Sorry to bother you, but could you explain this? Coincidence? Sorry, but I find it hard to believe... I can accept that you two had the same idea from the TV show How I Met Your Mother, but the same idea at the end of Chapter 1 (for you) and Chapter 2 (for her)? Well... not cool.
(Paula is my friend and a wonderful writer. And she doesn't deserve to have her work copied).
Just for you to know, this line is not from the show. I get the inspiration from my favorite movie "10 Thing I Hate About You". From the show I just got the title. Just this. 😔
Five years had passed, five years that I had been reborn, five years that I had returned to the woman of my life. And I couldn't be happier, now my life is complete. Or so everyone said, and I really had nothing to complain about, I was healthier than ever, I was married and had several jobs that occupied my days. But one thing was missing, one thing that because of my illness I could no longer give to Cait. A child, an heir, a love for the rest of our lives.
During our whole relationship we never talked about having children, our lives were already crazy and adding a child to our routine was not something we saw as a priority. Don't get me wrong, I love children, I have nephews just like Cait who come from a large family, but we could barely take care of each other or our relationship with all the movies and projects we were involved in, we didn't want our child to suffer with our absence, this was not how we wanted to have a family. But when we reached a point in our careers that would allow us some quiet time to finally grow our family, my illness left a permanent mark on my body that would prevent any project to add a new member to the Balfe-Heughan clan.
I became sterile, with all the aggressive treatments I had, this was one of the consequences, but while trying to save my life, neither Cait nor I thought about how such a small thing would affect our future in relation to all I had suffered. And really, it was a small thing compared to losing your life, but at the same time it would never be possible for me to create a new one, and that made me totally heartbroken. The first years we were married, we had a long honeymoon, we were happy just to be together and content. But time passed, our careers slowed down significantly and we had more time for other things.
That's when the emptiness hit, the thought that now might be the time to have a child even though we were already much older than any couple that would think about starting a family, but we never cared about that, age was such a relative thing, even more so after everything that had happened in my life. Cait and I never talked about it, about the desire that was in both of us, but that was too painful to express in words, out loud, so we stayed in silence, a painful silence that little by little was masked by other feelings.
I had become a sponsor of the children's cancer hospital and this brought me immense joy. It was there that I spent most of my time when I was not filming or involved in any other project. To those children, I was the eternal 007, the secret agent they were enchanted by and loved to listen to the stories I told them wearing my best tuxedo. And in those hours I really became a super agent, one who didn't have dangerous missions of life and death, but who could bring a little joy and courage to those little ones who for me were bigger than everything.
Cait helped me with all the publicity of my projects in favor of those children and I could see the joy on her face at each donation we received and at each thank you from another family that we were able to help through such a difficult time. But, of course, this mission that took up a good part of our time was not a happy one all the time, after all, we were dealing with a disease that was so treacherous that it didn't care about one's effort or courage.
One day I was leaving the hospital after telling another one of my stories when I saw a small commotion at the door of one of the rooms. I saw that several doctors I knew were gathered together with a look on their faces that told me something bad was happening. I was not a curious person, but if any of "my" children were going through something that I could help, I would want to know and so I approached them. What I didn't expect was to see that the patient they were so alarmed about was a baby! And a very small one at that, which brought a tightness to my chest almost instantly.
“We can't keep him here, it's not a safe environment, not next to the other children...and he's already weakened....” one of the doctors said worriedly.
“But the mother is still hospitalized, as much as we know she won't be here for long, this would be the closest place!” the other answered.
“We are in a children's hospital, we can't keep the mother here, she is not a child and we don't have the necessary infrastructure for her case…”
“Yes, we can keep her here! And that's the place they sent her, at least she's not on the streets anymore, imagine what would happen to this baby?”
I knew I was wrong to be there, the case they were discussing was totally out of my reach, but I couldn't help it. All I could think about was that totally defenseless baby who was already carrying a lot of baggage. I still wondered why the mother had been brought to a cancer hospital, why not a regular hospital? And the baby? Was he already sick? I noticed that the doctors had become silent and of course were looking at me questioningly.
“Mr. Heughan?” One of them called me. “Is there anything you need? Do any of the children need assistance?”
“No doctor, sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I couldn't help seeing the little baby...is there anything I can do to help? I know I can't offer much in the medical field, but from what I heard about the mother, she is probably in financial need and I would be happy to help!”
The three doctors looked at each other before turning their attention back to me.
“We don't have many details about the mother yet, she was rushed to the hospital, she was in labor and by the looks of it we were the only ones who agreed to do anything about it.”
“This is ridiculous! Why would a hospital do this?” I asked indignantly.
“Because she is sick, Heughan, and besides, she has no identity, no money and no information about her life.”
“But isn't that what a hospital is supposed to do? Help sick people? What about the baby? Don't people have hearts?” I still couldn't believe how anyone could turn their back on a sick woman about to give birth.
“Unfortunately not all people are like you, money is a hard factor to ignore lately in the health service, but it is not something we should discuss at this time...what we need to do is try to find out who this woman is and what we can do for her in the little time she has left.”
“Is she dying?” I spat out the words in an unexpected way.
“Yes, she came to the hospital with womb cancer and in terminal phase, unfortunately there is nothing we can do, it has already spread, probably by lack of care or diagnosis...she came here because someone left her in front of our door with only a note explaining her condition to the hospital, we don't know if she wrote it herself, she was in a lot of pain and soon fainted.”
I didn't know what to say, the words seemed to be stuck in my throat, my mouth was dry and all I could think about was how this woman must have suffered and probably alone. And the baby? It had survived, that much was clear, but did it have any sequelae from its mother's illness?
“A miracle was that the baby was born without any problems. We have never seen that before, he was conceived in a cancerous womb and did not suffer any damage! His only problem was to be born premature and underweight, but totally justified by the mother's situation. We are still going to do some more tests, but he is perfect!” one of the doctors said, seeming to read my mind.
“And what will happen to him? Since the mother…” I couldn't complete the sentence, I couldn't think of that little one so helpless, alone in this world.
“We will have to refer him to the social service, see if they can find a family that can adopt him, that is, of course, if we don't find anything about the mother, maybe she has a family, someone to take care of the child.”
I nodded, but I couldn't imagine a family that abandoned a sick and pregnant woman being able to take care of a newborn baby. The doctors thanked me for my attention and said that if there was anything I could do to help later, they would come to me.
I went home with my heart still tight, feeling totally useless for the first time in all the years I had been in that hospital.
POV Cait
I was at home taking care of some details of the Christmas dinner that we would have at our institution when I heard Sam coming in. Well, I imagined it was Sam and not one of our assistants who after a few years had already gained the freedom to have the key to our house. But I knew it was him, the unmistakable sound of his car key hitting the glass table, the place that he insisted on dropping it, even though I argued that it would scratch there and that we had a specific place for it next to the door.
I kept waiting for him to enter the office, but the footsteps never approached where I was standing and I found it strange. He always liked to come home from the hospital and tell me everything that had happened to the children he was so fond of.
“Sam?” I shouted and got no answer. “Love? Is that you?” I questioned, after all I could have been confused and it was only Marina or Lauren leaving something for us.
The silence continued and I decided to see if I wasn't going crazy, hearing people coming into my house when it could be just any other noise. But before I could get to the living room, I heard something that there was no way I could mistake, it was the sound of the liquor cabinet door being opened. And I couldn't be more sure, as I entered the room, I saw Sam pouring himself a shot of whisky while loosening the tie he was wearing, as well as taking his shirt out of his pants.
“Sam? Is everything okay? I called you and you didn't answer me...and isn't it a little early to be drinking?” I asked, laughing, but my laughter stopped when he turned to me and I saw his red eyes. “What happened?”
I was already close to him, trying to hug him, but he remained firmly in place, one hand holding the glass tightly.
“Baby, you're scaring me, what happened at the hospital? Was it one of the children?” At that very moment I put my hand to my mouth, I still couldn't deal with these losses, and unfortunately they happened more often than we wanted.
He took a deep breath and walked over to the sofa, throwing himself between the cushions trying to get comfortable, but it was clear that he was feeling totally uncomfortable about something.
“A baby Cait...so small, so helpless....” he mumbled the words.
“Oh Sam…” I couldn't imagine something like this happening to a baby, we always saw sick children and it already hurt so much.
I sat down next to him, and this time he accepted my embrace, tucking me into his arms in a loving way, as if to remind me how happy he was that I was there with him. We stayed like this for a while, hugging, in silence. The only noise I could hear was our breathing and Sam sipping his whisky. When the silence started to become uncomfortable, I asked my husband for more details and he finally told me everything he had witnessed. I was relieved to hear that the baby was alive, but soon my heart squeezed again when I learned about the mother and all the difficulties he would face.
With everything I heard from Sam, something that had been buried for some time in my heart returned with full force. Something that I had never told him, but that I knew he felt the same way, something that we had never had the courage to express openly: the desire to be parents. It was a delicate subject, I knew that it was impossible for Sam to give me a child and that it hurt him a lot, I knew it without having to hear it from his mouth, but I didn't hold any regrets, after all I had him there, alive, by my side every day. My friends and family always questioned me about expanding our family, but I always avoided arguing with them. I knew that there were other possibilities, like adopting, but I never had the courage to discuss them with him, and so time went by, we got older and the possibilities were forgotten.
I tried to comfort Sam with words that I knew would not be enough, but that was all I could offer at the moment. I decided to show how much we had raised that year for our institution, how much we had helped people in the same situation as the mother of that little baby. I saw my husband slowly transform and soon a small smile returned to his face and I thanked myself for still being able to leave him like that.
The following weeks passed quickly, we were so busy with all the preparations for the Christmas dinner that the subject of the baby in the hospital was forgotten in our minds. I couldn't see Sam properly, much less talk to him about anything other than the event. But I was happy, everything was getting perfect and it would be a great way to end a year that had brought us only good things.
Our careers were calmer, we were spending more time at home, which didn't result in less work, since Sam had all this volunteer work at the hospital, but it was something that was so good for him that I couldn't think for a minute of asking him to slow down a bit so that we could spend more time together. And I didn't mind some time alone at home, it was something I had deprived myself of for so many years, that I was now counting the seconds to put my feet up on my sofa and spend the afternoon watching my favorite series.
Of course, after a while I got a little lonely and that's when I did something that drove Sam crazy one day when he came home and found a new resident.
“A cat? Really, Cait?” he shouted when he saw the feline sitting in his place on the sofa. “And a lazy cat who already thinks he can sit in my place!”
I just laughed and went to introduce it properly.
“This is Adso!” I got a questioning look from Sam “Yes, I know, totally not creative, but after Ed I thought I would never have another one, but when I bumped into this cutie at the adoption fair, I couldn't say no! And you can confess, don't you miss having someone to give and receive affection...?”
“I have you Cait!” he said as if his remark was obvious.
“It's not the same thing!” I replied, running my hand over Adso, who only purred in response.
“Of course not, it's much better!” he said sitting down beside me.
“Whoever hears it thinks you don't like cats! I'm sure that in a while the one who won't let go of Adso will be you!”
And I was totally right, that cat was totally spoiled by Sam. I couldn't hold back my smile as I remembered when Sam tried to convince me that it was he who had torn up my favorite pillow, and not our little monster. Now I was sitting in front of the big mirror in our bedroom putting the finishing touches on my makeup for our big dinner. In keeping with the Christmas theme, I was wearing a long red dress that barely let me breathe, but it had left my husband speechless and that was enough sacrifice to put it on. My hair was shorter now, I had adopted the cut for practicality and could not go back to having it long. To finish the look, a red lipstick that made me look sexy, as Sam always said when I wore it.
I heard his footsteps from afar and turned around to see how stunning my husband looked that night. At my request, he was wearing his best kilt, as well as his jacket and vest. A perfect Scotsman and even with his hair going gray, he was just as attractive as when I first met him. He cracked a smile when he saw me and I couldn't hide my satisfaction at seeing his eyes darken in desire as he looked me up and down.
“Cait…” he spoke with emotion in his voice, something that disconcerted me, something had happened. “I have a gift for you…”
“But we promised that we would only exchange gifts after dinner!” I said frustrated, I could never get over my husband's surprises.
“I know, but this gift can't wait...in fact it's something I didn't expect, something that goes beyond anything I've ever been able to give you until today.” he spoke and I saw that tears were forming in his eyes.
“Sam...you are scaring me, not in a bad way, but I am thinking that my gift to you was totally wrong.”
“No, actually this gift is something we both wanted, but never said out loud...it's something I thought I could never give you, something impossible.”
I saw that a small tear ran down his face and I couldn't help but feel a tightening in my heart. What was this gift? But before I could say anything else, he left the room in quick steps, and when he returned I couldn't help but be surprised to see what he was carrying.
“Sam!” and it was the only thing I could say before I felt my heart almost burst out of my chest. I was lucky that I was still sitting down, because my legs felt weak as well as the rest of my body.
“Cait, meet Oliver Balfe-Heughan...our son.” his last words came out full of emotion.
The tears started streaming down my face without me even realizing it. I tried to get up to go to them, but my legs wouldn't obey me, I was shaking so much that I couldn't hold back the sobs. Sam didn't leave me helpless and quickly approached me, tucking little Oliver between our bodies. And how perfect he was! His hair was so blond you could hardly see the feathers on top of his head, his cheeks were pink and his big eyes looked at me curiously, they were a shade I couldn't define, a mix between brown and green, in short, perfect.
Sam carefully placed him on my arms and I felt something I couldn't explain, a greater emotion than anything I had ever felt before, nothing could compare to having my son in my arms, my son, our son, it was so surreal to think about it, but now I couldn't think of not having him there, with me, with Sam.
“Who said there is no such thing as a Christmas miracle?” Sam said, running his fingers over our son's face. “Cait, I love you more than anything and now I can say that…”
“We are complete!” I completed his sentence and he smiled, kissing me right away. “I love you, Sam! But now you have some good competition.” I smiled when I saw that Oliver had grabbed Sam's finger with all the strength he possessed, making us smile like fools.
Yes, Christmas miracles really do exist.
Notes:
And that's it! One more story coming to an end! Thank you so much for all the comments and likes!! You always make my days better! I don't know when I'm going to come back with a new story, I have some ideas, but nothing ready yet! I hope to find inspiration soon! Thank you again and I hope to see all soon! ❤❤❤
She said yes! She said yes! We were finally going to get married and I was well, I was healthy, and I was there because of her and for her. Our marriage might seem silly to other people, after all we had been living together for so long that we treated each other as husband and wife, but to make all this official was important to me, it was important to show Cait that she was the most important thing in my life now, more important than my career, more important than everything, I didn't know how to show that except declaring my love in front of the people who were part of our lives.
And what a life! This last year we have been through so many things that I never imagined I would go through, and the beginning of my career was not easy, I went through so many tests, so many trials, but nothing close to what I had gone through these last months. Now was not the time for more sadness, more regrets and tears. I wanted to be able to celebrate being alive, being with the woman I love and that the tears that came were tears of joy, I was tired of suffering and making her suffer too. We were ready to have fun and enjoy my rebirth.
Cait looked like a child with a new toy and showed off her ring to everyone around us with a wide smile on her face. I laughed seeing this side of her again, I couldn't contain my smile seeing that the Cait I had fallen in love with was back, she was there, light and happy, and best of all, proud to be by my side, to be mine and I to be hers. And now officially. But as thrilled as she was about our wedding, she wanted to wait longer, she wanted to make sure that I was okay, that I was totally free of the disease.
I couldn't deny her that time, no matter how anxious I was to tie our ties officially. After all she had been through for me, this was the least I could do. So we waited. I continued to follow up with my doctor, even though now more rarely, I still took medications and did periodic tests, but now I felt like myself again. I resumed my exercise routine, my body was responding well and getting back to a healthy appearance. I knew that I would not go back to what I was before, even more so because I was not so young anymore, the 40+ years of age were starting to weigh on me, but I didn't care, I was fine and felt good when I saw my reflection in the mirror, even if it still had some gray hairs that didn't exist before.
We took advantage of the rest of the year to resume our career, even if it was little by little. Neither Cait nor I wanted to go back to the crazy pace we had before, we wanted to enjoy our time together and also plan the perfect wedding, even if it was a simple one. Without thinking twice we chose the place, we had to get married in Scotland, not because it was my homeland, but because it was where everything started, where we met and lived the most important years of our lives, it had to be there. We thought about having the ceremony in Glasgow, but an idea came to my mind and Cait agreed with my madness.
Where would our ceremony take place? On the Isle of Skye, one of the most beautiful and iconic places in Scotland, and a place that meant so much to us. Of course, having a wedding there would not be easy, the summer temperatures were mild, but nothing compared to the heat we were now used to in LA. But Cait said she didn't mind and we went ahead with our plan. We invited few people, only close friends and our families, but those people who mattered.
I was never afraid to show my love for Cait, I was never ashamed to speak up and show it to everyone, even though I had always been a little shy. I knew that she was a reserved person, but over the years I managed to make Cait's fortress fall and now we looked like two teenagers in love and not hiding it from anyone. During all the wedding planning, I kept thinking of something special for her, to show how much I loved her and wanted everyone to know, just the vows were not enough, at least not for me.
Time passed quickly and now I was in the hotel room where our wedding would take place. After much searching, we had chosen the Raasay Distillery, yes, besides being a hotel with a wonderful view, it was a distillery! It couldn't have been more perfect, whisky was something that couldn't be left out and I was looking forward to having some after so long without. Joining me in the room were my brother and my best friends. Everyone was anxious to see if I would be able to fulfill what I had promised to do for Cait at the ceremony. After I got ready, I looked in the mirror and couldn't be more pleased. I was wearing a kilt, of course, not only because I was Scottish and getting married in Scotland, this had been a request from the bride and I could not deny it! I was also wearing a black vest and jacket. I had cut my hair a bit even with protests and a small argument when I showed up at home after cutting it, but I wanted to look presentable at my wedding and long hair was much harder to deal with in the Scottish weather.
I straightened my clothes one last time and walked to seal my fate. And I couldn't wait!
POV Cait
How could anyone stay calm on their wedding day? I couldn't sit in that chair any longer, but my makeup wasn't finished yet. I wanted something simple, but after the insistence of my sisters and friends who practically attacked me when I said I would do everything myself, I accepted the help of a professional. I was anxious, I wanted to see how everything had turned out, we had planned so much and the hotel had a wonderful view.
I knew that Sam had prepared something special, my dear bridesmaids couldn't hide the silly smile they brought every time they left the room to see how everything was, but of course they didn't tell me anything, they only said that they were happy to see me there, dressed as a bride. I had chosen a simple dress, after all we were going to have something simple, outdoors, and I never liked voluminous and shiny dresses. I wasn't going to wear a veil or many ornaments, I knew it wouldn't please many people, but what I cared about was seeing Sam's reaction, my fiancé and future husband.
After I was completely ready, I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror. What miracle had that makeup artist worked? I looked so young, so light. For so many months I had carried dark circles under my eyes that I could hardly recognize myself without them, but I was happy, I was really unconcerned about everything, I mean, almost everything, I was still worried about Sam's reaction, would he like what I had chosen? Would it be enough? But seeing the teary eyes of my bridesmaids, I was sure that everything would work out. Without thinking much more, I walked to the door, it was time, I would freeze with the summer weather of the island, but I would be the happiest woman in the world doing this.
I knew that everyone was ready for me, I could see my future husband from afar in all his Scottish regalia, Sam was a hard person to pass unnoticed, even more so wearing a kilt. I smiled and wanted to run to him, but my father approached me and taking my arm calmed me down, we would take it easy, I didn't need to run, not anymore, Sam wasn't going anywhere. As we started walking, I heard the first notes of a song I knew very well, no, this was not the song I had chosen to enter, but soon I saw Sam coming down the small step with a microphone in his hand.
Was he crazy? What did he intend to do? And soon the first verse of the song rang in my ears with Sam's deep voice, his voice laden with the accent I loved so much. Yes, he was crazy, but I couldn't hide my smile and the tears that wanted to escape from my eyes.
My gift is my song
And this one's for you
And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is
Now you’re in the world
Sat on the roof
And I kicked off the moss
Well some of these verses
Well they’ve...they’ve got me wuite cross
But the sun’s been kind
While I wrote this song
It’s for people like you that
Keep it turned on
So excuse me forgetting
But these thing I do
You see I’ve forgotten
If they’re green or they’re blue
Anyway, the thing is
What I really mean
You got the sweetest eyes
I’ve ever seen
And you can tell everybody
This is your song
It may be quite simple
But now that it’s done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is
Now you’re in the world
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgRkMyW_J5U
It was a version of my favorite song from my favorite movie, yes, he was singing it like in "Moulin Rouge", which we had seen so many times before, so many times with me singing along and getting emotional with Ewan McGragor. And so many times Sam had made fun of me for saying that he was much better than the actor. Now I could say that I felt luckier than Nicole Kidman, even without a perfect voice and most of the time shaking with emotion. It didn't matter, he was being wonderful just for having the courage to do this for me in front of everyone, for not caring that he looked as foolish in love as I was by smiling and crying at the same time, and not caring that I ruined my makeup at the very beginning of the ceremony.
The walk to Sam seemed to be the longest I had ever walked, but I finally got into his arms and didn't leave until the end of the ceremony. He was everything to me, my lover, my best friend, my safe haven, and now I could say he was my husband, for the rest of our lives and beyond. I never thought I could find so much happiness in just one person, but Sam brought me things I never imagined I would feel, emotions of all intensities, joys and some sorrows too, but we overcame everything together because he was my other half, my complement, my total opposite and at the same time my total similar, after all, we were one and I couldn't be happier about it. As we declared in our vows "you are my dream come true, my one and only you."
The End!
Notes:
Sorry for the delay to post this chapter, I had a lot of things to do today that was not planned! But now one more story ended and I'm really happy with all the comments and support that I've received. Thank you so much!!! ❤❤❤ On Wednesday I'll post the epilogue. I hope you like it!
I was amazed at Sam's strength, I always knew that he tried hard in everything he did, but of course I never expected him to get sick and go through trials he couldn't even imagine. The chemotherapy sessions were already ending, but they were intense and left him exhausted.
What surprised me was that I always saw a smile on his face when he saw me in his room every day. I couldn't leave his side, even though some days I was exhausted from not sleeping well and was always worried that he would be sick in the early hours of the morning, no, I couldn't afford to go home when I knew he would be lonely. The doctor left me guidelines that I had to follow to the letter to avoid any problems, I had to always wash my hands before touching Sam, as well as avoid too much contact, like hugging and kissing. This part was the hardest, how horrible it was not to be able to comfort him when he wasn't feeling well, but I couldn't jeopardize the greater goal
The day we were most looking forward to finally arrived, the day of the transplant. And it was a quick process, lasting two hours at most, it was like a blood transfusion, the marrow, after being collected from the donor, was stored in bags like blood bags and then inserted into Sam. The problem was that the liquid used to preserve the marrow could cause some symptoms such as nausea, discomfort in the throat and some others that I knew Sam was used to, unfortunately. I was able to stay with him through the whole process and while it was a relief to see that he was finally getting what would make him well, it was distressing to see him not feeling well and not being able to do much more than hold his hand.
But I could see it in his eyes, he was relieved, the process was still far from over, only the worst was over, he had made it and I couldn't be more proud of my little great Scottish warrior. After the transplant, we would still be in the hospital for a while longer, yes plural, I would not leave his side.
“Cait, I am fine and I know you have your commitments, you can't put your career on hold because of me.” Sam said one night in the hospital, two weeks after the transplant.
“I know you are fine, and I know very well about my commitments, I have never stopped working, I'm just not attending events and I can assure you that I don't miss a thing, being here with you is much better!” I smiled at him.
“I don't want to be a burden to you, I can't leave here, but nothing is stopping you from seeing some sunlight…”
“Sam! Stop it! I'm tired of saying that we are in this together, and that includes all the moments, both the good and the bad ones. I know that now is not the best moment, but soon we will be able to enjoy the sunlight together!” I said, holding his hand.
How I wanted to hug and kiss him, to show him how much I loved him and how everything was fine, but I couldn't. This post-transplant phase was a very difficult one. This post-transplant phase was very important, Sam was now like a baby, he had no immunity to anything and had to avoid as much as possible contact with other people, as well as going to places with many people. His discharge was near and he would have to spend at least six months at home, with weekly medical follow-ups at first, and after a while, if everything went well, monthly appointments until he was fully recovered.
It was a long process and we had to be very patient. As expected, the doctor released us to go home the following week, with millions of recommendations and hundreds of medications that Sam had to take rigorously. But the best thing was that he was home, and even though he couldn't go out, he could have the freedom to walk around, sunbathe, and work. That was why he was anxious, I knew that Sam could never stand still, he was not like that and never would be.
Our organization was in full swing and he was happy to finally be able to answer everyone who had helped, both with donations and with messages of love and strength throughout the process. We had already been at home for a few months, I had decided to take a break from my career to be with him, even though he said he could do it all by himself, I wanted to be there by his side all the time, watching him gain weight again, his hair grow, and his strength and enthusiasm return, it was beautiful to see my Sam come back to life.
“I'm starting to see some curls wanting to come back!” I said as I ran my hand through his hair, which was finally growing back.
“Yeah, I never imagined I would miss this messy hair so much!” he said, taking my hand that was on his hair and kissing it.
Without me having time to react, he pulled me onto his lap and kissed me.
“Sam!” I said angrily, pulling away from him. “You know we can't do that!”
“Oh Cait, just a little kiss, I promise I'll take care of myself later and I know you're clean.” he said laughing.
“This is no joke!” I said seriously.
“I know.” he replied with the same seriousness. “I'm just dying to be with you! Do you know how hard it is to spend everyday with you without being able to touch you the way I wanted to? Or just kiss you?”
“Of course I know, have you by any chance forgotten how you look, Heughan? What woman can resist your charm?”
He just laughed. We had to calm down, the worst was over, the doctor was enthusiastic about Sam's recovery, he was responding very well, his platelet count had increased considerably and his visits to the hospital for medication had decreased. It was only a matter of time before his life would become normal again, and I was very much looking forward to it.
“Can you believe it has already been a year?” Sam said as he took my hand.
We were sitting in the doctor's office, he had ordered some tests for Sam and we were finally going to know if everything was within the normal, expected range for that stage.
“Sam, Cait.” The doctor entered the room and greeted us. “I'm glad to have you here to finally give you the good news, but I wouldn't have expected anything else, I knew Sam would be able to overcome this small obstacle!” he said smiling, emphasizing the small . “And now I can say that he is practically a normal person, he still has to continue with some medications, but the number of platelets and leukocytes is practically normal and we can start with all the vaccines to fully protect his immune system.”
I couldn't contain my smile as we left the doctor's office, he had made it, I already knew that he was well, he looked like the healthy person that I knew him to be years ago, only his look was different, he was more mature, more experienced, but of course he never lost that playfulness, that was his essence and he wouldn't be him without it. His hair had grown, with curls everywhere. I had forbidden him to cut it, and he just laughed when I said this, saying that he would not cut it any time soon! He had started exercising again, of course not as much as before, but his body seemed to thank him for the movements, just as I did.
“I think we can go out to celebrate, what do you think?” I asked him while we were in the car.
“Yes we will celebrate, but we are not going anywhere, this celebration will be at home and I already know exactly what I want to do!” he said determined, but I could see a slight smile on the corner of his mouth.
“Oh yeah?” I said crossing my arms and looking at him seriously, but I was also terrible at hiding my smile.
“Ahem, you know I've had a lot of time to think about all the things I wanted to do with you when I was strong and healthy enough…”
I could no longer hide my smile as his hand was on my thigh, making circular movements. We arrived home in record time and he wasted no time in showing me everything he had thought of. How good it was to be with him like this, how good it was to see his satisfied smile, how good it was to feel loved in every way and to be able to show this to him as well.
“You have no idea how much I missed you....” he spoke as he ran his hand slowly down the side of my body, sending a shiver down my spine. “Being next to you and not being able to touch you, to kiss you, was the worst torture I could suffer, but at the same time I couldn't imagine being away from you, not even for a second.”
I wanted to say something, to say that I felt the same way, but the words seemed to be stuck in my throat and all I could do was get goose bumps with every caress he made on my body.
“Cait, you know how they say that the day of the transplant, is the day we are born again and it's really true, that day I knew I was having a second chance and I would make the most of it, I wouldn't stop doing anything I wanted, I wouldn't put it off for later because I could see that we never know when our life might end...and since I was close to it, I never wanted to think that I wouldn't be here now, but it was inevitable...if it wasn't for you and your stubbornness, I don't think I would have tried so hard…”
There, now my tears were running down my face and all I could do was squeeze Sam's arm, who was close to me.
“Cait, what I want to say with all of this is that I can't live without you, I can't imagine my life without you by my side, I know we've been together for practically a decade and it scares me to see that that time has gone by so fast and that I've almost missed everything, almost missed the opportunity to one day see you walk up to me in a white dress, Cait, I don't want to postpone anymore, I don't want to just call you girlfriend anymore....” he stopped talking, turned on his side, and seemed to look under the bed for something. When he turned around, I already knew what he was going to do and couldn't stop myself from crying and smiling at the same time, it still amazed me how Sam always managed to leave me like this with just his words. “Cait, will you marry me?”
And these words came accompanied by a beautiful shiny ring that he held nervously, I could see his hand trembling, anxious for an answer. How could he think I wouldn't accept?
“Do you still need to ask?” I spoke, opening a smile that grew wider as I saw the joy on his face.
“I love you, only you.” Sam spoke as he placed the ring on my finger.
“Only you.” I reaffirmed.
Only you, can make all this world seem right
Only you, can make the darkness bright
Only you, and you alone, can thrill me like you do
And fill my heart with love for only you
Only you, can make all this change in me
For it's true, you are my destiny
When you hold my hand, I understand
The magic that you do
You're my dream come true
My one and only you
Only you, can make all this change in me
For it's true, you are my destiny
When you hold my hand, I understand
The magic that you do
You're my dream come true
My one and only you
One and only you
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCl5EhRjbsY
Notes:
I know that it was a shorter chapter, but it was so special!! Be prepared for some happy moments that our couple deserve so much!!
Another emotional chapter, but maybe we will have some good news? 🤭❤ Thank you again for all the support!
POV Cait
Cause your love is my love
And my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
And my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVBF6MPIDzQ
The hours inside that hospital seemed endless. After the conversation with the doctor, Sam had slept due to the strong medication he was taking, and I took the opportunity to take the blood test that would determine if I was a match or not. Now I was sitting in the small armchair next to the bed Sam was sleeping in, anxiously awaiting the results of the test.
I looked at my little giant, he looked so fragile with all those tubes connected to him, but at the same time he looked so serene sleeping. I knew that the news given by the doctor had scared him, how could it not? I had been totally devastated hearing all this, and I wasn't even the person who would suffer the most from it all. But as I had promised, I would be there for him, with him, and I think this calmed him down, in fact, it calmed us down. We needed to be united as a couple, to be on the same page and now I was sure that was how we were, he had finally let me into the little fortress he had built to fight against this disease and now we were both against everything.
I got up and sat down in the small space next to him on the bed. I ran my hands through his hair, those blond curls that I loved so much and that I knew would soon be gone. Without realizing it a few tears began to fall and soon a pair of blue eyes were staring at me.
“Hey, why are you crying?” he spoke in a hoarse voice.
“Oh, it's nothing, just a silly thing…” I answered, trying to wipe the tears, but he held my hand.
“You never cry over silly things and you know it.” He brushed his thumb across my face, wiping the tears away and at the same time caressing me to calm me down.
“It's just that I've been thinking that in a while I won't have these beautiful curls to run my hands through.” I said, trying to smile as I ran my hand through his hair.
“If you want I can borrow the wig I used to wear as Jamie.” he said trying to be serious, but I could see the smile forming on the corner of his mouth.
“Oh no! I don't want to see what they call hair on you anymore! In fact, they've probably started using it as a mop by now!”
Sam started to laugh and I laughed along with him, we really hated that wig.
“You know I look good anyway, even bald!” he said when he stopped laughing, winking at me.
“Hmm, I suppose we'll have to see about that! But at least I know that your humbleness is huge and you won't have any problems with the new look!” I replied trying to play along, but a tear kept falling. What was my problem? Why couldn't I stop crying? I couldn't stay like this all the time next to Sam, it wouldn't help at all!
“You always know I've been humble...baby, look at me.” he said, pulling my face closer to him. “You know you don't have to be strong all the time, don't you? I also have my bad days, my sad moments, but isn't that why we're here? To support each other when needed? You can cry, even if it's about my hair, you'll feel better when you let it all out, I promise I'll be here... especially since I can't go anywhere right now!” he laughed and pulled me to his chest, resting his chin on my head.
I let go of everything that had been trapped inside me since the moment I arrived at the hospital, from the moment I knew that there was something wrong with him at home. Sam just held me, the way he could, caressing my arm and whispering words of comfort that I couldn't understand, but that calmed me down, as did feeling his body close to me. I don't know how long we stayed like that, I looked like a child all curled up in his lap, crying and sometimes laughing at some stupid thing he said to cheer me up, and there were times when I didn't even know if the tears that were falling were from joy or sadness, but I knew that a weight had left my chest.
Our moment was interrupted by the doctor who had returned with the results of my test. Surely he was used to witnessing scenes like that, but that didn't diminish his astonished look when he saw me lying practically on Sam's lap, my eyes swollen and red from crying, not to mention my hair that looked like it had been blown away by a hurricane after all the caresses I had received. But when he approached us, I noticed a slight smile on his face. The scene might not be ideal for him as a doctor, but it was perfect to demonstrate our union and affection for each other.
“Is the test ready?” I asked anxiously, getting out of bed and trying to make myself look a little more presentable.
“Yes, and I decided to give you the result in person.”
I noticed that Sam's eyes were glued to the doctor's as well as mine, why the delay to tell us the result? Our anxiety was greater than anything.
“Unfortunately you are not a match Cait.” the doctor spoke bluntly.
My eyes went straight to Sam, he didn't say anything, but I could notice his disappointment, I was also like that, I knew that being a match was something difficult, but I had this hope, this foolish hope of making the romantic gesture of donating my bone marrow and saving the love of my life, only that this was the real world and things couldn't be as easy as in the movies. Before I could say anything, we heard someone enter the room.
“But I am!” I heard the voice behind the doctor that I knew very well.
“Marina?” Sam asked low.
“Yes Sam, it's me and that's exactly what you heard, I'm a match and I'd be more than honored to donate and save the life of my dear boss!” she said with a wide smile on her face while I could see tears forming in her eyes.
“No, I can't ask that of you.” Sam said softly, unable to look her in the eye.
“You're not asking, I'm offering, and besides, didn't you read that clause in our employment contract that said I have a duty to always assist my client? So, I'm just doing my job…” she said with a smile, but now the tears were no longer being held back.
I couldn't say anything, I just ran to where Marina was standing and hugged her tight, and here I thought my gesture would be romantic? She had just made the most beautiful gesture of friendship, yes, it wasn't just work anymore, it was friendship, love, consideration.
“If you don't mind me interrupting this beautiful moment, I wanted to thank my beautiful assistant?”
Sam said, making us both laugh.
Marina walked over to the bed and Sam stretched out his arms, she just smiled and hugged him. I smiled at the scene, and when I saw his eyes shining, looking over her shoulder at me, I just nodded my head in agreement with his wordless statement. That was enough for Sam to close his eyes and let the tears fall, tears of happiness and relief. The next thing I knew I was crying too, my God, how could I still have tears? I laughed when I thought about it.
POV Sam
As much as everyone told me not to lose hope, I wasn't so sure if I would get a compatible donor, the chances were small and with each no I received, I lost a little more of the little hope I had. I knew that Cait wanted to help me, she wanted to be a match, and I thought it was beautiful that she thought this could be the most romantic of gestures. But I would never have imagined that the romantic gesture would not come from her, but from Marina.
She hadn't said anything about doing the test and I hadn't asked either, she was already doing much more than her function as assistant, since I discovered my disease she was everything and more. I didn't know how to define our relationship, but I didn't need a label, she was important to me and that was enough. Just her support during the whole period that Cait and I were apart was already more than I could ask for and now she was here in front of me with a smile on her face and tears in her eyes saying that she was compatible with me!
I had no words to show what I was feeling, but she accepted my hug as a thank you. Until that moment I was holding back my tears, my emotions, I was trying to be firm and optimistic, but when I heard that the hope that seemed distant was there in front of me, I couldn't keep anything inside me and to see Cait happy was the best feeling I had felt so far, to see that the tears she was shedding were not for sadness that I had caused but relief.
But nothing would be that simple, the transplant was no guarantee that everything would be fine, that the cancer would disappear overnight. First of all I would have to undergo intense chemotherapy sessions in order to destroy the malignant cells and thus be able to receive healthy bone marrow cells so that they could multiply and take the place of the malignant cells and produce blood cells. And the transplant also brought risks, my body could reject it, I could have infections and lesions in some organs, in short, nothing would be easy and my fight was just beginning.
Except that now I was more determined than ever, the hardest thing had been accomplished, I had a compatible donor and now everything depended on my strength, on my body responding to everything, but I knew I had the support I needed and she would never let me give up. The doctor explained how everything would be done, my pneumonia delayed the whole process a little, but after a week in the hospital I was ready to start my chemo sessions.
“Are you sure about this?” Cait said, holding the hair clipper in her hand.
“I don't want any nurse to do that, Cait, and besides, I'm relieved that I'm going to have to shave it all off anyway because I know you'd do a poor job on my head if you were planning on leaving any remaining hair.” I laughed and she looked at me seriously.
I knew that for her this was no joke, she had already cried several times because of my hair. It wasn't simply vanity, it was everything it symbolized, but I was taking the loss of my hair as a step towards my healing.
“Cait.” I said, making her look at me. “This is just one more thing we have to go through for me to be okay, we're in this together, aren't we?” I took her free hand and squeezed.
She took a deep breath and started to shave my head, but at no point did she let go of my hand, on the contrary, as my hair fell, I felt my hand being squeezed tighter and between the noise of the machine, I could hear her sobbing, I knew it was hard for her, as it was for me that without even noticing, I felt hot tears running down my face while some strands of hair got caught between our entwined hands.
The days went by, soon becoming weeks. The doctor thought it best not to leave the hospital between one chemotherapy session and another, I was very weak and he didn't want to increase the risk of me contracting any other disease, even if it was a simple cold. I always received visits from our assistants and friends, but they were controlled and short. Cait wouldn't leave my side and no matter how exhausted I saw her, I couldn't find the courage to send her home, she was my strength, my support after each session, who held me while I was ill and who cuddled me until I fell asleep after an intense day of pain.
One day she had gone out to take care of some work things and came back excited, with a smile on her face.
“They are finally done!” she said excitedly.
“What?” I asked confused.
“The T-shirts! We are going to start selling them today and I think we need a selfie!”
How could I have forgotten that? Cait had told me that she was going to make T-shirts for our charity and all the profit would go to help cure cancer. She did this every year, I always helped her to choose the artwork, but this year she had not let me help, it would be a surprise.
“And you will finally let me see it?” I said, curious.
“Of course! Wait a little while, I'll be right back!” she said, going to the bathroom.
“And since when are you shy to change in front of me?” I shouted for her to listen.
“Since one of the nurses caught me in a bra in front of you and thought I was the most depraved person in the world, since you were in the middle of a session!”
I laughed as I remembered this scene, Cait had spilled coffee on her blouse and decided to change it, but she hadn't expected the surprise presence of the nurse who thought she was stripping for me, who was in the middle of yet another chemo session. And why couldn't that be true? She was just trying to entertain me...
“So, what do you think?” Cait said, leaving the bathroom with a broad smile on her face.
The t-shirt had my picture, of course, and the phrase "I will survive" underneath.
“It couldn't be the lyrics of another song, could it? I sense a slight joke from you behind all this!” I said, laughing as I remembered Gloria Gaynor's song.
“I knew you'd understand!” she laughed. “But seriously, what do you think?” she spoke more seriously and moved closer to me.
“It's perfect! Like everything you do!” I answered and kissed her. “But I still don't think I'm important enough to be printed on your shirt.”
“Now you're being modest, Heughan?” she laughed. “Let's take a selfie wearing them so we can promote the launch?”
“You can take one alone, I guarantee you'll be much more successful.” I said dryly.
I didn't want to take a picture, I had no hair, dark circles under my eyes and I was thin. I wasn't even remotely who the fans admired, no, I wouldn't take any selfie.
“Sam.” Cait said, lifting my face so that she could look into my eyes. “I know what you're thinking, but no one will care what you look like, not if they're your real fans. I want to show that there is a real person behind the star Sam Heughan, a person who is going through hard times and hasn't given up on life! A person who cares and is dedicated to helping others, and that is what we are doing with this t-shirt.”
She was right, as always, but I didn't know if I was prepared to show this fragile side of myself to others, no one had seen me except my family and friends, I knew that people were shocked and often could not disguise their sadness at seeing me like that. And of course the comparison was inevitable, they would always remember how I was a year ago...
“I think you need to see something!” Cait said, handing me her cell phone.
It was a video that the fans had made for me. There were messages of support, from all over the world, from the different fan clubs I knew, and even some fans who had shaved their heads, as well as my friends, from the gym, from the cast. I couldn't imagine how they had managed to put it all together, there was even our entire Outlander family! And finally the message that moved me the most, were the children of the hospital I had visited the month before, the boys dressed as 007 and all saying the phrase that was printed on the t-shirt that Cait was wearing at the moment.
“If you wanted to make me look even worse to be in the picture, you succeeded!” I said, laughing with tears in my eyes.
“At least now you know that you are loved and cherished by many! As I said before, you are not alone and never will be!” she said hugging me.
“Have I told you today that I love you?”
“Yes, but it's always good to hear it one more time!” she smiled and kissed me. “I love you too! And now let's put on this shirt and take a picture!”
And with red eyes, deep dark circles under my eyes, and a tired expression on my face, I took the selfie that would be more successful than all the others with a healthy look. And the T-shirts? They sold out in the first hours of sales.
What can I say? Sorry in advance (for the possible tears) and please listen to the song from this chapter (I put the link!). Thank you so much for all the comments and support!! ❤❤
POV Cait
The days went by and Sam got further and further away from me, we still had some moments together, like when we went to sleep, he always hugged me, even if unconsciously, but most of the time he was locked in his office or out on business. I knew I should confront him, I was not usually so apathetic and he knew it, but I was worried about his health, about his reaction to what I was going to say, what if he pushed me away for good? Who would take care of him? That was what held me back from saying anything.
We went to bed after a whole day apart, I had to go out to take care of some things in relation to my future projects and Sam was doing something that I had no idea what it was and he made no point of informing me. We lay in bed in silence, but this was bothering me, we were not even the shadow of the happy couple that inhabited that bed, we were more like two strangers just sharing a bed.
“How was your day?” I asked shyly, trying to start a conversation.
He was silent for a while, then laughed a little and spoke.
“Normal, nothing different from the others....” and then laughed again.
“Why are you laughing then? Was it by any chance funny?” I knew that my voice had come out in a more ironic tone than I would have liked, but I was losing patience.
“No, it wasn't funny, but did we really get to the point where the only question you would ask me would be about my day? Is the next topic going to be about the weather?” he said sarcastically.
“I don't know, maybe, since at least I'm getting you to talk to me!” I replied angrily.
I shifted in the covers and started to get out of bed when I felt his hand pulling me back.
“Sam... let me go!” I said, trying to free myself from his hand.
“No Cait, stay here with me.” he spoke with a tone I hadn't heard in a long time, an affectionate one.
“Now you want me to stay? Wouldn't you rather be alone like every day for the past few weeks?” I knew I was being a little unfair in my accusations, after all I hadn't confronted him before and let the situation get to this point, but at that moment I wasn't willing to put up with any more of his whims.
“You always stay with me at night, we always sleep together.”
“But what about the rest of the day, Sam? Am I just a companion so that you don't sleep alone? Is that it? For the rest I am not necessary in your life? When you asked me to be patient with you, I promised I wouldn't leave you, but it is getting harder every day to keep this promise! Although you are already making my job easier!”
I saw that he lowered his head as I spoke, probably trying to hide any emotion he was showing. I knew I was doing everything at the wrong time, that this confrontation could only push us further apart, but I couldn't keep it inside of me, I couldn't stand to see him suffer alone, and yes, he was suffering and he was being terrible to hide, even though he thought otherwise. I walked over to him on the bed and lifted his head, I saw that his eyes were red and before I could do anything else, he lowered his head again and turned his back to me.
“I need you to sleep…” he said softly, almost in a whisper.
I knew he wanted to say more, but he couldn't, at least not now, and I could feel the pain in his voice. I swallowed hard, how painful it was to see him like that, so fragile and unable to do anything to make it better. Without saying anything else I hugged him and little by little felt his muscles relaxing to my touch. I tried to hold back the tears that insisted on falling when I felt how thin he was, Sam had always been so strong, so big, and now there in my arms he seemed like a fragile child. We lay down slowly, without letting go for a second, and soon I noticed that he fell asleep, I could hear his loud and calm breathing.
It took me a while to fall asleep, my body was sore, my arm was asleep due to Sam's weight on it, but I didn't dare change my position, I had to keep hugging him, he felt safe and I felt safe too, I was afraid of letting go and not being able to hold him anymore. When I finally gave in to exhaustion, I felt his body trembling against mine, he was coughing and coughing a lot. I opened my eyes in fright and let go of him, turning him face up. The coughing wouldn't stop and I saw that he couldn't breathe properly, he was panting, his chest was wheezing, and I was completely desperate.
I got out of bed quickly and looked for my cell phone, I was nervous, I couldn't unlock the screen, my fingers were trembling and at the same time that I wanted to make the call, I wanted to make him calm down, but I was failing at both. I took a deep breath and tried to concentrate, my panic would not help at all. I managed to call Sam's doctor who said that he would send an ambulance urgently, he needed to go to the hospital and while we waited, he gave me the first steps to calm him down. Little did the doctor know that I needed to be calmed down too.
My head was racing, I was trying to absorb everything that was happening, but everything seemed like flashes, the ambulance arriving, them putting Sam on the stretcher, me sitting next to him, oxygen mask on his face, the siren in my ear and tears falling without my even noticing. We quickly arrived at the hospital and were met by Sam's doctor who was already waiting.
He was talking to me, but I couldn't hear anything, I could only see Sam lying on that stretcher and being taken somewhere, he looked so small and helpless, even though I knew he was the opposite of that. Soon he disappeared from my sight and desperation took over me, I hurried my steps, I wanted to go to him, he couldn't be alone, but soon I felt a strong hand holding me.
“Caitriona? Are you listening to me?” the doctor spoke seriously. “We are going to run some tests on Sam to confirm a suspicion I have, but in the meantime you will have to wait here, unfortunately, please stay calm, he is being treated very well by my team and soon you will be able to see him.”
I just nodded and sat down in a small armchair in the waiting room. The doctor looked at me once more to confirm that I was fine, I nodded again, I wasn't fine, but I wasn't going to freak out, if that's what he was worried about. I grabbed my phone and called Lauren, I needed some company, I couldn't go through everything alone.
In less than half an hour she was already sitting next to me. Marina arrived soon after, they were both scared, but trying to disguise it, I knew that and I also knew that they were terrible actresses. Words were not necessary, they just held my hand while I waited for the doctor's return, which didn't take long to happen.
“Sam is now stable and ready for visitors.” the doctor spoke with a slight smile on his face. “But Caitriona, before you go in I'd like to explain something.” he spoke more seriously, leading me to the corner of the room, away from everyone. “As you know, Sam was undergoing immunotherapy, a relatively new treatment that we had high hopes would work, but although it was effective at the beginning, unfortunately it was not enough to stop the progression of the disease. What brought him to the hospital today was a simple flu that, with his weakened immune system, turned into pneumonia. We are treating him, but he is weak and you probably already knew that this could happen and the solution now is a bone marrow transplant, in fact this is our only solution at the moment.”
The doctor's words were running through my head, pneumonia, weakened, transplant, the only solution...I didn't know if my heart could take it. I took a deep breath, I needed to see him, I needed him to calm me down, I just didn't know if I could calm him down. Why did life play this kind of trick on us?
POV Sam
I've gotta keep the calm before the storm
I don't want less, I don't want more
Must bar the windows and the doors
To keep me safe, to keep me warm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v686vG5PSac
I opened my eyes with difficulty, they were heavy. I looked around and tried to locate myself, yes, I was in a hospital room, the lifeless white walls soon gave me the hint, but if that wasn't enough, the tube I was attached to was another good indication. I tried to remember what had happened, I was sleeping in my bed when I started to cough, I was used to this cough, it had been recurring for the last few weeks, but it wouldn't stop and I was running out of air and the last thing I remembered seeing were Cait's desperate blue eyes. Oh God! Cait! What had she gone through? I knew she was scared, I wanted to calm her down, but I couldn't, I couldn't talk, I couldn't breathe and it all made me black out.
Now I was here, in this hospital room alone and not knowing what was waiting for me. In fact, I already knew that it was not a good thing and that it would make Cait angry later, at least after she saw that I was "okay". I knew something was wrong, but I was proud and a coward at the same time. Proud of not asking her for help, of letting her take care of me when I needed it, she knew that I was not well, that something seemed wrong and I was a coward to push her away with rudeness and coldness, I was even more of a coward to not want to tell my doctor that I was not hungry, weak and with a cough that often left me breathless. I wasn't like that, I was never a coward, I never ran away from my responsibilities, but now it was different. Why? Because I was afraid, afraid of dying, afraid of losing everything, of losing her, my love, my everything...
My thoughts were interrupted by the door opening, I looked quickly and a small smile came to my lips when I saw her. Cait ran to my side and lightly slapped my arm.
“Don't you ever do that to me again!” she said, her eyes watering, but with a small smile on her face.
“I won't! I don't intend to disobey my private nurse's orders anymore!” I smiled and took her hand, squeezing it. - And I don't want to come back here under these conditions...
When I finished speaking, I felt Cait's hand squeeze me, she was tense and the small smile that was on her face disappeared. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out, ok, something was very wrong and before I could ask, my doctor entered the room.
“Sam, we need to talk. First I want to say that I'm not happy that you omitted your symptoms, the way you came to the hospital, it wasn't something that appeared overnight, you know how serious your illness is and to omit a cough or a sneeze from your doctor is not right. I had given you permission to work as long as it didn't disturb your health, but it seems that that's not what happened.”
“Sorry doctor, I really thought I had everything under control.” I lowered my head, I was embarrassed to say this, of course I had nothing under control, it was far from it.
“Anyway, your behavior was not the only one to blame, your illness left you weak, as did the treatment you were undergoing, and a simple flu turned into pneumonia, of course, if we had started the treatment earlier, you might not have ended up in the condition you are in now, but I couldn't guarantee that you would come out of it so easily. You remember that when we started the treatment, the guarantee of success was high, but not 100%, and I had already warned that we could get to where we are now, where the only solution is bone marrow transplantation.”
Yes, he had already told me about it, I was aware that it could come to this stage, but I had such high hopes for the treatment that I never really stopped to think about it. But now this was not just a possibility, it was the only solution. My life depended on someone else, someone else who was compatible with me to donate what I so desperately needed. I squeezed Cait's hand tighter, the tears in my eyes were fighting to get out, but I didn't want to, I wouldn't allow it, nothing was over and I wouldn't suffer for it, not anymore. And I had to be strong for the woman next to me, I had already made her worry too much, I couldn't fall apart now. She put her hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently, as if giving me a sign that everything would be all right, she was there.
“Do you remember that when we started the treatment, as a precaution I asked your family to do the compatibility test and unfortunately the result was negative. There is a system where we can look up compatible donors, but I have to reinforce that finding someone who is compatible with you is on average, one in a hundred thousand. For the time being we are waiting for one to come up, so you will remain in the hospital to treat this pneumonia and we don't want you to suffer from anything else. If you know someone who is willing to take the test to see if they can be the donor, just let me know, for now try to rest and get better so that you can receive the chemotherapy before the transplant.”
There was so much information at the same time that I couldn't assimilate it all. I saw that Cait was trying to stay calm, but her face showed no sign of it, much less her body. I knew that a transplant was not easy, the transplant itself was simple, but finding a compatible donor was difficult and I would still have to go through chemotherapy, something I tried to avoid as much as possible, but now I couldn't avoid it anymore, I would have to face all my fears at once.
Yeah, my life is what I'm fighting for
Can't part the sea, can't reach the shore
And my voice becomes the driving force
I won't let this pull me overboard
I saw that the doctor was talking to Cait, but the words seemed distant, I couldn't focus on anything, but one word caught my attention and made me focus on the conversation.
“When can I get tested?” Cait asked.
“Today, I just need to check the lab and we can send you there, it's a simple and painless procedure. It's just a blood test.”
I just watched while they arranged when they would do it, he gave me some more recommendations and that he would come back later to check on me and plan the rest of the treatment. When he left, Cait turned to me with an attempted smile.
“Who knows, maybe I can be your donor? That would be very romantic.”
“No Cait, you can't.” I said seriously.
“Oh, and why not?”
“Because I don't want to see you suffer!”
“So I can watch you suffer? And do nothing about it? You think I'm going to leave you here waiting for a donor when it might have a chance to be me? No, that's the stupidest thing to ask! Sam! How many times have I told you we're a team? And this time I'm not going to let you close yourself off again, hide and not let me see what's going on with you! Look where it's gotten you! All because of stubbornness!”
“It wasn't stubbornness.” she looked at me angrily. “At least not everything... Cait, I was afraid…” the words were caught in my throat. “Actually I still am…”
“And you think I'm not? When I saw you coughing in bed, barely able to breathe, I could hardly call your doctor, but Sam, we are going to win this fight together, as our beloved characters used to say, don't be afraid, there's the two of us now.”
I smiled at her reminder, we really were in this together, and I wouldn't have to be afraid, she was there and she wouldn't give up. We hugged and finally the tears I had been holding back fell, but they weren't of sadness, at least not all of them, they were of relief for having someone to count on.
The day of the dinner finally arrived and I was very nervous, I had made my speech and I wasn't sure if it was good. Cait had insisted that I should let her read it, but I didn't let her, I wanted her to have a real reaction when she heard it for the first time together with everyone else, but this made me even more nervous, I wasn't usually good with words, I could interpret a text very well, now to write something and speak in front of several people was not my strong suit, even though Cait always insisted that I had no problem, that I always spoke from my heart and that was why I was loved by so many people.
I was finishing getting dressed and as always the tie was giving me trouble, why did they invent something so complex as the knot of a simple tie? Couldn't it be something easier?
“I can see that in these months you haven't progressed at all…” Cait said, approaching me and taking the damn tie to tie a knot.
“It's not my favorite activity and you've always done it for me!”
“I'm glad I'm in your life again, imagine what Sam Heughan would be without a knot in his tie?” she laughed.
“He would be nothing, and you know it, don't you?” I said more seriously.
“I know!” she smiled and kissed me. “There! Now you look presentable!”
“You don't look so bad yourself! In fact, you're far from it, I didn't know that orange looked so good on you.” I said as I finally paid attention to her after fighting with my tie.
Of course she looked amazing, there was no way it could be otherwise, but really the color of the dress was making everything better, the orange was matching perfectly with her hair color and her white skin.
“Ready to come back into my life officially?” I held out my hand to her.
“Always!” and taking my hand we went to the car that would take us to the event.
Of course we were almost the last ones to arrive, it was all purposely done to draw more attention, after all everyone would already be there eagerly awaiting our arrival. That would be the first day that I would talk and face the press after they divulged about my disease and I was nervous, I didn't know if I could stand so many questions about something that still didn't seem to be reality to me, at least not to speak out loud. Cait noticed my nervousness as we were about to get out of the car and held my hand.
“We're in this together, don't forget that!” she said, squeezing my hand and smiling.
I just smiled in response, took a deep breath and got out of the car. I felt several flashes in our direction, shouts of my name and of Cait who was right behind me. I was a little lost with all the attention, but soon I felt her putting her hand on my back and relaxed. We walked to the little red carpet they had made and that's when everyone really went crazy, it was noise of pictures being shot, questions in the air, shouts of my name, Cait's, if we were together, how I was, but I couldn't focus on anything but Cait by my side, she was my safe port in the middle of all that craziness and I smiled to her. I knew that they had asked us to do something to show that we were together, but I didn't need a rehearsal or a request, it was natural for me to go to her.
I wrapped my arm around her waist and brought her closer to me, she smiled and I didn't think twice, I kissed her, but on the corner of her mouth, we never kissed in public and there wouldn't be any different, but only this gesture was enough for us to hear sighs and screams from some fans that were there. We were lost in each other's eyes for a minute, how lucky I was to have her there with me, I could never face all of this alone. But soon our moment was interrupted by Marina calling us to come in. But before that I made sure to stop near where some fans were, I took some pictures while I was congratulated for my attitude and for being with Cait again, that made me feel good, to hear such real words from people that even though they didn't know me deeply, they knew what made me feel good and were there for me, always.
We entered the space where the dinner would be and it was full of tables, all occupied with people we knew well and others not so much. They were important people anyway and we were greeted with applause. I squeezed Cait's hand to keep calm, as much as I had worked on this for years, I still got very nervous and shy in situations like this. I walked to the small stage that they had set up, I was going to open the evening and thank everyone for coming, but more than that, I was going to open my heart to everyone there and it was making me anxious.
“Relax, I'm close by and I'm sure you'll do great, like everything else you do!” Cait spoke softly in my ear.
I quickly went up and grabbed the microphone from Marina's hand who was already waiting for me with a smile on her face. I greeted everyone and before starting to read what I had written, I looked around the crowd for her, who as promised was sitting at the table in front of the stage. I smiled and started to speak.
“I'm sure everyone here today was surprised by the invitation they received, not because it was a dinner for a noble cause, but rather a dinner that I would be admitting to everyone that I have a disease that affects so many people, but how could Sam Heughan? An actor known for his healthy life, for his campaigns and running races, a person who was exuding health, how could this happen to him? This is where we see that cancer is not a selective disease, it doesn't choose in whom it will appear, it is not because I am an actor, have money, fame and health that cancer cannot choose me as its next victim. But today, here, with all of you, I do not see myself as the next victim of this evil, but as a next survivor who decided to use his fame and money to alert that everyone is at the mercy of this disease and that it is not enough to always take care of ourselves, we have to look for a way to survive, to find a cure. And that we are not alone. I have learned in this short time since the discovery of my disease that we cannot face everything alone, that we have to let the people who love us help us, that they will not judge us, of course, they will suffer with you or even more, but keeping us away from them will not deprive them of pain and suffering, and that two, three or more people are stronger than one. Know that I am here for whatever you need, if you are alone and facing the same thing as me, know that you can count on me for whatever you need, from help for treatment to a conversation, an outburst, anything. I am lucky to be surrounded by people who care about me, but I am even luckier to have someone I love more than anything by my side, my best friend, my partner, my love for almost a decade. I don't think I need to tell you who she is, she knows how important she is in my life, as well as all of you who have followed my career and my life since the beginning. I thank you all once again for your presence and I hope you enjoy the evening and collaborate with this cause that has become so important and personal to me. Thank you.”
Everyone stood up and gave me a standing ovation, I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding and smiled. I had succeeded, I had made the most difficult speech of my career, of my life, I had said things that I had never thought of saying to so many people, but what made me happiest was to see Cait smiling proudly, with tears in her eyes, applauding me. I quickly got off the stage and went to meet her.
“Did I do well?” I asked as I hugged her.
“More than that, you were perfect, I knew you could do it, as always. And thank you, for letting me take care of you and be by your side in such an important moment of your life.”
“I have you to thank for not giving up on me, even when I was a jerk to you!”
“I think we've thanked and apologized enough, don't you? Let's put all this behind us and start again from scratch.”
“Hmmm, from scratch? Does that mean I have to win you over again?” I said, smiling.
“You know that this smile alone has already done half the job, right?”
“And the other half? How's that?” and I kissed her on the neck.
“Sam! We'll see about that later at home... now behave yourself and go talk to your guests!” she laughed, pulling away from me.
“If you insist! But you're going with me!” and I pulled her over to the next table where some of our co-workers were sitting.
POV Cait
The dinner had been a success, everyone wanted to help our organizations, especially the new cause started by Sam, who was very happy with what people were saying about his attitude towards the disease. I knew that everything would work out; he always liked to communicate with people and knew that he would have no problem in assuming that he was not perfect and had problems like anyone else, and that he would be supported in everything.
Over the weeks we were invited to several places, both other organizations that helped people with cancer, especially leukemia, and hospitals. I was surprised that I was always invited along, I thought it would be something more for Sam, but they insisted that I participate together and I was loving to see him feeling so good about helping other people.
The last place we had been invited to was a children's hospital that treated children with all kinds of cancer. I knew that the place was not ideal for Sam to visit after all he was also in a weakened state, but his doctor had given him permission as long as he wore a mask and did not spend too much time with the sickest children. The director of the hospital was euphoric, because like the children, he was a big fan of 007 and could not hide his excitement when he saw Sam arriving dressed as the famous agent.
They organized all the children in a large room, which is where they spent their time reading, playing and trying to distract themselves from the terrible reason they were there. That day I decided to watch from a distance, I wanted to make him comfortable with them, without having to worry about paying attention to me, and I loved to see him so relaxed, different from how he used to be in interviews for the press, there he could be himself, even if for a while playing his famous character in the movies. The children were fascinated by him telling them about how he had done the action scenes in the movies, how he felt afraid, and much more. They peppered him with questions and everyone wanted to take pictures. The boys wanted to pose for a fight, while the girls were a little shy with his presence so close, but couldn't hold back their smiles when he hugged them.
When we left the hospital I saw that Sam's eyes were shining, I didn't know exactly if they were just of happiness or of sadness too, because it was inevitable not to think about how it felt to be suffering from that terrible disease so young.
“You were great today! As always!” I said, smiling and taking his hand, which was resting on my leg. We were already in the car on the way home. He remained silent for a while, saying nothing, just squeezing my hand.
“Thank you…” he whispered.
“Why are you thanking me? You did everything today!”
“No, not for today, thank you for showing me that I could do so many good things and not just cry in a room all alone, bitter and blaming everyone for my illness. Cait, to see those children today...they are not a third of my age and they gave me a lesson in how to deal with everything that is happening in their lives, they would have every reason to be crying, sad and without the will to play, to live, but there they were interested in what I had to tell them, me! Who is Sam Heughan to them? Why should it be so interesting? And yet they stayed there for almost two hours listening to me talk nonsense!”
“You are not just anyone to them, you are a super secret agent, everything every boy dreams of being, you drive cool cars, jump off buildings, chase bad guys, who never dreamed of doing that as a boy? You were once like that! And the girls couldn't resist your charming smile!” I said, putting my hand on his face. “And do you know what the coolest thing is for them? The famous 007 is facing the same thing they are, and that just gave them more courage to go ahead with their heads held high!”
I saw that he was moved by my words, I think that until then he had not realized the importance he had in people's lives, the influence, of course that with years of career we knew that we influenced many people, there was no doubt about that, but that situation he was facing was totally different and until two hours ago he still could not accept that he had something powerful in his hands, even if it brought sadness, it was something incredible to be able to help people like that.
“I love you…” he spoke softly, holding my hand and kissing it.
I lifted his face and wiped away the tear that was falling.
“I love you too, always!” and kissed him.
The rest of the way home was silent, but not an uncomfortable silence, we were both happy, no matter how emotionally worn out we were, everything we were living was incredible.
The weeks went by quickly and Sam didn't stop for a minute, the commitments outside the house had diminished, but he continued to work a lot in the office, always on his cell phone or on the computer talking to someone. I was happy that he was doing something that made him happy since acting was on break, but at the same time I was starting to get worried. I had noticed a considerable weight loss in him, of course this would happen, due to the medicine and because he couldn't go to the gym as he used to, but there was something else, he barely ate the menu that the doctor had given him, he always claimed to be in a hurry, with too many things to do and if I insisted, he would shut his face like a child and go to the office without waiting for me to finish eating.
We always went to bed together, we liked to talk a little before going to bed, hugging, enjoying a little time as a couple and, of course, we enjoyed doing other things in bed too, by the way, this was always Sam's great anxiety to go to bed soon, but in the last weeks he was sleeping while we talked and I was afraid to wake him up. And what I was finding even more strange was that Sam, who always woke up much earlier than me, who always annoyed me with his morning mood, was no longer like this, if I let him, he would sleep the whole morning.
“Sam, don't you think you are working too hard?” I asked one day walking into our office.
“I've always worked too much, Cait, you know that, I like it!” he answered without taking his eye off the computer.
“But now it's different...” I spoke softly, but this was enough to take his attention off the computer and look at me intensely.
“Why? Because I'm sick and should be dragging myself around?” he said angrily.
“No Sam, you know I think it's great that you have found something to do that you can dedicate yourself to as much as acting, but I'm worried, you're always tired, you're not eating properly and…”
“I'm fine! And you know that it's the medication that takes away my appetite, the doctor has already talked about it and I'm tired of talking about it too, I won't eat like I used to, but that doesn't mean that I'm starving!” he spoke harshly. “Is there anything else? I have to make a phone call!”
“No, nothing…” I answered quietly.
I quickly left the office and only stopped when I was already in the living room. I sat down on the couch and holding a pillow in front of my face, I screamed until angry tears started to fall. "Bloody stubborn Scot!" was what I thought non-stop as I felt a tightening in my heart.
Notes:
A very emotional chapter, huh? I hope that you have some tissues near you 🤭
I have a feeling that you are going to like this chapter...🤭
POV Sam
I was still laughing when I went back to my house to get my things, but as I sorted through some clothes I began to think about everything that was happening. Was I happy? Yes, that I couldn't deny, I couldn't remember the last time I had truly and willingly laughed, well, actually I did remember, it had been when I was with Cait, at our house, on some weekend that we used to spend watching Netflix all day with no time or other commitments. This all hadn't been that long ago, but it seemed like centuries when I thought about all that I had experienced these past few months.
My life had gone from heaven to hell in a matter of weeks, I had ended the most important relationship of my life and at the same time received the most devastating news that anyone could receive. I was lost, I had no one to turn to, my family was far away and I endured everything alone, in fact if it wasn't for Marina, I wouldn't have been able to move on. But now all this seemed far away, my crises, my anxiety, sadness and loneliness seemed to belong to a reality that was no longer mine. Cait was back by my side and everything seemed to fit perfectly. Except that she was not by my side in the way I expected, we were brought together merely by work issues, my issues in this case, and this bothered me.
But why was I like this? I had pushed her away, I had said that I didn't want a relationship anymore and I had insisted on it since we met again. I had no right to drag her into this mess that was my life now, full of uncertainties and sadness, it wasn't fair to her. But all the effort I made was in vain, here I was getting my clothes to take to Cait's house, in this case, our house, I would go back to what was mine from the beginning, back to her.
Now it was too late to take Cait out of my life again, we were stuck in this together and it was no sacrifice, on the contrary, I was happy and eager for her company, she managed to leave me in a state where I couldn't remember this cursed disease that insisted in taking over my life, my body. And why was I so resistant to have her completely? Not just as a friend, as a support, but as my partner, my girlfriend, my lover...
As I finished throwing my clothes into a suitcase I decided that I would not resist any longer, if the opportunity came up I would give myself completely, yes, I needed her and I needed her in all ways and forms. I quickly returned to our house, I was in a state of anxiety that I couldn't contain myself, I looked like a teenager and I was very happy about it. When I entered the house, I found Cait in the kitchen, super-concentrated on something I had no idea what it was.
“Am I delusional or are you trying to cook something?” I asked, crossing my arms and leaning on the kitchen counter.
“Idiot! You know I can cook, I just don't like to do it very often, only on special occasions.” she answered while stirring something.
“Oh, and what would be the special occasion?” I said, approaching her.
“Your return home!” she said with a smile on her face.
“Hmmm, I'm going to get spoiled!” I rested my chin on her shoulder, trying to spy on what she was doing.
I felt her body tense up at my approach, I knew I was giving her a signal she wasn't expecting, but before I could pull away, she walked off toward the other side of the counter.
“Let's toast!” she said loudly, I knew she did that when she was nervous, and held up two glasses of wine. “This is yours, don't worry, it's grape juice!” and winked, handing me the glass.
“Wow, this is so exciting!” I laughed as I took the glass from her hand. “I'm sure yours doesn't have that same tasty liquid, does it?”
“Sorry, but I needed something a little stronger!” she smiled shyly.
I looked at her seriously, was I really bothering her?
“Cait... if my presence here makes you nervous or uncomfortable, you can say it, I'll go back to my place and we'll make sure we're always together when we go out…”
“No, Sam, it's just that I…” she stopped talking and came closer to me. “I'm really happy that you're here, really, but it's just that having you so close and…” she took a deep breath and looked down.
I knew what she meant, I understood her completely. Being so close, but not being able to actually be close, not being able to give ourselves to what we felt for each other. Did I love her? Of course, very much. Did I want her? There was no doubt about it. I knew that she wanted me too. I lifted her face so I could look into her eyes, she had the look I knew so well, the look of desire, of love, that I had seen so many times, only for me. I ran my hand over her face as I felt her sigh, her breathing was rapid and I could hear her heart beating fast.
“Sam…” she whispered as she put her hand on my face as well.
Fuck! This was all too much for me, I couldn't do it, I didn't want to do it. In one quick movement, I tangled my hand in her hair and pulled her close to me, kissing her deeply, desperately. I couldn't be gentle, and she didn't seem to mind, so I placed her against the counter, leaving no free space between our bodies. How I had missed all this, how good it was to be home again, in every way.
We didn't make it as far as the bedroom, the most we could reach was the living room floor and the damn rug. I had to remind myself that I was no longer 20 to have these adventures out of bed, but at the time all I cared about was being with her, being in her, and everything was perfect and painless.
“3 hours!” I said as I hugged her, placing her on my chest.
“Huh?” she asked, looking at me confused.
“That's how long we managed to stay as friends living together.”
“Oh, and whose fault is that?” she said laughing.
“I haven't heard or seen any resistance from you.” I kissed her.
“Hmmm...yeah, I have to admit I'm a little too easy when it comes to you!”
“I know! Ouch” I complained as she hit me.
“Cocky!”
“You know it's mean to hit someone who is weak?” I joked, but I saw her face change as I said those words.
“Sam! That's not funny! And I completely forgot about it, we are here on this floor... are you ok? Shouldn't you go to the bedroom? Oh my God, lunch! Or dinner, I don't even know anymore!” she said quickly as she tried to pick up her clothes that were lying around the room.
“Hey, where are you going?” I said trying to pull her back.
“I'm going to finish our food, or what's left of it, and you're going to take a shower and wait in the bedroom while I do everything here, you need to rest!”
“No, I don't!” I pulled her tightly, causing her to fall onto my lap.
“Umm...no…” she pulled away from me while I kissed her. “Sam, I'm serious! You're not supposed to push your limits, and I'm starving!” I looked at her naughtily. “And that's not it!”
She got up off my lap and started to get dressed, and I just huffed and got up too, but I didn't waste any time getting my clothes.
“I didn't know I had a private nurse....” I said as I went to my room.
“And a very demanding one!” she shouted.
I laughed and went to take a shower. Yes, I was home and it was wonderful.
POV Cait
I was trying to concentrate on finishing the meal that I didn't even know if it was our lunch or dinner anymore, but I couldn't, my hands were shaking, my legs were like jelly, and I was smiling like a fool. What had just happened? Was he really back? Had he come back to me? It all happened so fast that I couldn't ask, but what could I ask at that moment? I had always been the one who overthought our relationship and Sam had always been the impulsive one, who did whatever he felt like and then thought about the consequences, but was this the case now?
I decided to ignore these thoughts and finish the meal, as best I could because it didn't look very appetizing! A few minutes later Sam came out of the shower and walked over to me, if I hadn't been quick I would have dropped everything I was holding. He was wearing only a pair of sweatpants and a white T-shirt that outlined his body, which, even though it was suffering from the damage of the medication, was still spectacular. His hair was wet and messy, but best of all was the smile on his face, the smile that I had missed so much and had not seen so often these days.
“Is there something wrong with me?” he said looking down at his body.
“No... nothing wrong!” I answered with a half smile as he began to laugh. - I don't know why I'm behaving like a silly teenager drooling over her first boyfriend!
“Hmmm... so now I'm your boyfriend? And I didn't know you still drooled over me.” he said with a naughty smile.
“Oh Sam! Let's eat! I don't even know what came out of it, but I think it's enough to satiate our hunger!” I said, going to the table where I had set everything up.
“I'm enjoying these double meaning phrases that you are coming up with today…”
I just looked at him seriously while he laughed, I couldn't help but laugh too. This reminded me of when we were still hiding our relationship in the beginning of the series and we used to make double meaning jokes non-stop on twitter, driving both the fans and our assistants crazy! But we had a lot of fun and this was always the basis of our friendship and relationship. We talked for a long time while Sam tried to pretend that my food was very tasty, but I knew I could barely eat.
The week went by quickly, we had so much to do for the charity dinner that we didn't spend much time together. Sam was working on his speech, he spent the whole day locked in his office and wouldn't let me see anything, he thought it wasn't good enough for me to hear and insisted that he wasn't good enough with words to do something like that. I was in charge of the guest list and of course the invitations, while Lauren kept calling me to talk about possible sponsors and partners to promote what we were doing. Besides everything, there was the issue of our relationship, everyone was already suspicious, but Lauren and Marina wanted us to make a statement on the red carpet of the dinner, together and with everything that was possible: pictures, interviews and more.
Sam was not feeling very comfortable with all this, and neither was I, but I had to be stronger for him and for us, so I just agreed and tried to convince him that everything would be back to normal after this event, it would just be the two of us at home and that was it. That was another topic that we had not discussed, our relationship, after all, what would we do after the event? Would he stay at home with me? What about his house? I wanted to talk about all this, but he was so stressed about everything that when we had time to be together, I didn't want to break the spell by bringing up questions like these, he seemed so comfortable with me in his arms.
The day before the dinner, Lauren and Marina came over to our house to go over the last details of the whole event. When they arrived, Sam was sitting in the armchair and they soon took the seats on the couch in front of him, leaving me with nowhere to sit, but Sam soon decided and pulled me to sit on his lap. I saw that Lauren stopped what she was doing when she saw this, but soon turned her attention back to the cell phone in front of her.
“So it's all set, you will arrive together, in the same car and you will stop for pictures, Cait, you will be wearing an orange dress which is the color of leukemia awareness, the same way Sam will be wearing a tie of the same color, when you have the attention of all the photographers you can make some demonstration of affection, a kiss, anything that shows that you are together.”
“We've never done this on a red carpet, won't they find it strange?” I asked.
“You have never shown affection? That's what made everyone suspicious that you were together in the beginning!” Lauren laughed.
“I'm going to admit that it was my fault!” Sam said with a lopsided grin on his face, quickly kissing me.
Lauren completely lost her train of thought with the scene she had just witnessed, Marina looked at her and then at us. Sam and I just laughed.
“Do you know I love it when the two of them lose their voices? A few minutes of silence is so nice!” Sam said laughing.
“Are you two together?” Marina asked.
“Wait, isn't that what you told us to do? We're obedient!” Sam answered. “Isn't that right, Cait?”
“Sure, we are very behaved!” I said laughing when I saw Lauren totally lost with a silly smile on her face.
“I can't believe our couple is back together again! How we miss these jokes that only offend us, but that we love anyway!” Marina said walking towards us and hugging us.
Lauren wasted no time either and we were locked in an embrace that almost left me breathless. After this moment, we got back to business and finished going over everything that would happen the next day. When the two left, I still had something on my mind, I couldn't move on without asking Sam.
“They both seemed very happy to see us together....” I said, approaching Sam.
“Yeah, I should have filmed their reaction, to remind them of that forever!” he laughed.
“But Sam, are we really back together? It's just that we haven't talked about it since that day and I…”
“Cait, do you think I would joke about this?” he interrupted me.
“No, of course not, it's just that everything is so…”
“Complicated? See, that's what I didn't want to happen!” he said nervously, running his hand through his hair. “Bringing you into this whole mess my life is in right now!”
“Sam!” I said loudly, holding him in front of me. “And when was our life simple? This doesn't scare me one bit, I just want to know that you want me back in your life, 100%, at all times and not just now for this dinner party!”
“Do you still have doubts about this, Cait?” he said, putting his hand on my face. “I love you and want nothing more than to be near you.”
“I love you too!” and kissed him.
“I just want you to be patient with me, I may not be your Sam at all times, but I don't want you to be any further away from me.”
“You can relax, I'm not going anywhere, and you know how stubborn I am!”
“I know!” he laughed and took me in his arms. “Now let's go to the bedroom, I've done enough talking for one day, you as my nurse should know that this is not good for me!”
“Sammy!” was the first thing I heard when I opened the door to find Hailee standing there.
I tried to make a sound, but I was so shocked at how she looked standing in the doorway of my house with a big smile on her face, that nothing came out. But before I could do anything, I felt Cait's hands on my waist, pulling me close to her.
“Baby, who's the visitor?” she said looking into my eyes, totally ignoring Hailee on the other side of the door. I knew that look, I knew I had to prepare myself that Cait was determined to do something.
“No one important…” I replied, wrapping my hands around her as well.
“Oh, it's you!” Cait said, looking Hailee up and down. I tried to hold back a smile, but it was getting harder and harder.
“Hi Cait...didn't know you were here.” Hailee said quietly, not expecting to see us together, that was for sure.
“Caitriona, and yes, where else would I be? The only person I don't think is in the right place is you! Don't give me this cynical smile, if your statements about Sam weren't enough, what did you think? He would be open to receive you?”
“No, I, I just came to see if he is okay, I know how difficult it must be to go through all this and now everyone knows…”
“And how did everyone know?” Cait looked at her seriously. “Look Heaven…”
“Hailee.”
“Whatever, we are doing very well here, Sam already has a lot of good people around him and we don't see any problem in everyone knowing, he would tell everyone because he is organizing a charity dinner for our organization to help people who are going through the same situation! But if you think you will use this to try to raise this non-existent acting career, know that you will not succeed!”
I tried not to let my mouth hang open at everything Cait had said, how could she manage? I smiled at her, totally ignoring Hailee's presence, she was really there for me and only for me, how could I push her away now? No, I couldn't and wouldn't!
“I was just trying to be a good friend, that's all!”
“A friend? The same way it was that day in the bar? Hiring a photographer to catch you two together? But none of that matters, just leave us alone, go find someone else to boost your career, who knows that camera man you were hooking up with while shooting the movie? What's his name again, Sam?” she asked looking at me, I knew she was throwing a bait to see if Hailee would take, I had no idea she was having an affair with someone on the crew, not that there wasn't gossip, but nothing ever confirmed.
“Brian. Oh yeah, he loved to show us the pictures you sent him, it would be a big success…” I continued with the story.
“And what about the video he recorded? It would be great to show the only thing you do well, I mean, that's what he said, right?”
“You... you don't know anything, I know there is no video... I…”
“Are you sure? Brian likes to brag a lot about his masterpiece and it would make good money!” Cait said with an ironic smile.
“You fucking bitch!” Hailee shouted, and just as I thought to respond to that, I heard the sound of a slap echoing through the house.
Cait had her hand up, Hailee had her hand on her face and was stunned, I swear I could see tears forming on her face, I didn't know if it was anger, sadness, or the pain of the slap, but anyway I looked quickly at Cait to see her reaction that seemed calm.
“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that....” she said sincerely, I knew she wasn't like that, violent, but I also knew that Hailee had driven her crazy, not just today, but always. That slap had been for everything we had been through in the last few months, our fight, our separation, everything, but of course Cait also didn't like being called names that clearly didn't belong to her. “But I think you get the message now, don't you? Leave us alone and I'll keep you and Brian's secret with me!” she finished with a wink that drove Hailee crazy.
“Fuck you! You two! You deserve each other! And you're not even that good looking.” she said looking me up and down.
“Thanks for the compliment…” I said closing the door, I didn't want to continue this conversation.
“Besides being boring, she's blind too!” Cait said looking at me with a smile.
I just laughed and we walked to the living room, I needed to sit down, I was still a little weak and with all that had happened this morning, my legs weren't obeying me very well.
“Are you okay?” I asked her
“I should be asking you this! I still can't believe this girl's nerve!”
“Me neither, but I think that after your demonstration of affection, she won't be a problem anymore…” I laughed as I saw Cait rolling her eyes.
“Sam, I know I shouldn't have said or done all that, but it was coming out of me without me even knowing how!”
“You were great Cait, I couldn't have thought of anything that clever and that fast!”
“Yeah, I'm really good.” she laughed.
“Lucky for me you're here!”
She came over to me on the couch and took my hand, caressing it as she always did to calm me down.
“You know I'll always be there for you, right? For everything!”
“I know!” I said, smiling and squeezing her hand. But before we could say anything else, the front door opened violently, it was Marina and Lauren coming in desperate.
“We need to talk!” Marina said, coming towards us.
“And seriously!” Lauren added.
“I'm full of visitors today!” I said laughing.
“Why? Who else came here?” Marina asked worried.
I just nodded my head to Cait, giving her the freedom to tell everything that had just happened. I had fun watching Marina and Lauren's reactions, from worried to relieved and then a lot of laughter and reverence for Cait, who just said that she was doing her job as a friend. When she said this last word, I saw the curious and at the same time sad looks from Marina and Lauren, but I didn't want to worry about that right now, we had so many things to solve that my relationship with Cait was the last thing to think about. Sweet illusion, that was not what the two of them had in mind.
“Everything Cait thought of was great, we can actually organize a dinner, call all the press and friends, Sam, you can give a speech telling everything and how it made you think of helping others, you have always been like that and Sam, I am sure all the fans will support you, I know you didn't want to expose what you are going through, but unfortunately they have already made it public, we can now take the reins of everything and choose what we are going to share, if they feel part of all your treatment, they will be content with the little information they receive....”
I knew she was right, she always was and as much as I hated to expose myself so much, I knew that deep down I could really help people who admired me and who went through or go through the same situation, I would show that I was not perfect and that I was far from it, I suffered the same thing as everyone else.
“And let's use this dinner also to let everyone know that you are back together!”
“But Lauren, we aren't…” Cait started to speak, but was interrupted.
“Cait, I don't know what you are going through, but anyway, that Hailee girl saw you two together and she will probably think so when she sees you doing things together, I know she won't be far from Sam and it might be better for them to think that everything is okay again, they will stop the investigation and you can be more comfortable in each other's company without worrying about what they will think.”
I listened to all of this in silence. Again they weren't wrong, I knew that everyone would make this assumption and that if we assumed we were together again, they would stop trying to take pictures, to catch us, it would be the perfect scenario, but for this to be true, Cait would have to be with me all the time, probably even in my house! I was happy to be near her, her helping me through all of this, but was I ready for such a great togetherness as this? And not fall into temptation?
POV Cait
“Is this really necessary?” I said as I heard the end of Lauren's proposal.
I knew it was, but it was still hard for me to get used to the idea, I couldn't be a hypocrite to say that I didn't want to be close to Sam again, that's what I wanted the most, but I wanted it to be his wish, not something imposed by our assistants because it was the best option for our careers, in this case, more for Sam's career, who was the one in evidence because of that damned girl's statements!
“Unfortunately, or is it fortunately? Yes, let's organize this charity dinner as soon as possible, think about a list of guests that you know would support you anyway, let's make it quick before they start bothering you with possible videos, pictures and everything else, by the way, I think you'd better stay more at home until everything happens, I'm sure the photographers will be on duty to get a picture of Sam debilitated or something shocking, which will not happen, we know, but let's avoid any unnecessary exposure.” Marina spoke seriously, she was in work mode, as was Lauren.
“And Cait, I have already cleared your schedule, the commitments you would have this week I have postponed to next week, by then things have calmed down a bit, but even so I will inform you that you will not answer questions about your personal life or Sam. I also think that one week is enough for you to adjust to a routine together...I mean, I know it shouldn't be too hard…” I could see that Lauren was stuttering, she was not happy to touch on a subject that she knew was sensitive for me.
During the whole speech of our assistants, I noticed that Sam was in absolute silence, I didn't even know if he was paying attention to anything that was being said. If I hadn't gone after him in Houston that girl probably wouldn't have seen us together and done what she did, but I still didn't know how they could have found us there. It was all so well planned out, and yet the guilt still took over me, I had brought chaos back into Sam's life. We stared at each other in silence for a minute and a small smile appeared at the corner of his mouth, his blue eyes were shining brightly in my direction, I smiled back, I knew him well enough to know what his look meant, everything was going to be okay.
A few recommendations later, Lauren and Marina left, leaving us alone to absorb everything that had been said. We sat for a while on opposite sides of the couch, just staring at nothing, I knew that everything would be fine, but I was still afraid for everything that could happen in our forced togetherness, but more than that, I was worried about how Sam would handle everything, he already had so much to worry about that I didn't want to be another burden to him.
“Looks like we have all our commitments set for the next few weeks...and I thought I'd be on vacation for a while!” Sam said, breaking the silence, laughing a little at the whole situation.
“Our assistants don't mess around!” I laughed, but soon became serious, I had to say what was bothering me “But Sam, if it wasn't for me none of this would have happened, I only came back to bring chaos in your life…”
“Cait.” he spoke seriously, interrupting me. He also approached me on the sofa, now we were a few centimeters apart, our hands touching each other “You're not to blame for anything, one day or another they would find out, I knew that, I just pretended not to believe it... you never brought chaos into my life, on the contrary, now you're the only thing I'm sure of…” his voice was lowering as he finished his sentence.
I squeezed his hand, as a way to assure him that everything would be all right, I was there and would do justice to my role in his life. I had my head down, looking at our intertwined fingers, I felt his strong breathing close to me, I knew he was staring at me, but I didn't have the strength to lift my head to meet his gaze. Too bad my body didn't obey my mind and I lifted my head, facing a pair of intense blue eyes, he was looking at my mouth and biting his lower lip, a movement I knew very well, he was nervous and about to do something that would only bring us greater problems.
Before I could fall into temptation, I pulled away suddenly.
“I think I'd better go to my place!” I said all at once, taking him by surprise. “I've been wearing the same clothes since yesterday…”
I got up from the sofa, going in search of my phone.
“I'll take you!” Sam said quickly. “It's right near here…” he added, looking at the floor as if he was shy.
“Ok…” I agreed in the same shyness as him.
What was our problem? Five minutes alone, we almost kissed, and now we looked like two teenagers who had been caught in the act! How were we going to survive at least two weeks together? This was the minimum time until dinner and everything else. We walked to Sam's car in silence and remained that way until we reached my house, I mean, the house that had once been ours. Sam didn't need to identify himself to get in, when they saw his car they opened automatically, as they always did during the years we lived there. He stopped in the place he always stopped, bringing me a strange sensation, we were doing things that had once been so common and routine for us, but that now seemed totally out of the ordinary, like two strangers.
I entered through the main door, Sam just behind, but I noticed his strangeness, he was looking at everything, I think trying to absorb the things around him, he wanted to know if I still kept the same way, the same way our house was. I think he wanted to confirm that his presence was still there with me, even if not physically. And of course it was, everything was still the same, I hadn't had the courage to get rid of anything he had done, not even the pictures of us together in the hallway leading to our room, as painful as it was to see it every day, I wasn't strong enough to get Sam out of my life completely, and apparently I never could. But I didn't want to either.
“Are you going to take a lot of stuff?” Sam asked, startling me. I was so focused on sitting on the bed in our, I mean, my room that I didn't see him standing in the doorway.
“Taking? Why would I take my things?” I said, not understanding his question.
“Well, because you're staying at my house, aren't you? Isn't that what they told us to do?”
“They told us to pretend to be together again, but I didn't think it had to be that true.” I said, trying to be serious, but deep down my heart wanted to explode at the thought of living with him again. How silly I was.
“I guess it would be strange after all these years if we are back together and in different houses, wouldn't it?” he answered, crossing his arms and leaning on the door frame.
I tried to say something, but I lost myself for a moment looking at him, how could he make me look like a teenager in love with just one look? One damn look and smile!
“And why does it have to be me going to your house?” I asked, taking him by surprise.
“I don't know, I just... ah, I thought…” he tried to answer, but without success.
“Wouldn't it be strange if you didn't go back to the house that was already yours? It would be the most logical thing to do! And I didn't like your house either, too cold, with nothing personal…”
“It's just that it wasn't meant to be forever…” he said practically in a whisper.
“Sam, you know that this will always be your home, don't you?” I said seriously, and it was really true, he would always be welcome, after all we had chosen everything together, that house was as much his as mine.
“I know.” he said smiling, yes, that damn smile that made my legs weak, the smile I always expected from him and smiled even more when I saw him like this.
“Then it's decided! You can bring your things here!”
“Not even one day that we are back together and you are already giving me orders! I didn't miss that…” he said laughing while running away from the pillow I had thrown in his direction.
I didn't notice the time I fell asleep, I was exhausted by everything that had happened, it wasn't just the side effects of the medication, but Cait's presence there had provoked things in me that I wasn't prepared to feel. I had always been sure that I didn't want her there, I didn't want her to see me like that, that's why I had stayed away from her from the beginning, of course, we hadn't stayed away just because of my illness, but because of it I hadn't looked for Cait, I knew I wanted her back, I knew it from the moment I left her.
But when I found out that I wasn't well I decided not to put her in the middle of it all, but I should have known that she would never be left out, she was as or more stubborn than I was. But I really wasn't prepared to see the look on her face when she saw me in that state, I had already seen Marina's look and even though she was a dear person to me, she wasn't Cait. I tried to leave her out, I wanted to be alone, I wanted to keep what little dignity I had left locked in that bathroom with me. However, I was naive to think that she would leave me, she didn't abandon me, she didn't let me go through everything alone and deep inside I was grateful for that, feeling her hands on me calmed me down, brought me a feeling of peace that I hadn't felt for months.
So I fell asleep, I slept so well that I didn't realize I wasn't alone in bed. I woke up feeling a tickle in my nose, I opened my eyes and saw Cait's hair spread across my chest. She had slept in my arms and I didn't even remember this happening, but now I could understand why my sleep was so peaceful, how I missed that body glued to mine, that feeling of security and comfort, but better than that, that feeling of being loved. I didn't want to wake her up, but I knew that soon the nurse would enter the room to check if I was okay to be released, I didn't want Cait to feel embarrassed to be lying with me.
Very slowly I ran my hand down her arm and across her face. She moved, but didn't open her eyes, and I heard her murmur something, I smiled as I remembered how difficult she was to wake up in the morning, she rarely woke up before I did, and I always had to fight to get her out of bed early. I insisted some more, calling her quietly. She stirred a little more and I knew she was waking up, but before I could do anything else, the room door opened abruptly and Cait opened her eyes in fright, jumping out of bed when she saw where she was.
“Good morning Mr. Roland!” the nurse said with a smile. “We'll run a checkup on you and then you'll be free to go!”
I just nodded, laughing as I saw the still frightened look on Cait's face in the corner of the room. She was disheveled, her clothes were wrinkled, and she was barefoot. I noticed that the nurse looked her up and down and smiled, making Cait look even more uncomfortable. After a few minutes, I was free to go.
“As always you continue to amaze us with your strength!” the nurse said smiling. “See you next month! And I'm glad you're not alone anymore!” she said, winking at Cait.
Without giving me a chance to respond, she left the room, leaving us alone again. I looked at Cait who was now trying to fix her hair in a way to avoid looking at me.
“Good morning sunshine!” I said smiling, I was having fun seeing Cait looking so embarrassed, it was such a rare situation that I couldn't help but take advantage of it.
“You're loving this, aren't you? Why didn't you wake me up before she came into the room?” she asked, crossing her arms, clearly annoyed.
“And you think I didn't try? Remember, you're not the easiest person to wake up! But don't worry, Dawson is discreet, she won't comment on what she saw here, not that we have anything to hide!” I smiled.
And it was true, I was no longer worried about what people would think when they see Cait with me, I was sure that everyone knew we had been a couple before and if they thought we were together again, let them, at this point that was my last concern, I was finally getting comfortable with Cait by my side, even if she was not my girlfriend, I was happy she was there with me and nothing would get in the way of that, at least that was what I hoped for.
“I'm not worried about it, it's just that I don't know how I ended up in your bed, we were talking and I…” I interrupted her.
“Cait! Don't worry, I don't know how we ended up sleeping like that either, but it was the best night I've spent in the last months, even though I felt like crap, your company was great!” I said, smiling.
I saw that she relaxed and smiled. I still wasn't 100%, but I wasn't feeling as queasy as before and I wasn't feeling as weak. The headache was there, but I was used to it, it was always like that. I knew that Cait was worried about me, she kept watching my every move as I got ready to leave the hospital, but I didn't want to worry her even more and tried to smile as much as I could to calm her down.
“The driver is already waiting for us and by the orders of our dear assistants, we are going to leave separately, you already know the scheme, don't you?”
“Yes, but I still don't understand why we can't be seen together, after yesterday's photos nothing will change people's minds about us!” Cait sighed.
“Actually Marina is more worried about someone seeing me leaving here and with you together with me, we draw more attention…”
“Of course, Sam, how silly of me! I thought it was about us, but in fact it's about you, of course they can't know anything about it! Sorry, this is all still so new to me that I can't get used to you in a hospital…”
“No need to apologize, and it's not just you! I still can't get used to having a secret life...ironic, isn't it? When I can finally become the most famous secret agent in the movies, I have to take it to my personal life too!”
“But at least now you have someone to share this mission with!” she smiled and took my hand. “Are you ready?”
I nodded and so we parted to go back to the hotel. When we got there, we met two assistants with big smiles on their faces, I knew that they were pleased to see us together, although we didn't look the way they wanted, I was content just to smile and continue with our trip back to LA.
“Great news! We have arranged a private flight so that you can go together without anyone being there to watch or catch you! Enjoy your rest! Lauren and I are going on the commercial flight anyway, you know, we prefer to give you some privacy, I think you need our assistance more than you need us!”
“When I say they just need a little incentive to do a great job…” Cait said laughing.
“You know we love you guys, right?” Lauren said, blowing Cait a kiss.
“See you in LA! Now go! We've already put your belongings in the car! Thank us later!” Marina winked at me.
“I think I need to change my assistant, this one's getting too cocky!” I said loudly to Cait, receiving only a not very polite gesture from Marina.
Cait and I laughed and got in the car that would take us to the small airport from where our private flight would leave. I couldn't deny it, I was grateful for this miracle of our assistants, I was still a little weak and I could already imagine myself lying down in the comfortable seat of that plane. And best of all, I could feel at ease because I would only have Cait with me and the small crew that would accompany us.
As we boarded the plane, I saw that Cait was also relieved that we could be more comfortable, without having to worry about people recognizing us or not being able to get too close. Yes, like her, I was looking forward to her company, I knew I was acting on impulse, everything I had fought so hard to put away I was bringing back to myself, but how could I keep Cait away? How could I stay away from her touch? Especially when she was so willing to stay close to me?
Without exchanging many words, we settled into the seats that tilted up into a small bed, I didn't need to say anything, she lay down beside me and pulled my arm to settle around her. I took a deep breath and smelled the scent of her hair, how good it was! In a matter of minutes I fell asleep, I was home again and this was the most certain mistake of my life at that moment. We were in our little bubble, protected from everything that was happening in the outside world and how I was going to miss it when we got to LA.
POV Cait
The three hours of flight passed so quickly that I was startled when they came to tell us that we were ready to land in LA. I smiled when I saw that Sam was still sleepy next to me, his hand unconsciously squeezing my waist. It was so normal that we slept like this that I couldn't notice that something was different between us, but unfortunately it was, we were no longer the couple that slept together every day and going back to LA would only reinforce this reality, I couldn't stay at his house every day, I had my commitments and to my dismay, my house to take care of.
“I think we'd better get the seats up, they've already come to tell us more than once that we're going to land.” I said to Sam who still had his eyes closed, but I knew him too well to know that he was awake.
“Mmm…” he murmured, opening his eyes slowly and staring at me with the bluest, sleepiest eyes I knew.
“Are you feeling better?” I asked him with a serious look, knowing that he was not feeling very well when we left Houston.
He just shook his head and smiled. We settled into the seats, now positioned correctly for landing and for the first time in the entire flight, Sam was not touching me. I felt a sudden emptiness, how could one touch mean so much? But he completed me and in the current situation, I knew how important a touch could be. Soon we landed and I could see from the airplane window that a car was already waiting for us, it was Sam's car, I looked to the side and there was nothing else, what would I do now? Would I go to his house? I did not know where he was living, we had not talked about it, but before I could say anything, Sam seemed to read my thoughts and spoke.
“I'll drop you off at home, I remember the way very well!” of course he remembered. That house had been his home for the last three years after we moved away from Scotland when the series ended.
“Ok…” I answered. I didn't know what else to say, what were we going to do now? It seemed that all the progress we had made in the last day had disappeared when we got off that plane, we were like two strangers and I was walking on eggshells, not knowing what to say and afraid of pushing him away for good.
We got into the car and Sam was behind the wheel, he seemed to be doing well, I knew he liked to drive and didn't have to rely on drivers. As we drove to my house, actually our house, how strange it was to see myself being driven home by Sam and him not living there with me! Our cell phones started beeping non-stop, several notifications popping up on the screen. Since he was driving, I grabbed mine and went to see what was bothering us so much, it was probably Lauren and Marina asking us about the trip and what our itinerary would be for the next few days.
Sweet illusion, it wasn't that simple at all. Sure, the two had sent several messages, but the content was not light at all and while I was trying to digest everything I was reading, Lauren started calling me. Sam looked at me questioning what was going on, I couldn't disguise my startled look, but I didn't answer anything, I just shrugged as if I didn't know what was going on and answered Lauren's call.
“Are you guys here yet?” was the first thing she said.
“Yes, we are in the car, Sam is taking me home…”
“No, tell him to change the route and go straight to his house, Marina and I will try to get there as fast as possible, we are still stuck at the airport...has he already seen it? Please, if not, try not to tell him until he gets home, I know you can do it! Now I have to go!”
And without giving me a chance to respond, she hung up, leaving me not knowing what to do, how could I hide this from Sam? I was a terrible liar and he knew it!
“Cait? What happened? That was Lauren, right? I heard her nervous voice from here!”
“Sam, she asked you to take me to your house, she and Marina are going there…” ok, I shouldn't have given so many details, obviously he would question this decision.
“Why do they need to talk to both of us together? Cait? What happened? Does it have anything to do with the millions of notifications flashing on my cell phone?”
“Sam, I think we'd better go to your place first.” I tried to be convincing, but I was failing miserably.
“Cait, if you don't tell me now what's going on, I'm going to stop this car right now and look for myself!” he said nervously, reaching for his cell phone on the dashboard.
“Sam...they, they found out...I mean, she found out and now it's all over the place.” I tried to speak slowly, I didn't know his reaction.
I saw him clench his hands on the steering wheel, his eyes blinking a few times, seeming to hold back tears.
“She? How?” he asked in a hoarse voice.
“I can't say that it was her, but I am sure Sam, the pictures were released, of you going in and out of the hospital and soon after she gave a statement that she was devastated by the news, but that you knew you could count on her support for anything you needed. There are no pictures of us together, but I have received thousands of questions, wanting to know if I am with you, if I knew everything, if I knew about Hailee…” I said everything at once, without taking a breath, I didn't know if I could say everything at that moment, but I was so angry, so frustrated!
He didn't say anything, he kept looking straight ahead, without blinking or moving. I saw that his breathing was altered, clearly he was not well, but also how could he be? What he wanted most was to go through all of this alone, besides me coming in to mess up his entire routine, now the whole world knew about his disease and he would have no more peace and quiet and all because of a stupid woman who thought she had the right to expose his life in the chance of getting promoted and maybe even have a relationship.
I tried to put my hand over his, to calm him down, but he rudely took it away.
“Sam, please don't do this, we're in this together....”
“Are we? Is it, by any chance, your life being exposed everywhere? Is it your disease being publicized as a trivial thing for an aspiring model to get some good movie role? Are you going to become a charity case, just when all you wanted was to be left alone? No, it's not, so don't say we're in this together!”
I knew that he was angry and hurt by what was happening, but his words hurt me. We had always been together in everything, he had always supported me in everything I did, both good and bad, just as I did that with him, and now when he was suffering one of the worst things any human being could ever feel, he was excluding me from his life as if I wasn't necessary.
“I may not be able to stand in your shoes, to be exposed the way you are, but I am suffering the same way Sam, you know that, you know that I have always supported you in everything and I won't leave you alone now, I may not be able to understand all your suffering, but I want to be by your side to calm you down and give you the strength you need to face it all!”
He didn't say anything. He just turned the car around and I saw that we had arrived at his house, which by immense coincidence was very close to mine! How come I never knew about this? How come I never saw him around? Still without talking to me, he got out of the car quickly and closed the door so hard that it caused a pressure in my ear. Not knowing what to do, I got out of the car and followed him.
As soon as I entered the house, I felt a strange coldness, it wasn't a home, it didn't seem to be Sam's home, it seemed that he had bought the house with all the furniture and didn't bother to change anything. Sam walked from one side to the other, went to the kitchen, got a glass and filled it with whisky, but scared me when he threw the glass away, causing damage in the form of shards of glass and whisky all over the floor.
“Fuck! I can't even have a fucking glass of whisky to calm down!” he shouted.
I knew he could push me away once again, but I didn't care, I just wanted to calm him down, I wanted him to know that I was there for us to face everything together, I ran to him and hugged him. He kept his arms by his side, he didn't pull me away, but he didn't return the hug. I could feel his chest rise and fall with his rapid breathing. I hugged him tighter, stroking his back, something I knew would calm him down, and slowly I felt his body relax to my touch.
“Sam...please…” I spoke softly, my voice muffled in his chest.
I felt him take a deep breath and his arms soon went around my body. At first a shy hug, but then I was almost crushed by how tight he held me.
“Cait…” his voice was hoarse, now his body was collapsing on top of mine, which made me lean on the kitchen counter to keep from falling. “Please...don't give up on me…”
My heart almost broke at that request, of course I wouldn't give up on him, never, no matter how hard he tried to push me away, I was too stubborn to run away and let him suffer on his own, I loved him too much for that.
“Never!” I said firmly, with a certainty that until then I had not demonstrated.
In the midst of the silence of our declarations, the sound of the doorbell took over the house. Sam moved away from me and looked at me confused, Marina doesn't usually ask permission to enter and we certainly weren't expecting visitors. He ran to the door and opened it quickly.
How difficult it was not knowing what to feel, I was happy that Cait was by my side, but at the same time I didn't want her to see me there, in a hospital room taking a medication that I knew would provoke reactions that she wasn't prepared to see, I still wasn't used to it, in fact, I would never get used to being there, to be treating a disease that I still couldn't accept that was taking over me.
The nurse came into the room and I went to bed, the treatment I was undergoing was new, not as aggressive as chemotherapy, but it had side effects that were unpleasant and that's why I spent the night in the hospital. While she prepared to inject the medicine in my arm, I saw Cait watching everything from the door, I knew she was apprehensive, she was trying to give me space and at the same time absorb that this was really happening. A few minutes later, with everything already prepared, the nurse left and an awkward silence filled the room. I knew I wouldn't be able to get her away, so I would have to be the one to break the ice.
“Am I seeing a new record being set here in front of me?” I said, trying to smile. Cait just looked at me questioning what I was trying to say “The longest you've gone without saying a single word to me!”
She, who had seemed tense until this moment, relaxed and smiled.
“And I see you still have the same problem of unfunny jokes!” she answered, laughing.
“You know that there's no problem sitting here next to me, right?” I said, showing the armchair next to the bed. “It will still take at least an hour and I don't feel comfortable being watched from such a long distance.”
“As always you are full of yourself, aren't you Heughan? But that's okay, I was tired of being on my feet!”
She sat down next to me and slowly we relaxed, feeling comfortable in each other's presence again. Despite the unpleasant circumstance, we managed to keep the conversation light, nothing too serious was being discussed, and I was even managing to laugh, something I couldn't remember doing very often these last months.
Half an hour had already passed when we heard our cell phones vibrating non-stop. Surprised by the coincidence, we went to see what it was. Of course, how could I have forgotten last night? So many things had happened that it seemed like a century ago, but the repercussions of our meeting were everywhere.
“I didn't think these pictures would make such a big buzz!” I said, looking at our pictures on the red carpet, I couldn't deny that we were still a beautiful couple.
“How could they not? We haven't appeared together at an event since our break up announcement, do you think they wouldn't go crazy with a picture of us together? Heughan, sometimes your calm amazes me!”
“Amazes or annoys you? Cait, it hasn't been that long since we've been apart, I know you too well to know that you don't like it when I don't care what people say about us.”
“Of course not, because you keep thinking that they're making all this fuss just because of our red carpet photos when in fact it's about this!” she said, showing me her cell phone.
It was a very poor quality video of the two of us leaving the party in the same car. If anyone stopped to look carefully they would see that we didn't look like we were having fun together, quite the opposite! But of course no one would pay attention to this, by now there were more than a thousand theories about where we were going and if we really were a couple again and when we were going to reconcile.
“We will disappoint many people when they see that this announcement will never come.” I said immediately regretting that I had entered this subject.
Cait's look hurt me more than the blessed needle in my arm. I knew that our friendship would not work out, how could I keep her around without bringing up the subject of our relationship? Or without dashing any hope she still had? I wanted to give her that hope, that we could still be a couple again, but looking at the situation I was in at the moment ended any chance of that happening, she hadn't even seen my worst and was already devastated, with a look that I knew very well, I didn't want her to feel sorry for me or suffer for me, no, that wasn't what I wanted for her or for anyone in my life, it wasn't fair.
“Hey, as you always say, let's not care what they say about us, because unfortunately they will still see us together a lot, even if it's not the way they want, I'm not going anywhere, I've made that clear Sam, and I know what you're thinking now!” she said, looking me straight in the eye.
I just took her hand, which was resting on the bed beside me, and squeezed it, giving her a weak smile in response. We ended up giving up on seeing what they were talking about us, it wouldn't change anything in this current situation and it wasn't something I could worry about now. Again the silence took over the room, but this time it was not awkward but pleasant. She didn't let go of my hand and I didn't think it was bad, it was good to feel this affection, even if it was small, it made me feel good, it made me feel safe and as strange as it seemed, it made me feel at home.
A while later they came into the room to remove the medicine that had finished. Now I would just have to stay for observation due to the side effects. I was tired with all that had happened in the last few hours and ended up falling asleep feeling Cait's caress on my arm. I woke up a while later with my cell phone vibrating and Cait moving beside the bed.
“Fuck! I can't believe I did that again! What's your problem Cait?” I heard her arguing with herself. I opened my eyes slowly and faced her.
“And what is your problem?” I said quietly, my mouth dry from the medicine.
“You got a message on your cell phone, sorry, I read it! I don't know what my problem is! I can't seem to learn! Oh, it's Hailee!” she said, getting up from her chair and going to the other side of the room.
I had to hold back my laughter, was she really mad about this? Of course, after all we fought about it and Hailee was still between us, I still couldn't understand how Cait couldn't see that I was never interested in her or any other woman. I decided to read that message, I had no idea what she could have said to leave Cait so unsettled.
"Did you have a good trip? Can't wait to see you! Miss you Sammy!"
All I could manage to do was emit an unpleasant sound with my throat. Miss what? I hadn't seen Hailee since that fateful day at the bar, but it seemed that she knew I was with Cait again, of course she did, our picture was all over the gossip websites.
“It looks like she can't wait to see you Sammy!” Cait said in a tone that I knew was sarcastic. “Not that I had anything to do with it!”
“Oh no?”
“You were free to be with anyone...I just didn't think it would happen so fast, or with her…” she said quietly, thinking I wouldn't hear that last part.
“Of course Cait, the first thing I did when I found out I had cancer was to run after that dull blonde! The only person I would run to is you, and I didn't do that, did I?” I said a little irritated, how could this Hailee still cause problems between us?
Cait just took a deep breath and turned slowly to face me. I looked at her seriously. She walked to my side and took my hand again.
“I'm sorry Sam...I didn't mean to, I…” but I interrupted her.
“I know Cait, just remember who is with me now, the only person I want by my side.” I said, squeezing her hand and smiling.
It was true, as hard as it was being there, she was the only one I wanted by my side. Only her.
So when you hold my hand
Do you wanna hold my heart?
POV Cait
Night soon came and I had only left Sam alone to go quickly to the hotel to take a shower and change clothes, I did everything so fast that only when I was arriving at the room that I realized I was wearing my shirt inside out. I laughed at this realization, but went into the room without caring.
When I got to where Sam was lying, my smile disappeared from my face as quickly as it had appeared. I tried to take a deep breath and understand that the one lying there was not the person I had fallen in love with six years ago, this was not Sam who always had a smile on his face no matter what, this was not Sam who had the brightest, most expressive blue eyes I had ever seen. No, that was not Sam, that was not my Sam.
He had warned me of the side effects of the medication, but nothing could prepare me for the scene before me. His eyes were deep, his hair was sticking to his face from sweat, his mouth and face were pale, he looked lifeless. He was completely passed out on the bed, as if he had lost the will to go on. I felt a lump in my throat that prevented me from speaking, I tried to swallow, I needed to say something, I needed to be strong for him, especially when I knew he seemed powerless.
“I said I would be quick! I was so fast that I came in with my shirt inside out, I probably amused the nurse!” I said trying to smile, but I knew I was failing miserably.
“Cait…” Sam spoke almost in a whisper.
I squeezed my eyes shut trying to hold back the tears that were forming, no, I couldn't cry, he couldn't see that I wasn't strong enough to take care of him, and most of all, I couldn't feel sorry for him, that was the last thing he wanted and he made it clear several times. I saw that he was pointing to the glass of water on the table. I quickly took the glass and handed it to him, who thanked me with his head.
“Cait, you don't have to stay here....” he spoke better now, but his voice was still hoarse.
“Sam, haven't we already discussed this?”
“You didn't let me finish, you don't need to stay here beside me, I'm not going to be good company, go watch TV, rest, I'm going to sleep anyway…” he said looking away.
I knew what he was doing, he was closing himself off to me, he didn't want me to see more of what was going to happen. I had no idea how much worse he could get, but still I had no intention of leaving his side.
“You are always great company, Sam, and it will be nice to be silent around you for once in my life!” I laughed shyly at the joke I had made.
Sam laughed too, how good it was to hear the sound of his laughter, even though it was shy and hoarse, it was as contagious as ever. When the laughter stopped, we remained silent for a while. I sat back down in the armchair beside the bed, and out of habit took Sam's hand in mine, which was lying flat. It startled me to feel it so cold, but I didn't let go, instead I squeezed it, trying to bring warmth back into it.
More time passed, I saw that Sam had fallen asleep and I started to read a book that I had brought from the hotel. Our hands were still entwined and even though sitting up was a little uncomfortable to read, I didn't want to let go, I felt that this was the comfort he needed to sleep. I was distracted and stuck in an interesting part of the book when I felt a tug on my hand, I looked quickly at Sam who had an alarmed look on his face, I didn't know what he was feeling, what he needed and a desperation took over me. He let go of my hand and turned quickly on the bed, almost falling over. I saw that he was getting up and before I had time to say anything, he ran awkwardly to the bathroom, almost tripping on the way.
Without having time to close the door, within minutes I knew the reason for his desperation, he was lying on the floor, with his head almost inside the toilet, throwing up. I stood there not knowing what to do, I didn't know if I should go to him, if I should ask him if he needed anything, of course he was not well, that didn't need to be asked, but I was lost:
- Sam... - but before I could continue, he kicked the door shut, slamming it in my face.
Yes, it was clear that he didn't want my help there. I stood for a while behind the door listening to make sure that he was okay. After a few minutes I heard the sound of the flush and waited for him, but nothing happened.
“Sam? Are you okay?” I said without thinking, soon regretting my stupid question.
“I'm fine!” he answered in a tone that I knew was ironic.
“Sam, I'm sorry, I'm just worried, I don't know if you need anything…”
“I need to be alone!” he said harshly.
Those words hit me hard. I knew he didn't want to say it, I knew it was because of the whole situation, but they still hurt me. I took a deep breath and turned to leave the room. When I was halfway out, I heard him feel sick again, he didn't sound well, I could hear his foot hitting the door, probably because the bathroom was too small for him. No, I wasn't going to leave him alone, I turned around and opened the bathroom door with all my strength, scaring him.
“Cait, no…” I saw that he was trying to close the door again with his feet and held on tight. - I told you I want to be alone! - he tried to shout, but soon another wave of nausea came over him, making him turn to the toilet.
“You stubborn Scot! You may think you want to be alone, but you don't! And if you think this is too much for me to handle, don't forget that you've already taken care of me drunk, I'm just returning the favor!” I spoke with determination.
I bent down beside him and ran my hand over his forehead, brushing his sweat-soaked hair away. He tried to dodge my touch, but once again he was feeling sick and unable to react, so he let me take care of him. We spent part of the night there, both of us sitting on the floor, me holding this six-foot tall man who looked as fragile as a baby. I knew there was nothing I could do about the nausea, but I was there holding his hand the whole time.
When the worst was over, we went back to the room. He was weak, but I saw that they had left more water and some fruit in the room, I didn't know if he would be able to eat anything, but if they were there, they probably knew better than I did what he needed. He sat down on the bed and got the water, took a few sips, and stopped, staring at me.
“Do you want something to eat?” I asked, pointing to the fruit.
“I knew you were stubborn, but today I had proof that your Irish blood is worse than mine.” he said with a smile on his face.
“I've always said that the Irish are better.”
“That depends on your point of view! Better for whom?” he laughed when I hit him lightly on the arm. “But you can relax, the worst is over!” he said seriously.
“You know I'll always be here, for better or for worse.”
“I know, and boy, do I know…” and with a slight smile on his face, he reached out to grab a slice of apple from the plate. “It's a good thing they know I'm powerless to do anything, otherwise when they see you leaving the room with your shirt inside out they'll think your visit was successful!” he laughed.
I felt my face heat up, but I couldn't help laughing along with him. Yeah, he was better already, that was my Sam!
You have no idea how happy I am after reading all the comments from the last chapter! You, sharing all your stories made me feel so good! Thank you all so much! And just remember that I wrote this story some time ago, but in my native language, now I'm translating to English, editing and posting here. So forgive me for any mistake. ❤
POV Sam
I didn't know what to feel, I was confused, had I done the right thing by accepting Cait into my life again? Would I be able to see her all the time and not want her in my arms? I already knew the answer to this question, but I couldn't, I couldn't bring her into this madness that was my life. What promise of a future could I offer her if I didn't even know what was waiting for me?
But deep inside I felt a comfort in being able to count on her again, she was my safe port, the person with whom I always trusted my life, my feelings. I smiled as I remembered the night we had had. How could I not do it again? Before I could think of anything else, Marina caught my attention.
“Sam! Are you listening to me?”
“I am now!” I smiled when I saw her staring at me angrily.
“And was your evening pleasant? Or was the sacrifice too great?” she smiled wryly.
“Haven't you caught up with Lauren yet? I'm sure she'll give you all the details, after all, didn't you plan the whole thing?”
“Gee, Sam, people think we're terrible assistants! You had a problem and we solved it! Now if something else happened, it was all your fault!”
“And who said anything happened?”
“That silly smile on your face since we boarded the plane!” she now flashed a triumphant smile.
Was it that obvious? I tried to become serious again.
“No need to worry, I won't tell anyone! But I do demand a thank you for putting the smile back on this face after months! Oh, and I also accept to hear everything that happened…”
“I think you already know too much about my personal life, I prefer to keep what little I have left to myself.”
“And my thanks? I can't wait to see you together, I missed you so much…”
“We are not together.” I said, cutting her off.
“No? But I thought that…” she stammered awkwardly.
“I don't know why I tell you everything, but yes, we had a good night, but you know I can't go back to this relationship.”
“But Sam, why not? I'm sure it would be good for you, some company…”
“You keep me company!”
“But I'm your assistant!” I looked at her hurt “okay, we're friends, but it's not the same thing as having the person you love by your side and Cait loves you, I know that and so do you!”
“Marina... I think we'd better get back to discussing my commitments.”
“We already have! Have you at least told her?”
I lowered my head, would she really insist on this subject? Of course she would! Marina was a great assistant, but more than that, she has been a great friend, the only one who knew everything that was going on and the only one who was by my side giving me strength.
“Sam, you know that I don't mind one bit to be by your side during this whole process, and not only because I work for you, but I also know that you miss her every day and suffer for it, I see the way you look at that damn picture you hide in your cell phone. Don't you think you have punished her enough? I know that she hurt you, but I also know that you don't deserve to go through all this away from her, you don't need to be proud like that!”
I knew that Marina was right in everything she said, how angry I was at how well she knew me! But why couldn't anyone understand that I wasn't being proud but caring? I was taking care of the person I loved, I didn't want to see her suffer because of me. I was tired of seeing the look on Marina's face every time I had to inject the damn medicine, the tears she tried to hide from me when she saw me feeling ill, the way she left the room disguisedly saying that she had to make some phone calls when in fact she couldn't bear to see me lying in that bed. I didn't want to see Cait go through this too, my pain was enough, I didn't need hers too.
“I told her…”
“You did? And why is it me here next to you on the way to the hospital and not her?”
“Because she doesn't know I'm here! I have accepted her as a friend again, but this friendship will not include her seeing me in a hospital bed! And this matter is closed!” I said harshly.
I knew I was being rude to the person who least deserved to be treated this way, but I was tired, I was tired of thinking about this and I still had to go to the hospital for the damn treatment.
“All right, Sam, I won't meddle any further in this matter, but I just hope you don't regret this decision!”
We both remained silent all the way to the hotel in Houston. When we arrived, I noticed that Marina could not stop looking at her cell phone. I knew that face very well, she was worried and tried to hide it by smiling at me every time I looked at her. Soon the driver pulled up to the hotel door and I got out of the car.
Marina was still glued to her cell phone, totally distracted by what I was telling her.
“Will you stop it?!” I said abruptly, taking the cell phone from her hand. “You're annoying me and you're not listening to a single word I'm saying!”
“Sam! Give it back to me, it's important!” she said, trying to take the cell phone from me.
“What could be that important?” I tried to look, but she was quick to take it back.
“Work!”
I decided to forget it, she was angry and it must really be something important. Why was I so grumpy? Since when did I think it was bad that she didn't pay attention to me and was only on her cell phone? She was always like that. I ignored her and went to my room to leave my things, I didn't have much time, it was almost time for my appointment. I splashed some water on my face and took a deep breath, I was ready for another session!
I went downstairs to meet Marina and go to the hospital, but I was taken totally by surprise by a presence in the hotel lobby. I recognized that slender body from afar, I didn't need to get any closer to know it was her. I quickened my steps in her direction.
“What are you doing here?” I spoke loudly, causing her to turn in my direction.
“Heughan, I promised you wouldn't get rid of me! You may be a stubborn Scot, but I am more!” she spoke calmly with a satisfied smile on her face.
I looked around for my assistant, I couldn't see her anywhere, she was probably running away from me.
“Cait, you're not supposed to be here...I already told you I don't want you to see me like this....”
“Like what? Sam, I told you I'm not leaving you alone, so stop trying to convince me otherwise and let's go, you're going to be late!” she said, holding out her hand to me.
I took a deep breath and held her hand. I knew she wouldn't give up, no matter what I said, she was stubborn and I always loved that about her, I just didn't know if I was enjoying it very much now.
“Oh, and don't even think about getting mad at Marina, she's not to blame for your pride and my stubbornness!” she smiled again.
I hated how well she knew me, and I hated it even more for not being able to hide the smile that was forming at the corner of my mouth.
And I'll follow right down the river
Where the ocean meets the sky
To you, to you
POV Cait
I knew that I would have to be tough, that this was the only way to convince that stubborn Scot that I should be there by his side. But I had to confess that I was nervous, I didn't know what to expect, what I would see in the hospital. It was still so unreal to me! Imagining Sam sick, he had always been so active, healthy, of course he always had a cold and this was a daily reason for me to pick on him since he never stopped doing anything when he was like this, but now it was another level of sickness, it was nothing that could be cured with a simple pill and rest.
As we got into the car, I saw that Marina had appeared next to Lauren in front of the hotel and waved to me, smiling.
“These two are the best worst assistants we have!” Sam said seriously, but with a slight smile on his face.
“You know that they just want to see us happy, that would simplify their work!”
“Yes…” before Sam could say more, Marina came to the window.
“I know it's beautiful that you two are together again like this, I'm overjoyed, but please, promise me one thing, be discreet! No one knows that Sam is here, let alone going to the hospital, so please, leave the car separately, that procedure you already know very well!” Marina said everything in seconds, running over the words as the car started to leave.
With all the rush to go after Sam, I had completely forgotten to be discreet, I knew that Sam would never go public about his illness and it was probably good to be discreet since I didn't know anything about it until the day before, but adding my presence, it would be more difficult to hide, I would have to be careful, which I wasn't when I took the plane and came to Houston without warning.
“Don't worry, I already have an arrangement with the hospital, just keep wearing those giant glasses that cover your whole face and don't come in with me and everything will be fine.” Sam said looking like he knew what I was thinking.
“But how can I be by your side? I told you that you won't be alone!” I said seriously, not wanting to give him the opportunity to dismiss me.
“I know, Cait, you've made that very clear several times.” he spoke with a slight smile. “Marina has probably already informed the hospital that you will be my escort, just remember that there I am the patient Roland, and don't laugh, I hate that name, but it was my dear assistant's idea!”
I really held back my laughter, I knew how he disliked his middle name, but I had to tell Marina later how good the idea had been. It didn't even take us 15 minutes to reach the imposing hospital. "MD Anderson Cancer Center." Reading the name of the place brought a tightening in my chest, and in a reflex I grabbed Sam's hand and squeezed it, I don't know why, but I wanted to show him that I was there and that everything was going to be okay, even if I wasn't sure of that yet. He didn't shy away, I felt his thumb making small circles on my palm, I knew it was a gesture he did when he was nervous.
I noticed that we were going to the back of the hospital, of course, that was the arrangement, Sam was not going to enter through the front door. I always managed to blend in with the people around me and was rarely recognized in places that weren't aware of my presence before, but Sam was a hard person to miss in a crowd. At over six feet tall and with his physical stature, it was almost impossible to go unnoticed, and after his success as the famous secret agent, there were very few women who didn't spot him from a few feet away.
Before getting out of the car, I saw that Sam had put on his old cap, I smiled as I remembered how we fought every time he insisted that it would make him invisible, of course, no one else will know that he is Sam Heughan without the famous curls, and then reality hit me once again, he really could be without that wonderful hair and my heart squeezed. Before I could think more about it, I saw that he got out of the car, and I tried to get out soon after, but he stopped me.
“Wait about fifteen minutes, then go inside and look for Nurse Dawson, she will take you to my room.”
And without giving me a chance to say anything, he walked quickly to a small door that was already open to receive him. While waiting for those long minutes to pass, I picked up my cell phone that was tired of being ignored after so many notifications. There were pictures and more pictures of the event the night before, there were several of me alone on the red carpet, I was pleased with what I saw, I had managed to disguise my nervousness and anxiety about seeing Sam. Then came the pictures of him and he was as handsome as ever, but even with a smile on his face I could see his sad eyes and it broke my heart. But what made me hold my breath were the few pictures they took of the two of us together, it had been a while since I had seen them and I couldn't deny that they were a little strange, at least the first ones, the nervousness was clear in both of us. But among so many bad pictures, one caught my attention, it was the one where Sam had pulled me close to him and whispered in my ear for me to smile, our looks were different, natural, as well as our smiles to each other. I couldn't understand how it had happened in a matter of seconds, but I smiled to see that our love was still there, as was Sam's happiness.
With this photo still open on my cell phone, I got out of the car and went into the hospital determined to bring this joy to Sam again. As instructed, I looked for the nurse who promptly took me to a floor of the hospital that seemed to be more exclusive, there were few doors in the corridor and without exchanging more than two words, she left me in front of room 007. I laughed thinking that this could only be a bad joke, but without wasting any more time, I knocked on the door, I didn't think it was right to enter without warning, I didn't know what to expect on the other side.
I heard Sam's deep voice telling me to come in. When I opened the door I was amazed to see that it looked like anything but a hospital room. There was a large living room with two sofas, a coffee table and a large TV on the wall. Sam was standing in front of another door, which could only be the room itself, I thought. He was still wearing his pants, but the top was already hospital clothing. Instantly I was shocked, I didn't know how to act, what to say, what to do with my hands...
“There's no need to be scared, I only put on these clothes because it's a standard procedure since the medicine is injected into the vein. If you want to sit on the couch, feel free, in a little while they will bring everything and the procedure itself only takes about half an hour, it's just that they keep me overnight for observation, side effects…” he explained, the last words were almost inaudible.
“Sam, I know I seem lost, it's just that everything is still so unreal to me!”
“And you think that for me it isn't? For God's sake Cait, having cancer will never be something normal or real for me, no matter how much I have accepted it...I…” he didn't continue and just turned to the bedroom door.
“I may be lost, but the only certainty I have in all of this is that I came here to be with you and that's what I'm going to do, and don't even think about leaving me sitting in this room all day Heughan!” I said determinedly, walking toward him.
He didn't say anything in response, so I walked over to him and put my hand on his shoulder, turning him toward me. I saw that his eyes were watering, and so were mine, but I couldn't cry, not now and not in front of him. Before I could say anything, we heard a knock on the door.
“Are you ready to win another battle soldier?” I said, squeezing his hand.
He shook his head, letting out a laugh. My face lit up, that's what I was there for.
Those words were not supposed to come out of my mouth like that, in fact they were not supposed to come out at all. That was my fear of spending so much time with her, that was why I was avoiding a conversation. I knew I was weak when I was in her arms. I was even weaker when I saw her tears, and I knew that I was the one who had caused them.
She was right, I really was saying goodbye to her, saying goodbye to what we had and could have. And if I had thought that leaving her four months ago had been difficult, leaving her now was much worse. But we couldn't stay together, I wish I could say that the cause was our initial fight, Cait's jealousy crisis, but unfortunately it was something bigger and worse. I knew I was a good actor, but I totally failed to keep my feelings out of this meeting of ours. Of course I couldn't, this wasn't a movie, this was my life, our lives, and I couldn't ignore the emotions I felt when I saw her smiling, when I felt her in my arms...
“Are you sick?” Cait said turning around.
She still had tears streaming down her face, but her expression was one of perplexity, as if she couldn't believe what she had heard. I just nodded, why was it so difficult to tell her what had been tormenting me these past months?
“Is it a cold? A sore throat? Because from what I can see, you look very well and after last night, I can tell that I didn't see anything wrong with you!” she said quickly, the way she always did when she was nervous.
“No Cait, it's not the flu...I…” the words seemed to be stuck in my throat. I knew that when I would tell her, she wouldn't let me go, but I couldn't stay, I couldn't let her get stuck with me.
“Sam, you're scaring me! What's going on?” she spoke with a distressed look in her eyes, now she was coming closer to me again.
I was sitting in the only armchair in the room. She, unconcerned about anything, sat down on the floor in front of me, she knew that this would make me talk, her closeness always calmed me down.
“You weren't supposed to know, I didn't want to...I don't want to, I mean, almost no one knows, I don't like to be treated with pity, to be a charity case...I, I just want to try to get on with my life! But it's hard, nobody understands me, everybody thinks they know what I'm going through, but no, they don't... I've never felt so alone in my whole life…” Everything was going out of order, the words were coming out and I couldn't control it anymore, I knew that I was making a fool of myself, saying nonsense, but I had held so much for myself these months.
“Sam, you're not alone anymore, I'm here and I'm not leaving your side.” She put her hand on my face, wiping away a tear that I hadn't realized had escaped.
“No Cait, you can't, I can't…” I said nervously, wanting to get up.
“That's up to me, now you're going to sit here and tell me what's going on with you, then we'll decide if I'm going to stay or not…” her voice was calm and firm. “Go Sam, I'm not leaving here until I know what's leaving you like this…” While with one hand she continued to caress my face and hair, with the other she held my hand, tightly.
“You know how we always do check-ups before shooting any film, routine check-ups, just so the studio knows you're healthy. So, in the last one I did I found out that even though I always do everything to be healthy, I wasn't…”
“But at your last checkup we were still together, I remember going with you…”
“Yes, it was just before we split up when they called me to talk about the results…” I knew that what I had done was unfair, not telling her, but we were not well and this would only be another burden on our relationship, I didn't want her to feel sorry for me.
“Okay, I'm not going to get into this discussion now as to why you didn't tell me, but Sam, please, what showed up on your exam?” I felt her squeeze my hand tighter.
“Leukemia.” I said it all at once, that word always seemed to form a lump in my throat, I didn't like to vocalize it, it seemed to make what was happening more real.
I felt Cait's hands leave me for a minute, I had expected this kind of reaction, I had seen the same look on my mother and brother. She was now cowering in front of me, her hands on her face, this was all I didn't want, to cause her more pain, mine was enough, I couldn't bear to see hers:
“Cait...I…” but I couldn't finish the sentence.
Cait practically jumped on top of me, put her arms around me in a tight hug, I was almost being suffocated by the tightness and by her hair on my face, but it felt so good, she calmed me down, I felt safe in her arms, as if nothing could reach me. I felt her tears on my shirt and automatically put my hand in her hair, caressing her, calming her. In the end I didn't know who was calming who, I couldn't hold back the tears that I held back for so long and from everyone. She was the only person I allowed myself to be vulnerable with.
“Oh Sam, I...you know I will always be there for you, whether you want me to or not!” her voice was firm, her gaze serious.
“No, Cait, can't you see that we can't be together? What future can I bring you? As much as I try to be optimistic, I don't want this life for you, this suffering of not knowing what tomorrow holds for me...no.” I said, trying to separate myself from her embrace.
“Sam! Stop trying to be a damn gentleman all the time! You can't possibly want to bear all the problems alone and decide for me what I want for my life! I love you and I never, ever want to see you suffer and certainly not alone! My God! I can't imagine all that you've been through these months!”
“I'm not being a gentleman, I'm just trying to be fair! Cait! I don't want you standing next to me when I get sick from the drugs, I don't want to see you suffering in a hospital room...no, I can take anything but you suffering!”
“And you think I'm happy away from you? Even without knowing what was happening to you, I was already suffering! And I don't think you deserve to be alone because of a health problem, Sam, loneliness can be worse than any illness…”
I wanted to tell her that she was wrong, that it wasn't that bad. But who was I kidding? Each day that passed I only felt sadder, and worst of all was having to face everyone as if nothing was happening, after all I didn't want to make my state of health known to the world. My family helped me a lot when I received the diagnosis, but they had a life far away from me, they couldn't pamper me all the time and neither did I want to. But the care I was getting now from Cait was unlike anything else, she was my safe haven and I couldn't deny it anymore.
“But we can't go back to the way things were before, I don't know if I can .... be in a relationship...I…” I didn't know how to say this without hurting her.
“Sam, I'm not asking you for anything but to be able to stay by your side, we are best friends first of all, just let me take care of you, please?”
Her look was so sincere, I truly missed our friendship, sure, being next to her in bed was great, but what made our relationship work was always our friendship and now more than ever I needed that. I just hugged her in response, I felt her body relax into mine, how good this felt.
“You know you're not leaving this room until you tell me everything, right? I want to know all the details, Sam, I want to help you…”
“Don't worry, it's not as bad as it looks, and I still have all my hair!” I said, trying to get a smile out of her.
I felt her hand slap me on the back in response to the unfunny joke I had made.
“I love you Sam.” she whispered in my ear.
“I love you too, Cait.”
She changed my life
She cleaned me up
She found my heart
Like only a woman can
She pulls me up
When she knows I'm sad
She knows her man
Like only a woman can
POV Cait
Was I prepared for everything I heard? No, of course not, I still couldn't believe that the tall, strong, blushing Sam in front of me was suffering with something I couldn't even imagine, but it was true and now I would try to deal with it in the best way possible. At any moment it crossed my mind to abandon him, no, as much as our love relationship no longer existed, our friendship was strong and would have to be enough.
I had already cried, I had already comforted him, we had already cried together, but now I needed to be strong, for him, for me, for us. After we had calmed down a bit, Sam told me some details of what he had done so far to deal with the disease, God, how difficult it was to deal with this cursed word that brought so much anguish in my heart. He was undergoing a treatment known as Immunotherapy, the goal of which was to stimulate the immune system to fight or destroy the cancer cells. I had never heard of it, but Sam explained to me that in many countries it was not yet approved and was very expensive. He was lucky that he could afford it and avoid chemotherapy, at least for the time being, the treatment could last up to two years, but they were monitoring to see if he would not have progression of the disease.
I knew that he might need a bone marrow transplant, but he didn't bring it up and I didn't want to talk about it as long as he seemed hopeful about this treatment he was taking. Now I could understand why he wasn't drinking his usual whisky at dinner, or why he had barely touched the breakfast we had ordered. I tried to stop my thoughts about how this could affect his shape, it was such a superfluous thing to think about, but unfortunately it worried me.
“Cait, I have to go or I'll miss my flight and Marina will kill me!” Sam got up from the bed where we had spent the last hour talking.
“But are you sure you want to go now? You can try to get on the flight with me, I'm sure you can change your ticket and…”
“Cait!” he interrupted me "You know I'm fine now, right? You don't have to worry, not after everything you did to me last night and this morning!” he laughed, but soon turned serious when he saw the look I gave in his direction. “Seriously, you don't have to worry, that's why I don't like to tell people, they start treating me differently, like I'm incapable!” he said, frustrated, trying to button his shirt.
“Sam, I know you can manage on your own, I just thought you could use some company right now, especially after all we've been through this morning! And will you stop trying to button this shirt?! Half of the buttons are on the floor!” I said nervously.
He looked down and laughed, remembering what he had done the night before. He ended up taking his coat and putting it over his open shirt to try to disguise it. I ended up laughing along with him, how I needed to see that laugh, to feel mine too. The air in the room was so heavy, we needed to lighten it up a bit. Unfortunately we had to say goodbye, I didn't want to, but I knew that after everything we had talked and experienced, some time alone was necessary for both of us. To put our thoughts in order. But I was afraid that he would pull away again, that he wouldn't let me be a part of his life.
“I'm not going to run away, you know that, don't you?” Sam said, seeming to read my thoughts; I hated how well he knew me. “And besides, to find out where I live, just ask Lauren or Marina, I'm sure they won't hesitate for a second to give you this information!”
“These two still scare me, you know? I think they know more about our lives than we do!” I smiled. “But you know you can't get rid of me, right?”
“I always knew that, Cait!” he smiled with the corner of his mouth and moved closer to me. “Like I said, you know how to find me, I promise I won't disappear!” and hugged me.
I knew he was trying very hard to keep me close, I knew how hard it was for him to admit that he needed someone at this time in his life, and worse, that he needed me even if only as a friend. I squeezed him hard enough to let him know that I would not abandon him, I love him too much to let him suffer alone. Before more tears started to fall, I broke away and gave him a smile, weak but still a smile. He returned it and left the room without looking back.
When I found myself alone, I collapsed on the bed and cried. I let out everything that I had been holding in while he told me everything he had done in our four months apart, it seemed that the tightness I felt in my chest wouldn't go away, and I thought that I had suffered a lot when he left home. If I had known everything he had been through, I wouldn't have been so proud not to look for him. No, I couldn't think of what could have been different, now our situation was this and I was going to do my best to comfort him, that was what mattered, I would have to put my feelings for him aside a little, now was not the time to think about our relationship, at least not the loving one.
My crisis was interrupted by my cell phone ringing, it was Lauren telling me that my car was already waiting for me, it was time to go. I tried to make myself more presentable, but my swollen face was hard to hide and unfortunately I was without my sunglasses. I decided not to worry anymore, I doubt anyone would notice and I didn't care either. I ended up sleeping during the drive to Salt Lake City, I was exhausted, both emotionally and physically.
When I arrived at my hotel, Lauren was already waiting for me with a smile on her face.
“And how was the night?” she asked excitedly.
“Since when do you know?” I asked in a harsh way that startled her.
“That I know what? That you were staying in the same room? Cait, I told you…” but I interrupted her.
“Since when do you know what's going on with Sam, I'm sure Marina told you, she couldn't keep it a secret from you!”
“Cait...I…”
“Lauren, go ahead, I'm not going to get mad at you...right now I'm so exhausted I don't even have the strength to discuss anything!”
“She told me as soon as they found out, she asked for my help to cover it up from the media, so that no one could know and unfortunately, that included you!” she said, lowering her head “But you should know that it was the hardest thing I ever did!”
“And then you and Marina had the brilliant idea to put us in the same room to see if he would finally tell me?”
“No, we didn't really have anything planned, but when the opportunity came up, we decided to give fate a helping hand! But the most we hoped for was to see you together again, I didn't think he would tell everything, much less Marina, she has had a lot of trouble with him…”
She didn't need to add, I knew what she meant, Sam was very stubborn and must have been making Marina suffer to keep everything as "normal" as possible.
“Since you know everything, get ready, when we get to LA, I'll pay Sam a visit!”
“Whoa, but then you guys aren't...?” she was looking at me confused.
“No, and it's too complicated to explain now!”
“So you don't know?” she looked at me apprehensively.
“I don't know what Lauren?” I was already getting irritated.
“That Sam didn't go to LA, he took a direct flight to Houston, that's where he is being treated, in the biggest and best cancer hospital in the US.”
“That bloody Scot!” I shouted, had he really done that? But he had promised he wouldn't get rid of me and he would keep his promise. “Lauren, clear my schedule and find the fastest flight out of here to Houston!”
Notes:
Please, don't kill me!!! I can assure you that all the suffer will be worth in the end, this story is different and will show some things that I've never seen before in a S/C fic.
“This has got to be a joke! Come on Marina, you can do better than that!” I said laughing.
“Sam, I'm serious, it's the only solution, unless you want to sleep in the car!”
“You know I won't do it, and I'm sure she won't either!”
“I don't know what you will work out, but I talked to Lauren and the only available room she has booked for the two of you! My work is done, I have found a place for you to spend the night, now what you two will work out is beyond my control!”
“Oh sure, as always you and Lauren have done your job...lucky you're far away” I said irritated, I knew of their friendship and of their insistence that Cait and I needed to talk, but I didn't know they could pull something like this!
I hung up the phone, I knew it was no use fighting, she wouldn't offer another solution, nor could I see another one! It was probably a big room, with two beds and we could sleep one in each corner, without talking much. Cait had already drunk, I was sure she would fall asleep quickly. Oh sure, Sam, it would all be easy like that! You don't seem to know the woman you have lived with every day for six years! This night would be anything but simple and easy.
I decided to face reality and go and talk to Cait about the hotel. I saw that she was also talking on the phone, probably Lauren had given her the nice news, because her face was not the best when I approached her.
“Do you already know what they have set up for us?” I asked.
“What your assistant has set up, right? Because Lauren booked the room first!” she replied angrily.
“I'm not happy about it either, but now the room is booked in our name and I'm not willing to sleep in the car, it's cold, I'm tired, I'm big and the car is small! But if you have another solution, I'm all ears!” I smiled ironically.
“Unfortunately I still can't ignore this annoying smile of yours, I won't let you sleep in the car, but we are going to the hotel to sleep, I'm not in the mood for conversation and…” but I interrupted her.
“Me neither! Shall we go to the hotel then?” she was surprised by my flat tone, but I didn't want to prolong this discussion, I was really tired.
We went to the hotel in silence, there was no reason for each of us to go with our own car, our things were in another city, in another hotel, we would just sleep and wait for the damn highway to be cleared to leave. Simple.
“Oh, you've got to be kidding me!” I said when I saw that the room had only one large double bed.
“Did you really expect two single beds? Innocent when it comes to our assistants! They are probably laughing at us right now!”
I just snorted in response. The night would be longer than I imagined!
“I'm sure this floor is very comfortable, I'll let you get the covers, it's hot in here anyway!” Cait said, throwing herself on the bed.
“I'm not sleeping on the floor!”
“There's the armchair too, but I don't think it will be very comfortable, as you said before, it's small and you're big!” she said ironically.
“Oh Cait, stop being so fussy, we've slept in the same bed a million times, I don't see any problem!”
“Of course, I forgot that we're separated and you have no desire to have me around!”
“Don't be dramatic! I didn't say anything like that!”
“Oh, am I being dramatic? I'm sorry, I'm sorry for being too sensitive after seeing my ex after our separation 4 months ago! I'm sorry if it is extremely difficult for me to imagine having to spend the whole night with you when it was so hard for me to get used to being without you every day!” she said angrily, but with tears in her eyes.
How could I have been so stupid, I didn't want to say that she was being dramatic, I was just irritated with the situation, this was not what I had planned for tonight, I just wanted to survive the event in her presence, seeing her body, her smile, and now I was with her in the same room as me, meters away and I would have to spend the whole night with her. Did she really think it was easy for me?
“Cait! Do you think it's easy for me too? That I haven't spent all these months missing you? That I didn't spend hours lying awake in bed without you next to me? Sometimes I just wish I could hold you, feel your hair scratching the tip of my nose, your curves fitting perfectly into my body, but when I looked to the side there was nothing! I stood in front of the mirror for half an hour today, angry because I couldn't fix a damn tie without remembering you! I know you blame me for your sadness, after all I was the one who put an end to everything, but don't think for a second that it was or is easy for me!” The words came out of my mouth without control, it had been so many months of wanting her near me again that I couldn't control myself.
I felt her gaze on me, but I couldn't look her in the eyes, I knew she was crying and I couldn't see her like this and do nothing, but I couldn't, I couldn't act on impulse.
“If you missed me so much, why didn't you come to me?” she spoke softly, her voice hoarse.
“You know why…”
“I may know the reason, but what good are we doing to ourselves by being apart? If we miss each other so much, if it was so hard to try to get over something that we clearly didn't get over, why can't we try again?” she said, coming closer to me, and I saw that she was very close, but I still didn't have the strength to look at her.
“Cait... it's not that simple, we... you…” how could I explain without hurting her again?
I saw that she was now glued in front of me, I could see her feet, now bare, almost touching mine. I felt her hand on my face, it was cold, but her touch gave me goosebumps all the same. Slowly she lifted my face to meet her gaze.
“Cait...please...I....” I couldn't form a coherent sentence.
“You what? Sam, please look me in the eye and tell me you don't want me anymore.”
I looked into her eyes and that's when I lost myself completely, her blue eyes staring at me with a mix of sadness and desire, a look I had never seen before, but whatever look it was, I knew it was too late, I knew I couldn't do what she was asking.
“Cait...you know I can't...I want, I need....”
“Need?” she asked running her hand across my face and down my neck, this was wrong, I couldn't, I knew I would regret it, but I couldn't, it was too late to hold on, to go back.
“You!”
And without another word I pulled her by the hair into a kiss that had everything but delicacy, I couldn't be gentle, not after spending days imagining her mouth on mine again, and I knew she felt the same way. I knew I was entering dangerous territory, but I couldn't and wouldn't get out of it. Without losing contact with her mouth, I pushed her to the bed, I felt her hands start to unbutton my shirt, she was out of patience and pulled them all off quickly, causing buttons to fly across the bedroom floor, I laughed at her desperation, but I could affirm that I was the same way, her red dress fell in a matter of seconds on the bedroom floor. How I loved it when she wore almost nothing underneath.
Without wasting any time I pushed her down on the bed, leaving kisses all over her body while I tried to get rid of the only piece of clothing I still had on, my pants. Seeing her lying on the bed, in all her beauty and all to myself was something I never expected to see again and how good it felt. She smiled shyly as she caught me watching her, how could we be shy with each other? Without letting anything get in the way of the moment, I lay on top of her and was finally home again, how could something that seemed so wrong minutes ago, be so right now? Our bodies glued together, skin on skin, in a rhythm that we knew so well and that was perfect! I was happy, I was home, and I just wanted to stay there for the rest of the night.
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
POV Cait
I woke up feeling something weighing on me. I knew I had had too much to drink last night, but it wasn't my head aching, but Sam's arm and legs on my body, he was totally out in a heavy sleep. I couldn't help but smile; indeed what I thought had been only a dream had come true. And even though Sam's heavy body was suffocating me, I didn't want to move, I didn't want the spell to end.
I knew that it wasn't all right, that the issues between us were settled. What had happened the night before had been our weakness to the impending desire of our bodies. But I knew that it wasn't only this, I still loved him and knew that he loved me too, his eyes didn't deceive me and much less his words when he was inside me, Sam was always very intense and true and these were always characteristics that I loved in him, characteristics that ended up causing our separation, he couldn't live in a relationship that had doubts, mistrust, and unfortunately I was the one who brought all of this about.
But what now? What would become of the two of us? I didn't know, I only knew that it was very good to be in his arms again and I decided to make the most of this moment before the enchantment ended. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath inhaling Sam's perfume, I was home, after four long months I could sleep in peace. A few hours later I felt something brushing against my neck. I opened my eyes slowly and saw only Sam's blond curls. He was letting his hair grow again, I loved to see him with longer hair, even now with a few white locks, those curls didn't lose their charm. A bite on my neck brought me back to reality, I couldn't contain the moan that came out of my mouth. This caught his attention, he stopped what he was doing and stared at me.
I opened my mouth to say something, but was interrupted before I could even begin, he put his fingers over my lips and went back to what he was doing. I understood his message, he also didn't want to break the atmosphere of what we were living there, we both knew that words would only bring up feelings that we were not willing to face, at least not at that moment. And if last night had been great, this morning was even better. Our kisses were increasingly full of desire and passion. We were totally surrendered to the moment, how good it felt to feel him in me, his caress, his strength, his desire, all at once. Our breathing was fast and unsteady, but our bodies moved in perfect synchrony, as it had always been, since the first time I knew it was different with him.
I lay on his chest, listening to his breathing return to normal as he stroked my hair. I knew that even though the silence between us was comfortable, we could not continue to ignore what had happened, or actually, what was happening.
“Sam...I…”
“Cait, please, let's enjoy this moment, I want to think that we are in a bubble and the real world doesn't exist, or at least, it doesn't reach us, at least not now, let me love you some more…” he spoke with a sad and pleading look.
I knew that our situation was delicate, but there was something there, in the look he gave me, that was bigger than our relationship, or the lack of it. I always had trouble controlling what I said, I knew that the filter from my brain to my mouth was a little faulty, I always said too much. Other times I thought and analyzed things to the extreme, failing to enjoy the moment. Yes, I was like that, intense, and many people didn't understand me, except the one next to me who was begging me to stop being so rational and enjoy the moment. I didn't want to ruin everything again because of my intense feelings, so I decided to ignore my brain and let my heart enjoy everything that Sam was offering me.
We stayed there hugging, remembering our bodies together, the details of each other, which I knew had not been forgotten, but were nice to be remembered. We loved each other once again, this time slowly, savoring every detail, every moment, as if it were unique. Sam's intensity scared me, his pleading was still in my head, was he saying goodbye to me? With this realization, tears were forming in my eyes and as hard as I tried to hide them, I couldn't.
“Cait, hey, what's wrong? Did I hurt you?” Sam stopped what he was doing and looked at me worriedly.
“No, of course not... I was just thinking…” I couldn't complete it, would I really express what I was feeling?
“What? Cait, when I asked you to enjoy the moment, I didn't mean to cause you sadness, I'm sorry, I just thought you wanted the same thing, I…”
“No Sam, it's not that, of course I want to enjoy the moment, but... forget it!” I said trying to pull him back to me, but he pulled back again, continuing to stare at me seriously.
“But?”
“But I can't ignore the way you asked me, you are saying goodbye to me, is that it?” I said, lowering my head, why couldn't I face him?
“Cait...no, it's not that, I mean, ah, that's why I didn't want this conversation, it would only cause us unpleasant memories, I wanted to at least think that everything was okay, at least for now…”
“And it isn't? Sam, you want me, I want you, we can't live apart, from what I noticed, we failed miserably in this and even our assistants noticed!”
“It's not that simple…”
“You can't forgive me, can you?”
“You know I forgave you a long time ago, but you hurt me, you suspected my feelings for you!”
“I know, and I was stupid for it, for believing that girl! But you know that I wasn't the only one to blame, she managed to manipulate both of us and…”
“Cait, please, I don't want to go back to this argument! Regardless of what Hailee did, if you trusted me, none of this would have happened! I kept saying that I never felt anything for her or did anything against our relationship, but you kept going…”
At this point we were both sitting on opposite sides of the bed, how could everything change in minutes? It seemed as if we had gone back in time, to the day we said goodbye four months ago, to the day we exchanged one last hug. The day I received the saddest and most disappointed look. How could I forget when I was seeing it all again now? I couldn't let it happen again, the distance between us, not now, not after the wonderful night and morning we spent together.
I walked around the bed and sat down on the floor in front of him, forcing him to look at me.
“Sam, please, I know we can try again, you can't ignore the night we had, and this morning too, you can't ignore what you felt when you were with your body next to mine, I know you felt the same way I did! And you know I've never been one to beg for anything, I'm not like that, but I can't accept that this is our fate…”
He just looked at me, I saw that his eyes were red, that he was holding back tears. I ran my hand over his face, I felt his breathing become faster, his face began to follow my movement, wanting to make the most of my affection.
“Cait…” he whispered.
We were back in our bubble, enjoying each other's affection, but unfortunately the enchantment was short-lived. The ringing of Sam's cell phone interrupted our moment, and in a startled jump, he got up to answer it. It was Marina, he didn't say much, just nodded while looking at me sitting on the bed, he seemed totally oblivious to what was being said in the call. A few minutes later he hung up.
“What did she want?” I asked, even though I knew he didn't owe me any explanation, but I was curious, because his face had changed.
“To tell me that the road is clear and I can go back to Salt Lake City, I have already changed my return ticket, I'm leaving at 3 PM” he answered seriously.
“But that's in less than four hours!”
“That's why my driver is already waiting for me!”
I saw that he was getting his clothes and starting to get dressed.
“So that's it? You're going to get your things and leave?”
“Cait... I can't stay, I have to…”
“Have to what? Go back to your single life?” I knew I was being unfair, but I was angry, how could he leave like that?
“No, my single life is the least important thing right now!” he answered in the same tone.
“Are we really going to do this? Yell at each other and walk away? Ignore everything that happened?”
“No” he shouted again. “Cait, it's not that simple.” he said more calmly. “It's not what I want, but I can't…”
“Why not? Because of your stupid pride? So I'll make it easy for you, this time I'm the one who's going to go and leave you here!” I said, grabbing my dress and quickly putting it on.
“It's not my pride, you know I have no problem admitting I was wrong!”
“Then what is it? What's stopping you from loving me? You asked me to let you love me, but you don't want to be loved back! Why, is that so bad?” At this point I couldn't control my tears or my voice.
He looked at me with those sad eyes again, but made no sound. I took a deep breath and went to the door, I wasn't going to humiliate myself, I wasn't going to beg for his love, I wasn't like that! When I had my hand on the doorknob, I heard something like a whisper.
“Because I am sick.”
And with these few words, my world came crashing down.
Just say you love me, just for today
And don't give me time 'cause that's not the same
Want to feel burning flames when you say my name
Want to feel passion flow into my bones
Like blood through my veins
Notes:
Sooo sorry for the cliffhanger. And just one advice, fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy ride! 🙈😘
He was staring at me and I couldn't look away. I knew that we were giving the photographers on duty a treat, I had always been worried about what they might think of our relationship, but at that moment I didn't care about anything else, I just wanted to see him, how I had missed those blue eyes staring at me from top to bottom, as if he would undress me in a minute. Only the smile that always accompanied the look wasn't there and all the charm of the moment was gone in a second. The reality of our encounter hit and probably my look showed everything, for I sensed an apprehension on his part.
But still he came closer to me and when I least expected it, he put his hand around my waist and whispered in my ear “Let's make those photographers a little happier....”
A shiver ran through my body, his voice, his breathing so close, his hand on my waist, this was too much for me, I wasn't the least bit worried about the happiness of the bloody photographers. I tried to walk away, but Sam's hand tightened even more around my waist.
“Don't do that Cait…” he spoke with a forced smile on his face. - Smile and pretend you're a little happy to see me.
“I don't have to pretend anything to them...or to you!” and with one last smile, I turned away from him and continued walking toward the entrance of the ballroom.
How did he want me to pretend something that even he couldn't? I knew that this reunion would be difficult, but it was much worse than I imagined. Who was I kidding? I missed him every day and what I wanted most was his hand on my waist again, whispering words in my ear, and that smile I liked so much, just for me, but I knew that it was impossible, even though he was sad, and I knew it by the look in his eyes, I also knew that the cause of all this was my silly jealousy, that got in the way of all the good things we had, I let someone else get in the way of our relationship and do devastating damage. And what's worse, I knew that Sam was absolutely right, she had done it all on purpose, just for the pleasure of seeing the two of us break up.
But now I was at a work event, I was there to support a friend and I couldn't let my personal life get in the way, I had to put my feelings for Sam aside and get on with the night. Of course, this was the right thing to do, but I couldn't control my heart and the only solution I found was to drown myself in the glasses of sparkling wine that were being served at dinner. A few hours later I was so numb from any feeling that I didn't even notice Sam approaching from where I was sitting.
POV Sam
During most of the night I was watching Cait. I couldn't help it and I don't even think I wanted to, she was a force pulling me in and there was nothing that could keep us from being attracted to each other. She looked wonderful in that long red dress that showed all her curves, but also showed how she had lost weight in our months apart, maybe other people hadn't noticed, but I knew every inch of that body and could tell when something was different.
I also noticed that she was pouring one glass of sparkling wine after another, and I knew that this was not going to do any good. I wondered if I should do something about it, I didn't want her to do something she would regret later, and I might have been overbearing, but I knew I was the cause of her insistence on drinking. Who was I kidding? If I could I would be a great companion to the bottle of whisky. I knew that I was the one who had ended it all, I was the one who had put an end to our relationship, but why was it so hard to move on? That answer was easy, it was on the tip of my tongue, because I didn't want to, I didn't want to move on, I didn't want a life without her. But where there's a will, there's no way, unfortunately.
The next thing I knew I was walking towards her and our eyes met, now there was no turning back, but what did I want to do? Or say? But I didn't need to worry about that, she soon spoke up when I approached.
“I already know what you're doing here, and yes, I'm fine and no, I didn't drink too much. Even if I did, you have nothing to worry about, I won't embarrass you, we're not together anymore!” she said the words a little slurred, I knew she was already tipsy, even though she wanted to prove otherwise.
“Being honest, I don't know why I came here, probably force of habit...but Cait, you know you're not well, don't you think it's better to avoid a hangover tomorrow?”
“No! Tomorrow I have all the way to the airport to sleep! But why do you care?”
“You know why…”
“No, I don't know, I thought you didn't care about me anymore, after all we don't have anything else…” she said looking at the floor, for a minute I thought she wasn't really drunk.
“Even though we are no longer together, you know I could never ignore you.”
“You've done that very well in the last few months!”
“Cait...I...don't you think this separation is hard for me too? But I don't think we should discuss it now.”
“And when will we? In another four months when we meet at another event?”
“I think we'd better go, I know your driver must be with mine, come on, I'll take you there.” I said holding out my hand to her.
All I didn't want to do was start arguing about our relationship, or in this case, the lack of it, I still didn't know why I went to her, it must have really been just force of habit, there was no way I couldn't care about her well being, I just wanted to see her happy. But she wasn't happy, and she was even less happy with my approach, why did I always have to talk too much?
“I'm leaving because I've done what I had to do here today, and Sam, you don't have to try so hard to be nice to me, I know you're not happy.” she said, getting up from her chair.
“But you don't know the real reason.” I said quietly, not sure if she had heard me, she was already walking ahead of me, towards the exit.
When we got to the door of the ballroom, all the drivers were standing there, no one was leaving, and we couldn't understand why:
“I'm sorry sir, the blizzard ended up closing the roads, unfortunately no one will leave town tonight.”
“But we are staying in Salt Lake City! Where are we supposed to go?” I asked, taking my cell phone out of my pocket, where was Marina when I needed her?
Cait was doing the same as me, probably trying to talk to Lauren. Soon I managed to talk to Marina who explained the situation, she had left earlier and was already safe in our hotel, but the roads were closed and she was trying to find a hotel in town that still had a room available. Because of the festival, the town was crowded and since it was small, it didn't have many options for accommodation, at least not an available one.
“Lauren says that there is a hotel nearby with an available room, I'll check it out. Have you already arranged a place to stay?” Cait asked me.
It took me a while to assimilate her question, was she really worried about me?
“Marina's trying to…” I answered, still stunned.
I barely said it and my cell phone rang again.
“I've found a solution for the accommodation problem, but you won't like it…” Marina said.
I always thought it was important to support all the people who are entering the movie industry, a place so difficult to achieve success, so when I heard that a good friend of mine was attending the Sundance Film Festival as a director of an independent production I quickly agreed to attend to honor him, but I should have known that Sam would be there too, after all Mark was a friend of ours. I knew I was being foolish, I was there to support my friend and I shouldn't have to worry about Sam or our meeting, but how could I ignore his presence and what it was causing me? I hadn't seen him for over months and as much as my pride told me not to care, I couldn't, I missed him and I missed him a lot. In fact I didn't even know how I had managed to deal with my life in these last months, for me it was all a great emptiness, I lived day after day on autopilot.
The festival as always was in Park City, Utah, famous for its ski resorts, and of course, for the festival. It was January and the cold took over, as did the snow. As I was trying to put my nervousness in place, we arrived at the dinner's red carpet that was being held to raise money for new projects and before I got out, I took a deep breath and looked one last time at Lauren who gave me a smile and babbled, "You can do it." The photographers were all paying attention and soon the requests for pictures and smiles began. As nervous as I was, I managed to relax a bit and even feel comfortable enough to talk to some journalists who were anxiously waiting on the other side of the carpet.
But of course with perfect timing, before I went towards them, I saw another car arriving and I already knew who it was without him even needing to appear. I tried to hurry, but the long and tight dress prevented me from being so fast, and to avoid making a fool of myself in front of a thousand photographers, I preferred to walk normally and look in the opposite direction. But naturally I was not victorious in my plan, I soon heard people calling his name and I couldn't resist, I looked in the direction of the requests and saw him. As always he looked marvelous, there was no way he couldn't, he was wearing a suit that fit his body perfectly, I noticed that he wasn't wearing a tie, of course, he doesn't know how to fix it right, I've always done that for him. For a second I was happy to notice that he hadn't found someone else to do this for him. But the happiness ended when I saw his face, it was still perfect, of course, but that look I knew very well, unfortunately it was the last look I received when he left our house.
6 months earlier
“Go on Cait, I'm waiting for an explanation as to why you deleted those messages from my cell phone! Actually I want to know why you've been digging through my phone in the first place! You have never done that! Not that I hide anything from you, but we always talk about preserving our privacy, both individually and as a couple, and after six years you decide to do this? I can't understand it!” he said with an incredulous look on his face.
“I didn't dig through your cell phone! You forgot it in our office and the messages kept coming and that beeping was driving me crazy, I couldn't work! I just picked it up to put it on silent…”
“Oh, and magically the messages were deleted in the process? You could have given me the phone and your problems would be over!” he said, already nervous, cutting me off.
“Sam! Do you really want to know why the messages were deleted or not?” he just looked at me without saying anything and I continued “When I went to put it on silent, another message arrived and it was inevitable not to read who it was from... and when I saw Hailee I couldn't resist... ah Sam, don't look at me like that, you know I don't like her!”
“You should know that even though we have worked together, I don't care about her either, but why delete the messages? It was work! She wasn't inviting me to something indecent! And even if she was, I had every right to know!”
“I know, it's just that when I saw that she called you Sammy I felt something I've never felt before, and all I could remember was that damn scene from the movie, the two of you together, so...so…” I couldn't complete the sentence, I couldn't put into words what I felt.
“So real?” he said, crossing his arms in front of me. “But you know it wasn't and isn't!”
“But it seemed so! And only a blind man, or you in this case, doesn't see that she does everything she can to be close to you and exclude me in the process.”
“You think I don't know? My God, Cait! How many times have we been through this? You have always laughed at women like Hailee, just as I have at the actors who have starred with you! Of course, George Clooney doesn't even compare to Hailee, but still, we know each other better than anyone else, we trust each other... at least that's what I thought…”
“Of course I trust you! But…” no, I wasn't going to say anything else, I trusted Sam, didn't I?
“But what? Tell me, Cait! Because I'm here trying to understand what you saw so clearly in a simple message that you had to lie to me!”
“But we started like this…” I said quietly, I couldn't face him.
“What? No, you're not saying that! So you think that because we had hot sex scenes, we had to be in a relationship? And because I did these scenes with Hailee then I was having something with her too? Cait! Do you think I'm a perverted teenager who can't hold himself in his pants? What made me fall in love with you was not our sex scenes and you know it! The scenes were just a consequence of how we felt about each other! I can't believe that after all this time you are throwing this in my face!”
“No, Sam, that's not what I…”
“What was it then, Cait? Because I can't understand it any other way!” he practically shouted, interrupting me.
“Please Sam, don't do this, I don't know why I said what I said, I don't know what made me delete those messages and not tell you, I've never been jealous like this, I'm so confused, but I know that you fell in love with me not only because of the chemistry we had together, I know because it was the same things that made me fall in love with you! I just ask you to forgive me for what I did, I know that I invaded your privacy and lied to you...can you forgive me?” I wanted more than ever to feel his arms around me, I wanted his reassurance that everything was okay.
He looked at me for a moment before hugging me.
“It's going to be okay..."
But it wouldn't be. I should have paid more attention when his words were not "I forgive you.
POV Sam
For me this red carpet was the longest ever. As shy as I am, I never minded posing for photographers or giving interviews, this is my job, a way to give back for my recognition. But tonight was not a good day for pictures and smiles, not when the first thing I saw when I got out of the car was her, staring at me with her blue eyes that carried the same pain as mine. Yes, she was suffering, I knew it, and I knew I was the cause, but she had also caused me pain, and not a little.
4 months earlier
“Baby, are you sure you don't want to go?” I asked her one more time.
“Sam, as much as I enjoy watching rugby with you, I don't want to have to spend several hours with a bunch of drunk men who still cheer for my rival team! I don't think that would be good for me or for you!” she laughed.
“You are right! But will you be alone on our day off?”
“No way! Lauren has already organized a girls' day out! We're going to her apartment to drink lots of wine and talk badly about you guys!” she said, showing her tongue and coming to hug me.
“Lucky for me you won't have much to talk about then!”
“Always full of yourself, Heughan!”
“Of course! So, are you sure it's okay for me to spend the whole day off away from you?”
“I already told you it's okay! If you ask me one more time, I'll think there's something wrong with this rugby watching meeting!”
“What could be wrong? I just want to make sure that I'm not breaking our agreement to spend our day off together!” I said more seriously, I had to be sure that she wouldn't think anything was wrong.
“You're free to go! You can relax!” she kissed me before I left.
I went to watch the game at the usual bar, a small and quiet place that we knew there would be no one from the press there to disturb us. It was the same group as always, the same group that had come to LA from Scotland and missed the good old rugby. Cait used to go with me, but today she preferred to stay out, especially since it was a game against Ireland, it really wouldn't be the most pleasant atmosphere for her.
It was almost the end of the game and we had already drunk a lot of beer and whisky, this was the day I had to blow off steam, but I wasn't drunk, I might have been a little tipsy, but I knew very well what was going on around me and it didn't take long for me to identify a voice close to me.
“Sammy! Who thought I would find you here!”
Of course, Hailee was in the bar that was the last place I would ever imagine seeing her. I hadn't seen her since the day of the fateful party, I didn't like to remember the argument I had with Cait afterwards, it was still in my mind as if it were yesterday.
“Hailee! I really didn't expect to see you in this bar!”
“I come here all the time, I know the owner!”
Of course she did, funny that I came almost every week to watch the game and had never seen her before! I was thankful that Cait hadn't come, I couldn't even imagine what would come out of this meeting, even more after Cait had drunk her shots of whisky.
“Very nice to see you here, I apologize if I'm being rude, but I'm going to turn my attention to the game, it's almost over and I can't lose!” I said trying to be as polite as possible.
“Oh sure! I don't understand anything about this and I don't want to get in the way! It was great to see you Sammy!” and kissed me on the cheek.
When she did this, I was sure I heard a click, but my friends didn't let me pay attention to it and pulled me away to watch the game. I saw Hailee walk away smiling and ignored her, I wasn't going to waste my time with her. We ended up extending the game day a little more and I ended up getting home later than I had intended, but I had sent a message to Cait who had told me that she was already home and would sleep.
When I entered, I noticed that the light in our bedroom was on, and I was surprised; she said she was going to sleep, so she decided to wait for me. I smiled and ran to meet her, but when I entered the room, the scene was not what I imagined. Cait was sitting on the bed, with her cell phone in her hand and her eyes in a shade of blue that I already knew what it meant, she was angry, and very angry.
“Now I know why you insisted so much in asking me not to go with you!” she practically screamed.
“Why? I don't understand.”
“Are you sure, Sammy?” she made sure to say my name the same way Hailee did and then I knew what the problem was.
“How did you know she was there?”
“Oh, so I wasn't supposed to know, right?”
“I don't care if you know or not, but how?”
“The picture of you two kissing is everywhere, it would be hard for me not to see it!” she said, throwing me the cell phone.
“What? Kissing? That's impossible!” I picked up the cell phone and saw the picture.
It had been taken when she was saying goodbye, it was just a kiss on the cheek, but the picture was taken from an angle that looked like it was on the mouth, great! All I needed now!
“Cait, I met her there by chance, actually she found me! I had no idea she knew the place and I didn't kiss her, she just said goodbye and gave me a kiss on the cheek, but of course some photographer took advantage of the angle of the photo and they are using it to say there is something more, but there isn't! I said that day that I don't give a damn about her, I never would, I'm with you and I love you, you know that!” I said irritated, haven't we already gone over this? Apparently not!
“So you expect me to believe that she found the bar that almost no one knows about here in Hollywood, and coincidentally on the same day that you are there, and even more coincidentally that a photographer was there to take this picture at the exact moment that she said goodbye to you, without intending to?”
“Yes! I mean, no! Oh, I know how it looks, and if I know Hailee a little bit, she probably found out that I was going to be there, somehow, and dragged a photographer along to do this on purpose, she knows that you are jealous, the same way she knows that I am with you and would never have anything with her, so like a crazy woman she had the brilliant idea to provoke you, causing a fight between us and then have a chance with me!”
“So I'm supposed to believe that it was all her crazy plan and that you were just a victim?”
“Yes! Cait! You know me, I told you that day and I'll tell you again today, this situation has happened to other women and you never cared, Hailee is like any other, I don't care, you know I only have eyes for you! I am getting tired of after almost a decade together, I have to prove that I love you and I would never do anything against you, much less in such a public way! I am not like that and you know it! If you don't believe me, then I guess we're not on the same page in this relationship.” I said throwing her cell phone on the bed and crossing my arms, I was tired, but more than that I was feeling betrayed, how could she suspect me like that? I never gave any reason, not in the beginning of our relationship and much less now!
“Sam, I…” she spoke with her hands on her face, I knew her better than anyone, I knew that she was confused and hurt, but she wasn't the only one.
“After all, do you believe me? Because I think that at this point in our relationship I don't have to prove any more of my love for you, you know that if it were up to me we would have been married already, you were the one who asked me to wait.”
“I believe you, but it is hard, seeing this picture, remembering what I have seen her doing with you before and you not wanting my company today…”
“I didn't want your company today? Are you sure about what you're saying Cait? My God! I insisted several times and YOU said it would be okay for me to go alone, that you would stay with your friends! How am I now the villain of this story? And Hailee never did anything to me! You are seeing things where there are none! I've had enough of this! I've been drinking all day and I don't feel like spending all night in this senseless fight! That's enough! I'm going to sleep in the other room!”
I tried not to look at her, I knew I couldn't stand her sad eyes, but I couldn't stay there, I was angry, hurt and a little drunk, nothing good would come of it.
And nothing good did come of it. Now months later we were in the same place, facing each other. We stared at each other, even though we heard several clicks and flashes, I didn't care, there was nothing else around me but her, would I survive that night without doing anything stupid?
Sam and Cait had a steady relationship. But will the union that began behind the scenes of Outlander endure the developments of their careers after the show?
I'm back with a different story now. I wrote it some time ago and it was the last Sam & Cait fic I wrote. You can see that my preference is Jamie & Claire. But this story was and is very special to me, I think its plot is different from anything I've ever read and written, so I decided to share it with you. I hope you enjoy it and give it a try. ❤😘 As I have spoken before, English is not my mother tongue, so I apologize for any mistakes that come up. ❤❤
TUMBLR MASTERLIST:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Epilogue
AO3
Writer and Dreamer ❤️ @paulafnds - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
