another writing blog.

when i feel like i'm going mad i write. - dodie

[raposar]

sometimes you need to whatever yourself through the beggining of your recovery.

I've been talking to my therapist about recovery lately, here are some thoughts.

i had to face a challenge today:

I've got a choice. I send the message to this nutritionist and begin my recovery or i say 'fuck it' because i know it will stay the same.

Then, suddenly, something clicked: people usually tell you that you've got to be ready or you gotta want to be better to start your recovery.

But the thing is: i think this is some sort of lie. That's why so many people can't relate and feel hopeless. Because when you hit rock bottom, you don't want to get better. Because getting better means getting out of this horrifying "comfort zone" bubble your brain has created. Anything outside your daily horror will sound uninteresting and maybe scary to your brain. We do it unconsciously.

I thought about it. I didn't want to fucking message the nutritionist.

I tried to not overthink it and quickly sent the message. I thought to myself whatever.

I didn't want to do it. But i did it. Baby steps.

[pepperminttrees]

what if it gets bad again?

lately i've started to feel like i'm "actually recovering", whatever that might mean. i have a genuine want to get better, and i've never experienced that before. since returning home from hospital, i've hit a couple of bad feelings and managed to sit them out without falling into a spiral of negative thoughts, just by reminding myself that i've worked so hard to stay alive all this time ;; but part of me feels like the other shoe will inevitably drop. i've had weeks in the past where i felt like things were getting better, only to fall back into a relapse - why should this week be any different?

i think it's easy to forget that maladaptive thoughts and feelings are a coping mechanism ;; for a lot of us, they're a very effective one. my mental illness has protected me for most of my life, so it's natural that when a new stressor pops up, my urge is to fall back into old struggles. it's also easy - if i decide i feel suicidal, i don't have to worry about the homework due tomorrow or an argument i'm having. i hold the ultimate card against anything life can throw at me.

the difference between now and six months ago is that now, i'm identifying my fear and thinking of alternatives. while it's true that the emotional amnesia i experience when distressed might make me forget the feeling of resolving to get better, my thoughts are stronger than my emotions. i will fight as hard as i can to remember that i want things to change.

it's possible that i'll feel suicidal again ;; it's likely. but it doesn't have to be inevitable. when i'm not in control of anything, i have more of a safety net now than i ever have. when i am in control, i will keep taking little steps, until one day the fear of relapsing will only be in the very back of my mind.

aside from that, all i can do is hope. i owe it to myself.

- hanna

[pepperminttrees]

i'm not good at introductions

maybe because i don't know where to start. my name is hanna, i'm 17, and when i was fifteen my favourite teacher in the world told me to start a blog. i'm a little ashamed that i never wrote anything worthwhile until now, but i suppose there's not a wrong time to start.

i don't want to define myself by struggles, so i'll say that first of all i am somebody who absolutely loves art. not just baroque oil paintings ;; i think anything can be art, memories are art, love is art. we wouldn't survive without it. i also strongly believe that music will change your life if you let it.

now that i've hopefully justified that i'm a real person with real feelings ;; i struggle with debilitating mental illness. i was physically abused for the majority of my childhood, as a result, i first experienced suicidal thoughts in early childhood, and when i was 12 i became completely overwhelmed by symptoms of PTSD that have only worsened and become more complex over time. that's the brief explanation ;; i have been in hospital more times than i can count, and have found myself equally mistreated within the psychiatric system as outside of it. these are probably experiences i will talk about when i have the courage.

i've been scared to write a blog for a long time because i'm worried it won't be good enough, but i don't think i care about that much anymore. this will probably be somewhere i just post about my life and whatever's on my mind.

i have a habit of writing as if i'm writing for an audience, and i don't think anybody will see this post, so maybe i shouldn't spend so long thinking of how to close it off. i hope to write here again soon.

hanna 4.9.22

[pepperminttrees]

in my head i do everything right /

when you call i forgive and don't fight