(I recently got back to writing and I feel self conscious about this fic 😭, comments are appreciated and welcome)
Category: Gen
Fandom: One Piece (Anime & Manga)
Relationship: Portgas D. Ace & Sabo
Characters: Portgas D. Ace, Sabo (One Piece)
Additional Tags: Portgas D. Ace Lives ,Portgas D. Ace is Not Okay, Portgas D. Ace Needs a Hug, Portgas D. Ace Has Self-Worth Issues, Portgas D. Ace Has Survivor's Guilt
Language:English
It's an endless night (It's a starless sky)
Summary:
It's been 24 months since Ace survived Marineford. 24 months since Luffy didn't. 24 months since Ace's world starting to change irreparably forever. Or did it? Someone certainly disagrees.
24 months ago, Ace had only been able to watch in horror as Akainu lunged towards Luffy. His first instinct had been to take the hit for Luffy, use his own body to shield his little brother. His body however, decided it was the best moment to let go of the adrenaline of being free and remind him he hadn't slept, eaten, or moved much in days. On top of Impel Down being what it was and Teach's… hospitality.
He doesn't remember how he reached Luffy. Maybe he got another adrenaline boost. Maybe he crawled. Maybe someone helped him over there. He doesn't remember the finer details. He does remember the smell. Burnt flesh and straw. Of course, Luffy had the nerve to smile and reassure Ace as he died. Telling him he meant it when he said he'd save him even if it killed him. Ace had wanted to argue, to tell Luffy this was different because Luffy wasn't dying to save him, he was dying because Ace, once again, let emotion cloud his judgment.
24 months. 730 days-
And a horrible realisation.
Ace remembered fighting that asshole admiral, Drow or something, about a year into his own pirating journey.
'You’re not supposed to be alive. Your very existence causes people who have committed no sin to live in fear.'
'If it weren’t for you, no one would have this misfortune.'
His mother died to keep him off the marine's radar. He got close to Thatch, who died. He found a father in Whitebeard, and he died. Luffy tried to save Ace, and he died.
People got killed for loving him.
Sabo came close to it, too. It had been a shock, to see him alive in Dressrosa. Ace hadn't expected Sabo to look relieved. Relieved that Ace was still alive. He'd expect Sabo to hate him. To hit him. To denounce him as a brother. But Sabo hadn't done any of this.
So here Ace was, with his not-dead brother, who looked at him like Ace wasn't some kind of walking misery causer. Looked at Ace like was worth something. Like the blood in his vein didn't matter, like the blood on his hands didn't exist.
After the Payback war, a war Ace had known was inevitable, but also less than willing to partake in knowing firsthand how overwhelmingly powereful Blackbeard was… Nothing was left. The crew Ace had come to see as family, no longer existed. He didn't know who was still alive besides Izou and Marco. That was around the time he gained another moniker. "The bad luck devil". Whenever he saw his new bounty poster, which had been updated to state his birth name, Ace felt like something unpleaseant, something alive was crawling through his veins. Something akin to maggots.
He was used to all this. It still hurt, but he had accepted it (even though he would have scatched himself bloody more than once without the fabric protecting his arms). Sabo, apparently, had other thoughts.
Ace had been telling Sabo about meeting Luffy in Alabasta when someone drunkenly walked over to them.
"Might wanna be careful with that one… Don' you know he signed the end warrant of the Whitebeard Pirates? I mean if he hadn't joined them they'd still be-" The man stopped and yelp in pain as Sabo twisted his arm in a painful angle.
Ace hadn't had time to react. Not because he'd been slacking off since… everything (Marco was actually often worried Ace was overexerting himself), but because it was a thought he himself had often had. Often heard too. His new moniker wasn't what it was for no reason, after all.
"You can apologise and have a sore arm for a short while. Or continue on with a broken arm." Sabo said in an eerily calm voice.
The man wasn't stupid enough to double down, so he muttered an apology they all knew meant nothing. But Sabo still let him go.
24 months ago, Ace might have been the one breaking that asshole's arm, but he'd since learned nothing good ever came out of him letting his emotion overcome him. Learnt it the very, very hard way.
And really Sabo shouldn't be defending him. Ace was the reason Luffy had been at Marineford 24 months ago, the reason he died. The reason the Whitebeard Pirates were no longer under the same flag. Really, Ace was doing everyone a favour when he chose a location completely isolated from his brothers. Too bad one of them didn't agree. Or more accurately, didn't hesitate to voice it.
"When I read articles after articles of the war's aftermaths and couldn't reach you, I thought… Maybe you'd…" Sabo trailed off.
"I considered it. I… still do sometimes." Ace said slowly.
Perhaps that was why Marco had all but dragged Ace with him to Sphinx island. No. Marco definitely knew what would happen should Ace be left with his own thoughts. Marco had made Ace swear he'd never go through with anything like that. And Ace was never one to break promises if he could help it, so considering death was as far he went.
Ace watched as Sabo stretched his (now elastic) arms around him and pulled him close. Ace made a strangled noise of surprise. but didn't fight the embrace.
"I'm so happy you're still alive. I don't care what the rumors say. You're my brother and that's all that matters to me. I know what you lost, but you're still here. You haven't given up. I'm so happy I still have my big brother. Of 2 months."
Ace was half crying, half laughing. Of course Sabo would bring up that Ace was only the oldest by 2 months.
24 months ago, Ace's world had begun to shatter beyond repair, but for the first time, he thought maybe the pieces weren't completely unsalvagable.
Huh. Wait. He didn't remember when he started crying, but now the tears wouldn't stop. Sabo dropped money in the waiter's hand and led them out of the bar. Ace felt too many emotions at once to identify them all but he recognised a few.
"Why… Why are you happy I'm alive…? You should hate me! I… I got Luffy killed, I broke our promise-"
"The marines got Luffy killed. Not you. You didn't ask for any of this."
"I went after Blackbeard even though Pops had a bad feeling and didn't want me to." Ace said.
"That doesn't make you responsible for what happened. You couldn't have known what he had in mind." Sabo said.
"If I had listened… I… I'd still have… We'd still be-"
"Maybe you would, maybe you wouldn't. Blackbeard would have come after you guys at some point regardless. And before you say anything about reacting to Akainu's words, you know ignoring him wouldn't have made him let you escape, right?"
Ace went silent at that.
Had he ignored Akainu's words, he'd have been close enough to Luffy to notice his little brother had reached his limits. Close enough to sacrifice himself if needed. But Sabo was right. Nothing would have detered Akainu. Nothing did deter him. Luffy dying didn't deter him, Ace completely shutting down didn't either. Ace had been told Shanks had been the one to stop Akainu's murderous rampage when he tried to hit Ace through Jinbe, who was carrying him to the closest ship.
But the guilt of destroying everything that made him happy to have been born was both overwhelming and did not like having been repressed for so long. Ace knew Sabo was right but his mind struggled to truly accept it.
Sabo's face told him he'd take the time he needed to change that. And Ace allowed himself to hope that maybe one day, his guilt would lighten.
