one thing i find strange about TERFism and trans-criticism is how much of it is just attractiveness politics. it seems to be the leading talking point. sure, make your points on sexual dimorphism or biological sex differences (which any normal trans woman is fully aware of already, mind you. the average transsexual is not claiming she’s experiencing period cramps lol) but so much anti-trans discourse seems to just be “well you’re ugly so you’re not a woman and i feel unsafe.” which seems…. so counter-productive to your movement. trans women, like any group of people, are nowhere near exempt from criticism, but what is the point of putting so much emphasis on such an empty and invalid viewpoint? so much of feminism seems to hark on how men only respect women they find attractive, yet the majority of your breath is spent on here pointing out physical characteristics that you seemingly think invalidate someone’s identity. how does having broad shoulders, a wide jaw, and a five o’clock shadow somehow equate to being a predatory rapist? it’s a mindset i’ve never understood. obviously it’s prevalent outside trans discourse, people just generally seem to equate ugliness with evilness, but you would think a group of individuals who posture themselves steeped and rooted in theory and academics wouldn’t weaponize such a vapid and vague talking point. (not to say only terfs do it, your average Internet Man absolutely loves to dunk on the fuckability of any given trans woman at any given time, but….. fork found in kitchen.) idk, i’ve just always found it odd. like i’m sorry but i just don’t buy into the idea that you’re supposed to be reasonably terrified of someone in a public bathroom because you think they’re ugly. i think you might just be an asshole.
accidentally made it onto pro-endo tumblr but idgaf tbh like i kinda understand non disordered plurality in a way because i see our plurality as both a disorder and a way of life if that makes sense. like i think we definitely have a almost spiritual relationship with being a system. mostly because of religious trauma but also just because i wouldn’t be here without my system i wouldn’t be here if my mind hadn’t adapted through the trauma i went through. it’s just so interesting to me that people really think it’s so black and white and have like staunch anti endo beliefs like i can understand being a sys for spiritual or other reasons and i don’t think plurality is limited to only traumagenic systems because ultimately everyone’s experience is different and even if a lot of systems have trauma because that’s sadly a more common thing i think in this world. i think if we all hold hands and try to be more understanding this community would be a lot less misunderstood lowkey. sorry for rant
Chronic illness sucks because you’ll catch yourself thinking shit like ‘I wish it was possible to bathe regularly’ or ‘they should invent a digestive system that doesn’t hurt’ and then realise… that’s actually the case for most people. That’s the norm. Not only do most people have that, they don’t even think about it
PREVIOUSLY.
ah... it has been a long six years since the last installment of JTRM!!! i want to thank everyone who sent me many, MANY messages over those years with lovely, singing praises for this silly fic of mine <3 I APPRECIATE YOU ALL SO MUCH 🖤🖤🖤 i hope this update after such a long hiatus lives up to the hype :]
The microwave dinged, alerting Johnny C. that the frozen burrito he’d left in its care was finally edible. Johnny smiled gleefully, his patience already thinning after a few minutes of waiting, and hurriedly snatched his simple lunch out of the microwave’s radioactive jaws. He noted the clock while he gnawed on the only corner of the burrito that wasn’t akin to liquid fire, and frowned that its dull, glowing digits had only barely blipped past noon.
Devi had been gone for hours now! She was only one floor down, at Tenna’s apartment, but as time ticked on, Johnny felt like she might as well be miles from home. It drove him mad that while she was only a few dozen yards away, the layers of concrete separating them made Devi feel completely unreachable. He wished that she would just hurry up already—he knew Devi had work to do, and couldn’t conceive what was taking so long.
As if the universe had answered his pleas, the lock on the front door rustled before clicking to the side, and Johnny perked up immediately. He rushed to the living room, and stood in the middle of it excitedly while he waited for the door to open. Once Devi stepped inside however, her hair now short and black, he could only scream from shock and drop his innocent burrito on the ground.
“AH!” Devi replied to his shriek with a look of horrified surprise of her own, and she clutched the door for balance.
“What!?” She called to him, more worried than annoyed, and Johnny crossed his wrists in front of him before pointing dramatically in her direction.
“Your—your HAIR, Devi!” His pointing continued, and Devi looked up to the trimmed bangs that brushed over her eyebrows.
“Oh.” Devi deadpanned, chastising herself for worrying, before chuffing a small laugh at Johnny’s overly-dramatic response.
“Yeah.” She said as she locked the door back up. “It was getting too long, and I like to dye it whenever I cut it. This time though, I’m just putting it back to black for a while. Coloring’s been too much work lately.”
Johnny watched her walk from the front door to her room with a vexed stare. He certainly wasn’t expecting that.
Her hair looked just like it did when they first met.
It made him feel strange—not necessarily bad strange, but it did leave him with an uncomfortable welling in his chest to see those black strands skim past her ears as she moved. It poked at a deeper memory of her that Johnny didn’t focus on anymore, and reminded him of times that felt so far away now. And he’d grown so used to her appearance, longer purple hair included! Now it was much too short to wear in the hooked pigtails that he’d become accustomed to seeing her with. Johnny frowned, a little disappointed by that fact.
Devi reappeared just as Johnny had scooped up the body of his fallen burrito from the floor and continued her recap.
“Tenna insisted I do it this week, since she is also insisting to take me out this weekend.” She scoffed with a fond smile. Johnny’s brows tweaked and quirked at that.
“—‘Out’? To where?” He frowned, and pinched at a corner of tortilla while he debated if he still wanted to eat it. He did not think that he would.
“Ohh, who fuckin’ knows.” She bemoaned with a shrug, and walked around him to the kitchen. “Probably some dance clubs, some bars. All those obnoxious, bright, ‘fun’ sort of places.”
“WHAT?” Johnny was aghast as he followed her. “WHY?”
Bars and clubs were disgusting, noise-polluted places, full of alcohol, and smoke, and drugs, and people that feel entitled to put their hands on your person without permission, or make comments about your clothes or attitude that warranted the leveling of the entire building. He HATED them, and he thought Devi did too!
“She wants to go party, and I feel like I’ve pushed it off long enough.” Devi admitted as she pulled out some sandwich fixings.
“You want one?” She asked him with a grin, and Johnny’s irritability sapped away. That pretty black hair… maybe he didn’t mind the change so much after all.
“Yes, please.” He nodded and tossed his tainted burrito into the sink.
--
THE WEEKEND ARRIVES!:
Devi had only just begun smearing eyeshadow on her bottom eyelid, giving it the lovely color of a bruise, when Tenna’s wild beating on the front door echoed out over the music she had going in her room. She huffed, unwilling to remove herself from the bathroom mirror, and instead called out to Johnny.
“NNY, WOULD YOU GET THAT, PLEASE?” She shouted as she continued with her makeup, hopeful he would hear her despite the screaming that was blaring from her stereo.
Johnny, who had been sulking on the couch over Devi’s non-dissuadable determination to go to these unknown foul establishments tonight, paid her open bedroom door a scowl, but got up and trodded to the door as asked. He opened it and was immediately confronted with Tenna’s overt loudness.
“HEEEEYYYY—oh!” Tenna paused her beaming, but was too upbeat to be bothered by the surprise, and smiled again. “Hey Johnny!”
“Hello.” He replied dryly. Tenna was wearing very baggy black pants, decorated with several neon green chains, and a torn band t-shirt layered over fishnet, with lots of random accessories. She certainly looked like the kind of person he had seen in dance clubs, not that he had any memories of those besides killing people in them. He decided not to mention that.
“Where’s Devi?” She giggled, unable to contain her enthusiasm even slightly. Johnny huffed and returned to his spot on the couch to drown himself in more brain-numbing infomercials.
“She’s still getting dressed.” He said. What he wanted to say was WHY on Earth was she pulling Devi out into the city where all manner of creeps and scummy fucks might be, and would surely think she looks good, and would attempt to talk to her, or put their hands on her. What was Tenna going to do about that if that happened? Huh?
He knew it didn’t matter, because Devi would handle it herself, IF it happened, but it still bothered him immensely that he wouldn’t be nearby if she needed… ‘help’. Devi needing his help… hah.
Johnny was startled when Tenna promptly plopped down beside him, but he only shot her a temporary frown before yielding and letting her join him.
They had sat through almost an entire segment advertising a new kind of brownie baking contraption by the time Devi had finished.
“Oh-kay.” Devi sounded into the living room, resigned, as she exited her bedroom. “Let’s get this circus rolling.”
“YEE~!” Tenna squealed with glee, and got up to chatter with her about how exciting this all was. Johnny, however, remained firmly planted on the couch, surprised into wordlessness by Devi’s outfit tonight.
It wasn’t like it was flashy, or showy—she had on fishnets too, that covered her arms, and legs, up to the point they disappeared into her knee-high black boots—but he couldn’t for the life of him recall ever seeing Devi in a dress before.
There was hardly any difference between a dress and one of her long t-shirts, besides the fact that this particular dress pulled tight against her body, but it was catching his attention anyway. And maybe that was it, he decided; that this black piece of fabric clung so close to her form that it translated her figure into a dark, shadowy silhouette. It was captivating… it looked so lovely, he felt entranced, inspired even! It made him want to drop his moping plans tonight and actually paint something.
“ARE YOU READY FOR THIS, BIRTHDAY BEE-TCHHH!?” Tenna shrieked excitedly, knocking Johnny away from his happy distraction.
“B—” He gagged while he tried to process it. “BIRTHDAY!?”
Devi sighed and shook her head as Johnny staggered into a stand.
“Yeah.” She affirmed, and Johnny’s shock redoubled.
“WH… It’s—It’s your birthday?? Why didn’t you TELL me it was your birthday!?” He moved closer, distraught. Birthdays were fairly important, he thought!
“Eh, I don’t really do much for my birthdays anymore, heh.”
“Except tonight!” Tenna interjected with a grin.
“Except tonight.” Devi avowed acceptingly.
Johnny looked between them in a mild panic over his feelings about the matter. Devi was very important to him, and he wanted to show some kind of celebratory respect to her existence, same as Tenna! But he already knew he was very silently not invited to this outing, and he certainly had no gifts to bear. Devi saw his turmoil and snorted a laugh.
“Don’t worry about it Nny, I swear, it’s not a big deal.” She gave his chest a small smack with the back of her hand. “We’re just going to go club hopping, maybe get a drink, and then call it a night. We can, I don’t know, watch a movie or something after. Cool?”
Johnny still felt an unshakable sinking feeling at being empty-handed for such a holiday, but was again distracted by Devi’s appearance, this time by her make up. The extra dark eye shadow and mascara was such a nice, grim touch. It was a little purple, and made her iris color seem all the more vibrant. He offered her a weak smile, unaware of the ghost of a blush resting on his cheekbones.
“Alright…” He nodded, joining his hands behind his back.
Devi went to her backpack and fished out her wallet, only to hand it to Tenna who merrily zipped it up into one of the many pockets of her cargo pants. Johnny remained standing nearby, unable to take his focus away from Devi with a blissful smile on his face.
“Okay, we’re gunna head out Nny.” Devi said as she checked herself over. She stepped closer to him as she did, and Johnny straightened nervously, though his smile was unwavering.
“Be back later—don’t burn the house down.” She poked his shirt with a teasing smile. Johnny smiled back with a tight nod.
“Ah, okay, have fun. I’ll… be here.” He urged his voice to raise beyond a mumble, and Devi was quickly corralled away and out the door by Tenna.
“BYYYE!” Tenna chimed and slammed the door shut.
Johnny’s posture deflated and he went to lock the door as the two women’s conversation moved down the hall and out of ear shot.
--
“HEE-HEE, I promise this is going to be so fun.” Tenna assured Devi for the thousandth time as they walked to the building’s entrance.
“I am absolutely SURE it will be, Ten.” Devi laughed. She tried to keep in mind all the times they really did used to go out and have fun, in an attempt to keep her new hermit ways at bay.
“Anddd…” Tenna dragged out the pause until Devi looked at her. She flashed her a cheeky grin. “—Johnny couldn’t keep his eyes off you~”
“PSH!” Devi scoffed and swiveled her head away, making her friend laugh hard.
“HE COULDN’T. He was mesmerized.”
“Well good for him.” Devi replied through a faux-nonchalant smile. She already knew, in the idle sort of way, that Johnny seemed to like her outfit tonight, but she wasn’t going to linger on his preferences when she was going out into the horrible world. She was probably going to look like a wreck when they got back anyway, Devi thought with a laugh.
--
NOT EVEN AN HOUR INTO ISOLATION:
Johnny paced from the kitchen, to the art room, around the living room, and back to the kitchen, like a mindless matchbox racing loop. It was bothering him SO MUCH that he had nothing to offer Devi for a birthday gift. She was, without any argument, the most important person in his life, and while he couldn’t ever remember celebrating birthdays—his own, or anyone else’s—movies and TV shows always made birthdays out to be this big, grand event. A personal festive occasion, unlike holidays like Valentine’s Day or Christmas, to celebrate one person in particular. And he REALLY wanted to do that for Devi!
But he had very little money, and he was short on time. If he had known before tonight, maybe he could have painted her something nice, or at least drawn her a funny little comic. He was just no good under pressure! It was going to come out like shit if he tried to cram art into a three- or four-hour window, he just knew it!
He desperately tried to think of something else that he could offer that Devi might like, and as he stepped into the kitchen for the umpteenth time, an idea finally struck him. Food! Yes, he could cook something for her—or better yet, BAKE her something! Johnny grinned at the prospect; OF COURSE! A birthday cake!
He hurried to the cupboards to search for the necessary ingredients. He did have some know-how with muffins and cupcakes, so a cake shouldn’t be any more difficult.
Johnny was dismayed to find that while Devi did have eggs, that’s about all she had. No flour, no baking powder—none of the essentials for making cake things. He could go ‘borrow’ from the neighbors, but Devi hadn’t been very fond of him doing that with the waffle iron. He didn’t want to upset her on her birthday…
With a slam of the cupboard, Johnny slumped to the living room window to glare at the street for ideas. If he wasn’t going to take advantage of neighborly hospitality, the only other option would be to go and purchase what he needed himself. Some all-in-one cake mix and frosting would be enough, and he could afford it, but it would require him to leave the apartment without Devi and make the short walk to the Grab n’ Go alone.
Maybe Devi wouldn’t ask how he got the things to make the cake… or maybe she would be happy enough not to mind. Maybe, even, she would be delighted that he was able to run a quick errand by himself and didn’t murder anyone!
And he wouldn’t! Not on Devi’s birthday. He would make this a very brisk trip to the store, and get right to work!
Johnny slid open the window, intent on crawling his way down after he grabbed his wallet. He could take Devi’s left-behind keys and go the usual route, but he thought that the climb down the window was a lot quicker, and he was less likely to run into anyone that way, too.
--
PREHEATED TO 350 DEGREES LATER:
Johnny hoped that Devi liked chocolate as he whisked the chunky, dark batter inside the bowl currently cradled in his arm. He was intently focused on turning this gritty paste into a delightfully smooth sludge, hellbent on making sure that nothing went awry with his cake-related plans—he didn’t believe in “perfect”, but this needed to be PERFECT.
He was so focused on the batter that he didn’t notice Reverend Meat sitting on the counter until he was finished.
“FUCK!” Johnny exclaimed from surprise, then quickly scrambled to regain a steady hold of the bowl. He gripped it tight and glared at Meat with a sour expression.
“Hello, Johnny.” Reverend Meat spoke casually, which only fueled Johnny’s bitterness.
“What the HELL do you think you’re doing, showing up right now? I haven’t seen you in WEEKS, but you show up tonight!?” He spat at him, stepping cautiously around Meat’s proximity until he was a safe counter-space away from him. The Reverend’s head turned in his direction, with an unwelcoming smile.
“Whatever do you mean, Johnny-boy! I’m always here.” He said with some boast in his voice. Johnny scoffed.
“PLEASE! You reject diner mascot—suddenly so bold when Devi’s not home!! DON’T TALK LIKE YOU’RE SO ASSURED, COWARD. You’ve been hiding! Daring not to show your ugly mug around the apartment when I’m in company!” He abandoned his mixing bowl to stick a finger at Reverend Meat reprovingly. The ceramic didn’t seem too fond of the accusations, but within a breath regained his smile.
“THAT’S NOT THE POINT,” He insisted, clasping his mitten-like hands together. “—you are having fun, yes? Dabbling with your emotions, indulging your heart? Spending such energy on satiating the desires of this Devi girl of yours?”
“SHUT UP, IT’S NOT… LIKE THAT.” Johnny refuted, pacing away from the wall, though he hugged his arms meekly.
“Oh, it’s not ‘like that’, but you’re cuddling up to her at night, and baking her cakes.”
“FUCK YOU!!” Johnny seethed, and turned back around to confront Meat again. “Shut up, SHUT UP—like you—like you don’t know WHY I’ve been seeking her out at night!! Yesss, I know you’ve been the cause of those dreams! I KNOW it’s you, fucker!”
“I haven’t any idea what you mean, Johnny.” Reverend Meat returned his arms to rest on his stomach like usual. “Do you mean those dreams you have of killing her? Well, those are rather draining, aren’t they?”
Johnny snarled, but couldn’t argue before Meat carefully added;
“And why would I want to push you to do her harm, Johnny? This is the most HUMAN you’ve acted in a long time—your heart hasn’t tittered with life like this in years.”
The comment exhumed Johnny’s previous fear that it wasn’t Meat’s interference at all that caused his night terrors, but rather just his own shitty little head that yearned for Devi’s death. The thought made him ill, and he pushed all of his fingers up through his hairline and into the black mess atop his head.
“Shut up.” He hissed. Johnny tightened his fists around the roots of his hair, trembling a moment under the fear, before releasing himself and spinning back around. He stomped a foot down, stubbornly refusing to delve into a depressive episode tonight of all nights.
“SHUT UP,” He commanded again, sharply. “I don’t have fucking time for aggravations! LEAVE.”
“I only wanted to say ‘hello’.” Meat shrugged. “And to express my excitement for your budding romance—or re-budding, isn’t it?”
“QUELL YOUR EXCITEMENT!” Johnny brushed him aside. “I am NOT pursuing Devi, and I can’t spare even a moment for you. Kindly begone and let me work on this!”
Johnny resumed his task of baking, and after filling the cake tin with batter, raised his head to find Reverend Meat gone again.
--
NEARING MIDNIGHT:
“HAH-HAH-HAH!” Devi belted out a laugh as she and Tenna stumbled out of the taxi. She made an attempt to muffle herself with the back of her hand, but nearly tripped on the curb as she did, and had to use her arms for balance as she pivoted in a circle to the safety of the pavement. Tenna gleamed, elated that her story had brought her dear shut-in friend a laugh—not that it was particularly difficult now that she’d had a drink.
“—He really said that! With that exact Wuppet voice. ‘Hey babe!’—” Tenna tried to continue the impression, but was smacked in the arm by a snickering Devi, and broke into laughter herself.
“SHUT UP!” Devi wheezed with a smile, and started towards the apartment doors. Tenna followed, and shoved Spooky against Devi’s ear with a sharp squeak as they entered the building.
“SO?” She grinned as she danced around Devi. “Tonight was fun, huh? Admit it. ADMIT THIS TO ME!”
“It was fun.” Devi rolled her eyes with a matching smirk, and gave the elevator button a whack. She wasn’t drunk, but seeing as she almost fell out of the cab, she didn’t quite trust her legs with three flights of stairs, and Tenna had more to drink than she had, too. Last thing she needed was watching her friend tumble down the stairwell—even though she was sure they’d both break into hysterics about it at this point.
“YEE-HEE!” Tenna exclaimed, and jammed herself into the empty elevator as the automatic door sprung open. “DEVIII, it’s been a THOUSAND YEARS.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know, I’ve been a real Debbie Downer for the past year, I get it.” Devi mumbled noncommittally and she meandered into the elevator too. She pushed the fourth-floor button, and leaned on the wall tiredly. She couldn’t wait to kick off these damn platforms and zone out to a movie.
“YOU HAVE! A Debbie Downer—” She gasped. “—A DEVI DOWNER!”
Devi glared at her from across the small space, but Tenna only held the same grin, as if she were waiting for her joke to kick in. When Devi’s stare remained unimpressed, she squeezed Spooky for emphasis, letting a long, drawn out squeeeeak permeate the air like a little fart.
A snort-laugh fought past Devi’s tight lips, and the two returned to their uproarious laughter.
“GOD.” Devi yelled into the hallway as they exited the elevator. Tenna tittered intermediate giggles as she followed along giddily.
“D’ya think that your little house husband behaved himself?” She asked, poking her head closer into Devi’s personal bubble. Devi lolled her eyes lazily, but couldn’t bring herself to do a full, hard eye-roll.
“I’m sure he did… fine.” Devi replied, attempting to keep her faith in Johnny level. They were only gone for a few hours, and he had shown a lot of self-restraint lately—beating the shit out of Eddie and his friends withheld, obviously. Even then, he had waited until she gave him the green-light for it.
“Ohhh, such little confidence.” Tenna teased.
“I have CONFIDENCE in him, just… y’know. Maybe he blew up a Cuppa Noodle or something.” Devi scoffed, and turned the corner of the hallway. Seeing her apartment door in-view and seemingly normal helped her mind relax just a bit.
“HEE-HEE—YEAH! Hopefully just some burnt plastic and no dead people.”
“TEN…” Devi groaned, and Tenna laughed. This level of morbidity shouldn’t be so normal.
--
Johnny’s head snapped up, alert, at the sound of Tenna and Devi’s laughter just outside of the door. He scooted away from his seat at the kitchen table, and snatched up the baking tin that had his sugary masterpiece resting inside.
He hadn’t been able to decide, as he waited and waited for Devi to return home, if he wanted to present this cake to her in some demonstrative fashion, or leave it in the kitchen for her to find. It would be ‘safer’ to leave it on the table, but it lacked a certain oomph that he wanted for the reveal. He wanted to surprise her, like in all the corny media he could think of. He hoped she would like the surprise, and not be angry about him leaving without telling her—not that there was any way to tell her.
There was a knock on the door, and Johnny hissed a string of curses that he’d forgotten Devi didn’t have her keys with her. He hurried over to the door and unlocked the deadbolt, then stepped back, holding the cake pan like his life depended on it.
Devi and Tenna looked at each other in confusion when the door didn’t open after it was unlocked, but tried to shrug it off with as little unease as they could. Devi turned the knob and pushed the door open, ready to call out for her resident maniac, when she caught sight of him a few feet from the door.
“Nny—oh!” Devi gasped softly in surprise. After processing the anxious, eager smile on his face, her eyes dropped down to what he was holding. Her mouth opened more, and Tenna pushed over the side of her arm to ‘OOH’ in excitement.
“Happy Birthday!?” Johnny exclaimed, though his nervousness made him sound unsure. Devi looked back up at him, still bewildered, then back down to the cake again.
It was a messy sheet cake, with chocolate frosting and lollipops stuck in it for decoration, and one big smiley face made out of M&M’s smack in the center. Devi was taken aback; Johnny had baked a cake for her? It really shouldn’t be such a shock, but she was taken off guard, half-expecting to find something burning in here—she certainly wasn’t expecting anything handbaked.
She finally responded with a puff of a laugh, and Johnny felt the back of his neck prickle in worry.
“Johnny, you—” A few more soft laughs left her, and she stepped forward to reach for the pan. Johnny shrugged back, and left the cake in Devi’s hands. “—you didn’t need to… make me something.”
Devi smiled at him curiously, and Johnny grinned back past his anxiousness.
“WELL, I, uh… I just thought that… if I can’t buy you a gift I could at least make you somethin’ta eat…” Johnny pushed his lips out awkwardly, and looked away while he fiddled with his hands.
“YUM.” Tenna interjected. “I knew this night was missing something—SUGAR!!”
Devi spared her friend an amused look, then turned her attention back to Johnny.
“Where did you even get the crap to make this?” She asked warmly, and began the walk to the kitchen with Tenna by her side. Johnny stiffened in fear, his fingers tight around the door handle. He had hoped that that particular question would not come up, or at least, not so quickly. He locked the door and moved to follow after the pair.
“I, um…” He hesitated, then exhaled to calm himself. No turning back now! “I had to… run down to Grab n' Go and pick up a few things.”
Devi turned to look at him in shock as she set the cake down on the kitchen table.
“You,” She blinked. “You what?”
Johnny swallowed hard, bringing his shoulders up to his ears.
“It was a quick errand! And I paid for them fair and square.” He offered, hoping if he piled on more positives that Devi wouldn't be too alarmed.
Devi only stared at him with widened eyes. Her knee-jerk reaction was to flip out, but she held it in long enough to really process the thought.
Maybe her judgement was poor from the liquor, but as Johnny fidgeted, mumbling about how he didn't even talk to anyone let alone attack somebody, she felt something unexpectedly freeing.
Johnny had handled a trip out into society, however small, without her looming over him like a gargoyle, and managed to not attack anyone. Was this a sign, finally, that all the hard work on both of their parts wasn’t all for naught? That perhaps there was some semblance of sanity in that battered head of his? It was like a murky little light at the end of an arduous, horrendously long, dark-ass tunnel.
She smiled at him.
“No shit, huh?” Devi said, pride evident. “See, I told you the drawing would help! Good job, Nny.”
Johnny could've died on the spot and that would have been fine, with those being the last words he'd ever hear.
His fidgeting ceased immediately, and he stood frozen and quiet. Devi looked so happy, and with her hair like that, she looked so much like the Devi that he… liked so much, back then.
Johnny’s mouth dried while his heart hammered away against his sternum. His knees almost buckled, wobbling like jelly, and he leaned up against the door frame stiffly for balance.
“I would have appreciated knowing you were going out beforehand, but, y’know, the whole concept of a surprise and all…” She giggled—SHE GIGGLED! Johnny felt his head go hot.
This was momentous! Devi was proud of him, she trusted him! It was all he could have ever dreamt of!
Was it possible that their interactions could continue to grow in this direction? Was it possible that one day she might ask him casually, as roommates do, to go pick up some milk, or something, without even a hint of hesitation?
It all felt so… human. So wonderfully human. It was intoxicating.
Devi and Tenna walked around the kitchen, talking idly, completely unaware of Johnny’s brainmush as he watched from the doorway.
Tenna rifled through the kitchen drawers until she found a decent utensil to serve cake with. She brandished it above her head triumphantly and joined Devi at the table, who had already taken up a knife. Devi turned to where Johnny still stood lingering by the kitchen door.
“C’mon, Nny! You don’t want any cake?” Devi called to him, and Johnny snapped to attention.
“Maybe he poisoned it.” Tenna whispered jokingly while he meandered over to the table. Johnny glowered at her.
“I would never poison Devi.” He said, much too seriously, sending Devi and Tenna into another short laughing fit. Devi set a hand on his shoulder and jostled him playfully.
“I know you wouldn't.” Her grin nearly sent him spiraling again.
She returned her attention to the cake in question, but hadn’t even set the blade to frosting when Tenna interjected.
“You’re not going to sing Happy Birthday?? Or blow out candles!?”
“No.” Devi answered immediately. “And don’t you dare sing.”
“HAAAAPPY BIIIR–”
Devi ignored her friend's overtly loud singing and continued on with the task at hand, cutting out precisely three hefty squares of cake. Undeterred, Tenna ran through the song at the speed of light, in an effort to finish before Devi did. She held Spooky up to the table, making him dance a fast little jig, and ended the performance with a very long drawn out SQUEEEEEK. Devi, still ignoring her, plopped one of the slices onto a plate and dropped it in front of Tenna, who immediately snatched up one of the lollipops sticking out of it.
“MAKE A WISH!” She cheesed, holding the candy out in front of Devi's face.
She blinked at the sucker a few times with an unimpressed stare, then blew on it as though it was a candle.
“WOOHOO! And many more, on Channel 4~!”
“I don't think you need any sugar after all, Tenna.” Devi hung her head dramatically.
“You'll take this chocolate beast from me when I'm dead!”
Johnny sat, still dazed, having watched the whole circus in silence. His thoughts were too muddied to make any witty remarks, it felt like his head was full of pink insulation fluff. He only made any notable movement when Devi leaned in with a plate for him.
“Here you go, Nny.” She smiled softly at him this time.
She really was trying to make him go insane, he thought.
He mumbled a quick thank you, but made no move to eat until Devi was settled, and even then he kept his eyes on her. Johnny mechanically brought a chunk of cake into his mouth, but it could have been packing peanuts for all he knew, he couldn't even pay attention to the flavor until he knew for certain if Devi liked it or not.
Only when she finally took a bite and hummed with satisfaction at the yummy, chocolatey goodness did his concerns ease at last.
“Ughhh, this is sooo good.” She groaned theatrically, accompanied by Tenna's emphatic nods in agreement.
Johnny breathed a sigh of relief and finally allowed himself to chew properly.
She liked it. Thank FUCK, she liked it.
THE CAKE WAS GOOD!:
“Yes, dad. We got home, safe, like an hour ago.” Devi wedged herself deeper into the couch cushion, now comfortably out of her club outfit and into a tank top and loose pants, like God intended. “You didn’t need to stay up.”
She should never have mentioned that Tenna was taking her out tonight. Her dad was always overly-concerned with her life, he didn't need anything to add to the list.
Devi drew her eyes upwards, only half-minding her father's nagging, eventually settling her attention on the newest additions decorating her wall. The grim, tortured-looking paintings looked so perfect, hanging there above the couch.
Their creator sat on the other side of the sofa with the remote dangling loosely from his hand. Johnny couldn’t even be upset that his time with Devi was again interrupted—this time by a phone call from her father—he was simply too content with himself. Next to nothing ever worked out for him, all of his plans always fell to ash in his fingers, but not this time. Devi had a good birthday, and she liked the stupid cake he made her—what more could he ask for?
So instead of sulking, he sat with his eyes fixated on the TV noncommittally, not paying even a lick of attention despite his staring. It wouldn't have been much use to try and make sense of the movie anyway; he had muted it so Devi could take her phone call in peace.
“Thank you, dad.” Devi yawned while her father wished her a happy birthday for the thousandth time. “Yes, yes, I promise I will call more often. Goodnight, love you.”
She clicked a button on the side of her headset to end the call, then tossed the earpiece lazily onto the coffee table.
“Are you going to bed?” Johnny asked, in reference to her yawns. Devi shook her head ‘no’.
“Nah, but it’s better if my dad thinks I’m going to bed, instead of staying up all night with you.” She winked. A chill ran up Johnny's back, wringing out his touchy nervous system like a rag.
“Ah… right…” He looked away shyly. This was becoming impossible to ignore.
The minute that Devi had shut the door behind Tenna as she left for the night, it felt like the air changed.
Just the two of them, alone, in Devi’s apartment.
It wasn’t like this hadn’t been their “normal” for the last few months, but it still felt different somehow. After their talk, and more-so, after Devi’s confession—if one could call it that—things just felt so light and airy between them. In the weeks since, Johnny didn’t find himself fretting over his behavior much at all, no longer stepping on eggshells to avoid Devi’s wrath. Not to say that Devi’s wrath hadn’t been completely deserved before, as it was usually directed at one of his many abnormal, and usually violent, ticks that he had grown accustomed to when he lived alone. It was just nice to have things be… nice.
But this niceness came with an extremely unanticipated amount of potential attraction. All those lofty feelings between them from the lovely days before broken glass and bullet wounds seemed to be alive and well, fresh from the grave and looking for something to sink their teeth into.
And Johnny had not the foggiest idea of what to do with them.
Devi stretched out, releasing some much needed tension from her spine, before bundling back up into her corner.
“Where’re we at?” She nodded towards the movie. Johnny could only shrug.
“Couldn’t tell ya.” He crinkled his nose with a smile, and Devi laughed.
“Sorry about that…” She shook her head in mock irritation. “My dad worries wayyy too much. I think it makes him squirrely that he can’t throw me birthday parties anymore, like he did when I was little.”
“How sweet.” Johnny mused. The idea of a tiny Devi, running around hyper on sugar and probably spoiled rotten by her overbearing, doting dad.
“What’d you do for your birthdays growin’ up?” She was probing a little bit; despite having lived together for months, she still didn’t even know when his birthday was.
Johnny shifted to face her more, setting an ankle to his knee as he lounged.
“I have no idea. I don’t remember anything from before I moved into that house…” He trailed off. “I don’t even know when my birthday is.”
Devi’s mouth slanted into a sympathetic frown.
“Damn. That sucks.” She sat up properly and put her finger to her mouth as she thought.
She was so caught up in recovering paintings at Johnny's house that she hadn't even thought to look for any documents or the like. It was very possible that somewhere in that mass of broken wood and strewn about garbage were some traces of Johnny’s life before he was infected. Devi was not inclined to pay 777 another visit so soon after the last, but it was something to keep in mind.
With Johnny moving at the pace he was, maybe he would be rid of his final head-voice very soon, and once he was stable enough to handle the emotional burden of it all, perhaps she would assist him in the search for fragments of his old life. If he even wanted to, that is. While she was curious, Johnny didn't seem to care all that much.
“Well…” That was kind of a lot to bring up though. And she was drained as it was.
“What about when you came back? Like… from, uh, Hell or whatever? Do you remember what day that was?”
Johnny paused to think for a moment.
“Hmm, I think so? It would have been in November, I could check my diary entry…”
“Perfect! We can at least celebrate that in a couple months then. We’ll call it your rebirth-day.” Devi stuck her nose up like she was oh-so clever. Johnny stared at her, feeling that strange, fuzzy feeling in his stomach again.
“You don’t need to do anything special…” He tilted his head away. “Just being here with you, I’m happy any day.”
Devi’s expression softened. Ever since her little breakdown, the ice had been permanently broken between them. She didn’t even know where she was hoping this would go, but she had already admitted that despite all her ranting, and cursing, and many, MANY dismissals about it, that she still liked Johnny. She liked him just as much as she did before, if not more. He knew that, so there was no point in worrying about her pride.
“Don't be dumb, you can't bake me a cake and then not let me return the favor.”
“Fair enough.” Johnny turned back around, only to find Devi had gotten significantly closer to him. They were only about a foot apart, face to face.
His heart paused mid-beat, holding its breath alongside him.
It was all too familiar, far, far too familiar. He could almost hear the creaking walls of his old house, could almost feel the scratchy material of his sofa under his fingertips.
Devi kept her eyes locked on his, keenly aware of his awkward expression and the implications of it. She was thinking the same thing as him—as horribly embarrassing as that was. She had not thought about something as tender as kissing in such a long time.
She felt herself pulling towards him, but her ego was still a little too cautious to act on instinct. So instead, as she leaned in closer, she veered her head off to the side, and slid ear-to-ear with him, wrapping her arms around his skinny torso as she did. Johnny lost all his remaining breath at the contact, the last wisp of air struggling to escape between his teeth as Devi’s hands roamed over his back before finally settling into a hug.
“Thank you for that, Nny.” She breathed contently. “It was really sweet of you to do that.”
Johnny’s jaw trembled, fighting as hard as it could to move and form words. Even when he fell asleep beside her, temple to her collar, even when she held his hand and rested her head on his shoulder, they were never this close before—facing each other, chests flush together, his body held so lovingly in her arms.
Mercifully, Devi refused to move until Johnny had finally gathered himself. The moment his motor functions reconnected, his arms shot forward like a spring-trap and locked around her tightly. Devi laughed into the fabric of his sleeve while his fingers buried into the back of her shirt, unwilling to let her go now that he had her.
“Jeez, Johnny.” Devi snickered, but remained where she was.
“You…” Johnny trembled. Her perfume still clung to her hair. It smelled so nice. “You’re w… welcome. Of course...”
Slowly, Johnny’s blood pressure inched down to a manageable level, and his rigid arms laxed to drape across Devi’s back more comfortably. He could feel her grin through his shirt, and forced his muscles to not seize in excitement again.
After a few more excruciatingly tender seconds, Devi pulled herself back up into a seated position, and though slightly unwilling, Johnny let her go. She stayed close to him, and he was shocked wordless again at the undeniable flush across her face.
“Sooo…” Devi looked away with a coy smile. Her heart hadn’t beat like this in nearly two years. “Um.”
Absolute silence.
“Maybe I will go to bed, I mean, if you don’t mind.” She ruffled her hair.
“That’s—” Johnny’s tongue tumbled haplessly. “That’s totally–fine, absolutely fine. Please, don’t worry, we can always watch something later, and uh...”
Devi giggled again, hiding her mouth behind her knuckles.
“Alright, then.” She rolled up into a stand, but took her time getting to her room. Even though she wanted out of this twitterpated moment to recollect herself, it was still sucking her in, tempting her with the emotional intimacy she had begged for since her tweens.
“We could do something fun tomorrow?” Devi twisted her body back as she got to her door, palm lingering on the jam. “Y’know… just the two of us.”
Johnny was very well acquainted with the feeling of his blood boiling, but he had never had it this hot before without maniacal rage to accompany it. It felt like every pump of his heart was increasing his temperature by leaps, and he wondered if someone could black out from a heatstroke induced by their own body.
“A…” His jaw was revolting against him again. “Anything… you want…”
Devi’s lips hiked up a little higher, teasingly.
“Anything I want?”
Surely he burst a handful of capillaries this time, maybe even ruptured an artery.
Devi only laughed at his expression and turned away again, black hair tossing so tauntingly as she did. She took the last step out of the door’s path, and gave him one last peek before it closed.
“Night, Nny.”
“...G… Goodnight…”
Click.
Johnny’s eyes flinched as his pupils dug holes into the front of Devi’s bedroom door. With her gone, he was finally able to force a full breath into his aching lungs, and suddenly found himself no less than panting for air. His body was still uncooperative, limbs going every direction besides where he wanted them to as he fought to a stand. He didn’t know what to do, his brain melting from the fever Devi had inflicted on him.
Without any logic to the idea, he skittered to the kitchen like a frightened cat, and jammed his skull into the freezer. He didn’t know if the ice would be of any help, but it was better than nothing.
His breath puffed out in little steam clouds among the microwavable burritos and TV dinners, but as his system cooled, the only thing his damned brain wanted to think about was Devi.
Devi, Devi, Devi.
Devi in her dress, Devi with her pretty, dark make-up, Devi with her new-and-old black hair that skimmed along her ears and eyebrows, Devi with her sweet smile, proud of him for once, Devi with her arms around him in a grateful hug, comfortable in his embrace, lips against his shoulder.
Johnny hissed at the mental bombardment – THIS WAS IMPOSSIBLE!
He removed his head from the biting frost, skin flushed, and elected to drink himself cold instead. He snagged the ice tray out of the freezer before slamming the door shut, his other hand grabbing for whatever glass was within reach. While he would much rather have a sugary-sweet cherry Brain Freezy, ice water would have to do.
Glass in hand, Johnny retreated to the couch once more, drinking and contemplating his life. He popped an ice cube into his mouth and rolled it between his teeth while he tried with all his might to think about something besides the woman just a door away.
After a few minutes, his head seemed like it finally cooled enough to function, but as his processes rebooted, the first thing that leapt to the forefront of his mind was worrisome.
He had sworn to Reverend Meat only hours ago that he was not pursuing Devi—and he wasn’t—but if Devi was the one that was interested… Well, there was no denying her. If she wanted to hug or even, if by some miracle, she wanted to kiss him, there was nothing on this God-forsaken, loathsome planet that could convince him to fuck that up again.
He could only hope that if it came down to it, indulging in his “feelings” like Meat had been trying to coerce him into since he first appeared wouldn't have any ill effect on his creative recovery.
Tonight's events alone had been enough proof of how haywire Devi’s affection could make him go; if he had received the same from her before his time here, it would have made him completely manic, drunk for her and just a moment more of her time. But as it was, he was fairly confident that he was inspired by all of this… he just needed a night to calm down.
The image of Devi in her earlier outfit came back, of her poking him in the chest with a teasing smile. Johnny's head fell into his open palms, and his teeth crushed the remaining shards of ice with one shivering bite.
