Hello lovelies…! I want to share a story.
(CW: misogyny, fatphobia, mention of r*pe)
When I was 18 I had to have a breast surgery (reduction). It went wrong, and they tried two more surgeries over the course of 5 years, which made things even worse. I got many little tumors in my breasts and I didn’t feel anything in my nipples, except sharp pain, when they got hard or something was touching them to strongly, like a bra. I lived with this pain for over 10 years. And my nipples were very displaced, because my skin was too soft to hold my breasts in place - this way they were way too high an no normal bra could cover them. The surgeon who did the three surgeries wanted to do another surgery to “correct” things, but I was so done. I told him “just remove the nipples please, I don’t care for them”. He refused, because it would turn me “ugly”. I was furious. I told him that I don’t care about his personal taste, that I just want to live painfree and that it was his fault in the first place that everything went wrong. He turned cold and escorted me out of his office. I then looked for 5 years for somebody who was willing to take off me the nipples and tumors, but every single surgeon declined. It must’ve been dozens I visited. And every visit went worse. One surgeon told me that I have to take responsibility as a future mother (without even knowing if I want to have children at all), another told me that no man would like to look at me again, and another one declined and said that I should take care of the rest of my disfigured body first before I should start worry about my chest. Nobody cared for the tumors or the pain. They all just didn’t want to be responsible to “damage” an object of men.
I cried through so many nights, both in physical and mental pain. I felt worthless. I felt that as a presenting woman, it is my duty to live in pain as long as I’m eye candy for potential men or milking machine for potential babies, that this is the truth and that nobody would ever empathize with me.
I hated my nipples more and more, not because they were so off and hurtful, but also what power they were awarded with, and what power they had over me. I hated societies wild, disgusting, weird, perverse glorification, sexualization and unalterable conjunction to the female presenting gender of nipples (as in: you can’t post pictures of your bare chest on socal medias if your chest looks female). And I hated that it made me live in pain.
But eventually I found a surgeon who was at least thinking about helping me. She was my first female surgeon, but she wasn’t particularly understanding. She tried to urge me into another correction, so that she could save the nipples, despite me emphasizing that they hurt and I just want a painfree life. She told me again and again that I will look ugly. “Your chest will look like a face without eyes”. I felt so patronized and helpless, I started to cry and felt even more embarrassed. Here I am, a 31 year old person, living in pain since 10+ years, a survivor of multiple sexual assaults as a child and teenager who couldn’t care less if she was sexually pleasing for men, and this stranger treats me like I’m a drunk 16 year old who just thought of getting a tattoo for the first time. Of course I know societies beauty standards! Of course I know that people apparently find it so ugly that they would rather force me into pain than creating a “hideous chest abomination”, as one doctor put it as a joke. Of course I have thought throughly about this for years! And now I have to “prove” myself again, over and over. And have to endure being treated like a dumb child who has no idea. Even though that I would pay her 7000€ for her work (and not for her opinion).
I told the doctor that I wasn’t even feeling like a cis woman, I never did - and that if men would puke when they undress me I would be thankful because then I’d know that he’s not a good person. That I photoshoped me without nipples over and over again to know how it’ll look eventually and that I find women with mastectomies beautiful and strong and inspiring. I just wanted her to do her job well and with confidence…
But you know, what made her decide to help me out in the end, or at least stopped her from pestering me?
She asked me if my best friend, who was with me, was my girlfriend. And when I said “yes” she immediately dropped all of her attempts to convince me of another surgery without removing the nipples.
I cried on my way home, both happy because I finally found someone who was willing to help me, but for the price of low key homophobia. (“oh she’s a lot course to men, well then I guess I can disfigure her”)
I had the surgery a month ago now. It all went well. The nurses were kind and I was treated with respect and kindness at the hospital. I’m still in a bit of pain, but only temporarily. I can already feel that I will have a pain free chest once everything healed completely.
And I’ve never felt this beautiful. I feel “whole”. And free. So wonderfully free. I haven’t got any dysphoria anymore.
I enjoy that my breasts aren’t sexualized that easily anymore. I feel like I’ve escaped some sort of shackles… I can post freely on social medias like presenting men now, without having the risk of getting killed digitally. I feel empowered. I feel like I’ve regained… how should I put it… mental autonomy? Like, if a horny man would undress me against my will, that he would be confused, disturbed and turned off and maybe, hopefully, find me even disgusting. I haven’t got a single dick pic/video since I’ve posted about my surgery on Instagram (I used to get so many) - instead I’ve attracted so many lovely encouraging, inspiring souls since then. I am so lucky…
I am so happy and proud that I pulled through it, that I fought for so many years and got up again, after every horrible sexistic, shaming encounter. And I hope I can help people who go through alike things by telling this story.
Screw twisted, toxic beauty standards. You are the only person you have to please. Every version of you is beautiful, no matter what anyone says. And your health and you feeling pain free it definitely more important than others beauty comfort.
Much love to all of you.
PS: If you’re interested in my healing journey, you’ll find a story highlight and some post from time to time on my instagram at Glasmond!
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