Untitled

[perception7-blog1]

The Void

The Void

Life’s a desolate void where happiness floats by you but never seems to stop in your path long enough for you to hold on to it. You just see it from a distance, only long enough to see that it’s there.

As you float through space through your stream of darkness, you see shades of purple and twinkles of stars in the distance, but they seem so close.

But once, every now and then, you feel like you’re getting close

You’re approaching it, seemingly faster the closer you get.

You open your hands, and widen your eyes as you prepare to catch it.

Then your path jerks you away from it. You see others riding a smoother and calming path, possibly even with others.

But you ride alone. For misery needs no company for you.

So you continue to ride on your path, admiring happiness from its distance, smiling at the affect it has on others. While it looks at you and in a feminine, calming voice, says “you’ll have your time.”

You don’t know when. You don’t even know if she’s telling the truth. But you have to believe her, I guess.

You continue to ride that dark path as it carries you, effortlessly through the void.

It’s ride is calming. Melancholy, but predictable.

So you ride alone, picking up passengers until they realize this ride isn’t suited for them. Then, with no surprise, they fade away, too. But that’s okay. You know this ride was made for you. And eventually, you’ll get off of it. Or so you hope.

[perception7-blog1]

Dear ____:

Dear ___: Sigh. I sit here again As my thoughts fall onto their own deaf ears. I don’t know why But I fight my tears. Much is expected of me At least that’s how I feel. I never know the difference Between what is fake, and what is real. I hurt her, but I am her light. In the same sense, I am her main fright. I feel like my perception is altered. My thoughts seem forever fostered. This weight on my shoulders feels like liquid concrete. Forming around me as I try to find my own beat. It slows me down and tries to form I continue to walk and hope it stays torn But these thoughts are my own I don’t know why they’ve grown. I stand in the light of myself, and try to be her sun. Then I realize the darkness inside me has already won. My insides cry and weep As I lose my will to eat, and only desire sleep. But I never show that. I’m someone’s sun. But in reality, I’m only a star. I have no source of fun. Because I live without a whole heart. There are others like me Many in fact. As I sit here wondering What do I lack But also, what is their addiction? My mind is only a source of constant conviction. I’m no sun. I’m just another star. But even me knowing that doesn’t make this less hard. I try to prioritize others happiness over my own But I wollow in my regrets as I weep and I moan Do I even regret it? I don’t know. I just want everyone happy. Because my life isn’t my own. I don’t know what makes me happy. Is it possibly approval I’m lacking? I just want the normal life. Without all of the constant anger and strife. “You need help” she says My dark passenger reminds me that he’ll never be dead I enjoy him. I really do. He makes me who I am and is the reason that I grew. I fight him always, Adieu. Adieu. “Go to counseling, those people will help” You don’t understand. My heart will melt. I don’t want to know what I am. If I’m crazy, so what!? I have this feeling of hate Down deep in my gut! I fight it as it itches to get out It’s a demon in me and it knows how to shout “IM CRAMPED AND IM REAL AND I KNOW THAT YOU FEEL” “THAT INNOCENCE INSIDE YOU IS THE ONLY THING REAL” “YOU SEE YOUR OLD PICTURES AND REMEMBER THE THRILL” “OF HUGGING YOUR PARENTS AND DRYING THEIR TEARS” IM HERE IM HERE DONT YOU EVER LET ME GO IM THE ONLY REAL FEELING THAT YOULL EVER KNOW YOUR PARENTS THEY HATE YOU ITS ALL JUST FOR SHOW AS YOUR HEART BLEEDS AND IT WEEPS AND ITS ALL DOWN BELOW WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME AND MY POOR WRETCHED SOUL I NEED I NEED YOU AND YOUD NEVER SHOW that you were proud of me. You doubted me. Told your friends how good I did, just a trophy so you could say “yeah that’s my kid” I found approval in the wrong places. That innocent heart, so full of love, has turned into hatred. It’s outside is black, with dust and disbelief. The inside is crimson, beating with grief. It wants to love but doesnt know how. It’s scared of connection, inside and out. I’m like a drug addict, itching with my need Til I reach the bone with my nails and I sit and I bleed And I ask myself “WHY DID YOU LEAVE” As I sit here and think “why did this happen to me?” I had so much love. So much happiness and hope. To give to you all, and you pushed me low. Dad, I love you. I swear that I do, But when you tell me something I don’t know that it’s true. You were my closest parent I made that apparent But your empty promises Made me broken and hopeless I grinned and I grit Through the abuse and the emotional pain Just so you could come home and get laid Amanda you love me. I know that it’s true But something in my heart, can’t forgive you. You remind of days when my innocence showed through Before my dark passenger was all that I knew. Your addiction and manipulation knew no bounds That’s why I never wanted to come around. I felt that I was the prize pig over which to fight As you and moochie kept your armies uptight Pushing on the front lines on my hearts battle grounds I had nowhere to turn and my hope went down. “Make your own hope” I often say But in reality, I wish hope could stay. We’d get along well, if she’d keep her word. All I want is to be understood and heard. She could give that to me, I know that she could. But I turn my back to her. Because I don’t know if she would. Hope is very selfish Giving herself out in limited supply While I lie in my bed and my insides cry. The tears never make their way to the surface. Oh no no. That’d be too easy! Then I’d let go. My dark passenger likes them to stay. I guess if they do, he’ll live another day.

[perception7-blog1]

Wander vs Wonder

I don’t believe that I wander I believe that I wonder

Not for the sake of my hope or happiness But for the understanding of what life is

I believe a wanderer is a zombie Aimlessly walking without his own heartbeat

His eyes glazed and body limp His perception hazed and his mind adrift

A wonderer seeks to know To know what it’s like for his mind to grow

Life is a game where you’re the played or player Now I wonder and dissect every layer

But understand, that I do envy the wanderer For he is content with his mind in plunder

No need to answer life’s hard questions No need to engage his confessions

He lives each day in and of itself His mind doesn’t seem to wander to anything else

I ask you wanderer, how do you do it? How do you happily remain clueless?

Your heart full of contentment And your mind has no resentment

Show me how to shut off my thoughts In my own mind I feel like I’m caught

But still I live. I live in my future, forever neglecting my present. I wonder when it is that I’ll ever meet contentment.

I’ll embrace it with arms wide open as I shut off my desire for growing

How sweet it would be For ignorance to flood me

Like a river crashing over my soul Smoothing me over and making me whole

I would be uniform with everyone Wandering about, never contemplating once.

Wanderer, show me your ways. And maybe tomorrow, I can live in today.

[perception7-blog1]

The stream

I sit here, in the middle of the stream. Where my thoughts wander and dream. At nights darkest hour I see your existence, and feel your power But I also run from myself While I’m scared that there’s nothing else The world moves around me like I’m the eye of the storm As I realize that my heart and mind are torn Who do I want to be? That I don’t know. Who am I? That, I’ll never show. For fear that the world may judge me I sit and judge it. While others live and breathe I sit here in my own reprieve Thinking of life and the decisions I made While wanting things to change, but also stay the same So I sit here, in the middle of the stream. While allowing this dark part of me to dream

[perception7-blog1]

so I got this as an outlet for my thoughts. I’m not very expressive to many, but I feel like people can relate to these poems. so i’ll post them and see where it goes. #poetry