Peirra Dash

black spiritual goddess working to awaken us to our highest potential through self awareness, energy work, and healing. ig: pierradicee

[peirradash]

2.2.24 | Ode to Despair

I was having a really tough time today. This morning I felt absolute dread getting ready for work and then when I took my last break, my emotions felt like a tidal wave.

Making it through the day felt like pulling teeth today.

The particularly concerning part of this is: Monday I had to call out due to my overwhelming mental despair. Tuesday-Thursday I don’t really remember but I do recall feeling generally positive. Now, today I’m feeling overly depressed.

I feel frustrated that I started and ended my week with this same disgusting feeling because, as it turns out in this case, this means I ended and started my month with this disgusting feeling.

I don’t want this feeling to feel at home in my body but I do I understand that this feeling will come and go… I don’t want to deal with either particularly often and the way it’s reared it’s ugly head twice in one week just makes me want to rage.

“LEAVE ME ALONE, YOURE NOT WELCOME HERE,” is what I want to scream to this feeling but for some reason it feels like that’s exactly what this feeling wants. It wants to feel unwelcome, it wants to feel like a burden, but I don’t think I should give it the satisfaction…

I think instead, I should give it all my attention. I should try to listen to it and ask it want it wants with me. It probably doesn’t get to spend much time being intimate with people, it probably gets a lot of rejection and anger but I don’t want to treat it that way. I don’t want to feed its self-depricating nature.

Instead, I’d much rather break down its walls. Understand who it is as a person. All people really need is a bit of love and understanding. Some validation and appreciation. Who else but this feeling will give our ego the beating it needs? Who else but this feeling will keep our narcissism in check?

We can’t trust our joy and our ecstasy so we have to be grateful to this feeling for telling us what we need to hear when we’re least prepared just for the thrill of the change of pace. Just to make sure that we can hack it in this world because it’s harsh out here and if we never get practice dealing with the abrasive nature of our environment we will never be strong enough to survive so for this, Despair, I thank you.

[peirradash]

Scene:

I am standing above you as you hand me flowers and the gift you thought I’d enjoy.

you reach in your pocket to hand me fifteen crisp hundred dollar bills.

you look up at me and ask, “did i do good, Goddess?”

I reply, “Oh sweetie, you’re a constant disappointment.”

I proceed to spit in my hand and I say, “Hold your chin high, pet, I want to show you what I think of your little gesture.”

My hand, dripping with my warm sweet spit, reaches back over my shoulder.

I backhand the shit out of you then mush my spit all over your face.

you’re slightly disappointed that there wasn’t more spit on my hand and I can see it on your face.

“You want more you have to ask for it.”

“Please spit on me more, Goddess. Please i need more.”

I tell you to hold out your hands and I repeatedly spit in them.

“Rub your hands together and rub My spit on your face like moisturizer. Thank Me for the privilege. Let Me hear how honored you are for this privilege, My slutty little pet.”

I can see how excited you are — it’s written all over your pants — but I’m needy too…

𝙸 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚍𝚎𝚟𝚘𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚒𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎.

[peirradash]

Where does your value lie?

honestly, it’s really hard knowing the amount of times i carelessly allowed people to touch me.

it makes me think about my desire to be supported alongside the desire to be needed.

the desire to be valuable in someone’s life —

but it’s hard to steer clear of deriving personal value from that which others assign…

i mean, we don’t exist in a vacuum so how are we supposed to find value in ourselves without using relative comparison?

how do we say, “i am worthwhile regardless of what i provide to your experience.”

tell ourselves we mean something when no one is around…

what does it matter anyhow if no one is around?

[peirradash]

I want to fall in love with feeling again.

Every time I feel anything I should take a second to be grateful anyhow.

The fact that I can feel anything at all after everything that’s happened, well, that is the beauty of life.

That is the resilience of the body.

The excitement, the pain, the agitation and anger, all of it exists with the purpose of reminding us who we are.

Pinching us into being more than we are at this moment. Telling us there’s something we need to do or say or create.

There is nothing more positive and more beautiful than negative emotion because without it, we would have absolutely no idea which way to turn or what to do next.

We would be absolutely fine with mediocrity and monotony.

Yet, because we’re human, we despise the mundane and cherish the ordinary.

We want mediocre and monotonous yet we fight with it every chance we get.

“I knew this would happen!” we spout.

Knowing good and well it happened for a reason and not just because God wants to spank us.

What does God look like giving humans spankings?

Do you really think he has the time?

And if he did, is that what you think he would want to do?

Or would he want to sit?

Drink wine with you?

Ask you how you’re liking his creation…

He knows you won’t be absolutely satisfied but your feedback will feed future generations all the ingredients you were missing.

More confidence, more love, less doubt and debauchery.

Less treachery in the home and in the streets, more love in the grocery store and at the bank.

He feels sad to hear all the chaos that has ensued in your life just because of the way he made you.

He loves you and he wants to see you happy.

Why won’t you just be happy for him?

Do you hate him?

Do you hate your life?

How would your mother feel knowing you wish you could take back all her hard work to get you here?

Would you want her to slap you into another time zone then?

Send you over to lands of true depravation.

Those where laws don’t exist and love is the only thing that will see you out of the “safe hold.”

If you had to marry for safety, I bet you’d be monogamous too.

Hiding under the only warm flesh that feels like home and come on let’s be real, you know it’s not your own, but DAMN does it feel good.

For someone to love you like only you wish you could…

[peirradash]

lately, i’ve been dealing with a lot mentally and emotionally.

i don’t know how best to describe it but all i know is my inner child, teen, protector, and probably more, are all screaming for redemption.

they want blood for all the times they’ve been misled, betrayed, and mistreated. they don’t care whose.

they want to say, “thanks for nothing, you pieces of shit. what the fuck was the point of all this? are you happy now?”

of course fucking not because “happiness is a practice” —

yeah ok, let me practice trying not to give in to the thoughts that want this life to end.

SAVE ME, JESUS! FOR I HAVE DONE IT AGAIN!

[peirradash]

One of my favorite things about the pandemic has to be the fact that people are truly eager to find community.

Regardless of their awareness of this truth, it remains the same.

We’re human, we need connection, and sometimes the people who live with us aren’t enough to sustain our need for social interaction.

Sometimes the people who live with us make us feel very alienated so we need to go out into the world and form new connections that make our Self feel more whole.

I love my partner with all my heart but that doesn’t mean I’m ok with him being my only close friend for the rest of my life…

And the way I make new friends may not be his favorite but at the end of the day, if I have people outside of his network that I can still rely on for certain things, that goes to show how superb my networking skills really are.

It gives me confidence in myself to know I have the ability to not only attract people but also once given the chance, I can build very strong bonds with them.

I am a great person. No matter what my partner, my family, or strangers on the street think of me.

I am not as bad as they think I am and more than that, they are not as good as I think they are and the more I can maintain balance within my perspective, the better off I will be.

[peirradash]

i am a hardcore racist.⁣

i also like bigots, sex, and misogynists.⁣

i don’t understand why people don’t like me… all i do is try to adopt the culture.⁣

they tell me it’s a “perversion of their truth.”⁣

what the fuck does that even mean?⁣

_____________

IG - @notosell

⁣

[peirradash]

Questioning Sexuality

by Peirra Dash

3 min read

Is it human nature to be curious about it?

So many people like to say humans are not supposed to be monogamous but if not that, then what?

What is our predisposed love style?

Do we have one?

How much of human experience is really individual if we have collective consciousness?

~~~

Sexuality is up to the individual but that doesn’t mean external judgement won’t sway the hand.

We don’t exist in a vacuum.

The reason it’s really bothering me if I’m being 100% honest is the fact that throughout our relationship, I’ve always been curious about his brother.

Am I an adulterer for such curiosity?

For the desire to execute?

Do I get any points for not executing despite these thoughts?

I don’t reach this level of curiosity often but when I do, is it wrong of me to ask for the right to execute?

I understand it’s not a right so much as it is a privilege considering our marital status…

~~~

I would be delighted for explorative privileges but I would be abhorred for anyone to view me as a trollop or a hussy.

Although the definition is a woman with many relationships, somehow the fact that it’s a word specifically for a woman… it makes it that much more unnerving.

Personally, when people have the wherewithal to say, “You are bad!” I am automatically pushed to the defensive. Searching for anything and everything to disprove that statement.

“Who are you to say I am anything when I know I am nothing special?”

[peirradash]

good morning im a photographer are you interested in tfp..I'm from nyc

hello, i am. what is your IG?

[peirradash]

unedited fuckery 😂

- P

[peirradash]

i had a comforting thought today

[peirradash]

[peirradash]

Social Media

Is a doubled edged sword because it can fuel your dreams and aspirations…

…while simultaneously taking a toll on my mental health.

The only difference being 5 minutes.

“Too much of a good thing is destined to kill me!”

[peirradash]

Trigger Warning

Sometimes I forget that I am actually very smart considering the American average.

Sometimes I get jealous when I am not the most exciting person in the room.

Sometimes I forget not everyone cares to analyze every aspect of themselves.

Sometimes I am reminded that not everyone thinks it’s ok to kill themselves.

[peirradash]

felt really triggered one day and this came out.

does it make you feel?

pcc

[peirradash]

SCENE: Pain inside was looking for more pain outside.

She dove into her situation. Being caught up in the “here and now” that looked like a never ending cycle of pain. Pain within generating more pain without.

She wanted someone to pull her out of that cycle so bad…

Then God gave her a good friend who told her,

“You’re caught in a cycle of unfortunate events. You have to respect that the cycle isn’t a one way street. The denial of your role in the cycle is what’s keeping you there. Accept what you’re doing, recognize what you need to do better… then go do that.”

It was a hard truth to swallow in that moment but after the moment happened over and over again and the friends with the same message kept changing, she slowly realized that it was her personal lack of change that kept things the same no matter where she went or who she was with.

The subconscious idea keeping her from change was, “I don’t know if I can do it,” when it could have been, “I wonder what it would look like if I do.”

[peirradash]

protect your Self⁣

⁣

it’s easy to get caught up in energy that isn’t yours.⁣

⁣

𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦.