people are weird. & everyone is different. @paw-eid - Tumblr Blog

Working. Hardily. Working.

I know there are people that are really looking for jobs in Denver and that i am one of those; or rather, was. I have been looking for weeks and months. Finally recently i have been added to an incredible media team for a real estate agency. I am still learning what it is like to be a professional in this realm but i am so incredibly excited about the opportunity but to grow with this company.

Well, today i want to recognize a mistake i made. I thought i could find a job in my field after three months of search. Turns out, i could not find a job in the field of my major. I finally found one but i feel like it may be an exception to the rule. I am so glad to be here working in my field. I wish i had saved more before moving so i was not in such a tight spot when moving here. I am still feeling the repercussions of this even now when i am here in my job, waiting for my first check. I wish i was a better forward thinking person. I am so glad there are people that can do that and i hope very much to be able to partner with such a person in the future. Shoot. Well, spilled milk, eh? Now i will know better not to move my elbows when milk is so nearby.

Im weird. Youre weird. People are weird and everyone is different.

-TL

Dear Every-People, So, for a while now i have been considering loneliness. Not specifically in my romantic life and when i am here at a coffee shop sitting at a table alone. The loneliness that specifically refers to the soul. I am not exactly sure how to describe it. I know people talk about extroverted and introverted. Yeah those match people just fine. Here and there, i come to think that i fit the extrovert almost to a 'T.' (I will immediately go after writing this and find out where THAT colloquialism came from especially because of my own name.) I am never sure why some people feel the need to not fit into either category. I assume whenever someone says, "oh im both," more things about the person than if they had placed themselves into one of the places. I know that there is a difference and that people can be one and not the other but i hesitate to believe that they can be both. Also, i must have the caveat that i do not attach my assumptions to that person that makes the luke-warm statement. everyone is different and people are weird. The loneliness comes when i have been aways from people too long. Pets seem to quell the swell of feeling that overcome me when i am in such a state but not often does the ache go away until i am united with another being in word or deed. Yes, thats me. I understand people need to be alone every once and a while but i do know now that solitary confinement is a torture made for extroverts. I am more filled here with people milling about me and not even engaging with me but reminding me that there is life besides my selfishness. I also believe introverts are mentally more stable people and i envy that stability. Also, i do consider romantic loneliness but that is besides the point today.

Sincerely yours,

So i met a girl. She was beautiful and fun and intelligent and quite the catch with new york in her veins and mischievous smile pointing her lips. i thought i liked her very much and we had a good time getting to know each other. i am unsure how to feel when i say that we shared quite the intense kiss. so splendid and i wished for nothing more. A week or so after i met the catch i met another girl. this girl was spunky and spry and quite the enthusiast. her and i would laugh and smile and talk and while watching a movie i asked if she was a cuddler to which she replied, “finally!” and so we held together. as assumed, we shared a kiss but this was not the kind of kiss that i had expected. this kiss was something of a mystery to me. it left me wanting more and it left a smile on my face. it gave me a goofy, warm feeling in my stomach and a flutter in my heart. this was a kiss. and i had hoped for more. days later a found that i had not been in the thoughts and desires of the cuddler but i was still in the new yorkers mind. unforunately for me i knew that i had not been thinking about the new york catch as much as i had been re-running the kiss with the spunky one. After pursuing the spunky one a bit longer i came to the conclusion that she did not feel the same way about me. I also discovered that i did not feel for the Catch as she felt about me. While i was thinking about the kiss of one girl, the other was thinking about me. I am sad neither of those relationship was able to blossom any further but with out one, i would not understand the other so well. I hope this does not make me seem too creepy. I am not one to be amazingly tactful when it comes to my emotions but i am quite good at understanding others. I respect these women enough for me not to name them and believe me, there was a lot of pain and confusion stroking my mind as these things came to pass but i learned and now i know that someday ill meet someone that is thinking about me as much as i am thinking about her. Thats a thing worth looking forward to.

#throwbackthirsday #this was not recently #minnesota days #bumbling #dating

You Cannot Even Imagine

So, I just moved. Yeah, it has been a time. I would call it a good time because I am an extrovert and I love new things, places and people. I am ecstatic to explore the city and meet people and do things that I have never done before. Yes, you may say that you love people and new things but are still not excited for your move. That is fair. Not everyone is the same and people can differ. I do believe that a community is important for everyone though. I can only encourage you to explore for a good month to make the best of your experience, yes, even you you dear introvert. You may make friends that could be the best people you have ever met. I am a little wary to make friends when I am not sure how long I will be able to keep them. I move on to places and new spaces so much that I am never completely sure who will stay who will go from my life. That small voice in my ear telling me it might not be worth it would be silenced quickly when I agree to things like being invited to a bloc party and go to an adorable amusement park, which was terrifying by the way.

New things are scary and I am never sure what will be helpful or hurtful. That thrifting trip with that new friend was fun but I spent a lot of gas money that I should have been saving. Meh. Live and learn. I guess I won't be able to get that footlong and I will stick with the 6-inch sub. My bad. So there are ups and downs but risk is important when exploring new places. "Oh ok, the risk speech again, huh?" you might be saying. Yes, that is something I am working on and I encourage you to do too. There; and we are done with that fatherly life lesson with Tim.

Transition can be so strange for people. Yes, it is weird. Yes, it is new. Yes, it can be terrifying to be applying and not hearing back for weeks. Be excited. There are so many opportunities that could find you. Please, Please, Please, do not focus on where you came from and what you are missing out on. If you feel too down, text your friends and keep contact with those you would be so pained to loose. Keep investing in those friends. Do not loose contact with them. It is hard to talk about stuff happing where you were just spending so much of your time and energy. Keep messaging, snapping, creeping and calling your friends that have the time and ability to stay connected.

There is another side to moving that is so hard but happens and I know you can live after such happenstance. Moving on from some friendships. This happens. I can not tell you it is a bad or good thing. Some friendships hold you back from doing or being the person you have always wanted to be and you can now blossoming. That can be a great reason for losing connection with someone. There is always the flip side that says you may have been better equipped to adventure, socialize or even just be as a person. Do not let that hold you back. Move forward. Move towards what you want to do with your life. Be who you were made to be. Explore yourself. Maybe you will be the person someone has been looking for in a friend.

Moving forward does not mean forgetting the past. Cherish it. Relish it. I would urge you not to get lost in it. When you start thinking of old memories that you had with friends and it starts to consume your heart with sadness. Blink. Blink again. Take a deep breath, and look around at the place you are now. Does it look good to you. No? Then make it what you want it to be. Chase the happiness you want and maybe you will find it, or maybe you will find something better you could not even imagine. Imagine all the things you cannot even imagine. LOL. Good luck. ;) That will keep you busy.

So here it is. The reasons for this mumbo-jumo-- Move on and enjoy your new place. You can. I believe in you. If you REALLY feel like you cant enjoy the place around you, then focus on your self. Are you as fit as you want to me? Are you as skilled as you want to be? Are you as read as you want to be? Do you like food and can you make your favorite food? Those are things you can do to grow yourself. So get out there and explore places, spaces and yourself. You will experience all the things your could have never even thought of! Thanks for letting my pep-talk myself and I hope you got something from it! :) -T

a. in love (with): enamoured (of), filled with love (for); (in extended use) very fond (of), much addicted (to).

b. to fall (also †be taken, caught) in love: to become enamoured; (in extended use) to become passionately attached to, dote on. Freq. with with. Also in early use †to yfall (also be brought) into love's dance.

(Oxford English Dictionary Online)

I have a Challenge for you dear reader. Use one of these definitions of the word instead of using the phrase. I believe it will clear up confusion as to the exact definition of love as it pertains to the conversation betwixt two people aspiring to convey their true feelings for each other. The English language is so extensive. Why say, “I love you,” when you can say, “ I cannot wait to see you again because this time i have spent with you had filled my heart to the brim and any more time with you would have these emotions of intense desire and joy spill into my everyday life making me smile at anyone and everyone with the secret of the devotion that we share,” or “ The curve at the end of your lip presents an insatiable desire in my soul to dig deeper into your life to find out the things that will make that curve of happiness grow and spread from your face and infect my face with more of the same,” or even “The traits you possess make me want to be the kind of man to deserve your affection.”

You may say, “But Tim, i dont have those same words for my feelings!” To which i will say, Find them. They exist. You just need to look farther than the words you know now and put more words together until you can look a them and find the exact word you feel. Maybe even look up a word you want to use but are not sure if thats the right word. It might just be the exact word you need.

Maybe the word people need to use is the word ‘enamored’ which is:

“Full of the passion of love;” (OED)

This is to mean that it is not specifically love but definitely filled with the passions of love. To love requires some form of passion and that passion i believe does not exactly infer that love is present but with love is inferred an amount of passion that can exist outside of love itself. Much like a rocketship, a car having a rocket propulsions system does not make the car suddenly a rocketship because it would not be sustained as a spaceship; and yes the ‘rocketship’ definition does include the need for a spaceship and rockets in tandem. (OED)

So, use the rocket for sure but make sure you are in a spaceship first and not a car. Cars usually get crushed when put under intense atmospheric density. How do you find out what your vehicle is made of? Study it, and have the right language to know what endures and what wont.

#not a scientist #inlove #onlove #forlove #throughlove

Going out and about i have met many people but a question i have gotten regardless of the people around, has been, “ Are you judging me?” and this question has become such a difficult one for me to answer. This is mostly because i find trouble with the word “judge” when used in this context.

Wolfram Alpha defines ‘judge,’ the verb, as:

And The Oxford English Dictonary defines it as:

“I. To form or pronounce an opinion.”

When presented with the question about if i am judging someone or somethings, i am stumped because when i feel largely that people are looking to see what my evaluation of the themselves had produced. They often ask with a tone that attributes my final conclusion to a negative or unpleasant idea or feeling. There is a stigma that has come from the word ‘judge’ and such stigma impacts many readers to feel negatively.

I have not come to many conclusions where i could say that i have judged someone or somethings as conclusively good or bad. using my understandings. i do not think i can know completely if something or someone is completely bad.

Take a knife for example. So often it is thought of as a menacing object. This menacing object can be used to bring life or death. When strapped into a sinking car, a knife can free the strapped person so they can stay alive. While this is an aspect of a knife, there is always the flip side of a knife that can be used to stab a human and take the life from that human. Ascribing the knife as bad or good is an irrelevant conclusion. The intent of the knife is less ambiguous. But even the end of a life, can it be said that an unceasingly suffering persons death is completely bad when that person is freed of being tied to their pain? We ,the living, mostly ascribe to the position that life should be preserved.

When someone asks me if i am judging them i think what they are really asking is, “What do you think of the things that i have presented to you.”

Relation

I'm not sure where it came from and I'll probably actually put some sort of source at the end of this to describe how exactly we decided that "relationship" has such deep romantic undertones.

When referenced, people are very quick to think and talk about a romantically inclined or declined relationship. This has be befuddled to an extend. Even about my own psyche.

There has been so much said and discussed in terms of verbiage in dating. Saying "I'm in a relationship with him/her," the heater knows mostly that there is a relationship between the people referenced clearly but more than often it is inferred that those two people are romantically interested in each other and are spending intimate time together.

I vote we be more specific with our language but not only with speaking but that we also, hear more exactly. While I understand that you are taking time to spend to get to know another human consciousness, I also understand that you are attracted to such a person in another level that transcends acquaintance.

Relationships are of all kinds. I am in a relationship with Nic/Nick at Analace the coffee shop. I am not dating him and neither am I romantically attracted to him. I do though interact and chat with him on a fairly regular basis. We have a relate to each other and in Nicks case, I am a customer. A customer-employee relationship may be shallow or deep but it is still a connection that happens and brings two people into a more knowledgeable contact with each other.

Everyone is different.

People are weird.

We are all in relationships.

Manipulation

I have many thoughts on the subject as it comes to manipulation but in this post i will mostly be talking about physical manipulation.

This had been a constant thought on my mind as of late due to the change in my physical appearance. I have recently chopped off the dreads that so recently made my image almost an icon for me. This was my determining asset. People would define me as “Tim, the guy who has dreads” or so i have heard. Now that i don’t have the dread i only can imagine it had turned into, “Tim, the guy who used to have dreads” This has been a very interesting identity shift. While i am so glad to not have the weight, i think there are a few things that i will miss about them. As i was so graciously informed by the movie 17 Again, my dreads served as a “peacock”. For those unaware, it served as 1. an attention getter, and 2. icebreaker. Those two things led me to creating conversation easily and quickly with whomever i met. This was so great for my extraversion. I was so glad people felt free enough to talk to me openly by commenting on or complimenting them. Without them, i feel like there is less to break the ice and now i have to work on other things to help embark the friendship other than the life choice of dreads.

This has been an interesting journey for me. It took me also a couple days to get used to my own appearance in the mirror. I thought i was looking at another version of someone like me. There was a moment where i realized i did not recognize my own shadow and in a Peter Pan-like moment i did the hand up/hand down mime. The more i looked and the more i felt my own hair i became more used to it and now i have come to the realization about my life. Dreads aren’t me. And i do not mean that in a “I AM MORE THAN A GUY WITH DREADS; SEE ME!”-kinda way but more like, “That doesn’t seem right...”-kinda way. I don’t do things that people would commonly assume dreaded people do or like. (Assumption shall be another post for another day) Reggae. Bob Marley. Rasafarianism. Weed. Lazyness. I have even had at least one friends’ parents worried that their child is spending time with me. This close friend knows me better than most but even after meeting his parents with dreads, the parents demeanor changed after meeting me without dreads. It is not something i can change. i am still, obviously, the same person i was with dreads. But hopefully they will come to realize that they may have judged me too quickly.

Well after saying i am the same person i was before the lopping off of dreads, i realize i am somewhat different. This difference though is something that i feel was a part of me that i was hiding and suppressing while i had dreads. I am not sure why or how it happened but i am sure that i am seeing it better now. For one, my clothing style has not changed one iota, but people are more complementary on my clothing. This has been comforting in a way. Now i know that my style has been obscured by my dreads but now i am able to have my clothing be highlighted in my appearance now. i often take pride in how i dress myself and now that effort is being noticed more. I am sad that my dreads took from that effort but i am glad they were often complimented on.

So dreadless now. It better or worse? hard to say. so i wont. i will say though am glad for what it is now.

#dreadless #me #lifeafterdreads #stream of consciousness

Naked

I was driving today and i was thinking about shame. This thought was due to a train of thought that started with my wondering about the car behind me. it was a range rover and it reminded me of a bare-legged couple in a range rover i had seen on tumblr which, reminded me of a podcast about a couple who lived in a flat together. the couple had so much love for each other and would constantly be walking around their house naked. this is strange to me because i know that if i was in a similar situation i would not want to be naked that much. even if i was alone, i would need to be wearing something. this wondering has had me thinking about my own body. i know that i am ok with my body but even thinking about looking at myself naked gives me a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I am not sure where this feeling is from because i constantly am looking at my body and scrutinizing it. i try to make myself more ok with the way that i am but also striving to be the best me/tree i was made to be (keep calm, i do not actually believe myself to be a tree but it was a reference to a story, everyone should read, that my mother reads). i am trying my best to be all that i can be but i am caught in the limbo between being presumptuous and being humble.

So– naked. i do believe there are different feelings of nakedness; and in this 90-100 degree weather, i know of a couple pieces of clothing i wish i could be without. the nakedness that i also am feeling is how attached i am to the way that i present myself to others. this largely has to do with the dreads i have. i am hopeful that i will not change too much when i cut them off but i am not sure that i will change personally. you did read that sentence correctly as i am considering cutting my hair. this will be a large change not only for me but for much of my friends.

Also a naked association is without a ‘comfort blanket’ that makes us feel secure and safe through change. i know that not everyone has something that makes them feel like they are safe and secure but i petition that there is something that would fit. I believe mine to be my phone. Without it i do not feel like i can function in the best way possible. i feel like i am missing a part of something that makes me– me.

And thats how Tim thinks while driving. Not the most direct way to get from Land Rover to phone but definitely nor mundane.

#naked feelings

hello there friends.

i assume you are here to understand the crazed thoughts i have about... things. so here are some things i have to say before you try to completely understand the things i have bouncing around in my mind.

dont you dare tell me that i typed something wrong. if i did, i will change it. i dont need to be told how inadequate my writing is. now that you feel like i am a conceded human who always things he is right, let me tell you some thing about me that my close friends know first hand. i rarely feel 100% sure about anything. there are some things that i DO feel secure in but those will come up later. I am a flawed person and i am sure that i will offend someone some way in some degree. i probably already have. people are weird. everyone is different. these statements may help you realize its not all about you. its not all about me. please let that sink in. YAY! so i have informed you a bit about me, offended you and tried to amend such an offense already and we have just barely started to get to know each other. so to review. I am about to write things about my life. I am going to say things that may be contrary to your thoughts on said things. i am probably not thinking about you with my writing. i am informal. i am Tim.

All that said, i hope you glean something from these musing. I will not be posing answers to the questions i have on here but if i do, they are my processing not questions posed to me. If you would like to talk to me about any of the things about to ensue, i am all for meeting at coffee shops where i can drink and learn from you.

On that note, here is something that you should know. I love people. furiously. This is a passion of mine and i hope we do know each other because you are different and i want to know your story too. :)

ONE more thing. Different is not inherently bad. Neither is weird. so please dont think that i am assuming either way when it is said.

#all punctuation is purely accedental #besides periods

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

people are weird. & everyone is different.