Mean Girls Style Apology Handout
We're nearing the end of Saturn in Scorpio, and I would like suck all the poison out of my life.
Everyone I know who has this natal placement is adverse to apologizing. They don't accept apologies well either. They probably won't take kindly to this blog post, but I feel it is necessary.
To me, a public apology means a lot more. I would like to admit my wrong doings to the whole world, and hopefully we all can learn and become more understanding people.
This doesn't mean that the people who I am apologizing to were not also in the wrong. Hell no. I am not a scapegoat for your responsibility; you still need to be a good person.
I think I was just fucked up from the beginning, as a child. I can't remember why. Was I born fucked up due to being Hitler in a past life? Or was it something my parents did when I was too young to even retain a memory? I do not know, but I can't really blame them for what I do not know.
My earliest memories are of age two and I do remember feeling like it did not matter if I was hungry. I do remember I always had a flashback of a sensation of crying, screaming, and violence whenever I entered a certain part of my walk-in closet.
I don't know why, and I can't blame anyone.
I find it hard to believe that any child would be born evil...
I was a mean little girl, and that is where I am going to start.
To the Aries I was friends with in elementary school...
For some stupid reason, I thought that I was better than everyone else, and I've since learned that that is not true. I'm sorry for treating you like you were less than me. I'm sorry for being a bratty little egomaniac.
I looked up to you a lot, because you were awesome, and I liked that you were the leader of our group.
I'm also sorry that I bit you, but you wouldn't stop poking me and you had your warning... Still, I felt horrible about that.
I still feel horrible about it.
To the Blonde Gemini I was friends with in elementary school...
I'm sorry for bullying you. I honestly can't understand why I did it, but it was always some kind of ass backwards show of endearment (I honestly know that much... I liked you but I noticed you seemed very susceptible to bullying... you just let me do it... and I saw other people bullying you too... part of me wants to say it was "tough love" and I was just too young and stupid to know that tough love is bullshit).
My bullying you never had anything to do with the way you looked and it wasn't because there was something wrong with you. I was exercising the cruelty that I knew I could get away with.
Now, when I got older and people started bullying ME, it was because I had a big nose... and I still have a big nose, so HAH, jokes on me.
I'm not apologizing to the other red heads I was friends with because they were mean just like I was, and I don't really remember anything I did to them that was wrong. Red heads are crazy, but for the most part I think we were except from each others' cruelty...
It did hurt my feelings when you wouldn't sign my yearbook though, I mean we'd been friends since age 2... wtf...
I am sorry for being the most mean red-head though. Sorry.
To everyone I went to elementary school with...
I am sorry for always talking about how I wanted to kill myself and my evil plots to clone myself during recess.
To the Indian girl I was friends with in 6th grade...
I honestly can't remember anything I did to you, but I'm sure it was something. One thing I can remember that I am sorry for is not sticking up for you when you were being bullied in orchestra class. I felt this sinking feeling and I knew that what they were saying was hurting you, but I was a pansy and I didn't speak up.
Also, thank you for still being my partner in theatre even though I sucked and everyone knew I sucked and they told you you should find a better partner. Seriously, that was amazing and people like you are rare.
Also, my Mexican friend from 6th grade, if you were subject to any of my usual crazy, bitchy cruelty then I apologize to you as well. Again, I don't remember.
But I am sorry for ditching you both for...
The Scorpio I was friends with in 7th grade...
I'm sorry I flipped shit and started bitching you out all of a sudden. I was bitter that you kept stealing away all the guys that I liked (because you were prettier than me and they actually liked you back), I was jealous, I was sick of holding your purse, and my parents were always saying bad things about you and it did get to me eventually.
I'm also kind of sorry for hogging your Sims game when I came over to your house.
To the Virgo I was friends with in 8th grade...
I'm sorry for ignoring you and playing your video games when you invited me over to your house. Then, when I invited you over, I did the same damn thing but with my video games... Yep, it was fucked up. I respect you for refusing to put up with my crap and leaving.
What's worse though, is that instead of apologizing and trying to become a better person, I just wallowed in self-pity (because I didn't have any friends left).
Sorry to anyone else who put up with my crap in middle school.
I'm sincerely sorry I took my problems more seriously than anyone else's.
I'm sorry to anyone I bullied online. I was badly bullied by someone known as 'Vitz' and it took me a while to stop... seeking revenge on the world itself? I have no idea what I was doing, but I started bullying everyone after that happened. Maybe I was trying to conquer and rebuild my own ego by hurting others.
To my 9th grade science teacher
I am sorry for walking out of class. I don't know if you got in trouble for it, but you seemed stressed out. I had a lot going on, and some kind of weird calling to be free and run away, so I did it and you just happened to be there...
To my 9th grade English teacher
This is a weird apology, but I am sorry I bought you that Edgar Allen Poe figurine at the beginning of the year, because things just got awkward after that. I honestly just couldn't resist getting it for you, and I wasn't expecting special treatment or anything like that... I just hadn't thought it through.
To all my teachers
I'm sorry for almost never doing my homework, showing up late, sleeping during class, etc. I just caught on very quickly to what you were teaching, so you clearly did a good job, but then I felt I didn't have to put any effort in.
I can't remember much else I did wrong around that age.
To my mom...
I'm sorry for telling you that I hated you. I'm sorry for hitting back. I'm sorry for confronting you about what really happened, because I know you don't want to face it. I'm sorry I can't phrase things in more gentle ways.
To my friend Kyle...
I'm sorry for hardly saying anything to you on your last birthday! I got in a fight with my parents and was too consumed by that. I've been meaning to send you something..
To Gustavo...
You have given up a lot for me. You've been the best person in the world to me. I'd still be spending every day of my life crying in a corner if not for you. I don't like to give people credit for my own "accomplishments", I don't like to act as if someone else is my savior, but really you are, and I honestly do believe I'd be in the fetal position right now if not for you coming into my life and doing so much for me. It doesn't matter that you did a million things wrong, because everything you did for me that was right, means the world to me.
I am SORRY for making sacrifices that you did not want me to make, because all I cared about was being with you.
I am sorry for punching you in the face.
I am sorry for being lazy and selfish some days.
I am sorry that we can't break up without feelings being hurt.
I am sorry that I took our truck (which you bought with your money), our baby, our cat, and made all your fears come to life,
but you wanted me to do it and I'm sorry that for some reason you just have to go through this (the same way that I just have to go through it... because really we've both been facing a whole lot of bullshit and I think these are lessons we wouldn't be learning any other way).
Is there anything else I'm sorry for? I'm sorry for being too comfortable and content, without really growing up (until now... which is part of the reason why I had to leave you).
I'm sorry I took your laptop! Yeah, seriously... I'm sorry I spent so much of your money.
I love you, I will always love you, and I DO NOT think little of you. I hate to say it because it sounds so fucked up, but you have reached God status with me. I just can't be married to God anymore, because I need to learn to save myself.
... and to anyone reading this, yes I really just referred to my ex as God. I'm sorry if that offends you.
To the Libra with Moon in Taurus...
I'm sorry for being so competitive. I was doing it because I wanted to push you to make your videos. I wanted you to stop using everything you could possibly find as an excuse not to make videos.
I know you didn't like it, but it was meant to motivate you and essentially it did even though I had to become your enemy in order to do it. You said I wasn't helping you, but I think I finally helped. You honestly were not accepting help from a friend or a fan, and you have always benefit more from having enemies... which, I won't lie, is disturbing, and I wish it wasn't this way.
To my friend that I do the nice nasty with...
(nice nasty is just an inside joke; it doesn't really mean anything)
I am sorry that I stopped talking to you while I was too busy arguing with...
The Cancer I had casual sex with...
I think I can summarize everything by saying that I am sorry for having sex with you while I'm still technically married and not emotionally capable of a relationship. I asked you if you thought that you'd regret having sex with me, and I asked you that because I knew you would and then I did it anyway. I knew you would regret it, and I did it anyway.
It wasn't my plan, but I ended up wanting to take your affection and use it to feel good about myself.
I was trying to suppress the things that I wanted in order to avoid hurting you, and I don't think it helped either one of us. I tried to want whatever you wanted, and it got me hurt.
To the Cancer I met at a bar...
I am sorry I didn't pay for my half of dinner... I don't know if there is really anything wrong with this, but it made me feel like a jerk.
If you ever want to go out again, I will pay next time.