I wish...

Welcome to my oh so interesting life, I guess. Just snippets that I want to share, moments that I don't want to miss. "Just push me 'till I have to fly. I've shed my skin, my scars. Take me deep out past the lights where nothing dims these stars...nothing dims these stars." - Matt Nathanson

[past-the-lights]

11/15/2017 (Longing)

We dreamed of places we could go

Arms stretched towards the unknown

Heads thrown back, eyes closed tight

Another world in the ocean below

A different life in the clouds above

I could almost taste it

FreedomLifeSalt

Your breath mingled with mine

Pressed together for warmth

I could taste the freedom

The perfect insanity that comes

When you’re movingmovinglost

Losing myself in the horizon

Tangled hair in strong winds

Headed towards that castle in the Sky

So far so close so....

[thother]

she really outdid herself

[peoniess]

This is fucking gorgeous whats her instagram

[past-the-lights]

11/11/2017

It’s the uncertainty of getting to know someone-that moment when you think “Oh. I really like you. A lot.” Suddenly your day just gets that much brighter when you hear from them, your smiles are a bit longer, you get that little ball of warmth in the pit of your stomach when they laugh or smile or just hug you.

You’re terrified that they’ll realize that you’re insecurities are preventing you from being more open, then beating yourself up because you need to try to overcome these same insecurities.

But you really like them, you’re letting yourself get more involved, but the worry is still there, at the back of your mind because that’s happened to you before and you need to protect yourself. But you really like them and you can’t help but think, “It’ll be different this time. They’re amazing.”

Those doubts though...they’re there. They won’t leave you alone. Are they still interested? Have they met someone else? Have you done something wrong? Are you over thinking it?

Everything is fleeting, fluid, but you don’t want to open yourself up because you’re so afraid.

But their smile, their little jokes, the way their arms feel around you...the way you feel so shy and warm around them...you don’t know what to do except hope for the best.....

Like water running between your fingers

The wind tangling your tresses

The twist of a dancing flame

Winding to music we cannot begin to comprehend

Like the newly discovered joy between two lovers

Those sweet nothings, gentle caresses

Nothing remains constant, not the same

The revolving emotions that never seem to end

Life twists and curves around you

Beautiful, chaotic, ephemeral

From the light of the risingsettingsun

The invoked images of the immortal

Fleeting fleeting gone

[past-the-lights]

10/31/2017

It's Halloween!

This may be my favorite holiday. It makes me think of Saturnalia and what it must have been like for the lower class in Ancient Rome to have one day that they could feel like they were in charge.

Of course, my weird love of horror films comes in to play as well.

I should start getting ready for work, but I can't bring myself to move from my seat in the backyard. I have my mug of tea, my Matt Nathanson hoodie, and the MacBeth score from the 2015 film adaptation on repeat.

I'm reading beautiful poetry in the cool morning air and it feels like Fall is finally here and I couldn't be more in love with life right now.

The simplicity of reading in the cold is enough to make my soul ache with joy.

[past-the-lights]

10/10/2017

It’s almost midnight and I find myself unable to sleep - again. It’s been an exhausting day but I’m realizing (slowly, mind you) that I can make my own day better by doing little things that make me happy.

Today I picked up a book to read for pleasure, for the first time in ages. Granted, I’ve read this book countless times, but no matter how many times I’ve read “Son of the Shadows”, I find myself falling in love with the story, with the power of words. There is so much power in a simple story, enough to make me weep, make me laugh, make me sigh in want. 

Maybe that’s why I have a love for rambling on and on when I get the chance - I feel like just writing from my heart will bare my soul to the world. I keep a lot of my personal thoughts closely guarded - I am as afraid of vulnerability as the next person - but sometimes I let my thought flow freely as I write with the hope that somewhere, someone may be reading my ramblings and thinking, “I should do this. I should let everything run free from my soul, my mind, my heart. I should let my body simply act without thinking about what I am writing.”

Even now, as I write this, I am sitting in my balcony with a blanket wrapped around me. I am staring up at the night sky, trying to pick out the scarce stars  that barely shine this close to the city. My headphones are in, playing the same gentle melody over and over - my eyes want to close not from being tired, but from the sheer relaxation I am feeling listening to the song in an almost silent atmosphere. It only makes me wish that I had someone here with me, someone who made me feel safe and cherished, so I could share this moment with them. 

These moments make me feel infinite - these moments where I lose myself in my music and my surroundings. I think about him and how it felt when we would spend nights like this, just pressed against each other and talking, and I smile. I wouldn’t trade those memories for the world, and cannot wait to one day have the opportunity to feel that same joy with someone again.

Who knows, maybe someday I will...maybe someday I will.

Until then, I can listen to “Here With You” by Susie Suh and just let myself float away.

[past-the-lights]

9/18/2017

This may be the time I consistently write - why not? I have the itch to write, and don’t know what I want to write about. No clue whatsoever. So I think I’m going to go with the tried and true stream of consciousness until I can figure out what I want to write. 

It’s 5:30 AM, I’m bundled up in a sweater with a mug of hot chocolate, sitting in my balcony with my trusty little Chromebook. I have my Fall/Winter playlist playing on Spotify, which is mostly mellow and/or sad songs.  I’m not sad at all. On the contrary. Although I’m a bit confused, my mind seems to be clear for the first time in a long time.

Del Mar was such a beautiful place - I can understand why people love going there now. It may have upstaged Santa Monica as being my favorite beach town/city. We’ll have to see. I may have to visit more...for science, you understand. 

I can see the crescent moon from where I’m sitting, and it looks so delicate. It makes me think of a little phrase I have heard again on and off over the years - “He/She looks at you like you hung the moon and stars”. I think that I want to find that again. To look at someone like that, anyway. Yes, to have that level of devotion and love directed towards would be amazing, no doubt, but I feel as if  I am someone who is doomed to simply love and not be loved in return. In the end, when all is said and done, I am okay with that. I’m not mad at all. It gives me joy to see the boys I’ve loved (romantically) doing well, and thriving (except for the first one - he can just fuck off). Of course my dear friends that I cherish are a part of this - I get so devoted to my friends that I lose my sense of self sometimes. 

And that’s okay. I always find myself again, in the end. Until I lose my sense of self again, I’ll just write and write and write until my hands are numb and cramped. To have a magnificent view, a cup of tea, my music and my notebook and just write on and on until I have nothing left to write about. You can never underestimate a good playlist, in all honestly.

As I’ve said time and time again, heartbreaking songs are the best to write to simply because the lyrics are so heartfelt. I figured I would start adding in the songs that I listen to as I write my deranged ramblings that no one really reads:

1. Mieux que nous -  M. Pokora ft. Soprano. I have been a fan of Matt Pokora for years, all his songs from the happy uplifting ones to the heartbreaking ones. This song, however, is one of my favorites by him. A small child is caught between his parents in their unhappy marriage. I recommend looking up and translating the lyrics, or watching the video.

2. Bul Getir  - Emre Saltik (or you can watch the version with Kivanc Tatlitug singing it in a Turkish drama). For the full instrumental experience, however, I’d recommend the Emre Saltik version. The song itself is a lament. Fate has broken the singer and he wishes he could find her, and make her repent for all the wrongs done to him. Again, it’s amazing. 

3.  May We All - Florida Georgia Line. Yes, Country will be involved in my posts. This song has a beautifully nostalgia feel to it that makes me close my eyes and smile. There’s a lot of things they sing about that I definitely did not experience, but this song makes me wish I had.

I think I’m going to sign off for now...I’m rambling into a void anyway. Until next time, everyone. 

[past-the-lights]

09/17/2017

I feel so relaxed - like there’s nothing more to life than sitting on this deck, breathing in the ocean air, listening to my surroundings. 

I’m so happy that G is doing better. So, so happy. 

I’m happy that I don’t think about my Ex anymore and that - if I inevitably do - it’s with a slight twinge of regret and a rush of fondness. I think a little bit of me will always love him - just a little bit. However, I’ve reached the point where I am perfectly okay. How can I not be? The weather is beautiful, my friends health has improved so much, my heart is not as heavy as it has been in months.

I wonder if in the future, if I ever go back in time and I read this...if I can capture this same feeling. The feeling of warmth and happiness and safety, as fleeting as that has always been for me. I would be so grateful if I could. 

I’m trying to see if I can make G smile or laugh (his laugh is adorable). It’s been making my days better, knowing that he is better. I like knowing that people I care about are doing well, that they are living the life they deserve - not the one they THINK they deserve. I owe G so much, and he doesn’t even know it. He’s helped get me out of my head, to focus on life. He helped me finally move on from the spiraling loss I had been feeling over the past few months. I owe him my life and he doesn’t know it. So seeing him so relaxed and listening to him tell me childhood stories makes me happy.

If I could capture this specific scene for all eternity, I would.

(If I could share it with you, Chuck, I would. Wherever you are, the ocean is still here, even though you aren’t. We all love and miss you so, so, much and hopefully you’re around us all - Morganne, Andrew, Ian, Anthony, Alannah, Wesley, Stephanie and I - laughing at how ridiculous we’ve become over the years. Shine on, Charles Allen). 

[past-the-lights]

09/06/2017

Please, please get better. Please.

[past-the-lights]

06/08/2017

It’s my birthday...

I’m officially 25 and I wish I hadn’t been born. I’m so exhausted. I am so, so bone weary. I’m 25 and I’ve seen so much shit and I cannot even begin to explain to anyone how I feel because I haven’t even been able to admit it to myself.

So my thoughts swirl in this never ending black cesspit in my mind and I want everything to stop. I want it all to stop.I wish I could make it stop, make the screaming go away, but I’m afraid to see what waits for me on the other side.

That could be seen as a blessing, I guess. Maybe. To me, it’s a curse.

I am so tired of fighting with my mind, with my emotions, with my insecurities and anxieties and I want it to. Just. Stop.

On one hand, you have my mother. Ah, yes. My mother. My mother who says she loves me, who raised me as a single mother (with the help of her sister and her sisters late-husband) and never has a kind word for me. Over 15 years of being degraded, being torn down, only to be told that I should “be stronger”, that “crying is pointless, who the hell died”, or that “getting full custody of you was a curse from your father”. My dear, dear mother who tears me down every single day of my life, who wishes that I would die (when I disappoint her, naturally) and is very explicit with how I will die or live my life out because I do not want to major in what she wishes I would. I’m a burden, I’m a drug addict, I’m a whore, I’m a useless waste of space. These are the words of encouragement. 

On the other you have our financial situation - it’s so bad that buying groceries means we can’t pay our bills. It keeps getting progressively worse to the point that I just want to throw in the towel and live as a bum. I don’t care anymore. I can’t keep up. The only thing that de-stresses me is smoking, and even cigarettes are a rich mans habit now. 

Those are the major things.

Lets factor in the fact that I blew up my love life spectacularly - I made him feel like I was not attracted to him, that I didn’t want him to touch me. That was not true, but...I explained everything to him. Why I was afraid, why I pulled back. And he understood. We hashed our problems out - even though we definitely are not together, nor will we be getting back together...he said one thing that resonated with me and made my heart ache for him all the more. “You should have told me. I don’t care about any of that, and I did not know that was going through your mind. If you’re my girl, then that’s it. You should have told me.” He was right. I should have told him everything that was happening, everything that had happened. But I didn’t, and I lost him, and now I get to watch as he’s moved on and I’m stagnant and unable to let go.

I want to crawl into the bottom of a bottle and never come out. I want to go to therapy. I want to write everything that ever happened to me but I can’t. I can’t do any of that.

I want my brain to stop, I want to scream, I want to cry, and I feel so weak and I don’t know what else to do. I need help.

I wish I was brave enough to make it stop but I’m not. I’m really not. 

[past-the-lights]

05/10/2017

My fears were realized. I’m disappointed in myself for allowing myself to hope that he did forgive me. I hoped and I wished and in the end he wanted to give me a taste of my own medicine. 

I had expected better of him, but he had also expected better of me. I just...my heart hurts. So so much. 

[past-the-lights]

04/26/2017

I’m scared that he’s just toying with me...that he thinks I did the same with him. It would have hurt so much less if he had just ignored me initially, instead of talking to me again. I don’t think I deserve this. Maybe I do. I don’t know. It seems like he thinks I deserve this - deserve to be ignored when I reached back out to him because - and I know this now, after leaving him - I love him. I can’t blame him for not wanting to talk to me...and it may be just my anxiety acting up again, but he could have easily not accepted my apology. He could have just said that he didn’t accept my apology and that would have been that. But he did. He did and he kissed me and pulled me close and that hurts more than anything. He kissed me and held me close and it felt like coming home. Writing this is so painful. 

I can never assuage my guilt for leaving him like I did when I knew I loved him, when I knew he cared about me, just because my mind...my mind told me I wasn’t worth his time. My mind told me that, and now my heart is paying the price. 

Some days (if I’m being honest, a lot of days) I don’t want to move. These days used to be so far apart that they were negligible, but now it’s almost constant. A constant fear, a constant pain and sometimes...sometimes I wish it would just stop. 

[past-the-lights]

2/21/2017

It’s those songs that set your body and mind on fire. When they’re playing, the simple and sensual music seems to caress your body and grasp your hips, forcing them to move. I know that when I hear them, when I’m alone, my eyes are half lidded and I feel empowered as I move my body to the music.

I can feel my shoulders slowly roll back one at a time. My head is rolling from side to side, ever so slowly. My body follows me, hips twisting and rolling, thighs shifting. There is a certain sense of power, raw and magnetizing and feral that comes with that sexual feeling. The confidence, that predatory sense of being on the hunt.

Songs like “Toes” by Glass Animals...those that aren’t sexual when it comes to the lyrics, but have a beat that makes your pulse race. Enough to make me lay on my back, lethargic and warm, eyes closed and breath slow. It makes me want to be touched, to be worshiped, and to worship in return. It brings to mind just tangled limbs, and gentle and intense motion between lovers. The strum of the bass is the heartbeat, the meeting of bodies again and again. “To the left now boy/underneath the moon; By the thick tan sand, and the tall thin grass/one more thing for you.”

“Skin” by Rihanna though..this is blatantly sexual. The lyrics are charged with a predatory sensuality. It’s downright dirty and it makes my body tingle, my breath catch. Where I usually tend to be...overtly submissive when all is said and done, this song makes me want to take charge.

[past-the-lights]

01/18/2017

There’s something about remaining stagnant for years...of not doing anything worthwhile. You sit there rotting, wasting away. You want to go somewhere, anywhere, but you’re unable to. It’s like you’re sitting in a windowless room...just listening to your heart beat louder and louder as your frustration mounts ever higher. The pounding gets louder and louder, making your ears throb, the noise inescapable. 

The room is shrinking, you’re losing tour breath. Your throat is tight and no screams are coming out. You reach out, with your hands, slam them against the walls. BANGBANGBANG - your hands are in excruciating pain but you can’t...you just  can’t anymore. 

It’s too much. You need to get OUT. You need to GET out. You need to breathe, you’re suffocating and you keep BANGBANGBANG against the wall and there.

There it is.

There’s a small crack in the wall. There’s some air coming through and you inhale greedily.  You scrabble at the wall with bleeding fingers begin to scratch at the hole, widening it slowly. You claw, ignoring the stinging pain, the slipping of your wet fingers. Finally...finally the crack widens to a small hole. Wide enough that you can see outside for the first time in a long, long time. A small tremulous smile forms. You lean back, catching your breath, resting your hands, observing through the small window you so painfully created. 

You’re closer to what you wanted.  

[past-the-lights]

11/30/2016

I’m hoping to be published within a year...I’m not exactly sure what I want to have published, honestly. I book, an essay, my ramblings...putrid poetry, even. Who knows. I just want my voice, my thoughts, to be heard. Even if it’s something silly or serious. Be it a lifetime event or just minor observations that I take note of throughout the day. All I know is that music...music will be a huge part of what I write. 

[past-the-lights]

11/29/2016

Sometimes I wish I could just leave.

[past-the-lights]

11/23/2016

“And the World Was Gone” by Snow Ghosts...this song is so mellow and beautiful, even as it is heartbreaking. What is it about sad songs that makes them so appealing? I know the lyrics are the answer - there is so much effort put into these lyrics by the writers that it makes me wonder, on occasion, why anyone bothers listening to happy songs. I just close my eyes, let my head fall back and just the words twine around my heart. 

This isn’t the first time, nor will it be the last, that I write about sad songs. They are my favorite, even though I feel the strongest urge to weep when the lyrics relate to me. They’re exhilarating. They’re freeing. 

[past-the-lights]

11/22/2016

In this 49 degree weather, I’m burrowing into my sweater and smiling even though my hands are cramping and I can’t feel my nose.I love this weather...the cold brings a certain sense of calmness that I don’t feel the rest of the year. I can’t possibly pinpoint why...only that it makes my soul sing.