Dear 15 year old Crystal
Hey girl, You came up in therapy again. You've come up plenty of times in the last decade and a half but today I felt you front and center. I've been so consumed with taking care of baby Crystal and neglected to see that you have been the one who has needed all of my care, attention, empathy and love. I see you. I am listening. Please trust me. If I close my eyes and turn up my screamo music, I can teleport back to you. Your rage is unsurmountable and I am so deeply sorry for teaching you to hold it in and hold it back to save face. You have every right to be angry and disgusted with the world. Every person that has used you, taken advantage of you, overlooked you, belittled you, and pushed you beyond your boundaries was in the wrong. You were not in the wrong by wanting to feel seen and loved. You were doing what normal teenagers do, they were the adults, they knew better. Being the very smart, bright and talented girl we are, we found out why people like that do the things they do, we learned about all the systemic issues that put people in these situations, the social pressures, the cultural norms, and the fucked up world that rewards people who follow all of this. We find this out through school, through countless hours in therapy, online, and through our natural inquisitive nature of always asking questions and the dying need to get to the root of it all. Although as 34 year old me can rationally and logically make sense of it all, it doesn't take away that you had to live this alone, confused, misinformed and carrying the shame of being the one that was the sick one. Nothing was wrong with you, mija. You were alone with no one to talk to, no one to protect you, no one to listen to your questions and your confusion. I am so sorry for that. I am so sorry you had to experience so much alone. Listen, your anger is righteous. Blast that music, slam your door, TELL EVERYONE TO FUCK OFF. I owe you for teaching me how to be free and curious and brave and resilient. You taught me how to be unapologetic and express myself in whatever creative ways I wanted. I'm sorry for assimilating to this BULLSHIT. I am taking a page from you and reclaiming what you taught me. Thank you for your bravery and for being such a cool girl. I hope you think 34 year old us is cool, too. -C
