Past, Future & Present WE

For the month of July, I am doing a 250 word free writing challenge. This is me expressing myself free and unedited. Please comment from your heart.

[pastfuturepresentwe]

What does it look like to center love, joy, and liberation right now?

[pastfuturepresentwe]

Practicing integration

When I am here get a tightness in my chest, shoulders, throat. It’s why I haven’t been here in a year. I feel aimless. A follower, following nothing but an old pattern. It feels like a fight, judgement... My urge to teach them, purge their mountains of stuff, is overwhelming. It feels like my stuff. This integration is painful. I am writing, to stay centered. Loving, present. 

This time I am noticing, feeling... seeing us throw passive missiles into each other’s vicinity. 

Noticing when we are moved by guilt. Noticing when we try to use things to create joy. More and more things. If only there were enough things. 

I crave time alone and take it. (guilty). Sitting in it. Breathing through it. Birthing something new?

[pastfuturepresentwe]

muddling my way through Dec 25

Christmas. It’s something we’ve always done. But neither my parents nor my inlaws are practicing Christians. I am not Christian, nor is my husband. I don’t believe in Santa or the capitalist system that supports him. 

So where does that leave us? 

We’ll right now it leaves us at my parent’s home, we’ve just exchanged a ridiculous amount of gifts, my kids have been fed the Santa narrative from their grandparents and we haven’t stopped it. 

I’m not sure which way we will go. Right now, I’m trying to be present in the duality of this moment. Grateful for abundance that shows up as gifts. 

We will donate many of the gifts we receive. We will be together. We will be joyful. That’s what I know right now. We’ll continue to feel through it, moment by moment. 

[pastfuturepresentwe]

Drowning pain in white wine

A googly-eyed reindeer stares me down. A fire in the gas fireplace; a 10 foot decorated tree. 

I served myself salad on the dinner plate with the spaghetti, not in the appropriate separate bowl. I got “the look” from him. I’m latin, I had said, jokingly, I do it this way.

You’re Scottish AND Latin, he quips back. 

His response is poison. 

It’s true, my roots are Scottish, Irish and English on my father’s side. I’m white American on my father’s side. I do not have any connection to any of these cultures, beyond what has been assimilated here into white culture. I’ve gotten past trying to push it away (for the most part). 

But the words, they sting. 

They erase my mama’s ways, her people. My people.  I feel his fear that his grandchildren will be/are latin too. He knows what happens to minorities. He felt it when his people became white. He wants beyond want for assimilation to take hold. For us to be safe, in whiteness. 

Memories of our arguments about identity perk up their ears, sensing dangerous territory. I pour more white wine down my throat and reach for the bottle for more. I try to drown the sting. 

My identity is not up for any one to debate. 

[pastfuturepresentwe]

Holiday Wish List

Can I hold the space for all that I am, when I am in your space? 

Can I make space for me when I am a transplant, in places where past me’s could not thrive? Where people who could mold me like clay have not released that habit? Will I fall into their hands like soft putty? 

Will we align into the worn patterns of the past? 

Can I be softly, quietly, fully, gently shining and creating new pathways of being, in your space? 

I crave rest, can I rest in my new ways? Can I create life-giving moments with you, freely? 

Can I set new ways of being with your traditions of giving for me and my children, clearly and without judgement? 

Can we coexist fully and gently in our different truths?

[museofnewcreations-blog]

Chlorophyll

Two days ago, while out for a walk, I saw a tree awash in gold and crimson leaves. All the others around it held faded green leaves, browning at the edges, and hanging limply. The lone tree brought comfort. She was somehow managing to go through her life cycles in spite of the climate chaos around her. The sun shone brilliantly on her. Was she bringing hope to the others? On a recent work phone call, some colleagues and I did a go round answering the question, “What’s keeping you going?” One colleague, who keeps his face close in to the screen, widened his eyes, shook his head, and turned away from his computer’s camera briefly. He returned his gaze and spoke of traveling most of the fall to attend to family members in Florida, support resilience efforts there and in Puerto Rico, and further develop some documentary film projects centered around indigenous people, land, and water. His lips made a small o and he breathed out a sigh. His next words were about chlorophyll. He had just learned that chlorophyll is what keeps leaves green and during the fall chlorophyll drains from the leaf. In the process, the leaf reflects her true colors. It seemed like a non-sequitur, albeit a beautiful one. And then I wondered whether all of his expending of energy over these last few months could be seen as a draining that brought him to a deeper connection with his heart. Looking at his tired face on the screen, I hoped his pace would slow, and that he would have space to ground at home for a time. I hoped that the sun’s rays might fall on his face, illuminating all the beauty, strength, courage, and love he holds and offers to the world.

[lqb2reads]

[pastfuturepresentwe]

Integration

Rest. Breath. Pause. Silence. Unfamiliar - being open, curious, withholding judgement, noticing the urge to fight, the reflex to resist. Staying open. Guilt, rising. “Silence is violence.” “When we fight we win.” Making space. For possibility. For strategy. For love. For action, not reaction. For the space to consider.... thriving.

[pastfuturepresentwe]

Holding the duality of today

Heavily centering myself in this post. 

Thanksgiving. I don’t want to wish anyone a happy one. I don’t want to acknowledge that I am a part of celebrating at my inlaws house, people are coming over, there is turkey, and my grandmother’s recipe of creamed onions. There is tradition. 

This is fact. I am celebrating thanksgiving. I am not telling my family I opt out. I am here.  

It is what we have done. It is the time we come together as a family.  

I know what thanksgiving is. It marks colonization and genocide. And here I am in the thick of it. I’m trying to be wide open to this fact. To hold it and not squirm away. I don’t know what to do with it. Today I am here, at thanksgiving. Today I will sit with this. Experience the hypocrisy. Experience the duality. And I will acknowledge colonialism, genocide. I will speak it today. 

[pastfuturepresentwe]

facing truths

I’m kept up at night right now about TRUTH. I’m feeling so good and clear about my truths. But what about verbalizing them? There are times when it is easier to lie. Why I didn’t make it out to your birthday party (I didn’t really want to go)? Why I didn’t select you for the proposal (women and people of color on our team have talked to me about your micro-aggressions). I know these things are true, is it ok for me not to reveal these things to you? Isn’t it beneficial to be honest about these things?  I’m exhausted just thinking about all the truth I hold. And how much bravery is entailed to live it and speak it. Does it get easier? 

[pastfuturepresentwe]

Relinquish fear of liberation

I lit the palo santo today and it became consumed in flames. So much so I blew it out, for fear it would set off an alarm. 

  Fear.  Fire. Transformation. 

I’m coming up against a teacher that I have not let in for a very long time. A teacher that paralyzed me for years, released something I could not handle, I pushed things down within me so as not to get out of control. Loss of control is my biggest fear. Losing my mind. Losing myself. Being lost, being left. 

  I’ve had to medicate to keep it in check, to function. Is there something wrong with my brain? Am I crazy? Maybe I shouldn’t do this. Leave well enough alone.

Dread, stress, dreams, suspicion, anxiety. 

  As the event comes forward the fears mount and spiral - getting bigger and bigger - why are you doing this? You will not be the same, you will lose yourself, you will not be able to care for your children, you will be alone. You will cheat, you will lose everything. 

 Is this a teacher or a demon? 

 Afterward, who will be there to hold you? To understand? Are you being tricked? 

I have been there, so far gone, no one could get to me. I feared I would be trapped there forever, in panic, anxiety, fear. I can’t go there again. I can’t be there again.

I know I have tools, I know I have support, but I fear I’m just fucked up. That they will say, oh shit, well we lost one, oh well.

It took so long to build up these walls of safety…

Why are you doing this to yourself? Leave well enough alone.

But we aren’t well are we?

[pastfuturepresentwe]

The Work

I just had coffee with someone I respect, but who has little racial equity analysis. It reminds me of the dense divide. His premise is that we need to not be so sensitive about what divides us. I tried to convey the reality of the social, legal and physical constraints that need to be faced as we move towards liberation and regeneration. 

What is the work we are here to do? 

We need to transcend social constructs, isms and othering. Creating a beautiful, life-affirming world. Yes, we do. We must actively do this work. 

But, to get here we need to move through the discomfort, do the painful work - to stare what has been and what is in the face - and speak truth. We need both - we need to tear down the system that adds no value, and we need to build the new beautiful world we need now. We need to do both, simultaneously. 

What is the work of transformation? There is fire involved, burning - a life-cycle that includes death and rebirth. We cannot fear that part of the natural system.

Breaking down and composting the oppressive system, while building the new, is critical. Putting up a mirror, not in fear, not in hate, but with a loving rage* is essential. We need to understand and be aware of these systems to be free of them. We need to move through discomfort first, before we transform. 

* Loving rage - a concept introduced to me by Vatic Kuumba, through his play “A Furtive Movement”

Can we jump right to liberation and regeneration? 

[pastfuturepresentwe]

Tired.

I’m tired. The past 4 weeks have been a lot of work. I didn’t have the energy to start the writing challenge 9 days ago. Here I am, starting now. 

Some of that exhaustion is a story I tell myself. A story I want to tell others about how much work I am doing, how busy I am. Part of it is fear. Part of it is ego. Fear of burn out. Fear of not having enough energy for my kids. Also, I know myself. I need rest. I am best, when I rest. But some of that rest feels like a burden on my partner. I try to push through that and rest anyways. I deserve rest. He does too. How to reconcile this? Who’s responsibility is this? 

Ego is the other factor making an appearance. We’re working on this together, ego and me. Moving away from the busy = important fallacy. Making time for joy, for being here. 

So here I am. A bit dull from a rough night of dreams, and restless kids and mind. Tired from putting out mind and soul energy this weekend doing work I was put on this earth to do. Noticing the desired for quick replenishment. Bouncing back. Noticing that after a deep dive into this work, I crave sleep, alcohol, mindlessness. Noticing that I need one more day of recovery before delving into more work. Noticing the guilt that others don’t get the recovery they need. Breathing in freedom for me, modeling the world we can be... But very aware of privilege. 

I will take it easy. I will rest. I will do just enough. I will do things that give me energy. 

[pastfuturepresentwe]

Fear

My 2 year old flipped over the edge of the high chair yesterday and hit her head. She started throwing up and we ended up in an ambulance headed to children’s hospital.   

She’s fine now. But I will never forget that ambulance ride. The confusion in her eyes. I asked her a question and she looked confused. She wrinkled her brow, trying to understand. A dagger a fear pierced my heart. In an instant this bright funny, silly person could be taken away, from me. From us. From the world. Panic entered for a moment, realizing how quickly life could take us down a new path. 

30 minutes later she was back to her goofy self. Demanding bubbles in her oversized hospital gown, spinning around and around to make herself dizzy, asking for 'Elmo movie’, which we watched as she lay with her head tucked under my chin. 

Today, the fear is still here. It lingers around the high chair. It showed up in my embrace as she headed out the door with her babysitter. How do I let this go? Let her climb, play, and adventure? Be, learn, and love? This will not be the last time that I want to protect her, shelter her, save her. How do I lean in to the unknown, into freedom, trusting her own knowing? 

How do I love more, cling less - in the face of fear.

[pastfuturepresentwe]

Testing, Testing... 1, 2, 3 & Me

DNA Test disclaimer: You may learn information about yourself that you do not anticipate. Once you obtain your genetic information, the knowledge is irrevocable.

I’m opening the kit.

I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time. Who am I and what does it mean? 

How does it change things if I am not what I think I am? 

My guess for me, of White American father and Honduran mother:

50% Irish, Scottish, with a bit of English mixed in.

20% Iberian - (Spain)

10% North African/Middle Eastern (Moorish invasion of Spain)

15% Native American (Maya)

5% West African (Garifuna)

[pastfuturepresentwe]

Hello Chaos, hello stress, hello irritability. 

Hello yelling, hello impatience. 

Welcome, clutter! Welcome, Failure! 

I can’t say I missed you, but I knew you would be back. 

Hello, lack and scarcity

of time and space.

There you are! Clinging tight to my throat 

like a terrified child.

Oh, HEY, Impulse to do ALL THE THINGS and Perfection! I knew you were next up! 

Oh, wait  - someone’s at the door - oh, hey, Other People’s Stress! Yeah, you guys can’t come to the party. We’re full. NO.

Crowd ‘round, my friends: 

Breathe. Have some tea. 

Let me let you in on a little secret- Control is a myth sold to you by those who brought you the CONTAINer store. It doesn’t exist. We cannot be Contained. Our nature is to be Liberated. 

Be free, do what your intuition calls you to do,  

Simplify, Embrace, say No.

Do less, BE more.

There is enough. 

We’ve got this. 

[pastfuturepresentwe]

Scary stuff I need to do

Ask my neighbor, again, if she will stop smoking on our side of the house.

Talk to a White male sub-contractor on my project about not paying him his full fee because he didn’t complete project deliverables. 

Ok, universe. It’s out there. Action time.