Pax Vobiscum, Peace Be With You

[𝟮𝟬+ & 𝗧𝗮𝘂𝗿𝘂𝘀!] Beauty is terror, yet we want to be devoured by it; A devoted Henry Winter defender.

[perpetual-peace]

Introduction.

⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⛧°. ⋆༺⭑.ᐟ internet persona purposed only.

Things to consider before followed her on X (formerly Twitter):

The account is mostly about books, journaling, and cafe hopping related content. Pictures are hers and not for commercial use. Pictures that aren't taken by her would be shared with credit to the owner.

She does soft-blocking almost all the time with accounts she rarely interacted with, to keep her circle small and her timeline familiar. There's no need to take it as offensive action since she didn't put any mind into it.

There would be NSFW content such as interaction, harsh words, profanities, books' theme, so the account is not so much family friend. It's no minor area.

A lot of spoilers, please be aware.

⋅ Isabelle Amanda Hennschen is the name. You may call me with Isa ⋅ A Taurus through, and through. ⋅ Languages spoken are English, Indonesian, High Valyrian (ˢᵒ ˡⁱᵗᵗˡᵉ), German (ˢᵒ ˡⁱᵗᵗˡᵉ) ⋅ Choosing dark/light academia as her aesthetic used avatar: Emily Carey, Kim Dami

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⠀⠀⁀➴ HOBBIES

⋆ Reading ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ I love to read, mostly classics and essays. Not to mention, Indonesian historical fiction too. These are my favorite books from all time: The Secret History, Tetralogi Pulau Buru, I, 1984, The Stranger, Homage to Catalonia, Animal Farm, The Jakarta Method, The Universe of Us, A Song of Ice and Fire, and Gadis Pantai.

⋆ Musics ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ Genre: RnB, Lo-Fi, Classics, K-Pop, Pop, Folk Artist(s): BTS, Claude Debussy, Keshi, New Jeans, Novo Amor, SZA, Summer Walker, The Weeknd, Franz Gordon, KIOF, Rini, Niki, Thuy, Nadin Amizah, etc.

⋆ Writing and Journaling ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ As for me, writing and reading come in the same package. The more I read, the more dying I am to write my abundance amount of thoughts. My writing mostly about yearning, devotion, and infinite sums of adoration toward people or fictional character I fancy. Journaling is one thing, yet book commentary is another thing I did beside pouring down thoughts about life and universe in general.

[xanaxfarts]

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I hope what is mine will always be mine.

There are several things I called mine;

Books;

Writings;

Saxophone;

Journaling;

International Relations-related topics;

Sage green;

Woody brown;

Things that can heal me from the unresolved trauma and the escapism I tried for years, and somehow it works.

Those are mine, the home without judgment that is always comforting to me. To think about a future where all of them can continuously surround me, without having to try so hard.

Maybe I am wrong to determine myself by these things. But everyone has their own way to stand on the ground, no matter how harsh the storm comes onto them.

That's why I hope what is mine will always be mine.

So they can remind me of how good and meaningful life can be, however unkind the situation is.

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Potongan Lampau

Mungkin Tuhan sedang mengizinkan rindu yang hebat ini untuk mampir,

Agar aku bisa berhenti sejenak, dan memikirkan tentang perasaanku sendiri,

Tanpa harus meminta maaf,

Tanpa harus menunggu untuk didengar;

Dan dari segala rindu yang berkecambuk,

Opa dan Oma datang lagi,

Malam-malam yang hangat,

Dingin kabut yang nyaman,

Tentang kamar Opa dan Oma yang selalu beraroma kayu,

Tentang lilin yang selalu dinyalakan kala listrik padam beserta semua cerita masa kecil Opa dan Oma yang penuh petualangan,

Tentang radio kesayangan Opa,

Tentang tapak meja karya tangan Oma,

Tentang air hangat yang selalu disiapkan untuk mandiku sebelum sekolah;

Tentang jalan pagi ke gereja,

Tentang Natal yang tak kehilangan maknanya;

Potongan lampau yang akan selalu aku genggam erat-erat;

Potongan lampau yang membuat diriku ada dan terdefinisikan;

Potongan lampau yang meneriakan keseluruhan eksistensiku;

Terima kasih Opa,

Terima kasih Oma.

Aku akan mencoba terus berjalan dengan bangga.

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Dear God,

Please let me grow gently. Please filled my heart with peace.

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I read again my old journal and I thank God for not letting me giving up on myself.

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Berusaha Hidup.

Setiap malam, aku termenung sebentar di atas tempat tidur, memandangi buku-buku kesayanganku yang belum terjamah sejak sebulan lalu. Dalam kepalaku, aku menimbang-nimbang resiko dari dua pilihan yang berada dalam kepalaku saat ini: 1) tidur dan ketika bangun aku harus masuk dalam mode bekerja, 2) atau melakukan hal-hal yang aku senangi dengan konsekuensi mengantuk saat kerja. Aku, dengan sedikit menitikkan air mata, kemudian memilih untuk tidur. Bukan, bukan agar aku bisa bekerja tanpa mengantuk tapi agar aku bisa lebih tenang. Karena semakin larut aku tidur, kepalaku akan semakin sibuk menyiksaku dengan kemungkinan-kemungkinan jelek yang menakutkan.

Kini telah jadi kebiasaanku juga untuk memutar lagu-lagu rohani dari bertahun-tahun silam untuk menemani tidurku. Dalam lantunan lirik dan melodinya, ada kenangan yang membawa kemesraan nan hangat dalam hatiku. Memori-memori tentang masa kecil bersama Opa dan Oma yang menjadi bunga tidurku sebulan ini. Dua sosok yang memberikanku dasar-dasar yang baik dan kuat, yang membantuku berdiri kuat hingga kini.

Entah apa yang mendorongku untuk menuliskan ini. Entah syukur, entah lelah. Entah syukur, entah kecewa. Entah syukur, entah takut.

Satu hal yang pasti aku tahu adalah ini semua merupakan proses. Untuk masa yang lebih baik. Untuk masa yang lebih memberikan kekuatan.

[perpetual-peace]

No one checked on you, yet you're still going toward the direction God prepared for you.

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Thank you, May.

May began as the peak of uncertain times in my life. I am at the verge of questioning everything, from faith, relationship, friendship, even jobs. Possibly because under the pressure, I marked May as my deadline: everything has to be changed right now no matter what happened, and even though there are threads that are holding me back, I indeed needed to break through.

Despite everything, God is good, God is great. He somehow managed to push me to change in the most unbelievable way, which I didn't expect to happen, hence it still hurt to think about. He opened my eyes wide enough to see through everything that had apparently been neglected since day one. He let me experience betrayal. Jesus knew the feeling, hence, He thought it'd be the best way possible to teach me the most valuable thing in life. So far, I agree on that. I guess the betrayal is quite needed for my personal revival.

As fast as the lightning struck, my life changed overnight. I can't even blink to process what and why all of this happened. The force kept pushing me forward, I couldn't catch my breath for a second. All of a sudden, I slept in a foreign bed, bathed in a foreign bathroom, and looked at a pair of foreign windows. A week after that was full with adjusting to make everything feel familiar. The second week was a bit harsh: adulting happened, and I have no other choice but to face it, although desperately. Third week, kind of unbearable. The only thing that kept me going was prayer after prayer I sent.

Despite everything, God is good, God is great. Sounds like toxic positivity to you, doesn't it? I mean, how God is good and great when everything seems so foreign and stressful? But somehow, in my cry, I'm enabled to say God is good. He also assures me that life is a process, and no matter how painful it is, God is there. He is there, ever present, encouraging, protecting, and listening to my mundane rumble.

A new beginning is about to start. A new adventure will soon be unlocked. This scaredy cat is about to take many first steps into the unknown with head full of fear, anxiety and self-doubts. God told me not to be, but I guess He might understand this one because this will be my very first time ever to be in this situation. I believe He is still there watching me, waiting for me to be ready, as He is the Father who will always be ready to catch me when I fall.

Finally, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, in this very new chapter of my life, I will walk with a heart full of faith.

[perpetual-peace]

MADONNA IN A FUR COAT

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I thank God for this life.

I thank God for this opportunity.

I thank God for this life.

I thank God for this freedom.

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I'll be free. I have to be free.

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March to April: Caffeine's Gallery.

Crazy how this bitter liquid (although not all of them are) helped me cope with everything.

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This book is older than me.

Second book of Pramoedya Ananta Toer's Buru Quartet: Anak Semua Bangsa (Children of All Nations), published in 1980.

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In Indonesian, they say: Terima kasih untuk 4 tahunnya, selamat berpisah.

In poetry, I say:

"Lika liku Menteng yang sudah aku hafal di luar nalarku, tak bakal terbuang sia-sia karena tiap sudutnya akan aku lantunkan doa paling tulus pada Maha Kuasa, yaitu Dia yang pernah kita temui rutin bersama di bawah langit-langit gereja. Biarlah suka duka senang sedih yang bertumpuk jadi memori, terurai dengan sempurna dalam sanubari, beralih jadi ruh dan energi baru tuk ingatkan diri bahwa cinta tak pernah mati hanya berubah perwujudan."

[perpetual-peace]

Mentari samar merasuk ke dalam sukma, membangunkan jiwa yang masih ingin direngkuh oleh malam. Kendati demikian, jejak-jejak jiwamu kembali menyapa alam bawah sadar, menginatkan mata agar lekas terbuka walau sayup-sayup.

Nihil pesan baru tak buat hati jadi masygul, karena yang paling menggubah bahagia adalah menelusuri sajak pesan penuh rayuan-rayuan malu sisa semalam. Sudah pagi, tapi bibir ini t’lah bentukkan sabit senyum, merona-rona pipi mengingat gurauan Tuan.

Maka tenggelamlah dinda ini ke dalam perinduan akanmu, dan rasa ini sekiranya akan tinggal sampai waktu yang tak tentu. Detik, menit, jam, terhabiskan dengan menggoreskan asa tentang kamu, kamu, kamu lagi. Tinta-tinta t’lah warnai kertas, gambarkan rayuan-rayuan lain yang siap memakanmu hingga habis tak tersisa. Kala selesai menulis, rindu itu datang lagi...

Oh, mabuk rindu sudah diri ini...

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March is tough; hence, life still needs to go on.