This is my 100th post. Thank you all who have followed me thus far and have enjoyed my poetry, I really appreciate it.
Anyways, this is not going to be a happy post. I have too many feelings in my head that I need to get out.
Surprisingly, I’m doing just fine without him. I thought I would go back to feeling depressed and start questioning my self-worth all over again, but I’m instead living my life the same I was when I was associated with him. I’m just carrying on as though it never happened, as though it doesn’t bother me that he’s just fine without me and found it easy to drop me. But I know deep down the memories and the lovely words he said to me and the beautiful moments we shared together are all stored in my subconscious, and that is why I find myself having a random breakdown every once in a while. Because my subconscious misses him.
I don’t want to miss him, I wish my subconscious would understand that. Why can’t all those memories shift into my unconscious where I don’t have to remember it all? It would be easy to just forget that way, right? I’ve done a good job at pushing other horrible memories into my unconscious; for example, 2015 wasn’t a great year for me and I couldn’t tell you the details of the experiences or the classes in high school I was taking during that year because I simply can’t recall. I have reason to believe I shoved those memories into my unconscious because it was a terrible year. So why can’t I just shove the events from July 2017-January 2018 into my unconscious? Well, maybe I just have to be patient. I will be if that's what it takes.
Here are some of the things I want to ask him.
1. Did you only start talking to me because you felt bad that I was heartbroken over someone else? Was I just a charity case?
2. Did you plan to never fall in love with me if #1 is true?
3. Why weren’t you honest with me in the beginning? Did you think I wouldn’t ever find out your secret? You underestimate me if you answer yes. I overanalyze everything when I see something sketchy to me. I don’t leave it alone until I’m satisfied with my answer. That is my issue. When I found out, I questioned everything, and that is when our relationship went downhill. You ignored me when I confronted you and I didn’t bring it up again. When you were starting to slip away from me, I asked again, and once again, you dodged the bullet.
4. Why didn’t you just tell me yourself? I found out your secret BY ACCIDENT. I would’ve liked to hear the truth from you.
5. Is what we had real? Of course, it was. I felt it and I saw it in your eyes.
6. Then why were you able to drop me so quick? When I kept having these anxiety attacks, telling you how scared I was of losing you, why did you leave?
7. Why did you leave? Was it because of the secret? Because I had these worries and anxiety about losing you? What was it?
8. Will I ever know the full truth?
Probably not. And maybe I'm better off not knowing the truth. It truly does hurt sometimes, but it’s what I deserve, its what I want more than anything right now.
I’ve had these feelings bottled up for a little over a month, and I don’t feel like explaining anything to anyone. I was so excited about this relationship because I finally thought he was the one for me. We had a connection I had never felt before, he reminded me so much of my own father and I thought maybe they’d get along. I told my sister about him, that's how confident I was about us. I had told a few of my real-life friends and almost all of my internet friends. And when he never replied to my DM asking about our one month break, I was devastated because that was his way of breaking up with me. I was embarrassed to tell everyone we were 100% over. It's disheartening.
He knew about my history, knew how many times I’ve been fucked over and how fragile my mentality was. He knew I had anxiety about losing him and reassured me by telling me that he’s not like my exes, but he is. He absolutely is because he left me. He abandoned me just like an ex-lover did last year.
He ran away from our problems. Instead of choosing to talk it out with me and fix these issues, he ran away. He thought leaving me would solve everything, but it’s only made me worse.
I’m absolutely done with long distance relationships. They ruin my mental health and they’re toxic for me. I’m doing just fine on my own now, I’m still writing poetry and I’ve just been focusing on school and all the people in my life. I’m still trying to forget about this mess, and it's been hard, but I’ve gone through a lot of heartbreak before so I’m sure I’ll be over it soon. I just have to remind myself every now and again that I’m stronger than I think.
