unbrave

peter pettigrew. 8teen. gryffindor. people, i have discovered, are layers and layers of , secrets. you believe you know them, that you understand them, but their motives are always hidden from you, buried in their own hearts. you will never know them, but sometimes you decide to trust them.

[sansawrites-archive]

[petorpettigrew]

warning: do not trust with your life.

listen to peter pettigrew’s playlist here

1. teenage icon / the vaccines (  reserved and shy, your average guy, no piercing stare, just out of shape with messy hair. )  2. dumb / nirvana. (  i’m not like them but I can pretend …  i think i’m dumb, or maybe just happy ) 3. accept yourself / the smiths. (  anything is hard to find, when you will not open your eyes. when will you accept yourself? ) 4. creep / radiohead (  so very special, i wish i was special. but i’m a creep, i’m a weirdo ) 5. eskimo / damien rice (  tiredness fuels empty thoughts. i find myself disposed. brightness fills empty space. in search of inspiration ) 6. still don’t know / chef’special ( right, so maybe i can train my left brain a bit, whenever people talk smart I can say some shit, like some amazing shit ) 7. with a little help from my friends / the beatles (  does it worry you to be alone? how do i feel by the end of the day? are you sad because you’re on your own? no i get by with a little help from my friends ) 8. seventeen / sex pistols ( i’m a lazy sod, i’m so lazy. i can’t even be bothered. lazy lazy. ) 9. little lion man / mumford and sons ( take all the courage you have left nd waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head )

[petorpettigrew]

bottom of the bottle / sirius & peter

canismajcr​

He was shaking. Trembling. Muscles were protesting, telling him to stop but he didn’t. Stubbornly, he was still sipping from the bottle that had been his only companion that evening, convinced that it would make him feel better. However, he was just feeling worse and worse with every second that passed. Panic that had been bottled up for quite some time was slowly getting out, leaving his body in trembling muscles and quickened breathing and messy tears, all the while Peter sat on the sofa, staring into the darkness of the room. He was slipping, nearly falling and he didn’t know how to stop it.

The moment he heard a key turn in the locked door, his heart seemed to s t o p, and a shaky breath left his mouth, hands violently wiping away the spilt tears as he waited for the door to open. In all honesty, he hoped it was Remus, or Lily. People who were better at comforting than Sirius or James. He felt horrible when he saw Sirius’s messy hair, and it turned out that it had been useless to have wiped away his tears, as he started crying once again.

[wermtail]

"as i lay dying"

There were few things Peter Pettigrew had always been certain of. Few things that were just facts, unchangeable and hard, but  because of this not necessarily bad. They gave structure, made it easy to rely on himself and others, as he knew those things to be true. However, whenever one of these facts turned out to be untrue, the young boy man felt like the world had been ripped from under his feet. It had only happened once up until that moment.

                         { fact: James Potter is better than you. He is                         braver, he is more talented, he is funnier and                         every reason to be confident. He will always                          be better. He will always do things better.                         And that’s okay. You can’t change it and it’s                         okay. It’s not his fault. }

But James Potter had not been better at survival. He had been too noble, too brave, perhaps. His good sides had been his downfall, and for once, Peter was better at something than James. Because it was not him who was dying in James’ arms. It was the other way around.

He didn’t like the feeling, though, of being better at something that James.

        “Stay with me, Prongs, for god’s sake, stay with me,” his voice         was thick with tears he doesn’t let out ( yet ), his throat closed          up and he felt panic soar through him as he saw James’ eyes          flutter. “Don’t, don’t — don’t close your eyes, don’t do this,          please don’t do this to me.  JAMES, don’t you fucking —- don’t         you dare, fuck fuck fuck. Please, please —-”

His voice died away, because while Peter was no Healer, he knew. And for a moment, he seemed lost. James had always been there, just an owl away, and a world where he was not there was one Peter did feel quite lost in, even if he had only been in it for less than a minute.

Emotional was not something Peter was. He compartmentalised his emotions, put them away for a later moment. Didn’t let his feelings eat away at him, but ate them away, was in full control, because if he was not, he would be a m e s s. However, James had always pushed Peter. Perhaps not with intent, but he still had, and that was why Peter let go. He screamed, out of pain and anger and mourning as he still held on to James’s body, which was growing more limp with the second. He sobbed, tears sliding over his cheeks and not seeming to stop.

The world had been ripped out from underneath his feet, and Peter was falling, trying to hold on to anything to keep him from doing so. The only thing he could grip was James, and he was dead, and so he couldn’t stop. 

[dorcas-e-meadowes]

“C’mon, let’s get some decent music going in here.”

[petorpettigrew]

“Is there any Pink Floyd or the Doors in there?”

[giftedlion-deactivated20161019]

[petorpettigrew]

“Well fuck, mark me down as terrified.”

[petorpettigrew]

“Are you looking for something?”

[ofodinn]

“Then let’s go somewhere, and you better hope you have the right answers to my questions, Pettigrew. I’ve got to make sure you’re not going to try to get out of it.” 

[petorpettigrew]

“I’m not,” he muttered --- but that was not at all true, as he was quit tempted to change into his animagus form right there. However, revealing that secret was something that he wanted to do, and so he refrained, and dryly added, “Lead the way, then.”

[look-a-meme]

Your muse is dying in my muses arms. Send me “as I lay dying” for my muses reaction.

[ofodinn]

“Are you? You should explain or I may have to give you a little help in persuading you. Rules are rules, and like I said, I could always go to those idiots, you know, before I kill him.” 

[petorpettigrew]

“Explain what? How I’m keeping my promises?,” Peter asked, close to being desperate. The threat echoed in his ears, and he could feel his muscles tighten. With his jaws clenched, he added, “Not here. Not where people can hear us.”

[lonelyhowls-deactivated20160508]

The Broken Marauder | Remus and Peter

[lonelyhowls-deactivated20160508]

Peter. A breath of relief for Remus when the other Marauders came around, Peter was there beside him, comforting him in a whisper. Peter was perhaps one of the only people he was okay crying in front of. Peter wasn’t like the other two, with their plans to fix and their distractions. He was just Peter about it. The weight of his hand on Remus’s shoulder gave him comfort, told him what his brain hadn’t already processed, which was that Remus could cry.

He did, for a bit. Because the weight of what happened wouldn’t ever leave him, because for at least a week he wouldn’t be able to walk, because Bellatrix existed and because there were more pieces of him that hated himself now than before, and it was thanks to her. When it worked out of him enough to cal, Remus looked at Peter, a watery smile on his face. “Thanks, Wormtail. I needed that.”

[petorpettigrew]

He wish he knew what to say or do to make everything okay, but Peter knew that that wasn’t how it worked: you couldn’t just fix this with words, it was something that slowly had to heal. It was how it had been with his father, and he knew that this would be a similar process --- or at least, he hoped it would be, so he would know what to do. There was nothing he wanted more than to be there for Remus, and as he looked at his friend, he felt guilty, because it was him who deserved to lie there, not the other marauder.

Once Remus looked up at him, the sense of guilt only grew, and for a moment Peter wanted to tell the truth. He realised, however, that it would be selfish to break such a horrible truth in a moment like this, and so he sat down, not breaking eye-contact.“Don’t thank me,” he said, fingers fiddling around with his shirt. “But you’re welcome --- that’s what I’m here for. Is there anything else you need? A book, food, whatever? I can smuggle it in, Poppy loves me.” The last bit was said in an attempt to cheer Remus up, Peter smiling a small smile now, too.

[indiexmuses]

“Fuck buddies are always much more fun anyway. You don’t have to be tied down.”

[petorpettigrew]

“I can imagine they would be, yeah --- being tied down doesn’t sound like any fun.”

[nctgold-deactivated20210805]

“I think we all feel useless right now, the least we can do is just be there for him and perk his spirits up. Leave the mothering to James, Merlin knows he does it enough for us all.” He chuckled as he opened his eyes and looked over at Peter. “So, have you figured out what you’re doing after we’ve left here?” 

[petorpettigrew]

“You’re right, yeah. We just need to be there for him and know it’ll be a while until this all gets better for him. Give him time and stuff, help him through it,” he mumbled, chuckling at the remark Sirius made about James. “I’ve got no clue, if I’m to be completely honest. Will probably be looking for a job at a shop somewhere, something that’s easy, y’know? What about you?”

[petorpettigrew]

[owl] 

WORMTAIL, I have a problem. I've forgotten how to pack and I don't know what our place looks like since I'm home so I need your help to get a good estimate of it so I can figure out what I'm bringing down there. Also, why did I find your stash of gillyweed in my socks? Did Sirius try to take it again? Smack him for me if he did, and no, I'm not taking any while I'm home. I'll be back tomorrow, though. We can adventure through London together then. See you soon. - Moony

Moony,

You act as if I know how to pack. I don’t. My entire room at mum’s place is currently a mess as I’m trying to sort out what things to bring and what things to leave behind. I have no idea where to start and my mother is growing more and more annoyed. Why are we moving to our own place again? 

He did, most likely. And I will slap him, hard. I know we’re supposed to be purveyors of mischief, but that doesn’t mean he can steal from me. Asshole. Thank god you’re a proper friend, though, we can smoke some later if you want.

I’ll see you tomorrow, then! We better get a pint at this muggle pub I found close to our place, it’s a nice place and they have Guinness --- it’s crazy good beer.

See you soon,  Wormtail.

[petorpettigrew]

Dear future me,

Please tell me they’re alive. Please tell me I am. Tell me that it’s all over, that the war was won by the Order, that Voldemort is dead and no one ever found out and that everything is okay.

I hope that you’re living in a world where I’m an uncle to many, where James and Lily are the cutest married couple and where Remus is the best dad and where Sirius takes me to more concerts because we both have amazing careers. Please tell me everything is okay. 

Or that it was at least worth it. That there’s something to look forward to, that things get better for me, for everyone else. Please tell me that there’s something good awaiting me and them.

Please tell me that they don’t find out, that I don’t lose them to something else than death. Please tell me that they don’t hate me, that I don’t end up lonely and half alive and broken and a bigger mistake than I already am. Please tell me that it was worth it, please tell me I made the right decision, and that if I didn’t, I can fix it. 

Please tell me the future is okay. 

Please.

[petorpettigrew]

Dear dad,

I need you, but you’re not here. Mum needs you, but you’re not there. We need you, dad, we’re both slowly drowning because all we can do is remember the way your dead body looked and how we were unable to make your body look like you weren’t murdered brutally and how the blood stains never really seemed to go away. There is no day that I don’t think of you, no day that I don’t wonder how things would be if you were here. 

I’m sorry, I’m no good with words.

I’m angry, you know? Sometimes I’m really angry, because you didn’t take the Mark. I’m angry, because you should have stayed. You shouldn’t have left us, should have just joined them so I shouldn’t have had to. You should have stayed. You should have been there to protect me and mum. But then, I’m also angry because you not taking it just means you’re stronger than me. You’re better than me, you made the choice that is right, that is brave and I can’t hate you for that. I can’t hate you for being better than me.

I just need you to tell me what to do. Because I don’t know, and I think I made a very big mistake. I need you. 

 --- Peter.

[petorpettigrew]

the marauders ;;;; a happy moodboard.

[lilyelizabeth-potter]

Lily just laughed, and turned to Peter with a pointed expression. “I don’t live in the girl’s dorms, remember? Perks of being Head Girl, I get to share with James. Now, come on.”

[petorpettigrew]

“Fuck, right --- I knew that,” he said, getting up. “Yeah, let’s go.’’