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doon sa mga nagda-drugs para mabuhay sa kanilang mental health

hindi ba parang will to live ang pag-intake nun? sawa na ako sa ganun, parang gusto ko maramdaman lahat pero masakit din at mahirap. pagod na ako mag-isip isip ng kung ano, gusto ko na maging O K pero ang hirap. Ang hirap hirap.

gusto ko na lang matulog habambuhay, manirahan sa isang malaking aklatan sa aking munting panaginip. in all honesty.

human relations freak me out, it makes me happy but it freaks me out. stresses me out, wores me out, i cannot handle to think about other peoples feelings. send help.

Hi.

Feels awkward to blog now! Ang daming nangyari sa buhay ko at sa mundo grabe kaya ko pa kaya maalala ang lahat. Anyway, simula na lang sa kung saan galing yung larawan. Naglakad-lakad sa neighborhood sa Mission Viejo kasama si Bentley, isang asong mabait na kumpanya sa paglalakad, pinagkukuha ko yung mga within reach na bulaklak haha, at nilagay sa vase pag-uwi.. Matagal na ito, naalala ko lang maglagay ng larawan sa blog na ito ang magsulat na rin ng mga maalala kong mga.. alaala. Sa pagkakaalam ko masaya ako at sabog ng pinicturan ko yan haha. Salamat sa ilaw.

Sa totoo lang, gabi gabi, naiiyak ako hahaha! Kasi, nakakaoverwhelm ang lahat ng nangyayari at nangyari. Masaya na malungkot dahil minsan naiisip ko yung nakaraang mga taon, tapos naiisip ko ang mga pangyayari ngayon, at naiisip ko din ang kinabukasan ko.. So diba, sobrang halo halo na na mapapaiyak na lang ako hahaha,

dadalasan ko na lang mag-type dito. Kailangan eh, kailangan maisulat lahat ng detalye ng perspective ko.

Usually every 4 am i just sit on the street and think about things. My cats accompany me haha hm

Hello, 2017

I’m back, but very much changed.

I’ll be posting my Danny Dalena walkthrough later! Yasssss excited na akooo

i am afraid that when he smokes too much, he’d forget about the past years we’d been sharing together, you know the small details. he barely remembers anything at all..

me and Chipiski :)

These past few weeks I was able to stand firm to what I want and what I believe in? Inspirasyon mga pusa ko dito sa bahay. Ang saya saya ko kapag pinapagmasdan ko sila huhu i feel like i can live like this forever my god cat lady na ako hahaha.

Very sad news though the past days talaga parang I lost grip of whatever I have to hold on to? what? yeas jusko God kung ikaw nagsusulat ng buhay ko ilan kaming confused? MADAMI YATA KAMI??? So moderfuaking difficult grabe when I was 19 and scrolling in tumblr I’m like “shet i love the internet!” tapos conscious pa ako sa tumblarity and that’s what stresses me out :(

Pansin ko lang for the past few months, nahahalungkat ko yung mga nakalimutan kong childhood memories, sometimes I’d tear up secretly, sometimes I’d just sob kapag walang tao. The last few years na nandito sa bahay nanay ko wala ako. Sobrang what the fuck na anak ako. Tapos ngayon gusto ko mag-isa na parang ommg masasayang yata yung relationship na itinayo ko with this special person and I’d regret every moment na nasa bahay pa nanay ko na wala ako. the last few years that I’m with R is also the last years na andito sa bahay ang nanay ko. Tapos ngayon para akong nasa pelikula na ang flashback ay yung masasayang sandali na kasama ko ang nanay ko, at maiisip ko palagi at palagi na nothing is permanent, so it happened and will never happen again, and that this moment, this moment na nagsusulat ako ay hindi na mangyayari ulit. Na tatanda ako, na tatanda ang panahon at hindi na mauulit yung comfort na dala ng ngayon o nung kahapon.

Ayoko isipin yun. Kapag naiisip ko yun gusto ko sapakin sarili ko. Para akong nag-snorkel tapos masyadong nawili sa pag-snorkel sabay di ko nakita na paparating na pala sa abyss, sa drop. tangina sabay lalangoy ako pabalik sa pampang, yung mukhang tangang langoy haha.

hm, also i’ve been adDICTED TO GREAT TASTE COFFEE WHITE SMOOTH AND CREAMY. I feel like diabetes yung sakit ko in the neAR FUTURE. painful consequences. in school, ayun delayed HAHAHA, reminder lang sa mga kids na wag na waaag atupagin ang pakikipagrelasyon (in a romantic way) bago mag-kolehiyo. dahil wawasakin ang buhay mo, ang paniniwala, ang ideals mo. for real walang hugot dyan. dun sa mga putanginang puro hugot na lang, gago mag-rejoice ka na single ka. PLEASE LANG hahahahaha take it from me, take it from me, take it from me.

PERO! sabi nga ni bullet dumas! which is also my fav song from him! I'll end the day with 60 sighs to signify That everything was worth the fight And I'm always right?????? Maybe yes??? Maybe not!!!!! Who fucking KNOWS? GOD KNOWS.

#confucianism hahahaha

2:33 am

can’t really start my book review with what happened tonight/ awhile ago. sana di na ako magising mamaya. gulong gulo na ako sa buhay ko haha. nakakamiss magsulat, ng kung ano ano haha hindi ko na magawa yun.

miss ko na sarili ko how r u self? is this it? are you, finally? naiinis ako haha kasi ang daming araw, taon na hindi ako nakapagsulat. or nakapagcompose man lang ng matinong phrase. anong ginagawa ko dito haha anong ginawa ko sa sarili ko. too late for regrets, i guess. accept the past years, it wasn’t too bad i guess.

stay with him if you can! but be prepared to bleed! sabi ni joni mitchell!!! i did!!! haha i chose to stay back then, i guess ngayon di ko na kaya talaga haha.

***listening to sad songs and tryna find strength to write my book review

Eddie my loove

Panglabas lang ng galit:

Sobrang natatawa lang ako sa mga tao sa facebook grabe. Nakakatawa na hindi nila “feel” yung pagkapanalo ni Leo at masyadong nonsense nito sa mundo etc. Tapos icocompare mo yung The Revenant sa Straight Outta Compton tapos irerelate mo yung Hacienda Luisita at mga bilanggong pulitikal na doon dapat tayo magconcentrate, basically mayroon pang other matters to pay attention to, etc.

Sobrang nakakatawa na lang na tangina niyo tibak shit kayo tapos hindi niyo iccredit si Leo sa sinabi niya? Nilabas niyo sa facebook, nag-status pa at sasabihing wala kayong pakialam sa pagkapanalo ni Leo.

FUCK YOUR SHIT! GO FUCK YOURSELVES!

Wala nang kwenta eh. Una sa lahat, wala sa inyo EVER, EVEEER ANG MAKAKAPAGSPEECH SA OSCARS TUNGKOL SA ISA SA MGA HINAHARAP NA PROBLEMA NG MUNDO. EVER. EEEEHVER. PUSTAHAN.

Pangalawa, bakit mo ikokontra si Leo? Fucken shit talaga. Alam mo yun, siya na yung nag-effort para masabi ang climate change sa masmalawak na audience sabay walang kwenta sa inyo. Tangina lang. Hindi siya ang kalaban mga ate at kuya. Hindi siya ang kalaban.

Hirap sa mga yun eh kahit pwede nang maging nasa side nila, binabatikos din nila. Tangina. Walang mangyayari sa hinahangad niyong rebolusyon kung ganyan ang ugali ng mga tao dyan. Abante abante rin.

(madami pa ako gusto sabihin siguro next time na lang yung iba)

i miss me haha

napansin ko lang na masaya ako kapag mag-isa ako haha lalo na kapag nagdidilig ng halaman at nagwawalis ng mga dahon sa labas. tapos mga jeepney rides pauwi.

tapos gusto ko na mag-shift NAKAKALOKA. tangina talaga ng art school eh naburnout yata ako nung highschool haha sobrang shitty na sobrang di ko na feel puta

The Revenant

Watched it alone! I loved it. I’d give the bear and the bisons the oscar. They were too wonderful.

Only that they were animated. Siiiiigggh

Favorite thing from my trip to Bacolod: the green things. Moss, sugar lands, 100-year old trees. Foliage!!!

look at this fancy carpet trunk. Well toned.

The first 20 times I listened to this, I found it sweet (not sweet as in aww so sweet, but sweet as a taste, a taste to the ears? i guess) and beautiful and all that shit. I was feeling every instrument in this track. Tapos you just want to hug somebody really special (while listening to this song) and making them understand and convincing them that this is such a good track. Explaining to them that you’ve dissected every part of this song and you just love everything about it.

Ang daming boses sa kantang ito naiinis ako ang ganda tapos hindi ito kayang gawin live ever ever so while they were doing this parang nag-align yata yung universe tapos may gold dust coming from Martha Ambrosius’ breath, Glasper had diamond tears while performing the piano part with his eyes closed, etc etc. They all just synced-in with the aligned universe vibe and made this beautiful record thing thing. I hope I make sense ‘cause I will not edit this shit.

Listening to it now, I feel like I can sing this song perfectly at some small bar with little lighting.... some grimy bar with tons of smokers. People who knew too soon they’d die anyway so they become a little insensitive with other people’s preferences about non-smokers. Anyway. Listening to it now, it’s just stupid really, listening to it now. Maybe annoying at how ‘legit’ this song is. Nakakainis. Walang gold breath coming from Martha Ambrosius, only sad notes that envelope your ears down to your lungs.

Hahaha in short, pak dis shit kakainis mag-2016 na ganoon pa rin mga problema ko hehe.

New years new years!!!

#robert glasper #martha ambrosius #on trust #Trust

Dear Ralph,

You trashed my place. Go fucking clean it.

Cope with, appreciation.

How come women get to endure men with so much patience and love and understanding?

We’re flowers. We’re flowers hand-picked and sold in a market, a little bruised, bought and put in a vase, left with little water and patches of sunlight. Displayed for everyone to appreciate. Left to wither, for everyone to appreciate.

#on men #on women #flowers in a vase

So little time Try to understand that I'm Trying to make a move just to stay in the game I try to stay awake and remember my name But everybody's changing And I don't feel the same

This semester was supposed to be driven. Instead I rammed into a blinking light post along a dark, wide highway. I got deep cuts along the way. They were hidden all this time! Resurfaced cuts and bruises. Must’ve been the matters i’ve been putting aside, the ones that were left unresolved. Resurfaced back out from the void that I’ve been caressing, kissing it every night with the softest push of my lips.

just wanna get it off ayoko na mag-isip my god why is it so difficult to be happy? in my case! why can’t I be happy in just a snap of a finger!? just can’t sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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