parvae.

A writing blog. used mostly for posting my poems and stories, though there will be a few photo posts for inspiration. please do not repost/take any of the writing you see on this blog, it's mine and I work very hard on it !

[parvae]

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[parvae]

i'll never be your baby.

my god, will you ever stop watching?  I feel your eyes on my back and nose in my hair  and the way your hands ghost over my skin while i pretend to sleep.  I can smell your scent in my clothes and I can't place why,  I haven't set eyes on you in years.  my god, will you ever stop haunting me?  I pray to the heavens that your patience will run thin, that you'll show yourself so i can shame you and shun you,  I'll make a deal with a thousand devils to get rid of what I can't prove is there. my god, if you would just leave.  I could cry in peace and hold my own hand without the shame the shame of knowing that you're watching and know that I wish it was yours.  I could unlock all the doors and not fear the worst the worst that you're still aching, still hungry and still need me.  Pretend I don't need you right back.  But there is no rest for the wicked,  and your eternal punishment is to haunt me. 

[parvae]

there's girl you once knew with the brightest eyes you'd ever seen, a vision of how easy it is to romanticise things that are broken, how easy it is to glamorise the abuse she subjects herself to - you think she's beautiful and you think you can fix her, but there's no fixing a girl like that, who doesn't want your help, who refuses to accept it, she's got different faces and a cigarette stuck between her teeth and while you whisper i love you she's surely thinking of another way to escape reality.

[parvae]

there is a girl

there's this girl that you know and her smile could light up a room. there's this girl that you know and she likes disney movies and large jumpers that she's stolen from her father and her big brother. there's this girl you know and she likes to watch fire as it burns. there's this girl you know and she likes to watch fire as it goes out. this girl, she's always happy until she's not.  there's this girl you know and you could make her smile simply by smiling at her and telling her she's going to get out of this alive  no matter what the outcome.  there's this girl you know who's always crying but there are moments where she's not and it's like seeing the sun through a gap in the clouds. there's this girl and you think she could be an angel  but angels aren't this sad.  this girl, you thought you could love her but you never could.  there's this girl with blood running from her eyes and  tears on the edge of her fingertips.  there's this girl and she's not beautifully broken. there's this girl and she's not even poetically tragic. there's this girl you once knew but you don't any more.

[parvae]

i should hate you

God, I think I hate you. I'm sure I hate you.  I hate the way you showed me things and told me not to love them, I hate the way you opened my eyes and forced them back closed with harshness and told me I should never see beauty in you. I hate you because you made me so happy I hate you because by doing so you also made me the most miserable I have ever been.  I hate you because without you now I feel empty. It's been almost a year since you said those things and yet here I am. Here I am still hurting over it.  Here I am still looking over that conversation and telling myself I'm the disgusting one I'm the vile one here. But it's you.  And I hate you enough  to still think about you as much as I did  when I loved you.

[parvae]

mine.

it’s midnight and i can’t help but wonder if your mind is on me like mine is on you. I doubt it is. I hope it is. How long has it been? It feels like my whole life. I’ve known you since I was able to walk, and yet we’re not close. I’ve known you longer than she has, and yet you’re the thickest thieves anyone could meet. Maybe it’s jealousy. She’ll never love you. I don’t think I love you either. But you’re mine, sweetheart. Mine.

[parvae]

stages of a hellhound bite;                   (angel edition.)

      01. First the bite. Normally, one is not supposed to survive the first bite,             Hellhounds kill people, and so when they're set on you, they tend              not to give up until they know you're dead or dying. The bite burns              for six hours, the idea is that it slows down prey so if there is a chance             of escaping, it's slim and very very rare. Once relieved of the burning             the victim will feel extreme relief and happiness, believing the              worst is over.       02. Extremely fast healing, chipper attitude and perhaps a little difficulty              with memory. The idea is to let the victim of the bite feel as though they               are recovering remarkably well and that there is nothing wrong with them.              The main reason for this is so that they do not seek treatment for the               wound. Soon the wound is healed, everything is fine. The venom lies              dormant for a time, this time can be either very short or very long. It could              be months before they move to stage three.       03. Inability to sit still, heightened emotions, light sensitivity and irritability. Isolate              and conquer. The victim finds him or herself not wanting to leave the house,              speak to people. They may experience nausea and headaches, although               mostly, symptoms tend to differ from person to person.       04. Fever and hallucinations. Much like a vampire with a werewolf bite, the victim              is bedridden and feverish for days, unable to eat or sleep, drink or come to               clear decisions. Their thoughts are plagued by the hellhound that bit them,               and soon they become scared by the smallest of sounds, have panic attacks              at nothing and having large bursts of paranoia. The extent of these issues              depends on the person, and who they're with. If it's with someone they trust,              it's less likely to be an issue for him or her.                                           05. The final stage is delirium, the victim feels invincible, despite the fact their               organs are beginning to fail and their brain and heart is short circuiting.               They'll feel this is a great time to battle their demons, real or imaginary and              have an insatiable need for facing their fears. Physical exertion or whatever it              is that they're battling will be what kills them, if not the failure of their bodies.

[parvae]

he is.

 he is a man of grey smoke,  & leather bindings.  slicked back hair  & a gun in his back pocket.  he is a man of violent delights  & gentle kisses in the night.   he is a great threat -- a danger.  & he keeps her safe from her nightmares.  he is a warrior to a war that will never quite end  & he burns black fire behind his eyes.    he's a monster to monsters  & a life raft to the girl who can't swim.

[parvae]

the light and her shadow.

.one.               They warn girls like her to stay away                         from boys like that,with scarred knuckles                         and pianist hands, slender fingers stained                         red. Beautifully broken; poetic and artistic                          with a steady hand and a bruising beat.  .two.               She is everything he could want in himself.                         She is the light in the gloom of his thoughts                         that keep him awake at night. He can sleep                         happily knowing she exists because she reminds                         him that the world is a better place. She is the                         better place. .three.            It's sickening because he wants to be like her.                          It's twisted because he thinks that by surrounding                         himself in her light he will become a part of it.                          Instead he is the shadow her glow casts. .four.               He loves her and therefore he must destroy her.                          That is the part he plays in her fairytale.                         He is a Grimm brother. He does not tell tales of                         happy endings. .five.               Now she is just a part of his nightmares, a haunting                         to his abandoned home. She still glows, so brightly.                         The shadow and the light that casts it.      

[parvae]

fear and love

fear and love. why fear and why love?  why not both.  why not fear love? why not love fear?  why do we fear love, and why do we love the rush of fear?  rhetorical questions get you nowhere but surely it's worth the waste.

[parvae]

darko.

I am counting down the days until I will be a hero. Until I can hear songs sung in my honour and until I have spilled the tears of my mother and father. Until she is alive again.  Until everything stops. I am counting down the days until the world will end,  because it is my purpose to bring it upon them all.  Deafening screams, I'm counting, waiting -  Sleepwalking through well lit suburban streets.  I am waiting for them to cry my name; I just don't know it yet.  I am plagued by dreams of fur and fire, Burn it to the ground.  Burn it.  They whisper to me.  They are dead. I am accused. I am not supposed to live. I am awaiting the end of the world.  I am waiting.