Paralyyzed

[paralyyzed]

I love you all ways. always.

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I’ll be okay.

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It’s you; It has been you and it always will be you.

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Down bad? Nah I’m down sad.

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I’m always thinking about you

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my heart aches.

It yearns for you.

let me kiss you already

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Keep me close and I’ll always be yours.

Let me stay by your side.

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can’t sleep

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Holding you tightly in my arms keeping you close to my heart because I don’t want you to leave again. I won’t let you slip through the cracks of my fingers.

It’s crazy to think that half a decade ago I was in a completely different city with completely different friends yet here I lay in bed thinking about the same girl with feelings that I’ve had before.

I’ve made up my mind you’re the one I want to be with. I’m not going to lose you.

Not today not again. Never.

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I don’t understand how you can be so adorably cute yet so fucking hot but I’m eternally grateful ♡

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I don’t know anymore and it scares the shit out of me.

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Three little words

It’s crazy how important words can be; their weight exemplified especially from who it’s being said by.

These three little words is all I’ve ever wanted to hear from you.. Yet as much as I hope for the day I hear you utter them to me it also feels like I’m delusional and that I’ve lost all rational thought..

I think I’ve gone mad. I don’t even know anymore.. Do you still wonder about me? Do I ever cross your mind? Do we even have a chance?

What am I even doing.. yelling into the dark void not knowing if I’ll actually get a response or a sign that you’ve read this.

I’ve been aching a lot and so much is changing around me that I don’t know how I’ve kept myself together.

You live in my mind rent free and it’s driving me crazy.

But if you told me to live with you I’d go in a heartbeat, bags at the ready and to fall in love with you all over again..

Or am I a fool who stares at the moon wishing for something that’s so far out of my reach that it’s lost and gone.

I don’t know what to believe anymore.. bring me genies, santa claus or even god himself because at this point I’ll believe in anything.

I miss you.

[paralyyzed]

Since people are not hearing what I’m saying so I’ll try and make it clearer since it might have gotten lost in the large text post.

There will be a piece of me that’ll always love her, no doubt of that but I’m not the one for her. The one that’s “destined” to walk down the isles and be the reason she smiles each day.

I was necessary stepping stone towards who truely will treat her right and honestly after the years of beating myself up about not being good enough or crying/depressed because I’m not with her or angry that I could have tried more etc. It hurts to say this but it’s okay.

I want her to be happy the same as all those who came before her but she definitely left the biggest mark/impression on me, but not only that but she’s made me appreciate things more, changed my outlook, you did a lot of good too.

Am I happy? Idk but there are definitely more days when I am not sad. Days I’m of the house and being productive instead of hating myself, being upset/self-disruptive.

So please don’t feel like what’s going on with you now is punishment because I felt that exact way too. To have somebody you love so much that you could see being with the end of your life just to let you go and break you.

I truely love you Sae.

But I love you enough to see that you deserve more than me or Jeramy or Thomas or who ever has you let you down.

Maybe I’ll meet the final guy that we all accumulated toward with you wrapped around his arm and see you ligh up with joy as you look upon him and I’ll truely be happy for the both of you. I’ll even send you wedding gift.

Ive gotten to the point where instead wanted it to be me that makes you happy...

I want nothing else but to see you happy.

Even if I’m not the one.

I’ve accepted it.

I still haven’t tried bingsu.. maybe one day we can that shave couple things off that bucket list but as friends.

Wish you to be happy.

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For somebody who isn’t mine you spend of a lot of time occupying in my head.

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I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you.

There will always be a part of me that’s yours.

Maybe the reason why I can’t get over you is because deep down I don’t want to.

Because that would truely be the end of us and I’m terrified.

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It hurts too much.

Everything is on fire. Blazing and crashing on top of me and I can’t help but stare as it comes crashing down, comsuming anything it touches. It hurts to breath that you’re not with me even if it’s been literally years but I can’t, it still pains me to this day and the fact that I’m just a name that you’ll be haunted with or a time period you you want to forget. it hurts.

But it hurts more because he should have done better. He should have given you another chance because you know I would have jumped to be in his position. I remind you I’m not upset because it not me I’m sad because you deserve the best.

You deserve to be happy.

I want you to be happy with some guy who treats you right. who makes you smile. who makes you want to get out of bed and not rest untill he’s laying next to you.

Do all the things I couldn’t and so much more.

I need to get over myself, I’m so pathetic I’m paralysed to even press send. The amount of times I’ve deleted the messages that should have been send or the paragraphs of what could have been.

I don’t know which is scarier that you won’t say anything or that you’ll reply.

Idk. I’m still trying to figure this out. Walking in the cold empty roads around 2am it’s somewhat comforting maybe it’s the warm glow between my fingers that make me believe that I can one day have control over something so wild and eluring but at least it helps me suppress melting under the heat, drowning under the pressure and being powerless.

I truly wytbh.

[paralyyzed]

We forget that we’re mortal, doing such reakless things with our short life’s it’s remarkable how we can create something so special then it be taken away at an instant.

Maybe thats why we do such crazy things to have a exciting short life than a long life that wasnt lived.

Live without regrets.