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thoughts of a pathological narcissist with self suspected npd

[pathologicalnarcissus]

welcome to pathologicalnarcissus

I'm Gwyn.

This is my blog specifically dedicated to my experience with pathological narcissism/possible NPD.

I have a general disabilities blog: gwyndisabilityblog

Welcome, and I hope my experiences will be enlightening and show that narcissists are human beings too.

I don't really have a DNI save for bigots.

I'm not really the kind of person to shut the door on anyone because who knows, maybe my blog could change some hearts and minds.

[thevampirenarc]

So You've Learned You Have NPD

Realising you have NPD can be incredibly heavy. It is very common to feel lost, afraid or angry about this condition, which might feel like it’s come out of nowhere. For many of us, identifying our NPD can cause an intense "narc crash" or ego collapse as we are confronted with an acknowledgment of our deepest wounds and flaws, accompanied with a damning narrative from the outside world that we are irreparably broken, evil, and so on...it can also be incredibly difficult to find support or help, as some therapists may refuse to work with us, and the internet is full of ableism and vitriol that encourages our suffering.

The heaviest part of my realisation was believing that having NPD meant I was unfixable and doomed to suffer forever, that I was trapped and would never be able to escape the pain I caused myself and others. It felt like confirmation of my deepest wounds: that I was inherently bad, fucked up, unlovable and rotten at my core. Due to the intense stigma NPD carries, I felt like I couldn’t tell a soul without being rejected and hated. I felt isolated and alone and what I really needed was someone to see me and say, "you're gonna be okay."

If you’ve recently discovered that you have NPD and you're feeling lost, alone, angry or confused, I wrote this post for you.

Seek Community

All of the best advice, support and comfort I’ve received—not only for NPD, but for all of my disabilities and mental health issues—has come from community. Community holds a wealth of knowledge and frees us from feeling trapped, alone and misunderstood. To quote an anon's advice, “Community is hard to manage, care for and understand, but it is worth it.” This disorder makes connections with others difficult, confusing and often triggering, and fostering community can be hard work at times, but it is worth it. Isolation feeds the fear and shame.

Tumblr, Instagram, Reddit, Discord and so on—pretty much all social platforms have cluster B spaces and PD spaces where you will find people who see you as a human being, who will offer their advice and perspectives without judgment, and who don't need you to mask to celebrate you.

Safe Resources

The internet is full of demonisation, stigma and cruelty. You will come across things like “how to destroy a narcissist”. You will hear ableist rhetoric. Do not listen to that shit. Here are some safe places to find resources.

HealNPD on Youtube

NPD Recovery 2.2 Discord Server

@/npddiaries, @/pathologicalnarcissus, @/spirit.narc, @/neurodivergent.elf, @/autisticallyurs, @/kidsa1nt and more on Instagram (not all of these ppl have NPD but still have useful info, remember to check out highlights as well as grid posts!)

I also recommend my own account (of course, lol) and especially my post on Self Neglect, which includes a section about approaching healing when parts of ourselves are resistant to it. 

There are also so many potentially beneficial therapies, depending on what you want to work on, what you have access to, and what feels right for you. REBT or DBT might help if you struggle with a lot of unhelpful thought processes, emotional regulation and intense anger or distress. EMDR might help if you have a lot of PTSD symptoms or intrusive traumatic memories. CFT, IFS therapy, or shadow work might help with processing shame and reintegrating the parts of yourself that you are rejecting/suppressing/shutting out. Therapy can come in many forms: on your own with a workbook or journal; one-on-one online or in person; in a group setting, or as part of a programme. Even if you're not aiming for remission/recovery, there's probably something among those that can help your day-to-day life.

Therapy is really hard. It requires you to engage with your vulnerable self, the one you probably spend most of your time burying. I recommend taking your time and prioritising building rapport with a therapist (if you're working with one) and making sure they know their stuff and respect you as their client. You can't always wait until you feel safe and ready to be vulnerable because that might not come, but you can work on making sure you're cared for and supported even when it's hard and scary.

Words of Affirmation

There are a lot of unhelpful and untrue narratives surrounding NPD, as with all stigmatised conditions. Here are some truths that I have learned and I want you to know, if that feels helpful for you.

You can heal. Remission is possible. Change is possible. Your brain has neuroplasticity, and that means it can form new neural pathways and rewire itself with time and practice. If you have a habit, behaviour or thought pattern that isn’t serving you, it is totally possible to change it into something better. All that you have learned can be unlearned. You can heal.

You are not evil. There is no disorder or disability that inherently makes someone a bad person. Lack of or lower empathy isn’t evil. Attention-seeking or egocentrism isn’t evil. All people of all neurotypes have the capacity to cause harm or make bad decisions, and maybe you have hurt others and done things you aren't proud of, but you are not a monster. You don’t deserve to be dehumanised. You are not evil.

You deserve to have boundaries. Having NPD or any disorder does not mean you are inherently “manipulative”, "overdramatic" and “noncompliant” and therefore deserve to have your agency stolen and your boundaries eroded. Your needs are valid and your feelings matter. You are as deserving of autonomy and support as anyone else. You deserve to have boundaries.

You are already worthy. People with NPD typically have a deep-rooted sense of shame that drives a lot of the aggressive/defensive, self-enhancing and perfectionist behaviours. Learning to release yourself from shame is the key to getting better. You are good enough. Imperfect and messy, you are good enough. When you make a mistake or you make choices you aren’t proud of, you are good enough. You don’t have to evade, attack or deny, because your worth cannot be diminished by any imperfection. You are already worthy.

And Finally...

A little request from my fellow NPDers—if you have any other suggestions, advice or words of support for the newly diagnosed or questioning folk, please feel invited to include them in the reblogs or replies of this post so we can collate some resources here for those who need them :)

[pathologicalnarcissus]

WRITING ADVICE- making a pathologically narcissistic OC or OC with NPD: how to go about doing so

-Remember narcissists are human beings that cry, hurt, fear, love, and feel too. We have our impairments socially, but we're not robots. Don't write us as such.

-Acknowledge that narcissism is a spectrum and that there are different types of narcissists and ways narcissistic symptoms present. (Check out grandiose vs vulnerable narcissism mainly.)

-Instead of adding another abusive, cold-hearted, and fraudulent narcissist character into an oversaturated market of dehumanizing portrayals, consider making your narcissist OC a hero or flawed but ultimately human protagonist for the reader to empathize with.

-Consider the fact narcissism is a mental illness, and comes with challenges like perfectionism, low self worth, childhood trauma, and even severe repercussions like substance abuse, SH, and suicide.

-Don't go about "humbling" your narcissist OCs for audience schadenfreude or humiliating them for the butt of the joke or for cheap audience satisfaction.

-Generally avoid turning to google, YouTube, quora, and other places that promote misinformation and pop psychology, and instead look towards communities by folks with NPD for folks with NPD to get honest answers like a few of the below tags.

-Honestly just ask me about my lived experience, and I'll be happy to share.