart
Your ambition can shatter competition
You put in so much effort
You try, god, do you try
You have been through so much shit and came out a successful queen
You are so resilient
Your intuition rivals my own
Your humour completely shatters me apart, I break from laughter
You are honest and sincere
You are understanding
You are a problem solver, the world is yours to shape
You are so kind, my love
You take people as they are
You are a joy to be around
You are the life of any situation
You are absolutely breathtaking
And so fucking fascinating
You are vulnerable and know it
Yet at the same time so beautifully strong, both physically and emotionally
You are humble
Yet pride yourself in your abilities
You don't lead me on or hurt me
You show me I am loved
I can't find words to express
What I feel
For you,
But you happen to read me so well,
Every fiber of my being
Responding only to you.
My body will speak long before I find the right words,
Telling you everything you need to know
And everything you do
To me
One day
You will forget about me
About my eyes
About my mind.
All that will remain,
Is a haunted figure
Roaming the hallways in your mind.
Formless, caressing the walls
And slamming doors.
All you will know
Is my wind swept hair
From behind.
One day
You will see me again
And walk past me
Unaware of who I am
And was
Sometimes I sit and wonder
What it must be like for my relatives
To see me every time I come back to my country.
What hides under their joy?
Under their relief to see me healthy?
Under all the pride to see me grow older?
Is it pity,
To see my exhaustion
From all the work I put in
That so visibly places itself under my eyes,
In my jaw,
In my shoulders,
Down my spine?
Is it guilt,
To see me as I've grown,
Knowing they will never have been by my side
And only seeing my progress in low quality pictures
And blurry home videos on my dad's camcorder?
Or is it the pain of watching a loved one rot and decay,
Of seeing the changes the new world has brought me,
The exhaustion of trying to integrate into a society
That would rather fetishize me and remove me
Than keep me here?
The young girl who used to smile and laugh,
Who used to talk to everyone and make friends easily,
Squeal and run as if immortal,
Is no longer here.
Now sitting in the corner of the family couch;
Hair tucked behind her ears, she puts on a polite smile,
An appropriate laugh,
Lost in her thoughts, barely listening,
A dead look in her eyes