Balancing Acts

A blog, A man, his bills. A single father with an amazing 8 year old. Juggling full time employment, futile attempts at socialization, video gaming, parenting and paying bills.

[payingbills-blog]

Tonight I just feel good. It's not a life is perfect kind of good but it's a - No work tomorrow, kids in bed and relaxing listening to good music kind of good.

It's a thinking about a relation that may have not worked out at the time but it felt good and now in retrospect even the memory of feels good. 

I tend to torch bridges, especially with Exes. But I promise now, even if I don't talk or never talk to you again. I care still and it makes me happy knowing that you do too. Even if it means you message my mom on facebook to ask how my child and I are instead of just messaging me. 

I'm doing good and hope that you are and sometimes, maybe I miss you. 

[koolaidkids]

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I Used To Love H.E.R. - Common

Resurrection

[payingbills-blog]

Letter to my self

Generally speaking life doesn't have to suck. It's honestly more of a choice for those of us in the first world. I'm not attempting to minimize anyone's issues here but I'm speaking in regards to what I know and what I've experienced in life and I don't really feel the need to validate my opinion by going on and on about how much my life sucks. Because, well, despite how shitty it may be. 

It doesn't suck.

I'm not rose tinting my protective eye-wear. I understand that life is hard but most of these struggles, issues and stresses can be overcome. And maybe half of them are the product of our own decision making.  We can all sit here and go but not this or not this or not this. This is the opinion of an adult. I'm talking about grown up business. 

Except responsibility and move on. Build a sandbox and make that beach side sand castle next to the mini pool. We may not be able to always control our environment or even our emotions but our perspective is silly putty and with enough bashing that shit against the table it will become flat. It can be molded and it can change. And maybe your bills wont decrease but maybe... just maybe you'll be able to spend more time smiling. 

[payingbills-blog]

Just kicked my sons rear in Battleship!

As we were walking to bed to get him tucked him he says "That's 1-0 now; but next time I'm going to beat you!" It was his first time playing, the first of many. Maybe - but 1 hour long games of battleship can be rough. Haha. 

[payingbills-blog]

[payingbills-blog]

Conversing with my son's mother. . .

I generally find it awkward and feel as tho her questions regarding Juju, our son, are intrusive, annoying, and mostly irrelevant. She goes months with out asking about him and then for a few weeks she'll suddenly want to make attempts to speak with him. I guess I'm not being fair and it's probably pretty immature but it is what it is.   

[payingbills-blog]

Post sunny skies and Summer time.

The rain invites me to lay in bed all day with the window open. Allowing the cold crisp air into the room. Dosing in and out of consciousness and accomplishing absolutely nothing. And it'd be okay. Sadly ... I have to decline this invitation. 

[payingbills-blog]

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Get Out (acoustic version) by Circa Survive

[payingbills-blog]

I can't wait to understand the reason.

Today, my roommate moved in; it happens to be my Aunt. Which is a good and bad thing at the same time. The pros massively outweigh the cons however lets run this shit bullet point style:

Pros

Home cooked meals

Help with Groceries

Help with cleaning

Help with rent

Possible free child care

Cons

She's going to be taking Juniors room.

She's a talks too much.

Having to wear clothing now.

There we have it. The bolded points carry twice the value of a normal point. Obviously I'm winning here with a bit of sacrifice.

[payingbills-blog]

I love this picture of my handsome man. Taken earlier this summer...

[payingbills-blog]

Things About a Stranger

I am a 28 year old single parent to an 8 year old child with Aspergers syndrome and ADD. I’ve been floating above surface level for the last 2 school years with my child just barely managing to deal with everything. Work, school, work, school, appointments, therapy and so on and so on and so on. but the amount of progress has been so minimilistic as far as the growth of my son. We’ve basically run around with band-aids patching things up and getting him through. The only thing we’ve ever attempted to treat was ADD and how was that done? With something I hate. Medication but it worked right? So that means its good? 

Until you notice your child eats much more when hes not on the medication. Until his pediatrician points out that he hasn’t gained weight in a year. But why wasn’t the psychiatrist concerned with these things? Why on earth would he keep prescribing things that are hurting my child? And why was I so foolish to listen to the people advocating medication and talking about how much better he was doing while on them.

Band aids are not enough. I realize that now. There are things I’m unable to do; one of which is this major issue with keeping everything private and not talking about things with people who know me IRL. I mock individuals on facebook that have more nerve than I to share events that are occurring in their lives with people; I dismiss it all as attempts to get attention. But, during my travels and dealings I’ve realized that maybe that’s what I lack. The ability to admit openly that there’s a problem and it needs to be addressed and worked on. Isn’t that one of the major steps in treatment for addictions?

Is it as simple as that? Admitting that alone we are powerless we need help but I’m not talking about prayer, unicorn blood or gods.  I’m not talking about welfare and Disability checks. I’m talking about managing, coping, dealing, learning and growing. Being guided, inspired, taught and supported. 

Maybe there’s more than donuts and coffee at those support groups….

[payingbills-blog]

A lot of things don't come naturally to me. I'm an unorganized person and I lose motivation entirely too easily. I get wrapped up in escapism; music, TV, video games, comics whatever is accessible at the time. I'm not good at keeping friends because I don't like to put in the effort. I break promises, mainly with my self but it happens pretty often. I spend too much money on shit I cant hold or keep. Shit that gets eaten, used, smoked, drank. I'm lazy. 

So, I'll just put all out there, open book.  It's not all piss and vinegar but it's all me. And the taste and smell of vinegar can get a little overwhelming at times. I'll leave the piss alone for now...

[blamesays-deactivated20110810]

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[payingbills-blog]

To Be Real by Cunninlynguists

[Chorus]

From make believe

Well I want to be for real

[Verse 1]

Some are real as the line in their big face bill

Others are counterfeit living off of Xerox meal

Quickly coming out their mouth like they put out grills

See the traffic in the sky but you take off still

Living the high life or limelight, I just like the light lime

Fabricating your life, I just have to write mine

Be ahead of the game, gotta have the right mind

I just do it while others just want the Nike signs

I respect grind, finish line is asinine

Don’t grown folks quit stop pretending sometime after nine

This is real life, shit gets physical

Pixar gangster niggas I find pitiful

Trying to back the rep you create is just criminal

Stop lying, flatline digital sales minimal

Defibrillators for your career, no one’s feeling you

A hundred cc’s of truth in your life is critical

[Chorus]

[Verse 2]

Listen, maybe Sade can tell you how love rock

Play it in the liquor store or in the drug spots

We all want love but tell me what’s love got

We’ll love you till it changes who you are then love stops

We loved Mike, we loved Elvis, we loved Pac

If that’s love nigga, maybe we should all love not

Paparazzi love got us fiending for love shots

Trying to fill a void, just a hole where love rots

Maybe it’s a phase, may it be a chapter

Just another story you can think on with laughter

So either leave or come American disaster

Behind all the Maybelline, drywall, and plaster

Under the million dollar rug swept ashes

And billion dollar lives that make debts from assets

The fast escape, run from who they are

I’d run from self but no man can run that far

[Chorus]