[elletheroyal]

Lessons from my Hypergamous Sister 💕

I've spoken about my sister a bit on this blog but for a more formal introduction, she is a 26-year-old graduate student working in Boston. More importantly, she is the quintessential hypergamous woman. While I don't agree with all of her tips, I do think they're all valuable so without further ado, here are some of her top lessons on dating very wealthy and very well-to-do men:

Assume he just wants to sleep with you.

As I've mentioned before, my sister is drop-dead gorgeous and as a result, she attracts a lot of men. And if there's one thing she's learned, it's that the majority of the men you meet will only show you the amount of affection that you require to let them into your bed. She's actually come up with a statistic on the matter (I'm not a professional. She's not a professional. Take it or leave it): 7/10 men will leave once they realize that they have to develop a relationship with you to have sex. I've asked my brothers, my male friends, their male friends, and my male classmates (great way to break the ice during a study session) and they've all pretty much confirmed the same thing: Most of the time when they meet a girl, all they want from her is sex. They don't care about a relationship until they actually get to know her, but most of the time (approximately 7 out of every 10 times), they don't want to go through the effort of actually pursuing a relationship. So once they realize she's not down to have sex early on, they move on to the next. Yes, this way of thinking is a bit crude, but to my sister, it's actually a bit encouraging. Why? Because when she meets a guy, she assumes he just wants to have sex with her which allows her to maintain a clear headspace. And there will be no butterflies in the stomach, no ruminating with friends, no future planning, and NO feelings until she is 100% sure he wants a relationship and not just sex.

Avoid competitive friends.

Because when it comes down to it, they won't offer you the unconditional support you need when life gets tough. Being a hypergamous woman isn't just about dating rich men, it's also about having a network of incredible people to support you and your romantic endeavors. My sister has had the same friends since she was a freshman in boarding school because she trusts them and understands that there's no weird sense of competition between her and them. She refuses to make a new set of close friends and honestly, I can't blame her because I've found that so many accomplished women out there are not actually all that supportive. In fact, many of them are only successful because they're deeply insecure and feel the need to do "great" things just to gain a sense of self-worth. I've finally stopped being stubborn and started taking her advice and as a result, I now have a group of friends that I'm in love with because despite us all killing it in our own right, we are genuinely delighted when one of us succeeds. My best friends are working at Google, Goldman Sachs, and JP Morgan and when we're all living together post-graduation, you better believe there's not going to be any air of jealousy in our household. If I had settled for a group of competitive friends who felt the need to kick each other down for the sake of securing a guy or an opportunity, I would be miles behind the curve both in life and in dating.

Make an effort to stand out.

My sister and I go out all the time and every single time we do, she’s very quick to point out how “all the fucking girls in this club look exactly the same, and yet they expect men to notice them.” She has a point. Next time you go to a nice restaurant or club, look around at the girls. Odds are they will all have their hair vaguely styled the same way (the sleek buns have got to be retired), they will be wearing the same kinds of outfits, and they will all probably have on the exact same makeup look. And when you’re in a setting in which you actually want to stand out in a good way, doing so is virtually impossible if you don’t make an effort to switch it up. Yes, my sister loves long sleek hair and little black dresses and all that, but she also knows that if she puts together the same look every time she goes out, she’ll just fade into the crowd. Our signature move when in Boston is to force one of our brothers to go to an event super early, scope it out, then report back to us exactly what the girls are looking like so we can find ways to contrast (one-up) them. And standing out doesn’t have to be anything severe. You can easily stand out by putting a pin on one of your dresses or little pearl clips in your hair or wearing a unique purse—basically just by adding an accessory that someone can look at, scratch their head a bit, then approach you to comment on.

Date for your own personal gain.

I’ve always been a fan of the “don’t shit where you eat” style of dating but according to my sister, that kind of discretion is silly and outdated. She loves dating men who are in close proximity to her. She’s dated coworkers, friends of bosses, siblings of friends, and even professors at her graduate school. She's also dated men because they had great connections that she wanted, had nice beach houses in South Hampton, and (my favorite) because they were set to inherit a fuck ton of money once their grandparents passed away. Why? Because in return for her affection, they can help her in a myriad of ways. When she first started her most recent job, she immediately began dating one of the doctors on her floor so he could give her all the important information about her boss and her coworkers. To my sister, a man isn't worth it unless he can move you forward whether in your career, personal life, social life, or educational life. So when trying to figure out who to date next, don't be afraid to consider what boxes the men in your periphery may be able to check off for you.

"Be the sun".

This one was tough for me to grapple with because I like to be coy and silly and controversial on dates because that's the kind of person I am. However, my sister has really instilled in me the value of being ultra-sweet and bubbly around men. It's an unfortunate fact that many men view Black women as intimidating and so my sister works to counter these perceptions by being as open and bright as possible around them. Specifically, she tries to "be the sun", AKA serve as the light in a man's life. When with her man she's always smiling, giggling, rubbing his arm reassuringly, and giving doe eyes. Her number one agenda around men is to make them feel amazing in her presence and it works wonders. She's taught me that above all, men in relationships want to be seen as heroes in the eyes of their partners. So if you use subtle body language to make him feel like you actually appreciate him and see him as your knight in shining armor every time he does something right, he will work his ass off to keep you happy.

You don't have to do it alone.

My sister is very keen on asking for dating advice. Specifically, she asks for advice on everything. She's had me sit in on phone calls so I could listen to a man's tone, she's had me send endless texts on her behalf, and she calls me nearly every day to talk about whichever men she's dating. Despite me being a virgin and not having all that much serious dating experience, she knows I'm Miss I-can-manipulate-any-man-to-fall-in-love-within-5-minutes so she asks me for advice on the things I do know about dating. She also has girlfriends for sex tips and all that as well because frankly, she knows she doesn't have to go through the challenge of dating all on her own. Why solely rely on your own intuition when there are people who can help guide you? So when your man starts sending you weird texts, when you get an icky feeling after he brings up his female coworker, or when you simply don't know what to wear for date night, ask for advice! There's no need to suffer in silence.

Always maintain a roster.

Because according to my sister, it’s silly to waste up to years of your life on a single man who can up and leave you without a moment's notice. Having a roster and keeping her options wide open is essential when it comes to dating. She always has a “main man” that she spends most of her time with (currently it’s a very attractive consultant who’s getting his MBA at Harvard and is absolutely obsessed with her) and then a few other guys that can replace him if things go south (currently they're a GORGEOUS French rugby player and a British investment banker who’s kind of an ass but also has a huge penthouse overlooking the city so who am I to judge?). When I asked her if she ever felt guilty for technically cheating on her more serious boyfriend, she was very quick to tell me absolutely not. And her logic makes perfect sense: she’s stunning, she’s in her mid-20s, and she plans on getting married within the next 5 years. She has no time to waste. At the end of the day, if she ends up alone because she wasted time with men who weren’t serious about her, she’ll be the one dealing with the consequences. So if putting herself first means juggling a few guys and breaking a few hearts, so be it. Men do it all the time.

Lovingly,

Elle

[elletheroyal]

More boarding school lessons?

Here are 3 more :)

1. Don't ever lie about who you are or what you know.

Because you WILL get caught and it won't be pretty. I learned this very early on in my boarding school days when my good friend (also Black, Haitian, not from old money) was completely cut out of our group for committing this cardinal sin. We were all talking about how much we love going to Nantucket and she got a bit too comfortable making statements about the island that weren't adding up. Eventually, someone in the group simply asked her "how do you like getting to Nantucket?". Unfortunately, my friend (who was very apt to measure up and pretend she'd summered there frequently) said "I usually drive there". Now, for those of you who don't know, you cannot drive to Nantucket because it is surrounded by a body of water and there is no bridge. Well, that was all she had to say. She was immediately deemed a liar and a fake and all of our friends dropped her. So the moral of the story is: never ever lie about your background, the places you've been to, or the people you know. It's a very small world and honest to God, everyone somehow knows everyone in these crowds. It's best to just be honest about who you are and where you come from. Personally, I have no qualms about telling people I'm the child of an immigrant whose parents were not in fact doctors, socialites, or lawyers, but instead a janitor and a maid. Why would I try to fake my way through life? I'm proud of my background and I'm people respect me for it.

2. Cut corners when you can.

I know this is a hot take, but hear me out. When you go to a boarding school that demands you stay up until around 2 AM every night just to get all your work done, it's pretty hard to resist the urge to cut corners. And after a while, you become pretty good at it. During my time at boarding school, I learned how to explain a book extremely eloquently while having only skimmed the first 2 pages of every chapter, I learned to take 5-minute naps in a bathroom, I learned to make my voice sound incredibly hoarse to get out of talking in class, and I learned how to bullshit my way out of almost everything. And honestly? I'm a better person for it. I'm EXTREMELY effective when it comes to college work, I have a 4.0 GPA, all my teachers love me, AND I sleep 8 hours per night and have never once stressed out about an assignment. During my internships, I've gotten out of doing a fuck ton of work by coming up with the perfect lies and telling people what they wanted to hear (like that time seamlessly skipped the last two weeks of my investment banking sophomore internship because I got invited to Dubai last minute). Trust me when I say that most of the time, it's best to take the path of least resistance and do less to get more out of life. So before taking on any task, ask yourself how you can make it easier. Or even better, how you can avoid it altogether.

3. Use your connections to your advantage.

In fact, use your connections for everything. One thing I learned from boarding school is that you don't really need to know how to figure anything out for yourself as long as you know the right people. When I first arrived, I was shocked by how easy it was to get my foot into certain doors just by having simple conversations. If I wanted to go to Jupiter Island, all I had to do was tell my friend and her parents would give me an entire list of houses I could stay at. If I wanted to learn about Law, all I had to do was another friend and I could get a list of 100 different lawyers to shadow. Just last week I was at an alumni reception with my mother (the QUEEN of using connections to her advantage) and we spoke to a man who's the VP of a huge commercial real estate firm. Well, the second she learned that fact, she casually said "You know you have to get my daughter an apartment before she moves to the city in a few months" and he casually responded, "Of course I do. Call me in a couple weeks and I'll get that taken care of". So don't be afraid to use your connections! Why stumble through life trying to figure everything out on your own when you can put yourself out there, meet some people, and have them figure your problems out for you? Again, choose the path of least resistance.

Lovingly,

Elle

[tomb-of-ligeia-deactivated20230]

something on your mind?

I’ve been thinking about this since last night (2021).

A lot of women don’t understand that most of the women of their ethnicity who have made it into super super high class and high society circles are considered palatable and, while their palatability doesn’t tend to outweigh their ethnicity, they’re considered to be one of the good ones and people think of them as safe. This is a huge thing and it’s something everyone should know, if you’re anything other than white then there will always be an undercurrent and microaggressions unless you’ve grown up with the people who are already established as fixtures in these circles, if you can compete with them or have more than them, they’ll fall over themselves to be your friend and act like they’re in love with you just so you keep them company and stay with them. There’s a huge desire and a desperate need for people to stay, they want women of colour for status and for photos and to seem like you’re the best of friends and these people don’t let others leave them too easily because once you’re in, you have to stay in.

Once enough money enters the mix, people become absolutely delusional. I’m specifically speaking about people who have inherited money or who have rich parents/trust funds, who grew up sheltered and going to private schools. These people make up the vast majority of high high society and they’re some of the worst people in the world to deal with unless you’re palatable, I’ve heard so much from these people and it’s never shocking to me. I remember sitting with a friend of mine and having another girl turn to her and say something along the lines of “I’m so happy that you’re here with us, I used to think that black people were scary and on welfare and smoked weed all day long but then I met you and I knew you weren’t like that”, this girl was completely sober and she meant every word. There’s a certain level of delusion that’s needed and there’s a certain level of pandering and palatability that’s needed to maintain the illusion of safety and security that most white women enjoy.

I used to get it all the time and I still hear it all the time now that I’m known and there’s not much to say about me because people want me around. During the first lockdown of the coronavirus, a bunch of my former acquaintances asked me to quarantine with them and then told me that it was totally alright if I came because I was the right sort of Asian, Chinese people had now been proven to be dirty and disease ridden, I asked them how they knew I wasn’t Chinese and they told me it was because I was “nice”. I’ve sat with people who have major familial shares in LVMH and other major companies and they’ve had no issues outright saying that they market mainly to western and Asian markets because they do not want black people wearing their products, it’s happened with Chanel and Hermès hiking their prices up to be unattainable to most, Louboutin saying that he was “vaguely horrified” seeing his shoes on some people right after Bodak Yellow became big (read between the lines), Cristal proving that they’re truly French by having no issue making racist remarks, and I’ve known so many other people who have little fun side businesses where they make sure to discriminate with a strict iron hand.

Back to that palatability, I see it all the time and I’m very guilty of making myself more palatable and less aggressive in order to fit into most situations, I have been doing this for years and working on how to refine myself to the point where I’m invisible, I’m in the seams, and I’m fully in. My idea of palatability is going to be a lot different because of my background and my ethnicity but I still have to tone down, dress in a very certain way, and espouse very certain beliefs. I’m the one who’s looked at to give the “Asian opinion” on most subjects concerning Asia, when Hong Kong was in the news and democracy was at stake, I was made into a political pundit and I was supposed to reassure the feelings of white men who couldn’t possibly begin to grasp Asian politics and how greatly they differ from American politics, I have nothing to do with China or Hong Kong but it was safe to ask me because of my race and because I made sure to never appear angry. To be a woman who is anything other than white in these circles is to play so many roles: therapist, lover, planner, caretaker, and so many others. You’re literally doing all you can to make friends and connections and work your way up the most difficult of ladders until you finally meet the right people and you’re able to relax because you’ve been accepted by their underlings and made it into the group, it can be exhausting at some times and I completely see where the pressure is coming from for a lot of women because it’s hard not being considered an equal or a real woman at first.

I don’t have beef with anyone who decides to make themselves more palatable and profit, I don’t have beef with how my friends decide to live their lives, and I don’t have beef with how hard it can be. I know how hard it can be and so I’m trying to say that it has been hard even for me at some points and I’m pale and I have a good background in Japan, I came to the west and was immediately thrown to the rats, I was young and it severely effected how I see things sometimes, and I have experienced the absolute delusion in high society and high class circles and have for years. I went on a date when I was 18 with a man who’d had family in the war and family in the pacific theatre and he took me up to his study, took out a box, and pulled out the skull and bayonet of some Japanese soldier just to show me for fun, I obviously didn’t know this soldier but it was the action that just screamed “now you know that my grandfather killed your people but look at how accepting I am for taking you out and wanting to pursue you”. I have so many black friends who are struggling to find their place and where to fit in but are running into the issue of palatability, I’ve sat at tables where men address other men in conversations by the n-word or by chink or yellow face or pull their eyes up and make grotesque faces but are sure to point at us to tell us that they’re not speaking about us, just our less palatable skinfolk who they’ve come to despise lately.

I have a friend who is very very far right, like she’s Candace Owens Farmer but more extreme and she has no problem climbing the ladder, making it into circles, meeting men, and being accepted because she is more than happy and more than willing to espouse and then encourage their beliefs, she has a very specific look and presents herself in a way that men and women love, and she’s settled in a place where people will not let her leave because she’s “one of the good ones” and they know that they’ll never be accused of anything like racism or being unkind because they can pull her out and let her do her spiel. I have a Japanese friend who’s more than willing to do the same thing, she’s been at the top of Japanese society and recently got engaged to a man who’s very affluent and she’s got no issues with going full Rising Sun, Far Right Nationalist, Emperor Hirohito, Return to Tradition on the daily with her people. I knew her when she was home in Kyoto and listening to K-Pop, I don’t know her now that she’s made it clear that she, just like her mother and her grandmother before her, now believes that Koreans are ethnic subhumans compared to the Japanese and that the Japanese way of life has begun collapsing now that we’ve westernised and forgotten our traditions and ways of life that we stood by in the years of old. I know so many women who have become extreme in order to fit in with monied groups and get what they want, some of them are putting on an act and some are not.

What I’m trying to say is that palatability is more than just straightening your hair, making your accent more posh or dialling it up to sound more foreign but the proper sort of foreign so people want to be you or are jealous of you, changing your style so that you fit in, making up a backstory that no one can question, and entering circles, you can get lost very quickly when you weren’t meant to fit in in the first place and it’s hard to adapt when you would be excluded any other way. It’s harmful when some people think of you as “one of the good ones” and then the people who you’re used to or who you grew up around think of you as changed or too uppity or like you’ve gotten too good for them. It can be extremely difficult to live between two worlds and have to suppress yourself for one of them, it can be impossible to deal with women who become more than obsessed with you and end up wanting to be you because you’re what they want (I could speak on that one forever and I’ve got a whole plethora of stories I could tell), and it can be extremely hard to deal with outright hostility from people who look just like you when you’re just starting out and you’re trying to get your foot in the door or enter new situations. Some things aren’t as easy as they seem and entering high society is a struggle that takes ages if you don’t know how to go in and do it properly, if you don’t make an effort, and if you don’t know how to pander to people.

LG.

[traditionally-linsi]

Social Relations.

It’s not always what you know, sometimes life depends on who you know. I think that far too many women focus on men in one social group when what they should be doing is getting to know as many people as they can and then going from there. If you’re only interested in investment bankers and you find it hard to met quality men in IB then you need to widen your circle and cast your net in a wider area. If I was a woman who wanted to marry soon and I was having difficulties finding a man who was up to my standards then I’d spend my time meeting men in tech, IB, dentistry and medicine, business, banking, and whatever other professions interest me and I’d befriend them and see how socialising with them benefitted me. I wouldn’t engage in any social situations or activities that felt like chores and I’d make sure that my boundaries were clear, I’d make sure that I felt safe, and I’d make sure that I put my feelings first. Working on expanding your social circle and meeting men who you wouldn’t necessarily be interested in is one of the best things you could do for yourself and it’ll make it much easier to find a good boyfriend because good men tend to have good friends in need of love.

Recruitment.

This one is for the girls and it needs to be understood. Every girl needs a solid group of girlfriends who she can lean on and trust and it’s paramount to your growth to have genuine friends who both support you and care for you and your well-being. I like to joke around and say that my girlfriends are the girls who I’ve spent my time recruiting to support my cause and vetting to make sure they’re safe and I would do almost anything for them. If you’re going out in a big city, you’re going to want to have friends to go out with and those friends need to be the sort of women who you trust and love. Too many young women think that the opportunities that they think they should have are being stolen by other women and they think that they’re in a constant competition but the truth of the matter is that a lack of self confidence is what’s killing their chances, not other women. I believe in being a girl’s girl and having girlfriends and it’s important to think about how you’d like to live your life, it’s a green flag to be able to carry on friendships with other women, and I have to say that some of the best friendships begin with women who understand you.

Social Media.

If a woman desires to level up and she’s depending on Instagram to help her along her journey, her instagram needs to have a theme, it needs to be cleaned up, and it needs to be put together. Your Instagram is often times going to be the first way that a man meets you and you don’t want his first impression of you to be messy. I wouldn’t want a man to go onto my instagram page and immediately see messy pictures of me, selfies that aren’t flattering, photos of myself in situations I wouldn’t necessarily be proud of, and a bunch of tired photos. I’d start cleaning up my instagram and posing photos of myself that I enjoy, I’d start posting cute photos on my stories for my highlights, and I’d make my instagram a place that was very obviously a reflection of who I believe myself to be as a person but I’d polish it up to perfection. Social Media is always going to be an idealised version of our lives, it doesn’t really translate over into the real world, and so I believe that social media should be used to show our lives in a much more flattering light. One of the first things I tell my friends who come to me for relationship advice is that the way they present themselves on social media isn’t ideal and a man who’s deeply invested in his career isn’t going to go to their profiles, see their photos, and then want to engage with them if they see photos that they could perceive as childish or risky. Mature men like mature women and you don’t want to be seen as messy or immature.

Branding/Personality.

No man wants to be with a woman who doesn’t know who she is and who isn’t put together and no woman wants to go into a serious relationship, get dumped, and then end up as some man’s manic pixie dream girl or exotic experience. One of the best things you can do for yourself is have a clear view of both who you are and who you want to be and the best course of action you could take is taking those views and then slowly building off of the so you can become that woman. You don’t need to be a supermodel to find yourself a good relationship and settle down; half of the equation to being beautiful is being confident, being put together and presentable, and having good communication skills and good relationships. If you are having issues with men and you find that you’re losing who you are, I’d step back and work on your issues until you’ve come to a point of peace within yourself and you know what path you’d like to take. Too many women focus on their outward beauty when what they should be focusing on is how they brand themselves and what their personality is and that’s a killer. Some men will marry for beauty alone but those same men will lose interest if a woman’s personality isn’t up to par or if she has trouble playing nice with others. Your branding and personality are going to be a key part of how much success you have and you’re going to want to spend quite a bit of time working on both yourself and the way that you present yourself to men and to the world.

Linsi <3

[tomb-of-ligeia-deactivated20230]

usual ‘do everything’ get ready routine?

thirty minutes of coconut oil pulling to cleanse my mouth, clean my tongue, help with whitening my teeth, and help with maintaining a healthy and clean mouth.

my extended skincare routine so that I can start my week off with a clean and smooth face and avoid any of the acne I sometimes get from lack of sleep or stress.

intense teeth whitening to keep my smile nice and presentable and to keep my teeth the same colour.

hair dye and a hair masque because I want my hair to be night black again but I also want it to be healthy.

a face and chest masque to avoid getting any chest acne and to hydrate and soothe my face and cleavage.

a lip masque and lip exfoliation to take the dead skin off of my lips and to make my lips look much nicer.

dry brushing my entire body to get my circulation going and to remove some of the dead skin that I have.

exfoliating my entire body with a sugar scrub to get rid of the rest of the dead skin and make my body glow.

using my topicals treatments and pfb vanish to fade any dark spots and make my skin glow with health.

using glycolic acid on my underarms to rid myself of any body odour and to prevent any smell from sweat.

slathering myself in heavy moisturiser to keep my body nice and moistures and to prevent any sort of itching.

doing a jelly foot scrub and exfoliating my feet to make them look nice when I’m barefoot and feel super soft.

drenching myself in vitamin e oil to further moisturise my skin and to help fade some of my older scarring.

touching up my fingernails and toenails because I hate having old mani-pedis and I love a brand new gel set.

doing a cold saline rinse on my eyes to help them relax and clean them after wearing contacts for a full week.

tinting and then styling my eyelashes because I love a little lift and because I love how they look afterwards.

steaming and cold rinsing my feminine areas just because I like them to feel refreshed and rejuvenated.

taking all of my nighttime supplements and refilling the container I have for all of my daytime supplements.

stretching and releasing the tension from my body and usually doing about ten or fifteen mins of light pilates.

[tomb-of-ligeia-deactivated20230]

Can you level up through alumnae initiation in New York City or is it still hard to break into the scene? I know NYC is a who you know, not how much you can pay city.

I’m just going to use an example of someone I know who did this with relative ease, a lot of legwork, some communication, a solid plan, and knowing how to talk.

One of my good friends moved from the Midwest in order to live in NYC, she’d been living in the middle of nowhere and wanted out of that lifestyle so NYC felt like the obvious choice for her because the city is huge.

I’m not going to go into the details of her finding a place and all that because they don’t matter but her goal was to make a name for herself and get a man so that she could start settling down and living the life she wanted but she knew she had to work for it. She’s lovely to talk to but she doesn’t have the face but that doesn’t matter, she’s amazing to talk to and people tend to love her and want to spend their time with her.

She saw what I was able to do and decided to research the AI process for the available sororities instead of asking me (my sorority rarely, if ever, does AI) and she decided to start making a list of contenders. She knew that there were two choices in the city and she read up on both of the sororities and decided to choose the one that did not have a NYC founding chapter but had better roots throughout the Midwest, the South, and the West Coast. She wanted to start off with Alpha Chi.

Alpha Chi supports victims of domestic violence, they’ve been encouraging AI since the 1800s and really include their AI members, she liked their goals and felt like she was at home, she was thinking of going to Columbia for grad school after a while and she loved that there was an Alpha Chi chapter there, and she liked that Alpha Chi is an extremely well established sorority with a strong presence throughout the USA.

It took her four months from start to finish to do AI and she was initiated as a member but, during those three months, she got to talking and meeting women in positions of power and she started making a lot of very important connections. She wanted to attend the New York Junior League Winter Ball and she met a woman who was very active in Alpha Chi and got her into the Junior League and on one of NYJL committees and she wanted to go to the Met Gala and she met a woman who was heavily involved with the Met who let her start coming along and sitting in on meetings with her as a good sister/friend and needed helper. She wasn’t able to go to the gala but she went to the after party as a guest and decided the scene wasn’t for her.

She joined up and then immediately started making connections to women who knew higher ups or who were higher ups at Vogue, Conde Nast, and other major corporations, she met women who had access to boxes at sporting events and could get her free tickets to Madison Square Garden, she met women with access to politicians, and she used her speaking skills and her connections to meet more people and keep her life moving forward instead of going home and trying to figure out another way to survive in the city. She’s a smart woman and she believes in working.

Within her first full year of joining she had access to: The American Museum of Natural History Museum Gala, the Met Gala, the School of American Ballet Ball, and the Frick Young Fellows Gala. She also got herself onto committees and started taking small jobs in order to make herself known. She wasn’t spending a lot of her own money and she wasn’t having to donate huge chunks to keep up with the Jones’s’. She started off small and built on who she knew until she was able to ride on her connections, until she had a small name for herself, and until she knew what she really wanted.

Covid hit in 2020 and so she spent most of that year doing the same things in a scaled back way but making plans to get to marriage. She’d met plenty of women and neglected meeting men and she felt like she knew them well enough to be able to start asking if they’d be willing to set her up on blind dates when New York City loosened its restrictions and she was able to go out again and they responded by basically putting a list of men and their instagrams into her hands so that she could look around. All the while she was looking for a husband and they considered her a friend, not as an outsider but as one of their beloved and lonely sisters.

I’ll end it here because I don’t know too much else about what she did but she ended up meeting a doctor through one of her sisters, she booked an appointment to go in for a consultation, she played the famous little “I have no idea who you are” game that many a successful hypergamous woman has played, and the rest is history. She moved in with him early this year after they got engaged, she’s still doing her think but using his money to get it done, and she’s been living and loving her life so far. We used to see each other often when I was in the city and we still see each other today but we mostly talk on the phone or over texting.

If you know your steps and have a plan formulated in advance, life is easy. You shouldn’t have to work too hard and people don’t talk about AI and all of the opportunities that it brings because they don’t know about AI or sorority life. If you want an easy first step then I’d recommend it but the rest is up to you. You have to be willing to talk to people and meet the people who you’ve surrounded yourself with and you have to be willing to go out of your way to make connections.

[tomb-of-ligeia-deactivated20230]

Another book you’ve enjoyed?

Selling Luxury by Robin Lent and Genevieve Tour.

This is one of my favourite non-hypergamy hypergamy books and it has helped me so much. When you’re in the process of trying to marry up, enter certain circles, enter high society, or sugar, you need to be able to do a lot of thinking about your future. Thinking of myself as a luxury product and thinking of my brand as a luxury brand did me wonders in terms of getting benefactors, making a roster, getting a high paying job in the world I wanted to be in, and making things work in my day to day life and in my relationships. This book is like a bible to luxury saleswomen and I used parts of it as a step by step guide to making my brand, creating my branding, creating my image, closing deals and sponsorships with very affluent men and creating partnerships with circles of affluent women, and gaming the system. This book has universal advice, I think it’s a great read and a great help when it comes time to create your image, and it has helped me endlessly when it comes to the world of leveling up and meeting the people I’ve met.

As always, here’s the PDF.

[tomb-of-ligeia-deactivated20230]

a method one of your friends has that you have seen work and totally believe in?

It’s a method as old as time.

Sveta is Jewish and only interested in foreign Jewish men due to her own background so she has a way to go about life and a way to meet men who she could be interested in. She’s very picky and she has extremely high standards so I don’t blame her for going about her life this way. She doesn’t have much time and she does hate to waste what time she has for dating so she has a method to get what she wants without wasting her life.

All of her girlfriends in her former company have connections and know people so she stays in contact with them, keeps her friendships going, and spends time with them when she can. They’ll often call her and tell her that someone is at a restaurant or whatever and send over his social media accounts for her to see them and she’ll decide whether she’d like to spend her time on said man or wait until they message her to tell her someone else has been spotted out and about.

As soon as she verifies that the man is single and decides whether she likes him or not, she looks through his social media followers if he has a public account to see what sorts of girls he follows. Let’s say she found a man who had a thing for Russian gymnasts and the list of who he was following showed that, there’s not that big of a leap to a Russian dancer and she’d then take notes on the looks of these women and take advantage of being good looking and the opportunity that has basically been tossed at her.

She then does a little bit of research on families and ties to religion and all of that good stuff. She’s dedicated to the point where she’ll go and find documentation for business deals and see if the man or his family has donated to the arts and she’ll make notes and keep it going. She’s been able to find men who donate $10,000 plus bimonthly to her former company and to the arts and she’s found documentation of their families spending $600m plus to secure hotel deals and pieces of real estate. She happens to be an expert at this and I know she enjoys going it all. She also does an in-depth background check at this stage and looks for any inconsistencies.

She then touches up on her understanding of what they might enjoy, requests to follow them and then goes around their profiles and gathers knowledge, and consumes the media that she’s found that they enjoy. Yes, she uses Letterboxd, Spotify, and Goodreads for this stage and she depends on Twitter as well but she brushes up on her knowledge so that she can talk about the things that they enjoy just in case they come up and so that she can play dumb with a little bit more of a convincing air. This is what she swears by and she does it well enough to win when she decides to play.

She then totally stops bothering to put on a western air and goes back to being good old European Sveta. Men tend to love the culture from the area her family was originally from and the women are in high demand and take care of themselves well and she presents herself as that. She’s not changing anything, it’s all true, but she steps everything up 10,000% and becomes ridiculously high maintenance and into herself. She usually loses 5 to 7 pounds for good luck and steps up her game, she brings out all of her best clothes, and she starts getting done up and showing her best side.

No matter how well known the man is, she plays up the fact that she’s from the middle of nowhere in Russia and comes from nothing. She’s also the sort of woman who remains extremely unimpressed by most everything and so she’s ready for anything when the moment comes. Shows of extreme wealth don’t impress her, private travel doesn’t blow her away, and she knows how to keep a neutral expression on her face and an air of neutrality in her voice at all times. She keeps her cards very close to her chest and claims that this is how she does well for herself in her love life.

Once she’s gotten everything sorted out and she knows what she’s doing, she tells her friends to let her know when they next see him so that she can turn up and stun when the time is right. They always set her up on “blind” dates with the men and they’ll all meet in a big group for a nice dinner and an NHL game or something and they make sure to do her right. She shows up looking hot and with a lovely outfit on, she knows how to talk and what to talk about, and she takes all the time in the world to get to know him and to make him feel like he’s special and like he’s truly being seen by a beautiful woman for the very first time.

He will always ask her out by the time the night is done but she never gives him her number, she asks for his and tells him that she’ll call him when she’s ready. She likes to have the control and she refuses to wait by the phone for him to call her. She then waits no more than 72 hours to call and set up a date but she doesn’t spend endless time in communication with him. If he wants to take her out then he will, she doesn’t need to be texting him 24/7 or lavishing her attention onto him. They either go out on a date or fade out but she refuses to beg for him to remain interested, they either go out on a date as soon as possible or they fizzle out.

She done whatever she seems necessary to blow his mind and rock his world but she doesn’t have sex. She deems it a waste of time and she prefers to wait. She also doesn’t blow her cover when it comes to having known about him far in advance either, she waits for him to reveal it all to her so that he thinks she loves him for who he is…not what he has. This is what she did to get her current boyfriend and this is what works for her. I’ve never seen her falter or fail, I’ve never seen her waste her time or end up feeling like she’s been scorned, and I’ve never seen her stress over an outcome. She remains levelheaded and unbothered, she enjoys herself immensely, and she plays both the player and the game well enough to always beat both.

Ligeia.

[ellethestargazer]

Do you think some of the girlies on hypergamyblr are a bit...delusional?

In a lot of ways, yes.

I think many are delusional in thinking that marrying rich will suddenly solve all of their problems. Fact is, if you're marrying a man that comes from money, he will whip out an iron-clad prenup that will ensure his money stays in his pockets if there is a divorce. When my mother was planning her wedding with a very, very wealthy man that basically headed all of wall street, she had to undergo months of legal procedures with a team of six lawyers to go over the finances. It wasn't pretty and they played hardball with her for months before coming to an agreement that of course, put her fiancé in the best position. So no, marrying rich will not make them an instant millionaire and they need to have a backup plan in case things go south. And frankly, they shouldn't resent that fact. If a man's family has worked for centuries to build an empire, they have no right to try to claim any of it. Can they earn a portion of it by helping him in a myriad of ways as his wife? Of course. But to think they'll walk out of a marriage with half of everything their man has, is silly.

Hypergamy girls also need to realize that there’s more to the equation of meeting wealthy men than just glowing up and walking into nice bars. Opposites don’t attract, like attracts like. If they want to date wealthy men, their best bet is to work hard and have things going for them outside of looks. They should focus on getting an education, doing volunteer/philanthropic work, making elite friends on their own merit, and developing real hobbies. They should focus on becoming women of value that cannot be replaced. I grew up in very wealthy settings and let me just say that trophy wives don’t obsess about their looks constantly. Yes, they work out and take excellent care of themselves, but no one is sitting in front of their vanity for three hours straight getting ready for the day. I find it so ridiculous when I see people on Tumblr giving advice to spend days on end preparing for dates with wealthy men when that's not even what's really valued. Escorting and sugaring has nothing to do with dating and marrying well and the advice given by women who choose to do so has no place in these conversations. Moreover, these women never relied on their looks to find their partner. If you walk into a high end restaurant in a wealthy suburban neighborhood, you're not going to find supermodels on the arms of a wealthy partners. You're going to find relatively normal looking couples having a normal meals and discussing normal subjects. 90% of stay out home wives in these circles worked top notch jobs and went to top notch colleges before meeting their husbands. And they did NOT find their partner sitting around looking pretty at a bar, they found them through a mutual friend from law school, a client at their investment bank, at the ski club, at the networking event, etc. So hypergamy girls need to change their focus and begin building themselves up to a level where they can meet a ton of great men by virtue of living a similar lifestyle to them.

Finally, and perhaps most crucially, hypergamy girls need to stop being delusional in thinking that old money wealth is lavish wealth. The meaning of old money is heavily dependent on environment, but even in the US where the money is never THAT old, it’s not very lavish. Doesn’t matter if a man is making several million per year, he’s not buying you a Lamborghini or giving you a 50K shopping spree every month. Frugality is very much the standard in old money circles and anything more is viewed as distasteful. I remember having a playdate with my best friend once when her parents were hosting a party at their home. One of the mothers attending showed up with a Birkin on her arm and all the other women huddled around talking about how distasteful and tacky she looked. Old money women have nothing to prove so they don't need to wear Hermes bags and Cartier bracelets and red-bottom shoes. It's silly. Hypergamy girlies need to understand that it’s a very different world than one would expect.  

I can go one for ages, but the moral of the story is that when it comes to the subject of marrying well, girls cannot see the world through rose-colored glasses.

-Elle

[2productive]

Since femininity is becoming very popular, how do I stand out from girls who are also very feminine?

You be your authentic self and become the highest tier version of YOU so that no one else can have what you have without being a copycat. Be the original. People stand out by being unapologetically themselves especially when everyone else is just trying to play it safe or catch up. Cultivate your version of femininity (whichever archetype suits you best and what you are happiest wearing, doing, saying, going, pursuing, etc etc) and you live it up to the fullest. Don’t worry about the others.

[hermajestyimher]

Hypergamy Is a Myth. Why "Leveling Up" Culture Should Not be Mixed with Hypergamy Tradwife.

Over the past few years I've been guilty of propping up and identifying with the hypergamous label. This was due to my belief at the time that the growing hypergamy online community had good intentions pertaining to the advancements of women's dating standards and therefore life. I saw how the levelling up community around me slowly but surely seemed to merge with the up-and-coming hypergamous online circles, which at the time I didn't question much and decided to go with their flow.

The idea of dating up, in theory, sounds very enticing, especially when we live in a society where straight women have very few decent options in terms of suitable mates, and where many women have had to go through traumatic situations with bottom of the barrel men in the past and who now want better for themselves.

On the surface, hypergamy sounds good. The issue for me began to arise after noticing people with ulterior agendas trying to weaponize the concept of hypergamy to sneak in female submission, negging, and overall brainwashing to strip women out of their personal agency and power in order to be "worthy" of being in a relationship with a wealthy man. "Never talk about your accomplishments, men don't care about them" "be quiet and dainty, expressing negative emotions is a masculine trait" "be highly agreeable and don't challenge your man, he's your head and leader" "being a domestic house wife is more fulfilling than being a career woman" "always be hyperaware of how the way you dress and express yourself comes across to men, you don't want to appear masculine!" "no man wants to be with an independent woman, being independent is masculine", among other onslaughts of misogynistic and sexist vitriol.

The sad part is that this sort of regressive content picked up a lot of esteem, especially among black "femininity" communities in places like YouTube and here on Tumblr since 2018, and in my opinion, paved the way for online incels and pick me to create this sub-culture that is based on the degradation of women and the expectations that we should go back to being second-class beings stripped our agency and humanity as used to happen decades and centuries ago, evident by the rise in podcasts and viral content of the sort in social media. It brought a novel movement that aimed for women to level up in their lives and grow as people to become saturated with content asking them to shrink themselves, to not take up too much space in order to not inconvenience the male ego.

The truth is that the vast majority of people marry within their social class. Rich men and educated men almost never marry women who are of lower social class and education, and this becomes particularly relevant with old-money individuals. Actual men of high value and class want their equivalent as a partner. The fantasy that a strong character, education, and professional achievements are not needed to attract quality men, and that they in fact might be counterproductive to it, is a lie from the pits of hell designed by misogynists to keep women dependent on men and to lower their personal agency. Any man that doesn't care for or feels threatened by your achievements is not a man you want to entertain.

The men that the women who refuse to chase a career or professional path date are almost never the kind of men they expected to attract based on the lies hypergamy has sold them, to begin with. So now they're stuck with an abusive partner that doesn't see or treat them like their equal and their options to rid themselves of that relationship are limited because they don't have the educational background or experience to stand on their own two feet. Is that really what want you for your life?.

If your goal is to date and marry a man of higher social status, you first need to raise above your own social status to put yourself in spaces where that potential partner could be and to seem desirable to them as well. This requires effort, nothing good in life comes easy (which is why the hypergamous wishful thinking is so popular among lazy and uneducated women, it makes them believe that they can easily have their lives solved with very little effort put on their part and at the expense of men).

We do not live in a Disney fantasy movie where prince charming will magically drop into your lap while you serve him as a waitress at a restaurant or while you watch videos online on how to be the best domestic wife. Instances of these sorts of scenarios are of one in a million. Levelling up should be always first about and for you, anything else that comes after you've bettered yourself is extra and that includes relationships. Levelling up should never be tainted by subjugation masqueraded as hypergamy, and hypergamy is largely a myth. The sooner you realize these things, the sooner you'll be able to call BS on the plethora of online propaganda spewed to keep you and other women dependent on men and you'll be able to raise above the brainwashing.

[neferkem]

An interesting read

[traditionally-linsi]

what would you do for a Wednesday night dinner? 🤍

I’m all for trying out Mediterranean lately!

Today is actually Wednesday and I’m going to be up watching Mamma Mia tonight so I decided to go on ahead and make a Greek inspired lunch to get into the mood. If you know me then you know how much I love ABBA so being able to watch Mamma Mia tonight will be a great bit of fun for me and I’m looking forward to it very much. I’m not the most experienced when it comes to making Mediterranean food but I thought I’d try my hand at it just to see if it’s something I could find the time to enjoy in the near future and add to my menu more. I have a Mediterranean cookbook but I used Pinterest recipes just to make my life nice & easy.

Greek-Marinated Shrimp Skewers with Lemon Sauce.

I love shrimp! Shrimp is one of my favourite fruits of the sea and I believe that any Mediterranean inspired dish needs to have shrimp in it just to brighten up the mood. I also love sauce, I can always say with total confidence that one of my favourite parts of every meal is the sauce that comes with it and I decided to make this sauce for lunch just so I could try it out and see if it was something that I’d enjoy with dinner. I love the mixture of geek yoghurt, lemon, and dill and I love how tart and refreshing it is. The one thing I’m not a huge fan of is how the shrimp needs to really be seared to make it delicious but I loved how they were nice and blackened at the end of cooking them, they were lovely and I’d highly recommend giving this recipe a nice try.

Greek Salad with Avocado.

I love a traditional Greek salad with crispy fresh veggies and sharp feta, I love the dressing that I make for my Greek salads to compliment the flavour of the black olives, and I love the crunch of the onions and of the cucumber so I knew that I had to add just a bit more flavour and try making one of my favourite salads with avocado. I don’t usually enjoy avocado, I absolutely hate it on toast and I don’t like it when it’s not in the guacamole form that my Grandma used to make but I thought I’d step out of my comfort zone and try a new way to prepare it and it was a hit. One of the big things that I wasn’t expecting was how nice of a contrast the sweetness of the ripe avocado would end up being compared to the tartness of the salad and the dressing and it was really nice, I also liked that the avocado that I’d chosen wasn’t too mushy and that the shape of the avocado pieces that I’d cut up didn’t end up too large.

Chicken Souvlaki with Tzatziki Sauce.

As an original skewer and kebab fan, I really felt like I should stick with the mood and stick to things that could be eaten from skewers, I don’t know anyone who I’ve ever cooked for that hasn’t enjoyed skewers and I think that they’re great if you’d like to have a bit of fun in your meal. I’m a huge fan of chicken as well and I think that chicken and shrimp always pair together so nicely, I love the flavours of tzatziki sauce combined with this chicken souvlaki dish and the spices that are in it, and I loved that it wasn’t difficult to prepare or to figure out how to make. I did end up making separate skewers with pineapple, bell peppers, and red onions just to add more flavour and as a nice refresher for in between skewers and they were absolutely gorgeous.

Greek Rice with Parsley and Dill.

As a woman who believes that every meal needs a side dish and rice should be that side dish, it was great to be able to try a rice recipe that incorporated spices and fresh herbs and that truly helped the entire meal along. I hate making just plain white rice, I love to make rice that has its own flavour and that speaks for itself, there is nothing more boring to me than bringing out a dish that hasn’t been personalised or given its own flavour and I refuse to make plain white rice. Adding a lot of fresh dill and fresh parsley was imperative to making this rice and tossing it to make it fluffy, adding just a bit of butter, and going out of my way to really make it nice and Mediterranean tasting was so important to the entire meal. I did end up adding the tiniest bit of yoghurt to it after I’d added the butter and I also added a lot of lemon juice and a bit of salt but it was one of the best rice dishes I’ve made and it worked perfectly.

Greek Gyro Bread.

I always make bread with every meal and this meal was no expection, I decided to make gyro bread that was a bit doughier and sweeter than the average gyro bread and it was a hit. I deviated substantially from the recipe that I’ve linked and I ended up going more for a bread that mimicked the gyro bread that I used to get at one of my favourite restaurants, Olga’s, back when it was still open and Olga was still alive. I chose to make the bread with this meal just because I wanted to be able to take apart the pineapple, red onion, and bell pepper skewers, throw some chicken and shrimp in the mix, add a lot of sauce, and make simple sandwiches and my ideas tend to work really well when I plan ahead and actually put them into lotion before I have to think on my feet. I love how Olga’s bread is so doughy and chewy and I love how it’s sweet from the honey, I love how you can make it into pita chips, and I also love how easy it is to make and how nice it ends up looking once it’s done. It’s easy to prepare and it’s lovely to present.

Greek-Inspired Baklava.

Baklava is one of my many favourite desserts and I do think that it’s a labour of love. I used to hate having to layer the phyllo dough and go out of my way to chop up all of the nuts when I was younger and didn’t really know how to appreciate taking my time in the kitchen but now that I’m older and I can see the joy in the faces of my loved ones, I try to go out of my way to make my baklava. Baklava is a tricky dessert to make and I do think that it’s extremely time consuming but it’s one of the best desserts out there, you can make it in large amounts, cut it into diamonds, and save it or offer it to your friends, and it’s one of those desserts that people look at and know that it took time to make and skill to learn how to make and that’s one of the many reasons why I do love making it. Baklava takes an effort but it’s beautiful in the end and it’s always very appreciated by the people who I go out of my way to prepare it for and the people who I box it up and send it to as small gifts.

Linsi <3

[traditionally-linsi]

what pastry recipes do you love to follow? 🍰

Financiers.

Raspberry Religieuse.

Mille-Feuille.

Tarte aux Fraises.

Opéra Cake.

Profiteroles.

Chocolate Religieuse.

Tarte aux Framboise.

Gateau Saint Honoré.

Chocolate Éclair.

Franzbrötchen.

Bienenstich.

Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte.

Buchweizentorte.

Donauwelle.

Gugelhupf.

Prinzregententorte.

Grillparzertorte.

Midsommar Strawberry Cake.

Millirahmstrudel.

Dansk Lagekage.

Sfogliatelle.

Cannoli.

Maritozzi.

Bombolone.

Cannoncini.

Zeppole di San Giuseppe.

Costrada.

Piononos.

Napolitana de Chocolate.

Linsi <3

[bergamotbarbie]

The idea is not to be devoid of emotions but to control them to the utmost degree.

[fleurrdumalll-deactivated202208]

[elletheroyal]

Lessons from my Hypergamous Mother 💕

I've talked about my mother several times on this blog but for those who are new, she's basically the O.G. Hypergamous woman. Despite not coming from money, being black and an immigrant, she's dated men worth millions, tens of millions, and close to billions of dollars. So with that, here are some of the lessons my mother has instilled upon me since I was born about dating and life.

Wear high quality clothes that fit well.

If there's one hill my mom will die on, it's that quality> quantity. To her, one wool Ralph Lauren blazer is worth 15 polyester blazers from Zara. And honestly, you can't really fight her on it because the majority of the time, clothes that are high quality just look better. Because of this, growing up 90% of my clothes came from high-end thrift stores and estate sales and truthfully, they still do.

Men come a dime a dozen.

My mother reminds me of this fact quite literally every time the male sex is mentioned in our household. She's had her pick of some of the most powerful men in the world simply because she doesn't care about any of them. Her psyche is this: there are millions of rich, smart, loving men out there, so why the hell would you stress out about finding one?

Education is key to success.

The same can't be said in all countries, but America is one of those nations where you can come in as an immigrant with nothing, and with the right education, become a member of the top 1%. Now the meaning of education isn't binary; you don't have to have a degree from Harvard or be a Rhodes Scholar. Being educated can simply mean you have a wide scope of knowledge on a variety of topics! To my mother, if you're highly educated, you can hold your own in any crowd. 

Never give your entire heart away.

When my sister was a college freshman, she got her heart broken for the first time. While my mother was very quick to take her home and indulge her for a weekend, she was also very quick to tell her the crucial mistake she made. To quote her, "The problem isn't that you fell in love, the problem is that you gave him everything and when he left you had nothing. When you fall in love, always keep 10% of that love for yourself so that if things go south you won't be too devastated."

When you chase a man, he'll be inclined to run away.

So never, ever chase a man. Men are simple: if they want you they will do everything in their power to get you. There will never be any doubts. It's all very primal: nearly every species of male in the animal kingdom assume the role of "courting" their female counterparts. It's quite literally in their DNA. So there is never a need to go out and beg a man for his affections. In fact, doing so will almost always guarantee him running from you.

Praise don't complain.

Praise is the most effective tool for getting whatever you want from a man. NEVER complain about a mans inability to do something because he will immediately shut down and resent you. Instead, praise him endlessly when he acts well. His ego will be stroked and in return, you will have him eating out of the palm of your hand.

Elegance = Beauty.

You don't need to be quintessentially beautiful. You don't need to have a great body, you don't need to have a pretty face, you don't need any organically beautiful features. If you can put some quality time and effort into accentuating what you do have going for you and become the most refined and elegant woman in the room, you'll do very well. And elegance isn't just about being able to wear a string of pearls, it's about being confident and centered. It's about self mastery and not feeling the need to be anything but yourself.

Always keep your options open.

Ever heard the dating analogy "Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't look at the menu"? Well it's something my mom lives by. Yes, she's all for monogamy but the fact of the matter is, you have to look out for yourself first. If your beloved suddenly decides to jump ship or things don't work out, it's always good to have a backup plan. And sometimes you'll find yourself dating someone you thought was great when all of a sudden someone even better stumbles into your life. Ultimately, this is your life and your decisions will have the biggest ripple effect on you. Look out for yourself, keep your options open. Nothing is guaranteed.

There's no shame in not feeling shame.

My mother is an extremely proud woman. Nothing has or ever will get her down about herself which all roots back to her decision to not ever feel shame about who she is. Whenever you feel inclined to feel shameful or insecure, reverse the narrative. If you're the only Black woman in a board room full of white men, instead of getting shy, revel in the fact that everyone will be that much more inclined to listen to you because you stand out. When you show up late to a date, instead of apologizing to your company thank them for waiting. Quite literally force yourself to be completely neutral in all situations and never internalize anything. Shame is really a false narrative we choose to espouse and it only holds us back from our desires. The solution is simple: stop feeling shame.

Above all, you are enough.

Regardless of whether you're still a work in progress or don't have your life together at all. You are the prize and you really have to start acting like it. It's not your job to alter your entire personality for a man. It's not your job to spend all day and night getting ready for dates. It's not your job to level up only for the sake of attracting a man. This kind of behavior will only emphasize this idea that you are not good enough as you are to attract the love that you deserve. You, by virtue of having your own set of life experiences, are completely worthy. The true differentiator between successful women and unsuccessful women is mindset. I know unattractive, uneducated, and unqualified women absolutely killing it in life and it's all because they are confident as fuck and truly believe that they deserve the best. So what's stopping you from cultivating that energy right now? I promise you that if you begin to walk, talk, sleep, eat, and breathe like you are the prize, the world will begin treating you the same way.

Lovingly,

Elle

[tomb-of-ligeia-deactivated20230]

Could you share some advice on how to find a community whilst in grad school?

Thank you 🤍

Go to your uni’s open day or involvement fair.

Almost every university has an open day of some sort where new students are able to go around and get to see the organisations that are available for students to join. I would highly recommend going out of your way to go no matter what level of student you are, it’s very important to meet people and involve yourself in activities no matter what year you’re in on your campus and you won’t have another opportunity like this one. Involvement fairs are one of the best ways to see all of the groups that your university offers, take down notes about the things you’d like to be involved in, and actually start getting involved in activities and interest groups on your campus. I know for a fact that my new university has a graduate involvement fair with a session to meet some of the professors who teach at the graduate level and I plan on going when I’m back in town, I also know that there’s a website where I can look up a list of the groups on campus, what times the meetings are for each group, who to reach out to and when to reach out to them, and what’s required to join. I’d prefer to go in person but it’s nice to have an idea of what’s going on, when it’s going on, and who’s going to be there before I go. I’d plan in advance to attend your school’s open day and I’d look for information online.

Join a professional/social sorority or a service group.

I’m not just going to speak about the NPC sororities here, some of them do accept graduate students as sisters but the majority of them are going to encourage grad students to pursue alumnae initiation and then become heavily involved with the undergraduate chapter on their campus. There are the historically black NPHC sororities who do have graduate chapters and who do accept applications from graduate sisters, there are a number of smaller service sororities that were founded for Latinas and for Asian women, and then there are the professional sororities. I have a friend who wanted to go into the foreign service and joined Delta Phi Epsilon (the social sorority) as an undergrad and went on to join Delta Phi Epsilon (the foreign service fraternity) and then went on to do internships at embassies, used her connections through both sororities to get her current job at the United Nations, met her now fiancé at an event for her foreign service fraternity, and has been going strong and doing great ever since. If sororities or professional fraternities aren’t your thing, there are groups like the Junior League, there are debutante-inspired groups for women, and there are a whole lot of groups based on shared interests and a love of community service.

Get used to talking to the people around you.

It’s hard to make friends if you’re not actively making an effort to put yourself out there, I’d say it’s impossible to get to know anyone without risking rejection and the first step towards making lasting friendships is risking rejection and introducing yourself to someone. A lot of graduate students have similar classes and it’s great to get to know your fellow students, there’s a GroupMe for one of my classes and I’ve already gone ahead and introduced myself and sent out an invite to do cocktail hour at a local bar. You have to be willing to reach out to people, shake hands, do the legwork, remember names, knock on doors, and risk rejection if you want to make friends, it can be hard to make friends when you’re in your twenties but refusing to put in the work that’s needed is one of the things that’ll hold you back. Sometimes you have to introduce yourself 50 times before one introduction pans out but you’ll be on the way to making a legitimate friendship. You also don’t have to do activities, I’ve been introducing myself to girls and asking them if they’d like to go out on walks or do exercise classes with me and I’ve had a lot of interest and I’ve also put together a few casual nights to go barhopping, another girl who doesn’t do drinking asked me to a chili cookoff that her church is holding and I plan on attending that as well. You could literally ask someone to go with you to volunteer at an animal shelter, go out thrift shopping, or go get a cuppa with you and I guarantee that there’s someone out there who’d be happy to say yes and make a genuine effort to get to know you better as a friend and a schoolmate.

Use Meetup.com.

When all else has failed and I need to get out of the house, I’ll use Meetup to see what’s happening in my city, find something interesting to do, and then go out and do it. Meetup is how I’ve met some of my favourite people and gotten to do some of the most interesting things I’ve ever done and I would strongly recommend it for anyone who needs to get out and make friends. I’ve only used Meetup in major cities so I don’t know about he selection in smaller cities but I’ve had a lot of success both attending meet-ups and planning my own. I saw a post for a women’s only museum tour group and I started going to that and met an amazing group of women, I started going on architectural tours with another group of women and had a great time, and I joined a group of women who had an interest in water and who went sailing every Saturday. I’m a strong believer in the power of Meetup because I’ve been able to meet so many amazing groups of women my age and befriend them, I’ve also been able to join Asian interest groups and meet Asian women who are my age, I was able to find a community of women who were like me, who were new to the States and who were willing to help me navigate as best they could, and who were in the same boat as me when it came to meeting people. You can find groups of anyone on Meetup and I love that, I met a group of fashion girls who I absolutely loved getting to know, I met a group of professional ballet dancers who I introduced to Sveta, and I joined a cat walking group so I have women to walk my cat with now. Sometimes meeting people online and joining a group if you’re uncomfortable going out with one person at a time is the best choice and I’d really recommend using meetup.com to find interesting groups for yourself.

Do things that you’re afraid to do and take some risks.

I’m talking about trying things that you’ve never done before and seeing if you like them, I had the time of my life going to a pottery class with a girl that I met on Bumble BFF when I first got to the city and she and I are still pretty close. I tried doing competitive bowling, I tried roller derby, I joined an indoor women’s soccer league and got my ass handed to me a few times, I started going to this slam poetry thing in the village that I was terrible at but made me laugh and laugh, I volunteered a a museum and a library local to me, and I did ballroom dancing a few times. I did a bunch of stuff that I was uncomfortable with doing at first but got to enjoy and I met so many women between the ages of 23 to 33 who were looking for friends and who I’ve had a great time getting to know. I’m also going to use this section to plug getting a job on campus or in an establishment that has other people your age, if you know how to bartend or are willing to bartend then I’d recommend getting a job at a bar and moving from there, it’s relatively easy money and you’ll get to meet a whole lot of people. Getting to know people is one of the best things you can do for yourself and working in a place that has people who you enjoy being around is also beneficial for your growth, I would highly recommend getting a job (even if you think you don’t need one) just so you can work on your social skills, make friends, and bring in some extra money. Get out of your comfort zone, get to meeting people, get your resume out there, and get talking to people as often as you can in order to make a community of your own. 

Ligeia.