Peter File, Children's Writer

Hello, If you are reading my blog you should probably know a few things about me: my name is Peter File, and I write for children. I am from the North-East of England and was born in Percy Main. My dad used to beat me with a sock full of pennies. I am also a member of Westborough Baptist Church, although I have never been there and don't really know much about the differences between it and other religions. Anyway, you are all going to Hell. Except for me. Love to all of the children who enjoy my stories, Peter File.

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HELL, WHO'S GOING THERE? (PART TWO)

Your mum's shortcake.

Mug root-beer.

Peadophiles.

My son.

God.

Joe, you know who you are. You.

Bill Murray.

That man who is like Bill Murray but isn't.

Bearforce1

Clubs.

Chekhov.

Michael Caine.

My neighbors.

My neighbors' hammer.

Charlie.

Christian.

John.

Sandwiches.

The Earl of Sandwich.

Prince Philip

Greggs.

The Romans.

The River Styx.

Santa.

People who believe in Santa.

The Tooth-Fairy.

Rupert Murdoch.

Phones.

Cannabis.

Jeff.

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Occupy Wallstreet

I am not a fan of the Occupy protests which keep happening in places. The Newcastle one is gone now, which is funny. I find it funny because I am not gone and they are, so I won. I want to whip them, all of them.

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The Drunken Monkey: Chapter 6

Directly after the monkey had his first sip of alcohol, he was drunk. He was so, so, so drunk that he saw Satan. Satan told him to put his hands down his pants. The monkey said that he did not wear pants because he was a monkey and had not fallen to original sin when Eve became a prostitute so he didn't not need to wear pants. The devil told him he was an idiot. Everybody wears pants and everybody is a sinner. Everybody. Especially my son. The devil told the monkey to put his hands in-between his legs instead, so the monkey did. He found his penis, threw up and then touched it again because it felt nice. He pulled and pulled on his penis until white toothpaste came pouring out of it. He is going to Hell. Satan laughed at him and flew away.

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I am going to bed now. I hope that you are all dead when I wake up so that I know God is real.

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Hello I am 7 years old and I am a child and I like to read you're books. I want to read a new one. When are you coming out?

Hello. I don't know when the next will be out but I am glad that you like my books and are a child. I don't like it when older people read my books. They are not meant to. I am never coming out because I am not a gay man and do not want to go to Helll. ~ Peter File, Children’s Writer +++

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Why are you hiding from the Sun?

I do not hide from the Sun anymore. That newspaper left me alone. I don't like to talk about this. Go away. ~ Peter File, Children’s Writer +++

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I Am Back

Hello. This is my first post in a long time - 5 months! - because I have been hiding from my son. At first I hid in the cupboard but that didn't work very well for a few reasons (I am scared of the dark and I have diabetes - if I don't eat then I will die. I know that most people will die if they don't eat but I will die faster than you unless you have diabetes which I hope that you do). Anyway that didn't work very well so after hiding next to the fridge for a few days I decided to go to America. I didn't get to America because of something that God made me do back in the crazy nineties. Instead I went to Wallsend and hid in a nice lady's bathroom for a while. I don't think she minded. Anyway, yes, I am back and my son has gone away for a while. I will post more children's stories soon.

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London is going to hell.

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The Drunken Monkey: Chapter 5

Anyway, after the monkey got out of hospital and off the tuba, he decided that he was going to settle down, learn to deal with his diabetes and grow up. This was probably the best thing he ever decided to do but it was still a sin because it was an active decision and he didn't ask God if it was O.K. first. I ask God about everything and he never replies so I don't really do much. Really, I only write but I think that's O.K. because I repent and then whip myself after each chapter. I think this is wise. But anyway, for a while the monkey did this. Then he became 18 and had his first drink of alcohol... (I'm sorry I have to go now. I'll finish this chapter soon but for now it will remain this way. My son asked me to go to meet him so instead I'm leaving the house and going to shout at sinners so he doesn't find me).

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Pretty sure you've always wanted to see me naked.. Well.. I'm feeling pretty adventurous today so go to datelink3(dot)com (switch [dot] with .) then sign up and find my profile under the username 'lolsummer69'. I hid my face in the pictures. but I want you to guess who I am and then hit me up on Facebook lol. Good luck.

You're going to Hell. ~ Peter File, Children's Writer +++

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Dear Peter,Can you teach me how to write like you?

No. ~ Peter File, Children's Writer +++

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Have you ever even and then?

What?

~ Peter File, Children's Writer +++

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The Drunken Monkey: Chapter 4

The drunken monkey got diabetes because he was so fat. God was punishing for his sins: being a monkey, being born, eating too much and having diabetes. This made him depressed so he ate more and ended up in hospital, eating out of a Tuba. For a while it looked like he wasn't going to make it, which would have been okay, but the hospital saved him. They are all sinners and I don't like them. My son works for the NHS. He is dead to me: I send him letters written on crisp packets telling him so.

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HELL, WHO'S GOING THERE?

Stephen Fry

Pierce Morgan

Window Cleaners

Pilots

Carpet salesmen

Mongolians

Fisherman without boats

Ronald Weasley

Yogurt

Cows

Wooden Men

Wood

Window Cleaners

Private Detectives

Bill Bailey

The Hoff

Things I Can't Eat Because of My Diabetes

Nintendo

Mark Gatuss

Damien Hurst

Owls

Master Chief

Farmers That Don't Harvest Meat

Pork

Angler Fish

The Bermuda Triangle

Judas Priest

Anyone Called Stan

Ian Mckellen

Gandalf

Spam

Plumbers

Builder's Bums

Tweed Jackets

Channel 4

Nick Frost

Allan Sugar

You

Dulux Colour Chart

The Wombles

That Man Named Frankie Who Goes To Hollywood

My Voicemail

Pandas

The NHS

Cavalier Mustaches

Knee High Socks

The Dairy Lee Cow

The Dairy Milk Gorilla

Joey From Friends

Satan

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The Drunken Monkey: Chapter 3

When Tarquin was a teenager he was very fat because he ate so many crisps. No-one likes fat monkeys.

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The Drunken Monkey: Chapter 2

After Tarquin was born he had to grow up. He would spend a lot of time doing things like playing outside, watching TV, and eating crisps. Tarquin didn't really like crisps, but it made his mum cry if he didn't eat so he did. When he was five, Tarquin decided that he didn't believe in God or Jesus. That was a mistake.

Also, Tarquin had an uncle, who took him to a shed sometimes at night promising sweets. There were no sweets.

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Y u mad bro?

What? I'm not mad.

~ Peter File, Children's Writer +++