Personal Problems

Things you probably didn't want me sharing.

[pennyvents]

Fire Within the Water

Sometimes I take a DEEEEEPP inhale... like the ones that people take while they are crying... only I am not crying, and I am surprised by the sound of my own disparity of breathe. What I love about being a lunar Capricorn is that when I am facing emotional despair, I work harder than I ever have before... And yet when I am content, I still work. It’s because I am not good enough. I face rejection every day... in the form of self hatred that begin with my parents hating me.

The beauty of it is that I forget that I am in so much pain until I have something to compare it to... a song ghost peppers

being kicked in the face

...

I wouldn't have realized that I have emotions at all if not for realizing that these things

these awful things

make me feel at complete peace.

and why would I want to function correctly?

Why would I?

I feel that I was cursed with high energy, with high mental cognition, with a level that is narcissistically above the standard, which I don’t even want to be because I am not a narcissist... which is UNCOMFORTABLE for me... So I simply have to destroy myself... I have to. Because functioning within average ability allows me to blend in better and to feel normal. I like the way that other people are. I wish to be them. I wish to blend in. I wish to be the water and to surrender my physical form. I am nothing... nothing but primarily water... and there is nothing else that I intend to be... even if there is fire within the water.... It is what it is...

[pennyvents]

Only Gets Darker

When people start asking questions about my life... Truth is, you don't want to know. This is not a game, mother fucker. It is an awful story with no happy endings, no light at the end of the tunnel, no soft pillows. I am extremely distressed. And it’s not like I simply made bad decisions... for the most part, I make very good, responsible decisions. I am good with money, I plan everything ahead, and I just about never lose my integrity (at least I don’t think I have). I’m pretty responsible, I am kind... I do have a shit load of emotional baggage though. Part of the problem is that I always want to take responsibility for everything... because if I can see what I did wrong, then that means I can change it and create a better future for myself. I am more COMFORTABLE thinking that it must’ve been I who did something wrong... because that means that it is something that I can fix. I search and search and search, “What did I do?” “Someone please tell me what I did wrong?” and people who care about me, will tell me over and over again, “the only thing you did was choose to associate with a bad person.” “But it must be ME, I must be the bad person to deserve this!” Seems to be how my mind always works... wondering why I am suffering so much, and why the suffering only gets deeper and deeper as I go through life. I am really trying to make a change though. But perhaps I am one of those “lets press every button to try and find the one that works!” kind of people... Needless to say, this has given me lots of opportunities to experiment atrologically! I have studied all sorts of relationships first hand. Maybe this’ll help me become the world’s best astrologer one day, lol. When you are born into a bad situation, it is difficult to come out of.

[pennyvents]

Daily Tarot

July 18th Six of Swords A day of moving on spiritually and putting the past behind you. July 19th Eight of Wands Reversed I think this was saying that I still had some things to sort through before I can move forward.

[pennyvents]

My Weekend Tarot

July 16th The Devil Reverse As I was walking over to my tarot deck, I had this feeling that the day would be aggressive in a very positive way. Like I was going to go out and fulfill my desires and have things the way that I wanted them... it was a nice, warm feeling, but still very aggressive and enthusiastic. I pulled the deck out of its box, was about to shuffle, and that’s when the voice in my head told me ‘The one on top is for you.” So I was like “Really...? Ok then...” I picked it up and it was the devil reversed! How awful! I began to freak out a bit... like “Oh no, what on Earth am I going to encounter today...?” I was totally getting ready for the worst. Like, “Is someone gonna’ pull a gun on me in the parking lot? Am I gonna’ be able to protect my friends?” The voice in my head told me, almost enthusiastically, almost like they were excited for me “It’s not that bad. :)” Reassuring, ok... I believe you but I’m still ready for some shit... I wondered again, “What about drugs?” and I felt this very confident feeling that there would be an opportunity to do drugs today... yikes... but I was planning to go out dancing with my friends, and encountering people who use drugs at a night club is relatively common. Of course I didn’t do the drugs. I don’t want to do drugs. However, I did drink a good deal, and we had a BLAST. Probably the most fun I’ve ever had in my entire life! I basically did everything to please myself. Didn’t pay any attention to anyone else but me and my friends. Made sure we were all having a good time, made sure we were all drunk (yep, I got them some adios mother fuckers and it was adios mother fucker from there! lol). I did a few Fireball shots as well (I feel like that is relevant, with The Devil Reversed). Many guys came up to me and asked me to dance. My friend kept telling me that they were all looking at me, and I even saw a few dancing with their necks cranking over to the left (where I was). I just didn’t pay them no nevermind! I practically danced with my eyes closed and just enjoyed myself. When guys came up and asked me to dance I said “oh no thank you, I really just want to dance by myself”. My friends were asking me why I turned down so many cute guys... but I was totally happy with myself! It just felt good to be there and be dancing not to please anyone else, but just enjoying the Spanish music (my favorite) and embracing what is in my soul without looking for anyone else. Not trying to sell anyone anything, not trying to win them over... not feeling insecure when I am rejected... heck if anyone stuck their nose up at me, I did not notice.

I was a little bit rude to the more aggressive guys, but that’s not a big deal. Like if you go up to the girl that everyone’s been watching, and everyone is still watching, and she motions for you to leave... you really don’t want to stay around any longer, because people could see that and some guys were a little bit persistent.

But it was just my attitude that got me so much positive attention. I wasn’t any better looking than anyone else there. The devil reversed! Hah! Loved it! :P

July 17th Page of Wands Oh man, this was such a busy day and even just thinking about it makes me tired! I went to three different pool parties... I mean I said yes to everything... wanted to hang out with everyone... lol. My day was full of childlike fun, but also over-exerting myself a bit.

[pennyvents]

Daily Tarot

July 12th Three of Cups Reversed This day was about letting go. It is hard to say if it was really positive or negative, because part of it was letting go of hope... but hope in the sense of a fixation on how I want my future to be. Letting go of that, and giving up on certain things. This was brought on by feeling of depression and discouragement, but it felt like a relief to stop feeling so much attachment and resistance. July 13th Five of Wands Reversed Five of Wands upright is confrontation that I actually consider to be productive. Reversed, I felt it was more about internal battles and fighting with oneself. I feel like I had defeated myself in a handful of ways that day, but it also toughened me up. I had a fight with someone in my martial arts class on this day. I did try to reach a conclusion on this, but my instructor told me to not worry about it and just keep doing what I’m doing, and that really seemed to be the only solution... for both people involved to just change their mindset, and it didn’t seem to be anything that needed to (or really even could be) worked out externally. July 14th Knight of Cups Romance! Yay! Totally thought I was going to be swept off my feet or something this day, lol. I got invitations to a couple different parties. I apologized to someone for being so negative and bitchy the other day and told them I was feeling better... I really was just feeling better on this day. It’s like my heart had been healed. I tried searching for jobs online and was considering some new opportunities. I felt like positive things were coming, and I decided to not go back to the negative things so quickly (despite the pressure to do so, and to go to easier solutions). July 15th Two of Wands Was still dealing with depression! But why? What for? I think that’s what this card was asking me. What are you depressed for? Why are you ignoring the positive things, almost convincing yourself that they’re not even there. You have options, Penny! I showed up almost an hour late to hang out with my friends, because I felt like they were probably just gonna’ cancel on me or something... and these people haven’t even ever really done that to me before! I can’t think of one time when they have blown me off before, but somehow I was just convinced that they were going to and I waited until after I was already supposed to be there to get ready. Once I got there though, we had a blast! They are great people! Was happy to have all of us together again. :) (One of my friends was visiting from out of town with her daughter, and we all used to live in the same apartment complex so it was like a reunion). We discussed whether or not I should move (I have been planning to move, but my friends of course, and the people I do martial arts with, keep trying to talk me out of it), and what kind of job opportunities I should look for. Both of these friends I hung out with are Libras, so I guess it made sense that we were going over so many options together. Catching up, reflecting, remembering how this all started...

[pennyvents]

Tarot Cards

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, but lets not worry about that. Michelle Knight posted that to better connect with your tarot cards, you should draw one every day, just to see how your day is going to go, and that way you can learn more about that particular card all throughout the day. I liked this idea so I have been doing it every morning. (and by morning I mean afternoon... when I wake up... because it’s too damn hot for me to go outside during peak sunlight hours anyway... sunburn and all... anyway...) I believe it was on July 7th that I started this, and my first card was the Ace of Wands I consider this card to be kind of like the keys to the kingdom. An opportunity to grow and start on new endeavors. It was a very productive day. This day was also very physically active for me. I did a workout in addition to two hours of martial arts forms... so I was sweating quite a bit. I felt very optimistic about everything that was ahead for me. On the 8th, I got Ace of Wands Reversed And I was kind of like “Oh boy... -_-” I guess my optimism had died down, and I seemed to get discouraged very quickly. I figured this was also the tarot cards’ way of telling me “Nothing has changed, except for your mindset”. On the 9th... Queen of Pentacles Revered Wasn’t too happy to see this one either. I ended up receiving overdraft fees from my bank, because I had apparently run out of money in my checking account. Oh boy... reality sunk in a little deeper... I was actually quite stressed out. I don't know if this whole “not being a stripper” thing is going to work out for me. I was pretty discouraged. The 10th Queen of Swords At least the queen has her head above her feet this time. This card has so many meanings to me... there is really a lot to think about when I look at it. I do think it was a day of accepting my losses, reflecting in isolation, and trying to keep a level head on my shoulders while I allowed the ideas to flow. I felt I remembered my own advice and had a few epiphanies. The 11th... 8 of Wands Reversed 8 of wands up right can be a signal that everything is now out of your way, and it’s go time. Reversed, I felt that it was a day to clear out the brush, focus on getting rid of anything that was holding me back, and trying to sort things out psychologically. I have seriously been wanting to hypnotize myself to just forget all of the bad things that have happened to me.... I know there are quite a few problems that could arise if I did that... obviously I could make the same mistakes again. But why not? Why not just start over and do it all again as if I had never done it the first time? I am just trying to survive, dammit! That way I could pay my bills!!! Then I could just rinse and repeat... *sigh*... I had a very important discussion with my martial arts instructor. I appreciated it a lot... first of all it helps to have the perspective of a man I trust and look up to. Aside from that, he has seen a lot of what I have seen only through different eyes. He used to work security. When I got home and finished my work for the day (setting up things on my website and editing a video), I watch this show about magical elves on Netflix.... which I actually thought was helpful. I try very hard to only watch or listen to things (on the radio) that will help me... I strictly avoid anything where the female characters have no life purpose other than to get married, and I usually avoid unnecessarily dramatic things (drama that is just drama without lessons attached). I feel that this show was a good find. It is called, ‘The Shanara Chronicles’. This little half elf boy is so cute in his ability to only see the good in everyone... I imagine that is how I’d be if I brainwashed myself. There are bad people in the show, but essentially they all have to put their differences aside and work together to save the world. It is kind of like ‘Orange is the New Black’ in the sense that even the antagonists in the show get flipped around to have their stories told and to be understood and seen as real people who deserve compassion. So I supposed I am trying to do that... I am trying to see eye to eye with the bad guys in my life... I am trying to find a point of productivity, where things are not hurting me so much.

[pennyvents]

My New Philosophy: Everything is Fair

It is so aggravating when we hear someone say “life isn’t fair” or “nothing is fair”; and after thoroughly thinking about all of the things that I consider to be unfair, I’ve started to think that it’s probably not even true. A lot of times, we just don’t understand all of the checks and balances that go into things. When it comes down to it, everyone is just trying to satisfy their hunger, and some people have a stronger hunger than others. Everyone has a taste for something different. Some of us are hungry for a kind, peaceful world where we all share and encourage each others. Others are hungry to be able to tell everyone else what to do, and not have to give a fuck about anyone but themselves. We all just want different things. ...and that is fair. How badly we want them dictates how hard we try to get them, and all of that eventually leads to whether we fail or succeed. Now, some of us are not as certain about what we want as we may think we are. There are times when the kind, sharing, caring people will say “Fuck this! I do all of that for other people and get nothing in return?!” Well, that aggravation indicates that you would rather be able to control other peoples’ actions, and it makes you question if you are playing for the wrong side. It brings out the little part of you that is greedy... because you need to eat. From age 14, I began to understand the need to eat as an evil that we all just had to accept. We are taking lives to support our own; it is brutal and yet it is innocent. We are all just trying to survive. If a plant grows within our reach (or if we find a way to get within reach of it) then it is fair for us to eat it... we have no understanding of how or if the plant made any decisions about where it would grow, but we do know our own side of the story. One of the most seemingly random, unfair things that can happen is for someone to be killed in a car accident that was not caused by them. This is the kind of thing that drive me nuts, because I have no idea how to justify it. There are a few pieces I can begin to put together though: Every time we get on the road, or anywhere near a vehicle, we are accepting the possibility of being hit. By simply living in a society where most of us rely on vehicles for transportation, and often travel at high speeds to get somewhere faster, we are accepting the risk that we will end up killing or being killed in the process. Most of us come out of it just fine, but it is a risk we took as a collective. Some of us have to die. As far as who dies and why it happened to them specifically, I have no explanation, but maybe I simply do not understand it yet, and maybe there’s something here that you don’t understand either. Every day we discover new things, and maybe there is something you read in this blog post that you didn’t know three minutes ago; that’s how quickly a realization can overcome you. When I think like this, I feel like there is no point in arguing against the world and the way it works so much... it has been that way for far longer than I have been here, and I am better off waiting and listening for the answers than arguing against the process just because I don’t understand it yet. Accepting a lesson is the hard part, and it often ignites a feeling of resentment. Every time something bad happens to you, it is an opportunity to learn and improve. Do you accept that challenge? When someone tricks you into doing something, it is because they outsmarted you. It is because you had poor judgement of character. It is because you let them do it. It is because they wanted something badly enough in order to use deceit to get it. You now know what type of person they are and will be better prepared for the next time you meet this type of person. It is our fault when we let someone do something that makes us angry. What can you do?

Nothing?

No.

There is always something that you can do. You could become a lawyer or a police officer to fight for justice. You could hire a lawyer or call the police. Or, if you really wanted to, you could become a criminal... but most of us don’t want to... and that is fair... that is good. Probably because none of us want to be murdered, and we tend to behave the way that we want other people to behave in hopes that it’ll work out well for us... and a lot of times it does. Why do we let people lead us when we feel that they are “unfair”? Why don’t we back up a leader who is fair? Sometimes we just don’t know who to trust, and many of us do not want to be the leader. So, it is fair. If you don’t want to be leader, then it is fair that you get bossed around. Maybe the key to feelings that life is fair, is to have clearly (and sincerely) defined goals and desire, and also to understand other people a little bit better. If you don’t like the company you work for, then start your own. It takes a lot of hard work, and you may fail, but that is fair because it is the same risk that every CEO had to take. Whatever result you get when taking a risk is fair. Whatever you are willing to accept in your life is fair. There is always a way to change the results. Don’t burn out resources if you want to be able to use them in the future.

[pennyvents]

The Story of a Year

I came a long way this year, and I don't know how to really share it. Mostly because there are some things I can't share, and things that I feel like I could never explain. I could never explain the amount of physical and emotional pain that I went through, nor can I clarify the amount of happiness I have been blessed with. I started out pretty scared, and the only thing I had going for me was a seven month old baby. Lately I don’t even know what to say. As far as social media goes, I have pretty much been hiding in a dark little cavern deep within the 12th house. I don’t feel comfortable talking about my life anymore, for a few reasons. My primary concern has been privacy and preventing people from stalking me. Other than that, I wonder if anyone on here will ever even really see who the fuck I am... I guess the point (of mediums like Youtube) is that you’re not really supposed to... Typically, a Youtuber would simply be a character that is played. Hopefully people will like the character and the channel will become popular. People do what sells, because everything in life is a sale. I, however, have spent my entire life (until recently) AVOIDING the concept of sales and just trying to be myself no matter how hard it was to do so. But then I realized that I don’t have to be myself... I am a blob of jelly and I can be anything I want to be. So in a way, “being myself” is setting LIMITS on myself. Do you get what I am saying? Many doors opened all around. Sometimes, for a short while, I wonder if the person I was before is still left within me at all... but I think that’s a silly question. People don’t change, we just didn’t have the limitations that we thought we did. We open up and become more. A lot of this was very difficult for me. I grew my eyebrows back... I grew my fucking eyebrows back. After nearly a decade of expressing myself through my makeup, I got to the point where I needed a well paying job bad enough to decide that having eyebrows just might be worth it. #Mature It didn’t change who I actually am; it just changed the body that I am living in. The irony is that the more I become the person that people want to be around, the person that will sell, the person who is in a nice shell (physically attractive), then the more shallow people I attract who do not see things the way that I see them AT ALL. (maybe I can teach them...) I don’t see a body. I don’t see a face, because having one is not what is important to me. It’s almost like all of this is just a little game we play... reality is a game, where we get on stage and fake it for a short little while before we go back to the infinite land from which we came. All that matters here is survival. All that matters here is enjoyment. It’s only a cabaret. It isn’t that long a stay... So, what have I lost? I feel I have lost the idea that what I physically look like actually matters to me. I feel like I lost the ability to take flattery seriously, and I am grateful for that. I’ve gained a whole lot though. Now, for the repeat of my story, since it’s been a full year now... On May 25th of 2014, I packed up and left my husband. I drove across the country with a cat and a 7 month old baby girl. I didn’t know where to land. I chose Austin, Texas. I soon found out that my reason for choosing Austin, Texas was completely stupid, but I liked it here anyway. I went for walks daily, I quietly hung out at the pool with my little one, I very slowly made friends. I took one little step at a time, one month at a time. For the majority of this year, I just barely managed to afford the things that were essential to our survival. For the majority of this year, I suffered through the smallest of tasks. When I first got here, I had absolutely no help and no one to fall back on if and when I was in trouble. I held my baby while doing laundry, at the laundromat. I carried her up with all my luggage, in and out of hotels until we had an apartment. Most days, it really didn’t feel like I was going to make it through. My parents bought me a stroller around October or September. Other than that, they didn’t do anything other than make me feel shitty about myself, make me cry, and terrify me out of ever letting them into my life again. People who were true friends got me through. And nobody is perfect, but as long as they are not so monstrous that it is impossible to have a healthy experience with them, then I still let them back into my life. There are people who abuse their kids on a daily basis. There are people who only care to take what they can from others, because they are too stuck on trying to win this game that we call “reality”. I assure you, once we leave this place, how many Youtube subscribers we had will not matter. It will be all about how much we loved. I realized that I don’t really have much of a desire to even be on Youtube. I don’t feel comfortable in the public eye. But I developed a pretty amazing life that no one can see from the internet. My life is HERE, in person. It is special and it is almost a secret. I got my first normal job (which was not worth having at all), and then I got a better job after that. A job that makes me very, very happy, and allows me to always make my daughter my number one priority. Nothing about this year came easily to me, not one thing, but all of it was worth it. It’s like I’ve grown this wonderful, ginormous forest of flowers and fruits. I don’t know if I will ever be married again, and I don’t know how much easier things will get or if they’ll ever be this rough again, but I know that I do my best and that I am happy. Maybe I don’t need to have a normal family, with a husband and a house. My soul is free. My life feels whole.

[pennyvents]

Things That Never Stop Hurting

There are a variety of things on my mind that all fall under the category: “I want to cry”. It can become so hard to talk to someone you’ve broken up with when you still have a kid with them. I don’t know if the part of me that wants to make it work will ever fully go away. I was trying to tell myself just to worry about myself and not think about what anyone else is missing out on, but the thing is that it hurts me too. I look at my daughter and know that she is half me and half her father. I was not the one who decided for us to break up, or decided that he was not any good for us. He is the one that said those things, and I feel like he fulfilled the prophecy. Even now, every time he says something nasty, every time I feel he threatens to take something away from Jade and I (particularly our piece of mind, as if he can use it as leverage), I believe him when he said that we deserved better. Then I feel like an idiot when there is still a part of me wanting to tell him we can be friends, just so that hopefully, maybe he can be in Jade’s life. The anniversary of our separation, and our marriage, is coming up soon. Something about that day has always been a decision making day for what happens between him and I. When I first moved here, I did it with the intention that we would take some time apart and then hopefully he would join Jade and I here, where we would buy a house or atleast a bigger rental home. He immediately shot down the possibility of that and insisted on divorce, although he apparently didn’t mean it because he still never sent me any papers. It seems like he says a lot of hurtful things just to try and get a reaction out of me. And now I am a relationship with someone who has really never taken me for granted, never treated me poorly, and always tries to be the best he can to me. Someone who Jade has grown to love as well, but I don’t think that would replace her FATHER (if he were even present...). If my boyfriend seems to consistently treat Jade and I better than her father did, then why should I bother? Blood just seems inescapable, and I guess I have the same pain when it comes to my own parents. I think I’ve atleast learned not to let it bother me as much, but it still hurts me. It only hurts me more when I keep trying to fix it though, and yet none of it ever gets fixed. I fantasize that he could move here, we could live as neighbors and friends, he could see Jade consistently, he would try to be the best father than he could instead of just using all of his energy to try and hurt me, and that he wouldn’t mind that I have a boyfriend now... but he keeps telling me that he doesn’t want me to ever talk to him again. So, as always, what he does is just not my decision. My decision was to move here, back to my home state, and live the life that I wanted to live. Do I even need to worry about whether or not he ever sees Jade again? It’s out of my control. He made no effort to move here, and as far as I know he has not made any real effort to save up money in order to travel here either. There’s no reason why he should not be able to afford it; I know how much money he makes and how frivolously he spends it. A lot of people point out that I moved so far away from him, but that was only after FOUR YEARS of FOLLOWING HIM EVERYWHERE. Once you no longer have a reason to do that kind of shit, and sacrifice your own life to be with someone who is in the military, then you really don’t want to anymore. Even if I stayed closeby, he would only have to keep moving again and again. That is the way that it is. Would I follow someone forever, even when that person wants nothing to do with me? Fuck no. Why WOULD I do that?

[pennyvents]

The Battle is Self Worth

It means a lot to me that there are people out there who will not let me lose this battle. I feel empowered, and I feel a light-hearted joy from the people who have made my struggles worthwhile. My daughter, first and foremost. My WoW friends, my astrology friends, my neighborhood friends, my co-workers... The comfortable and supportive arms I come home to every day (my boyfriend). I’ve never been stronger, though there are still lessons left to learn... things I need to know how to overcome. In the things I have put up with all my life, the real battle has been with self-worth. The things I have allowed to happen to myself, because I did not feel entitled to anything. I didn’t realize that I deserved better, and there are plenty of people out there who still don’t. You feel modest, you feel shy, you feel like an inconvenience.. the people who make you feel this way are inconveniencing YOU, and you just care about their FEELINGS too much to allow them to feel guilt or shame over what they are doing to you. How ridiculous is that? Fuck that noise. You are the star of your own life. You are the person who keeps you alive. Appreciate only the people who show you the same amount of appreciation.

[pennyvents]

Mean Girls Style Apology Handout

We're nearing the end of Saturn in Scorpio, and I would like suck all the poison out of my life. Everyone I know who has this natal placement is adverse to apologizing. They don't accept apologies well either. They probably won't take kindly to this blog post, but I feel it is necessary. To me, a public apology means a lot more. I would like to admit my wrong doings to the whole world, and hopefully we all can learn and become more understanding people. This doesn't mean that the people who I am apologizing to were not also in the wrong. Hell no. I am not a scapegoat for your responsibility; you still need to be a good person. I think I was just fucked up from the beginning, as a child. I can't remember why. Was I born fucked up due to being Hitler in a past life? Or was it something my parents did when I was too young to even retain a memory? I do not know, but I can't really blame them for what I do not know. My earliest memories are of age two and I do remember feeling like it did not matter if I was hungry. I do remember I always had a flashback of a sensation of crying, screaming, and violence whenever I entered a certain part of my walk-in closet. I don't know why, and I can't blame anyone. I find it hard to believe that any child would be born evil...

I was a mean little girl, and that is where I am going to start. To the Aries I was friends with in elementary school... For some stupid reason, I thought that I was better than everyone else, and I've since learned that that is not true. I'm sorry for treating you like you were less than me. I'm sorry for being a bratty little egomaniac. I looked up to you a lot, because you were awesome, and I liked that you were the leader of our group. I'm also sorry that I bit you, but you wouldn't stop poking me and you had your warning... Still, I felt horrible about that. I still feel horrible about it. To the Blonde Gemini I was friends with in elementary school... I'm sorry for bullying you. I honestly can't understand why I did it, but it was always some kind of ass backwards show of endearment (I honestly know that much... I liked you but I noticed you seemed very susceptible to bullying... you just let me do it... and I saw other people bullying you too... part of me wants to say it was "tough love" and I was just too young and stupid to know that tough love is bullshit). My bullying you never had anything to do with the way you looked and it wasn't because there was something wrong with you.  I was exercising the cruelty that I knew I could get away with. Now, when I got older and people started bullying ME, it was because I had a big nose... and I still have a big nose, so HAH, jokes on me. I'm not apologizing to the other red heads I was friends with because they were mean just like I was, and I don't really remember anything I did to them that was wrong. Red heads are crazy, but for the most part I think we were except from each others' cruelty... It did hurt my feelings when you wouldn't sign my yearbook though, I mean we'd been friends since age 2... wtf...

I am sorry for being the most mean red-head though. Sorry.

To everyone I went to elementary school with... I am sorry for always talking about how I wanted to kill myself and my evil plots to clone myself during recess.

To the Indian girl I was friends with in 6th grade... I honestly can't remember anything I did to you, but I'm sure it was something. One thing I can remember that I am sorry for is not sticking up for you when you were being bullied in orchestra class. I felt this sinking feeling and I knew that what they were saying was hurting you, but I was a pansy and I didn't speak up. Also, thank you for still being my partner in theatre even though I sucked and everyone knew I sucked and they told you you should find a better partner. Seriously, that was amazing and people like you are rare. Also, my Mexican friend from 6th grade, if you were subject to any of my usual crazy, bitchy cruelty then I apologize to you as well. Again, I don't remember.

But I am sorry for ditching you both for... The Scorpio I was friends with in 7th grade... I'm sorry I flipped shit and started bitching you out all of a sudden. I was bitter that you kept stealing away all the guys that I liked (because you were prettier than me and they actually liked you back), I was jealous, I was sick of holding your purse, and my parents were always saying bad things about you and it did get to me eventually. I'm also kind of sorry for hogging your Sims game when I came over to your house. To the Virgo I was friends with in 8th grade... I'm sorry for ignoring you and playing your video games when you invited me over to your house. Then, when I invited you over, I did the same damn thing but with my video games... Yep, it was fucked up. I respect you for refusing to put up with my crap and leaving. What's worse though, is that instead of apologizing and trying to become a better person, I just wallowed in self-pity (because I didn't have any friends left).

Sorry to anyone else who put up with my crap in middle school. I'm sincerely sorry I took my problems more seriously than anyone else's.

I'm sorry to anyone I bullied online. I was badly bullied by someone known as 'Vitz' and it took me a while to stop... seeking revenge on the world itself? I have no idea what I was doing, but I started bullying everyone after that happened. Maybe I was trying to conquer and rebuild my own ego by hurting others. To my 9th grade science teacher I am sorry for walking out of class. I don't know if you got in trouble for it, but you seemed stressed out. I had a lot going on, and some kind of weird calling to be free and run away, so I did it and you just happened to be there... To my 9th grade English teacher This is a weird apology, but I am sorry I bought you that Edgar Allen Poe figurine at the beginning of the year, because things just got awkward after that. I honestly just couldn't resist getting it for you, and I wasn't expecting special treatment or anything like that... I just hadn't thought it through. To all my teachers I'm sorry for almost never doing my homework, showing up late, sleeping during class, etc. I just caught on very quickly to what you were teaching, so you clearly did a good job, but then I felt I didn't have to put any effort in. I can't remember much else I did wrong around that age. To my mom... I'm sorry for telling you that I hated you. I'm sorry for hitting back. I'm sorry for confronting you about what really happened, because I know you don't want to face it. I'm sorry I can't phrase things in more gentle ways. To my friend Kyle... I'm sorry for hardly saying anything to you on your last birthday! I got in a fight with my parents and was too consumed by that. I've been meaning to send you something.. To Gustavo... You have given up a lot for me. You've been the best person in the world to me. I'd still be spending every day of my life crying in a corner if not for you. I don't like to give people credit for my own "accomplishments", I don't like to act as if someone else is my savior, but really you are, and I honestly do believe I'd be in the fetal position right now if not for you coming into my life and doing so much for me. It doesn't matter that you did a million things wrong, because everything you did for me that was right, means the world to me. I am SORRY for making sacrifices that you did not want me to make, because all I cared about was being with you. I am sorry for punching you in the face. I am sorry for being lazy and selfish some days. I am sorry that we can't break up without feelings being hurt. I am sorry that I took our truck (which you bought with your money), our baby, our cat, and made all your fears come to life, but you wanted me to do it and I'm sorry that for some reason you just have to go through this (the same way that I just have to go through it... because really we've both been facing a whole lot of bullshit and I think these are lessons we wouldn't be learning any other way). Is there anything else I'm sorry for? I'm sorry for being too comfortable and content, without really growing up (until now... which is part of the reason why I had to leave you). I'm sorry I took your laptop! Yeah, seriously... I'm sorry I spent so much of your money. I love you, I will always love you, and I DO NOT think little of you. I hate to say it because it sounds so fucked up, but you have reached God status with me. I just can't be married to God anymore, because I need to learn to save myself. ... and to anyone reading this, yes I really just referred to my ex as God. I'm sorry if that offends you. To the Libra with Moon in Taurus... I'm sorry for being so competitive. I was doing it because I wanted to push you to make your videos. I wanted you to stop using everything you could possibly find as an excuse not to make videos. I know you didn't like it, but it was meant to motivate you and essentially it did even though I had to become your enemy in order to do it. You said I wasn't helping you, but I think I finally helped. You honestly were not accepting help from a friend or a fan, and you have always benefit more from having enemies... which, I won't lie, is disturbing, and I wish it wasn't this way. To my friend that I do the nice nasty with... (nice nasty is just an inside joke; it doesn't really mean anything) I am sorry that I stopped talking to you while I was too busy arguing with... The Cancer I had casual sex with... I think I can summarize everything by saying that I am sorry for having sex with you while I'm still technically married and not emotionally capable of a relationship. I asked you if you thought that you'd regret having sex with me, and I asked you that because I knew you would and then I did it anyway. I knew you would regret it, and I did it anyway. It wasn't my plan, but I ended up wanting to take your affection and use it to feel good about myself. I was trying to suppress the things that I wanted in order to avoid hurting you, and I don't think it helped either one of us. I tried to want whatever you wanted, and it got me hurt.

To the Cancer I met at a bar... I am sorry I didn't pay for my half of dinner... I don't know if there is really anything wrong with this, but it made me feel like a jerk. If you ever want to go out again, I will pay next time.

[pennyvents]

Healing Spell of the Heart

Hearts are muscles, made for healing,

Tides are turning, but only feelings,

We suffer through the damage dealings,

Yet relinquish gems they are revealing.

Muscle tissue repairs, Hearts hold all that they can bear,

That moment that isn't fair, Make it even: Do we dare?

Dig and find what's really there, Love and Truth; we weren't aware

Angels regenerate after they drink, the bitterness that made their hearts sink. Whisper remorse with a kiss and a wink.

After a beating, Needless miss-treating,

Leave without retreating Win without defeating.

Part of love is believing.

[pennyvents]

People are Replaceable

(This post is for anyone who throws people out of their lif whenever there is a disagreement or a problem they want to avoid... don't try to apply it to situations that have been bad for an extended period of time)

The point of this post is very contrasting, and I'm not sure how I will manage to get my point across, but here it goes... You can find someone born on the same day as you. You can find another white girl with Virgo rising who's a single mom and works as an astrologer.... there is another out there. No two people are exactly the same, but all anyone ever looks for anyway is someone to fill the gap in our hearts. That gap can be filled pretty easily, but it cannot easily be filled completely... there will be empty spaces. Some people will make you feel completely empty. Some people, that I would say we are meant to be with, will make you feel satisfied (for the most part) but you won't really feel whole until you have kids with them. Sometimes the relationship falls through the cracks when you do have kids though, because honestly it is tough raising kids. And then there are couples who never feel the need to have kids... but anyway, that is not my point... The point is that people are replaceable when all we care about is filling a space. When we turn and run from relationships, we skip out on a lesson. Each relation that we have in ours lives forces us to see different parts of ourselves, and look at ourselves in different ways. You could find someone born on the same day I was (maybe even the exact moment) and they would affect you in the same way that I do (for the most part... because behavior is a choice). However, if you were to do that, maybe because something I did pissed you off and you wanted to give up on me... then all you would be throwing away is the time that you spent on me. You will find that same problem with a different person. You'll only have had to start over, and it will take you longer to get to that exact same point that you were already at with me. The lesson will not go away. It'll keep coming back for you. So why replace people? Why not accept the challenge now?

[pennyvents]

1 Month in Numerology

I just wanted to give a quick update on what this has been like for me so far. First of all, it is awesome to be "at the end of a cycle" and I am really feeling ready to take some risks. I've been watching Jade, and I always take note of how she just gets right back to doing what she was trying to do even if she falls. I am less afraid of falling now too. The bad thing about this month is that I am feeling sooo restless. I just need someone to force me to relax so I can roll over and have my belly scratched... did I just type that out loud? >.< How embarrassing. Hopefully some friends will help me out with that, even if they don't want to rub my belly. :) We could go out and get some drinks or something. Or just sit. Or something.

[pennyvents]

How to Attract Men

The fact that I was cool enough to go out drinking with my older sister and her friends may have went to my head a little bit. However, the line of men waiting to talk to us (we were a pack of Leo women plus one Aries... watch the fuck out!) was even worse for my self-esteem. I view it as a vicious cycle... ego goes up and then it comes crashing down (or maybe it just hurts to have any reason to value other peoples' opinions...). However, that is beside the point. I learned that there are plenty of crabs at the beach. There are other animals too (sheep, bulls, twins, lions, virgins, inanimate objects, scorpions, centaurs, goats with fish tails, people who think that transporting water makes them God, and fishies), but I tend to ignore all of those. Anyway, here are my tips... Step 1: Don't look your best. In fact, the better you look, the more drunk they will need to be in order to work up the courage to talk to you. If you are not in a bar or club setting... and people are not drinking, then you need to be wearing sweat pants. If you want to wear regular clothes, then make sure you have at least one stain so that your ability to dress yourself won't scare off men. Protip: Wear yoga pants, but avoid expensive brands. You can advertise your butt without looking too threatening if you simply wear yoga pants. Step 2: Do something that separates you from the crowd. Men want you to be just different enough to allow them to believe that there was something special about you that drew them to you. This doesn't really make much sense, but YOLO or something... Protip: Wear red. Men are like bulls, and you are the fucking matador. You could also do something a bit different with your makeup or wear something unique. Don't be afraid to express yourself via fashion.

Step 5: If you are out for a night of fun, make sure that you are HAVING fun. Everyone will want a slice of your fun. If you are living your regular, everyday life... I find that it doesn't matter, as long as you follow tips 1 and 2. Step 4: Make eye contact. Because this makes them feel less fucking insecure. Step 5: Recognize the attention that you are getting and know that you are fucking beautiful. Most men, and most people in general are insecure; the more insecure that both parties (both you and your suitor) are, then the less likely it is that anyone is going to make a move.

Step 6: This should technically be step 1, but.. Take care of your health. Makeup does not matter. What your face looks like doesn't matter either. Most of the time when I get hit on, I am not even wearing makeup (I don't have eyebrows, and honestly I thought that would creep people out... apparently it doesn't). Healthy is what is really appealing. Protip: use natural products that are good for your skin and hair. Herbalife's lip refiner is my secret weapon for healthy lips. (also you can watch the tutorial for my lip care regime here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdJrDf_cy30) Moisturize after you wash your face. If your legs are showing. put lotion on them. Find the shampoo and conditioner that work best for your hair (Argan Oil is really good for your hair, FYI). If you can't keep your skin clear (I sure as hell can't) then don't worry... I do use a spot-concealing pencil to quickly hide my acne when I don't have time to do my makeup, but having acne is not the end of the world. Be spiritually healthy as well. Try to keep yourself feeling good. I think the most important part of exercising is the way it makes you feel. I actually spend more time stretching after I work out than I do actually working out, because stretching feels amazing.

[pennyvents]

If the irony of a dramatic cluster fuck that I should have seen coming is the kind of thing that makes you chuckle, then it's kind of funny that I leave my husband only to trample my way through one mess after the next. The idea was to grow as a person and possibly get something better from life (not necessarily better than him because I'm not going to knock a person's worth, but better for me). I did grow. I did learn shit. I found my own survival instincts. Mercury is retrograde, the sun is conjunct Venus, and I am at the point where I am ready to give up and say "Ok, I'm done pretending to be an adult." Learning to be an adult is part of my Saturn square; we all go through it in our early 20's. I think I manage to fool some people into thinking I'm independent. Most people think I am very responsible for my age and they are shocked to realize that I'm only 22. Well, I think this is only the way that I seem, because I am so lost and so irresponsible and so confused about life. I am so happy that I have Jade and I do everything I can to try and give her something normal, stable-ish, and keep her happy. She is at least happy. Despite how much I guilt-trip myself, she is a happy baby. She is going to technically be a toddler soon (I think) if not already. I fucking got lost walking home today. In the neighborhood I grew up in, on a route I have walked probably a thousand times, I got lost. Why did I get lost? How did I get lost? Because I am not HERE my head is not in reality at all. It is so far gone into the 12th house that there is no bringing me back. I am clumsy. I screw everything up. I will probably cry after screwing things up too. And then someone fucking yells at me. In some alternate universe, I am crying right now. I am sitting in a corner crying, instead of writing this fucking blog. Part of me is doing that. That is how I feel on the inside. This is what is trapped within me, yet never gets expressed. Somebody hold me. Somebody fucking help me clean up the spilled milk because I cannot handle it right now. I just feel like I've spent my entire life faaalllliiiinnngg through looney-ville and every once in a while, grabbing onto a tree branch and taking only a moment to catch my breathe before I faaallllll again. I can't mock myself enough. I am so far gone. How is this even an incarnation? How does this qualify as being on Earth?! lol I have a body, man, I have a fucking body. I am not kidding. I straight up read a street name, stared the sign square in the eyes, knew it was where I was supposed to turn onto, and SOMEHOW IT DID NOT REGISTER IN MY BRAIN. I am not kidding. Something there just did not click. I kept going. I spent about 20minutes wondering if I was going the wrong way and I'm just like 'naahhh'. Everything looks the same when you can't see in the first place. I cannot see reality. I am zoned way out. I've had some stuff I've had to deal with. The most important thing that I have to deal with is myself. Luckily, other people in my life have been handing me mirrors. All kinds of fancy, different types of mirrors through which I can see myself. Maybe they have the same problems I have, or maybe they are just aware that my behaviors are not helping me. Either way, I need these other people keeping me in check. Slap me and tell me to wake up, because I've been in the 12th house for the past 22 years.

[pennyvents]

Self-Defeating (I am the dragon and the princess)

I am messed up right now and I don't have a better explanation than the transits. I really don't. Was it my divorce that sent me off the deep end? Was it life as a solo, working mom? Was it the betrayal of my only friend in the area? I feel like every time I get up, life just smacks me in the face again. The cold concrete is starting to feel good against my cheek. I lay here thinking "I should get up." "I should do X, Y, and Z." "I have a plan." "I know I can succeed."

Yet all I care about right now is the cool sensation against my cheek and I really just wish someone would come along and pound my teeth into the ground. Go ahead and do it. I am waiting for the hammer.

I will not mind one bit.

I'm done playing this game. Master life path numbers supposedly have amazing potential. POTENTIAL

POTENTIAAALLLL.... that doesn't get used in the way you would like to see it be used. We have this magnificent potential to FUCK UP OUR LIVES AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Sorry to let you down. Yes you sir, over there, with the 22 life path... you suck... you fucking suck!!! What the hell are you doing with your life?!?!?! I made plans. I'm all like "k guys, I'm gonna' build something" and then I'm just like "naaahhh I don't feel like it. What's the use?!?!" Months of planning. Months of fucking planning. I THINK I'LL JUST BE A HOBO BECAUSE I'M WORN OUT.

Other people rely on me, so I am forced to function. I carry on like a fucking zombie. I don't want people to need me, because I am the one that needs them, right?!?! Let me NEED you! Or just let me use you. You're a tool. 22s are a bunch of sorry saps who just need love. It's literally all we care about. If we don't have love and strong companionship then we will do nothing other than sit there crying about life... if we decide to do anything at all, it's nothing other than a desperate attempt to win love. Yes, love me!!!! If I build this, will you love me?!?! Please just love me because my tears are going to plaster these two bricks together for you. I can't actually cry, but that's not the point. I don't cry, I just hurt REALLY, REALLY bad. All I feel is pain that I can't figure out how to react to. Sometimes we just want to fool ourselves into feeling like we have some sort of control. For me personally, when I see enough people screwing up my life, my mental state, my well-being (in any way), I just grab a hammer and join in. I insist on taking myself down first, because I was astrologically programmed to self-destruct. My hidden secret is pride, and I will proudly destroy myself. I'd rather go down because it's what I wanted. I had a phase that made me enjoy overcoming obstacles, and that lasted a few years. Right now I think I am done. I am back to square one. I'm going back to Azeroth, to alcohol, to tearing down all my fucking walls as the people around me try to hold them together. This is a more fun game, right? I just can't stop. This is what happens when I stop. When I don't stop, I can apparently end up in the ER (from being too stressed out), because unfortunately I am human. When I do stop, however, and I try to calm down or unwind... I don't just unwind, I UNRAVEL. I get sucked into this vortex. I don't calm down, I fall down and I stay down. I'm really sick of trying to function. It's just not working. Nothing works out like I plan. I'm heart-broken, disappointed, and overcome with negativity. I'm not on my own side right now. I'm just trying to defeat myself. It's ridiculous.