The Testament of Innocence
half•alive · Now, Not Yet · Song · 2019
I didn't know exactly where I was going, but I knew I couldn't stop. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, dragging myself onward. Every breath struggled to fill my lungs, and each exhale escaped with a wheeze.
The cold, damp air condensed into little white clouds as it left my lips.
Night would soon fall. I'd spent the entire day walking after fleeing the Tradescantia Monastery. I had run eastward without thinking, following the Vesper River toward the Earthspur Mountains. Instinct alone had driven me in that direction, until I finally reached the foothills where rolling hills gave way to stone and steep mountain paths.
Perhaps tomorrow I would cross the mountains, or maybe I would simply follow the ridgeline. I hadn't decided yet.
All that mattered to me in that very moment was being as far away as possible from everyone... and everything.
The only person I wished were beside me was Kaverin.
Where had she ended up?
Maybe she was still alive and unharmed.
Or perhaps she was wounded, terrified, running for her life as well.
Oh, gods... I hope not.
Maybe she knew what in the Hells had happened in that church last night.
Maybe it was my fault.
No… it had to be my fault.
A shiver ran down my spine.
Who am I trying to fool? Of course it was my fault.
I collapsed to my knees.
My scream echoed through the valley before returning to me again and again.
At first I sobbed quietly, then I buried my hands in my hair and curled in on myself, surrendering to desperate, uncontrollable tears.
"Why me?" I choked out. "Why am I like this? I cannot understand!"
Between sobs I cursed myself.
I hated my own mind—the way it never worked properly, leaving me with those random, terrifying gaps in my memory. I'd never told anyone about them.
I never thought I needed help.
I never imagined things could get this bad.
I caused all of this.
There was no other explanation.
Just like all the other times I'd foolishly chosen to ignore the signs.
"Please... God... please..."
I called upon Ilmater, as I always did whenever despair threatened to consume me.
"I'm so tired."
I wasn't talking about my blistered feet from running away without rest.
Nor about my lungs, where every breath and cough left the taste of iron lingering in my mouth.
Nor my burning, tear-stung eyes.
I meant my mind, wracked with unbearable pain.
And my heart, which felt as though it would burst inside my chest.
I clutched the prayer beads that always hung around my neck beneath my scarf.
The sunset had faded, leaving behind only one final crimson blaze on the horizon. Above me, the first stars began to appear against the deep-blue canvas of the night sky.
But I never looked up.
Instead, I remained kneeling with my forehead pressed against the frozen earth.
Barely louder than a whisper, I began to pray.
"O Ilmater,
You who bear the weight of every burden,
In this hour of darkness I call upon You
with humility and hope.
Hear my lament."
I'd stopped crying, though I still sniffled between every sentence.
"Be the comfort of grieving souls,
of the afflicted,
the destitute,
and the oppressed.
Hear the voice of those who suffer."
My teeth began to chatter from the cold.
"O Ilmater,
Teach us the meaning of mercy.
Show us how to heal wounds
and bring comfort to those in need.
Grant us the strength
to ease the suffering of this world."
My prayer beads softly clinked together as the freezing cold seeped into my bones.
"Beacon of hope.
Light for those
who wander in darkness."
I could feel my consciousness beginning to slip away—the same feeling that always came just before one of my episodes.
The shivers born of the cold slowly gave way to trembling born of terror.
"Guide us through our trials.
And with Your love,
in Your name,
grant us peace.
Amen."
The final word tore itself from my throat as little more than a strangled cry.
And then...
Everything around me faded into darkness.
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