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@peaceisachoice
It is easy to go through life thinking that what we do doesn’t really matter. Every once in a while though something stops us in our tracks and makes us realize how big life is and how connected we are. The tapestry suddenly flips, we see the other side for a brief moment and realize the yarns of...
The Birthday Boy
Today is my son's 24th birthday. A particularly auspicious birthday in my mind for two important reasons, the first being that I was 24 when he was born so comparing who I was then with who I am now and who he is, has been a bit mind blowing, and sort of comforting for me. Peering into his life, I see so much of who I was, how uncertain and unsettled I felt, how unready I was to take on the responsibility of taking care of a tiny human.
Now, I look at his strength and his wisdom and realize while a lot of it is innate, some of it did indeed come from me, so even though I felt so insecure about being a mom, I did better than I ever could have imagined on this day 24 years ago. I was just trying to fake my way through the best I could each day, and somehow it stopped being fake and I really became a mom through and through.
The second reason is because this is the first birthday that I haven't been with him. Instead of sitting in my living room watching football all day he was hours away on an adventure camping trip climbing boulders all day. I heard someone say today that their biggest fear is the fear of the unknown.
When I embarked on the adventure of being a mom, there was a lot of that fear of the unknown. How did I find peace with that? I imagine that I did it in the same way that my son conquered those boulders today. One carefully calculated step at a time. Staying in the present moment. Being aware of the rush of just being alive.
About midnight last night I sent him a text message that said, "Thanks for the many ways you helped ground and guide our lives." Being responsible for another human was scary, but also very empowering. It propelled me in ways I never would have gone without his presence. I chose so many paths that I never would have ventured down because I wanted him to have a unique life, I wanted him to feel free to embrace all that life offered him. Peace doesn't mean leading a safe life, it means leading a life you feel happy to wake up in every morning. I'm really thankful for the happiness and peace that little boy ushered into my world 24 years ago today.
The Hunger Games
Friday night I was sitting in the parking lot of a hotel sobbing, "Let's just please go get Chinese food and be done with this night!" Looking back it makes me laugh, but at the time I was hungry, frustrated, and way over tired. Not a good combination, and to really understand that conversation with my husband on Friday night, we would have to begin about 28 and a half years ago.
A few months back my husband and I went to a one day marriage seminar which our friends Justin and Jennifer Gerhard led. As a part of the seminar they gave us a challenge to go out on a special date where you followed a specific script for what things to do on the date. The beginning of the script involved going to a restaurant and having the server choose the meal for you. Which of course represents the idea that in life while you have some choices, a lot of things will be served up to you that you may not be expecting.
So for this date we had decided to go to a local town that we aren't especially familiar with to try a Greek restaurant that our friend had recommended. We didn't know where we were going but due to time factors instead of printing out directions I decided to just plug them into our GPS I figured it was a small enough town we couldn't get too lost even if our GPS is sometimes inaccurate because it is about 10 years old.
I was super excited because I was leaving work early and we were going to go straight to the restaurant which I expected to be about 45 minutes away. I had woken up late so I had skipped breakfast in the morning, I had a slice of pizza in my fridge at work but after taking one bite it tasted a little off so I decided not to chance it, after all it wouldn't be long until I would be filling up on a night of yummy Greek food and my husband's full attention. I was pretty stoked. I even tried to ignore the mantra taped to my desk that warned me, "Expectations are pre-meditated resentments. I just knew this was going to be an amazing evening.
At first we were surprised that our GPS took us through the main part of town instead of the restaurant district, and then even more amazed when we started going down a lot of country roads. I'm not quite sure when we realized we were completely lost but it might have been the point when we were pulled over on the side of the road puzzling over the GPS and had both phones pulled out trying to locate the restaurant on various kinds of mapping systems.
The complete break down occurred about 30 minutes later when we found ourselves pulling over for the third time, this time in the parking lot of a hotel about two blocks from where we had first gotten off the highway into what we were now referring to as "this God forsaken town". It was at this point I really realized that I hadn't eaten all day, I had not slept well for the past seven days because I had been having nightmares off and on all week, and I was having a flashback to our honeymoon 28 and a half years ago when we had our very first argument as a married couple. I'm pretty sure that when you first get married you should choose your first argument very carefully because that will be the same issue that will haunt you the rest of your life, William and I have never fought about money, sex, or kids, but put us in a car together and make us try to figure out directions and it is likely that an argument will occur at some point. That honeymoon argument was so bad I actually broke the handle on the door of the car when I slammed it so hard. Peace is a choice, I was too young and didn't have the communication tools to know how to choose it then.
I tossed the script for our date into the back seat and made the recommendation for the one place we knew how to get to and burst into an emotional vomit of tears. Not because I was mad but because I was frustrated and I just needed something to eat. My husband turned the car around and as we were driving to the Chinese place we both looked to the right and saw the Greek restaurant we had been searching an hour and a half for. We pulled in to the parking lot. Unfortunately at this point I had lost all interest in a date and just wanted food. It was a tense and terrible meal. The food was mediocre at best adding further irony to the night.
We abandoned all plans of seeing a movie and headed home. The forty minute drive was quiet except for the tunes on the C.D. player. Somewhere between the music of Sinead O'Conner and John Lennon, we both started chilling out. When we got home I turned to him and said, "Up until the point we got lost, it was a wonderful date. Thanks for trying so hard, and just because the middle didn't work out so well doesn't mean it can't have an extraordinary ending." and indeed it did.
Which explains why we went on two dates in a row this weekend. The second date was wonderful from the beginning to the end. We went to Tullums, a wonderful local restaurant. We were even super excited to see our friend Erik Proveux's name on the credits when we final got to see Mockingjay Part 1 on our second date. We should have gone to his restaurant, The Fuel Cafe, in Memphis instead of our fal-awful choice the first night.
I think these two dates represent what the point of the assignment was though, to have a fun and extraordinary marriage you have to be willing to go through bad dates and days to get to good ones. We could have had a rough night and not tried again, but it is in the not giving up that you find the peace and you find the joy, and that is exactly what it takes to make an extraordinary marriage.
Audacity
"I refuse to accept the idea that man is mere flotsam and jetsom in the river of life unable to influence the unfolding events which surround him." "I have the audacity to believe that people everywhere can have three meals a day for their bodies, education and culture for their minds, dignity, equality, and freedom for their spirits. I believe that what self-centered men have torn down men other-centered can build up." Two quotes from Martin Luther King, Jr.'s Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech which occurred 50 years ago today. Listening to his speech tonight was a great reminder of just how far we have come, and how far we still have to go. It is an important time to remember, we are still in the middle of the story. We haven't gotten to the end yet, we have to keep turning the pages of time and having the audacity to continue to believe we can make a difference.
Not So Good Days
Have you ever had a not so good day? It wasn't that anything went wrong, there was just a feeling like you weren't quite meshing with people and if you were willing, the things being said to you could really hurt your feelings. Today was that kind of day, and not just for me, I noticed several of my students were having the same kind of day. I blamed it on the full moon. Oddly that brought me a sense of peace, just a realization that just like the cycles of the moon, emotional cycles can wax and wane.
One younger student in particular was having a rough day. Someone had said something that hurt his feelings. He told me that his luck had run out for the year. I told him I had some to spare so I would be glad to share. I drew a smiley face on his hand and held it tight for a second. It was a simple conversation but the smile on his face told me that his not so good day was getting a little better.
I ran across this today when looking for information about people that have used their talents as artists to promote social justice.
Do you know your Human Rights?
http://shopzenpencils.com/products/universal-declaration-of-human-rights
Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. Lao Tzu
I was thinking about this idea yesterday. One of my big mantra's is that the universe is always unfolding for my good, if I really believe that is true it wipes away every fear because it means even the incredibly unpleasant parts of life serve a purpose for my greater good. I find great peace in that idea.
My Granddaughter’s 1st birthday was today. Here are some things I hope she learns along the way in her route to growing up.
They’re good lessons for all of us so I thought I’d share.
Your happiness is not dependent on anyone or anything else.
You get what you expect, so always expect the best in people and in situations.
Everything is temporary. Change is constant. Don’t get upset when things change, it’s how life’s supposed to be. Only dead things remain stagnant.
Know that you are worthy of everything good. You don’t need to prove your self-worth to anyone. You were born worthy. Everyone is. Don’t allow anyone to make you feel less than worthy.
Don’t be impressed or overly flattered by people who tell you that you’re beautiful. They don’t get special credit for having eyes that work. However, do become impressed and flattered by those who know your heart, for that is something eyes cannot see, but only felt by those who are in tune with you.
Get an education. I don’t care if it’s a formal one or a self-taught one, but get one.
Learn to meditate and do it daily.
Trust your gut! To any question you have – ask yourself that question before asking anyone else. Your gut will tell you the answer immediately every time. When it does, listen. Don’t over analyze. Don’t think you heard wrong – it will never steer you wrong.
Also – when you meet someone and your gut starts screaming to leave or get away or don’t trust them or you don’t like them – LISTEN. Don’t be hard headed and stick around to find out why your gut was telling you that.
Learn to visualize the life you want. This works especially well the last 5-10 minutes before you go to sleep.
Don’t dwell on the past.
Forgive often.
Don’t fight with your mother.
Don’t worry, be stressed or anxious.
Laugh often.
It’s only a mistake the SECOND time.
Learn to make yourself happy first before being concerned about making others happy AND learn how to do this without being rude or mean.
Be honest, kind and compassionate – ALWAYS.
Help those who need help – don’t wait to be asked, just jump in and do something.
No Drama. Drama is caused by the thoughts you think and you are in complete control of that so choose thoughts that cause you to smile instead.
Don’t chew with your mouth open or talk with your mouth full and keep your elbows and cell phone off the table.
There was so much truth in this blog, I wanted to reblog it to share, and to help me remember it:
"X" ing Out Jealousy
I saw the look on her face and my heart wilted. I could tell in that instant that my beautiful, talented, incredible friend was allowing her self esteem to be trampled by fear, frustration and envy. Fear that she was never going to have the thing she wanted so desperately, frustrated that she wanted it, and envy that someone else, not her, was getting the prize and attention. The surreal part was, I felt like I was looking in a mirror…one that traveled back in time to when I was in her shoes. It may not have been the exact situation, but oh I recognized that look and the feelings that go with it, and those feelings are painful. It took me years to garner the tools necessary to work through the emotion of jealousy, but I’m so thankful for the ways that have enhanced my sense of peace and self. Here are a few of the approaches I have learned to take when I look in the mirror and see my normally big brown eyes have turned to green: 1. When I’m feeling jealous it is time to turn from being self centered to being self aware. I start asking questions like: Where in my body do I feel this emotion? Acknowledging the emotion is key to being able to let it go. Once I identify where it is I can think about how that emotion impacts that part of my body, for instance I normally feel jealousy in my heart so that is a clue that I’m feeling unloved and unworthy. That is my cue that it is time for me to be especially self compassionate and loving. To think of myself in a gentle way and think about all the limitless love there is available for me to give to others, and give that feeling of love and compassion to myself. I compassionately remind myself that it is o.k. to feel hurt and bruised at times, but it is not o.k. to stay in that place. I also start asking what is it I can learn from this emotion? Sometimes when I really break down the parts of what I’m feeling jealous about it can be like a fascinating treasure map telling me the things I want in life that I may not even realize I am wanting. It can be a tool that I can use to plan out my future goals. If you have read my book, “Reading 10,000 Books: A Journey of Body and Soul” you know that one way I did this was to set a goal to go to Europe after realizing how jealous I was of other people that were able to travel. It is very enlightening to recognize if someone else is able to do something, it means it is an option that is also probably available for you in some shape or form. The key is to think about ways to reach that dream instead of just assuming it isn’t possible in your life or that other people are just “luckier” than you. Life isn’t a competition, it is a path that you get to choose and learn from every day. 2. When my jealousy is being caused by a person having something I wish I had, the first tool I use is to imagine myself in their place. I have an odd obsession with houses. I could spend hours looking through magazines about houses, real estate listings, drawing house plans, so jealousy over someone else’s house is a typical struggle for me. Picturing myself in their place means I not only look at the positives but also really think about the negatives. In my early twenties I did a lot of house sitting. I lived in an area with some very wealthy people that I was friends with. House sitting for them gave me a very different look at what it was like to actually live in their houses, for instance cleaning a big house is a pain, and having to arrange schedules and pay someone else to clean your house can also be a pain, and a big house has all sorts of things that can and do go wrong, and then you have to call someone to fix them or fix them yourself. This isn’t being sour grapes, this is realistically looking at blessings that come with strings that personally I’d rather not deal with. I quickly decided I’d rather live in a small, manageable house. Now I spend my time thinking about what are the exact things I love about houses that I can incorporate into my not so big house and give me the same feelings that I long for when I look at a house I love. This tool may sound a bit whack, but follow me all the way through on this one: Sometimes I think about how I would feel if something awful happened to the object of my jealousy. For instance, one of those houses I was jealous of in my early twenties burned to the ground and the family that lived in it fell apart shortly afterwards. That hit me hard because it made me realize that I never wanted something bad to happen to them, I just wanted something good to happen to me. I realized that my envy was keeping me from being happy for them which made me feel even worse when their lives fell apart. So now when I find myself feeling jealous of someone elses good fortune I remember that feeling of how bad I felt for that family, and what a waste of time and energy it was on my part to be negative when I thought of them. Now I spend time sending the person I’m jealous of positive thoughts and joy for what they are getting to experience during that moment of their life. In AA there is a tool they call the resentment chip. An object is kept in your pocket and when you touch the object you use it as a cue to send positive thoughts to the person you are feeling resentful towards. I’ve used this technique many times and am always amazed at how much it helps me let go of my negative feelings. Another tool is to make it a point to “feel” what the other person is feeling. This is especially helpful for people that are close to me that I find myself feeling resentful towards. I think about how excited they must feel, and about how I would want them to feel towards me if I was in their place, then I think about how I would feel if the people around me were feeling jealous instead of happy for me. I’ve been in that place in my life at times and frankly it was awful. I wanted to be happy about something that was happening in my life, but someone else around me was jealous and let me know. It just took all the fun out of what I was feeling, and I felt like I had to walk around on eggshells instead of being excited. I don’t want to do that to the people I care about, I want to be a model of happiness and excitement for them so when it is my turn for something cool to happen all the people around me are genuinely happy for me too. In the book, The Alchemist, written by Paul Coelho the main character, Santiago, goes on a very long journey to discover a treasure that was in his reach before the journey ever even began. The book is all about the importance of the journey and that treasure can come in many different forms. The most important tool that helps me deal with jealousy is to spend time counting my own blessings instead of the blessings of everyone else. I may sometimes feel like Santiago, off on a wild goose chase that seems to be leading me farther and farther away from the treasure I’m seeking, but taking the time to look at the treasure I have whether that is friendship, a beautiful landscape,or a good meal helps me see that the entire map of the journey is filled with treasure not just one specific spot marked X.
Attitude
I teach middle school so I think about the concept of attitude a lot. One of my favorite things is when a student comes back to talk with me or I hear through the grape vine that they always knew that they were my favorite. I love it because all of them are my favorites. Each student I have had the priviledge of teaching has actually been my teacher in one way or another. Each one has allowed me to grow in different ways. What a blessing that I sit at the feet of masters of so many different things. They have so many different passions and abilities, and I get to listen in fascination as they share their stories with me, sometimes I realize I am the only one that is listening to them. I listen to their words, to their body language, to their sighs, to their jokes, and I learn so much. This is where relationship peace starts-listening with an open heart and mind, eager to learn. My attitude impacts their attitude, that is both a huge responsibility and a huge priviledge.
Social Justice
Today's American Google doodle honored the social activist/artist Corita Kent, who was at one point in her life a Roman Catholic nun. I found this very personally meaningful due to a conversation I had today. I was expressing my concern about a situation and the person I was talking to said, "I'm surprised this situation is allowing you of all people to lose your peace. You just need to let it go." I had to take a deep breathe and check my inner sense at that moment. Then I responded in what I hope was a polite and thoughtful manner. Peace is a word like love, in that it can convey many different meanings depending on the situation. I feel strongly that peace is not the absence of conflict but the ability to handle conflict in a way that respects each person involved. For me, social justice is a large component of being a peace maker. Having a strong sense of interior, personal peace does not mean that I allow others to walk over me or anyone else in the effort to "keep the peace". In fact, a strong sense of personal peace is what allows me to discuss controversial issues with others in a mature way. When I find that I'm in a conflict that is eroding into something negative it is because I have strayed from my core and I need to pause, regain my composure and respect for the other person, but then continue to talk about the issue. Corita Kent used her strong personal and spiritual beliefs as a foundation for the art work that she did promoting peace and love. She used popular consumer culture in a type of artistic aikido, turning its energy against itself. Her ability to use advertisements juxtapositioned next to spiritual songs or texts transformed those ads in the eyes of the public. Peace is creative, and social activisim at its best is creative, which is exactly why it is so challenging and so much fun. Having an acute sense of inner peace is the first step, but certainly doesn't have to be the final step in living a peaceful life.
Reconnection
If a peaceful choice is made by me but I don't blog about it did it actually really happen? This is the question I debate as my posts become less frequent due to computer issues. Just like the question of the tree falling and no one with ears around to hear the vibration produced, it is both a scientific question and a question of philosophy. When I restarted my peace blog it was because my life had become an unmanageable stress ball and I needed a way to reconnect to the peace I felt like I had lost in my life. In very tangible ways writing the blog helped me to focus my thoughts and practice daily acts of peace in my life. It helped me make new choices instead of habitually being in a stressed out, bad place. One of the most valuable choices I made was to clearly define in the morning the type of attitude I was going to choose, instead of the attitude I was absorbing and reflecting from the people around me, which just happened to be sullen, confused teens. Choosing over and over again to focus on the positive turned my year and my life around. I clearly remember one day when I decided, "This person has hurt me, over and over, but how would I treat them if they hadn't hurt me, how would I respond if I viewed this situation from a different perspective and knew that they were never meaning to hurt me." Nothing had really changed about that relationship except how I chose to change my actions based on a choice to forgive and let go-even if that person hadn't changed. My positive attitude opened up doors I never expected and that relationship grew into something really beautiful. So this November, I'm really, really thankful for this blog. I'm thankful for the way it has focused my thoughts and helped me get back to what I feel is my life's passion. I guess in a way, I'm even thankful for the computer issues I have been having recently because I'm realizing that the lessons learned in the past year are continuing to unfold in my life, even when I don't get to record or reflect on them in the same way. Do you hear that sound? That my friend, is the sound of peace.
What Is Peace?
The bitter wind was biting at my cheeks as I looked quickly for cars before crossing the street to visit my new neighbors. Three tiny ebony faces looked up at me and the bag of candy I held in my hands. They stopped playing with their ball and listened as I explained that I wasn't going to be handing out candy that night so I wanted to "deliver" their Halloween treats to their door before I shut off my lights and hid under the covers. They weren't really listening to my explanation, their eyes were fixed on the candy. I carefully reached in the bag and pulled out a treat for each of them. Then I said, "Oh, and I would like to give you two more to give to your parents." The oldest one grabbed the treat and when her younger brother said, "I want to take one to them!" The oldest one kicked him and said, "No! I will do it." Hmm...so much for trying to spread some Halloween cheer. The kicked one immediately spun around in order to retaliate. Without thinking I cried out, "Stop, you do not have to respond by kicking her back! You can choose peace!" They stopped arguing and turned to look at me as if I had transformed into alien from another planet. I stood there not quite sure what to say to redeem myself when the five year old kicked one looked at me very seriously and said, "What does that mean?" I was confused, "What does what mean?" Very slowly as if time itself had stopped and he was asking me the most important question in the world, he asked, "What is peace?". Little kids have an unnerving way of being so honest and innocent that it really freaks me out sometimes. I just stared at him. I realized I didn't have a pat answer for that question. It is too big a question for me...that is why I spend so much time every single day thinking about it. I looked into his big brown eyes and said, "Peace is that feeling you get when you choose to be kind and love even though you have to right to be mad. It is a happy feeling that lifts you up and makes you feel good all over." That was all I had for him. How in the world can you reduce peace to a sound bite? I felt like I had failed him. I wish I could have thought of something more impressive and meaningful that he could have carried with him through his life, the type of thing he could tell his grandchildren, "When I was a kid, a strange woman stopped and gave me candy and helped me understand that peace is always a choice and that has made all the difference." Peace is a really big concept, it is obviously going to be a really long time before I understand it, that is o.k. though, I can't think of a better way to spend a life time.
The Path
I write about peace because I struggle to be a peaceful person. It does not come easily to me. I have to work at it, and somedays I have to work at it harder than other days. Lately I haven't been blogging as much about my daily peace choices because for whatever reason tumblr doesn't seem to be working correctly on either of my computers making writing and posting a difficult task. A task I want to avoid because I don't want to deal with the frustration... because if you remember...I'm trying to be at peace.... Last week I mentioned in a conversation with some co-workers about how much I think about peace in an average day, and when I said that...two of them rolled their eyes. I wasn't sure how to respond to that. I wasn't sure if they meant, "Yes, we know and we wish you would stop talking about it!" or if it meant, "You may think about it a lot, but you sure aren't living it!" See my insecurities coming out? How am I suppose to be at peace with a comment like that laying on a shelf in my mind??? If I was a fully formed peace maker I could probably sit down with them and have a gentle conversation to clear up any misunderstandings there might be between us, but alas and alack I am far, far from my ideals. And there is that time and space factor, in order to have that time of gentle conversation I have to have time and be in the same space as said co-workers and that is not going to happen unless I make a point of it happening...which let's face it...is probably not going to happen... The point I'm trying to get to is that for me, peace is my path. It is my destination too, but on a daily basis, it is just the path I'm trying really hard to walk on. A walk that must indeed look like a drunken stumble all over the place most of the time...but nevertheless, it is a path I'm trying to follow and figure out. I have to give myself, and the others in my life the grace and time it takes to walk on it with confidence and purpose. I've come a long way, and sometimes I need to realize I shouldn't be ashamed I haven't figured it out yet, I have a long way to go and the only way I can make it is to keep walking.
2 November this year will be the first International Day to End Impunity for Crimes against Journalists(IDEI).
The date was chosen in commemoration of the assassination of two French journalists in Mali in 2013. The Day is a chance to urge Member States to implement definite measures countering the present culture of impunity for crimes against journalists.
Learn more here: http://j.mp/1zfnowG
Note to My Future Self
Today I found this note that I wrote to myself on July 14, 2005: 1. Slow down 2. Listen to your inner voice. 3. Take your dreams seriously. 4. God is real, and having a friendship with God is fun. 5. We are all one. 6. Nourish your soul. 7. Be a blessing to yourself and to others. 8. Time is precious, use it wisely. 9. Stop running, fear not. 10. It is o.k. to be inadequate, start where you are and grow. Note to my future self written today: Do all of the above, and eat more dark chocolate. Life was meant to be enjoyed.
