It's very hard to write when you have music playing in your ears. { Backstreet Boys "Shattered" } as an example. But it's a good song.
I've been suffering for a while now. Both with a back pain, which came on from doing both fitness as well as cleaning. I know, strange to have suffered from such doing simple things like cleaning. Well funny thing happened when I was walking home from school one day in March. the year was 1994 and we had a freak blizzard where I live which shut down the city bus system unexpectedly and certainly without telling any ones that actually rely on the transportation. So, I had to walk home, but thankfully, it wasn't really that far from where I lived.
I teacher I knew back then, gave those waiting for the bus a ride to the Downtown area of the city and from there I had to walk home, well, while I was walking home, several blocks from where I was, I don't know what happened but I must have slipped in the snow on the unseen street that I was walking in. (The city was basically shut down due to the blizzard so I had the run of the street) and snapped something in my lower back. Ever since then, it's been paining me. {Backstreet Boys " Undone" is now in my ears. Good song, again, but distracting. }
It acts up at the littlest thing. Movement, walking, working, cleaning, even just standing or sitting for very long. {Did you know that those drum sticks sound like bones clinking together? This is rather distracting. } So I get in pain when I do the tiniest thing.
I would say pills help but alas, they don't. So I pretty much suffer, nonstop with this pain. But it's not just back pain that's bothering me, it's other things as well.
Mental things, physical things, thoughts... Feelings.... Things I've long since thought buried under a pile of other things that I don't need to think about and yet, someone just threw them up in front of my face and now I gotta face them. I hate thinking about that time in my life I'd rather just forget cause it was very, very painful for me.
It was back then, that I was faced with most of my darkness that's within my mind, my thoughts, my feelings. Even with the feelings of how I feel about my own birthday. (Which, thankfully is long past) {Ah, sad, no more distractions} But despite that this memory is long past, it still hurts. And now, B.L says that /I/ need to talk about it. Get it out in the open. Work through it. But how do you work through something you'd rather forget?
That's the question. One that may never be answered cause, it's just too many things that have cultivated who I am today.
I'll grant, and concede that there was nice moments back then, in that time of my life, but there was a lot of horror as well. so how do I tell B.L that this is why I don't want to talk about it, never mind talking about it? Sure, it might help but there's a huge chance that it won't help and then I'll be stuck an entire week in that hell inside my head even though I'm stuck in it now..... Without her help.
Alright, I'm rambling, I admit it. But when flickers and fragments and even large portions of those memories flood my eye sight, my hearing, and my mind.... Well I just want to run and stay hidden. Bury it deeper than it was before. Thus why I listen to music. Watch movies, watch anything that doesn't have to deal with that which is locked inside my head!
Tonight was a huge exception because I had forgotten that things I liked to watch were actually on, and were the season finales of it. So I missed most of it.
But most of the time you'll find me glued to the television screen, or the videos on netflix or even doing some writing or listening to music while playing some online games. But tonight, tonight was weird, I guess. And now, I'm exhausted, but not exhausted, and it's well passed my bedtime. So I should end this nonsense of a blog page.
Funny word: Blog. I wonder who thought of it?
Okay, enough, I'm asking questions that I don't think have answers to. I'll go, thank you for reading .
